hunter "great social skills" mackenna. (detections) wrote in invol_rpg, @ 2013-02-11 22:40:00 |
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Entry tags: | ! log, hunter mackenna, understanding jones |
WHO: Understanding Jones and Hunter MacKenna.
WHEN: BACKDATED to January 16th, after this text convo.
WHERE: That mysterious copse of trees on campus.
WHAT: Hunter tries meditation with Understanding.
WARNINGS: lol
STATUS: Complete log.
HUNTER: Though he'd been the one to send out the text, Hunter wasn't entirely sure why he'd agreed to do this whole meditation thing in the first place. It was so far out of his wheelhouse, the kind of thing he'd have scoffed at and rolled his eyes over before coming to IVI, even with respect to someone like Understanding's weird beliefs. Hunter thought yoga was stupid. He calmed himself by focusing on a project, emptying out his mind of everything but lines of code and a singular purpose, and in the past he would've gone to alcohol or drugs if his thoughts were too crowded to allow that. But those supplies were limited or nonexistent at the school, and he'd felt next to useless lately when it came to accomplishing things. He'd almost wished for classes, even, just to have something to occupy his days other than a sense of hopelessness and the occasional foray onto the network, which seemed to be full of Vic these days -- every post he ended up on, there was Vic, flirting or arguing or apparently ready to roughhouse with his friends. Spending time with Daisy eased his loneliness but not his pain. At this point, he was willing to try just about anything, he figured. At least give it a shot. By the time he and Understanding had made it across the campus to the copse of trees where Edwin had led him one hot evening before break, he was second- and third-guessing his decision. This was ridiculous. Understanding thought he could read auras, for fuck's sake. As much as he liked Understanding, there were some things he knew he should leave well enough alone. He'd been quiet for most of the walk aside from a cursory greeting; it was hot as hell, he could practically feel freckles popping up on his shoulders under his wifebeater, and he just wanted to get to the mild shade provided by the trees. One of them was oddly sheared off at the top, and he squinted up into the sun to half-smile at the tiny remaining evidence of his rendezvous with the Englishman. "So how do we do this?" he asked at last as he stretched one arm across his chest, frowning slightly at Understanding. "Do we like...sit and hum and all that shit?" UNDERSTANDING: For the record, Understanding Jones was used to skeptics. Like he'd told Hunter not too long ago in their series of text messages, he once meditated with Jodi Duncan, quite possibly the most jittery girl in the whole school or so he thought at the time. Who, ironically enough, once slept with the most jittery boy in the whole school. And if Jodi could meditate, which Understanding thought she had done fairly well (though there was always room for improvement) then Hunter MacKenna certainly could. Anyone could, a fact Understanding firmly believed, but only if they believed in it enough. Which, in a sense, was a part of meditating — belief. Not expectation. It was a fine line between the two, the need to believe you would get something out of meditating but avoiding the expectation of getting something out of it. It was possible, though, and Understanding knew that very well. "We don't hum," he answered, "but we do sit. Here. Take my hands." He stepped in front of Hunter, facing him, then reached for his hands and made to sit, cross-legged. He motioned for Hunter to do the same. "We're going to focus on breathing first. I'll tell you what to do, but the only thing you should be thinking about is breathing. Not your feelings, not answers, not anything. Don't have any expectations, because this part is just breathing. It gets you ready. Then after that, I'll ask you questions. Not... anything specific." He didn't want Hunter to think that he was prying, because he wasn't. He had his suspicions, of course. Hunter spoke of heartbreak. They were in the spot that Edwin had showed Hunter. Understanding was curious, but it wasn't his business. Nor would he betray Hunter's trust by making him think that he was there to satisfy his own curiosity instead of for Hunter. No, he could try to question Edwin later. Now was about Hunter, and helping him. "We'll try to name your emotions. It seems silly, but it really works. When they're piled up, it's hard to see them all until you do. But I'll guide you through that." HUNTER: Sit he could do. His hands curled hesitantly in the air for one reluctant moment, however, before he let himself reach out to bridge the contact between them: there it was, clear as a bell in his mind, Astral Projection. Normally he stopped there, reined his power in as much as he knew how to keep the touch at a superficial level, so that he could focus on what was happening. Understanding was explaining the process and settling them down on the ground, a process that he followed automatically though he knew he'd have red dirt stains on his shorts when he got up. But he'd been thinking a lot about his power of late. He'd promised Edwin that he would try to use it to help him with his control. He'd used it, not terribly effectively, to help with the interrogations and rescue efforts. He knew there was more to it than just identifying who could do what, slapping labels to faces and sensing them hovering around him. So he focused for a moment instead of really listening, his gaze focused on where their palms were resting against each other, and he reached for what was there instead of simply letting it be. Prying, somewhat ironically. -- Huh. Understanding really could see people's auras. If he'd been listening more closely, he might have raised his eyebrows and latched onto a few of the ideas Understanding was throwing out there: he wasn't much for being unexpectedly interrogated, nor was he particularly interested in sharing his emotions with someone he still knew little about. But he got the gist about breathing and that Understanding would guide him, which seemed reasonable enough, and nodded as he squared his shoulders and unconsciously straightened the perennial slouch out of his spine like a schooled student. Instinctively, he closed his eyes before he inhaled deeply into his diaphragm; on the exhale, though, he squinted them open again, already vaguely self-conscious. Understanding could levitate in the Astral Plane, too. Cool. He breathed deeply again. Oddly, it felt like the information flowing into him was...either becoming more coherent or speeding up, he wasn't sure which. Meditation aside, was this what actually training felt like when he put in the effort? UNDERSTANDING: It was funny how Hunter already seemed a little more into it than Jodi ever had, which pleased Understanding. He didn't have to instruct Hunter how to sit, that he needed to sit up straight and relax his shoulders and act as if there was an invisible string tied to his head pulling him upward -- Hunter was already doing that. For a skeptic, the boy was at least giving things a shot. That was all Understanding asked for, and that Hunter was giving it to him meant a lot. "Now, become aware of your body. Feel your body parts touching your other body parts. Feel yourself resting comfortably in this safe place, feel the air surrounding us. Draw that air into your lungs. Ready? Breath in. Hold it. Hold it. Now, breathe out slowly. Slowwwww. Slow. All the way out. Feel your lungs as they empty. Force more air out of them. Now breathe in again, all the way until you can't breathe in any more air. Think about how your body does this by itself without you thinking about it. All day. Every day. When you sleep. You are an extraordinary machine. Now, breathe in again. Out. In slower. Out slower. Now draw your awareness inward as you feel yourself relaxing into the surfaces. Into the air. Into the ground. Feel your skin melting into the world as you breathe in and out. Notice the rhythm your breathing is taking -- don't change it. Just become aware of it. Draw your attention to your nostrils. Feel every breath. If other thoughts pop into your head, don't stop them, but keep breathing. Don't dwell on them. Let them pop into your head and then let them drift away. Breathe them out in that same rhythm you just noticed. Observe them. Let them go as your awareness comes back to your breathing. Always come back to breathing." HUNTER: Though he'd started out surprisingly compliant, following instruction without needing to be told, Hunter's eyebrows slowly began to raise as he listened to Understanding's guidance. The breathing part wasn't so bad. He could follow that. But 'you are an extraordinary machine'? 'Feel your skin melting into the world'? 'Draw your attention to your nostrils'? The last one earned him a soft snort of amusement, interrupting his steady inhalations. He did feel a bit like his skin was melting, but he was pretty sure the heat was responsible for that, not his centeredness of being or whatever. Hunter bit his lip to hold back the urge to sarcastically echo some of those directives and forced his eyes closed again, shifting his tailbone slightly against the hard ground. Understanding was trying to help him here. It wasn't his fault that Hunter was struggling to take it seriously. All he had to do here was breathe. That part wasn't hard. He wondered how diminished his lung capacity was after a few years of smoking, tried to remember at what age the tissue stopped being able to regenerate from the damage. Weren't studies proving later and later? 40, maybe? But even underneath his roaming thoughts, he could still feel Understanding's power. There was a vast, limitless depth to that ability, a sense of freedom that came with untethering one's self from one's body, losing all sense of weight and gravity and distance. Hunter almost felt like he could do it himself, if he tried -- but of course he couldn't, not the way that Understanding was actually capable of managing it. Despite himself, his breathing was slowing and deepening, though the slight frown of concentration remained in his expression. There was a very strange, specific way to move objects in that Astral Plane that he wanted to wrap his brain around, figure to put it into words. This probably wasn't what Understanding had in mind when he said don't dwell on his thoughts. UNDERSTANDING: It wasn't what he had in mind, though Understanding hadn't the foresight to know how distracting Hunter's powers could be. The idea was to let the thoughts flow through your mind and away, either to let them go or to simply be as they came and then to go back to them later. Yet the constant reminder of powers probably meant that Hunter would be better off if the two of them weren't holding hands, but Understanding couldn't be aware of that. Instead he kept a firm pressure on the other boy's hands, words about meditation continuing to flow out of his mouth. "...just rest in the silence of this place, the peacefulness of where we are. Lose yourself in the powerful moment where you can, for just this moment, release all your worries and your fears." "Now, take in a deep breath. You've let go of everything and your mind is clear, so it's time for us to try and take a fresh look at the problems that plague us. Feelings, as important as they are, can clog us up and get stuck inside our being with no way out. We must name them. You don't have to say them out loud if you don't want to, but give them a name. If you don't want to say them aloud, just say 'okay' each time you've named one in your head. Peel back the feelings to find others underneath. As you name each one, it becomes easier to see the next." He squeezed Hunter's hands. "Ready?" HUNTER: Again, he wasn't sure if he was entirely following, but he was at least trying to listen and getting the gist of it. Resting in peace and silence, losing himself, releasing shit. He had hardly left his mind clear, but in some ways it felt like a vessel, or appropriately, a computer -- there was new data flowing into him and he was trying to process it, which was a far cry from his usual rushing thoughts and the overwhelming fears that had plagued him recently, so to some degree, he figured it must be working. There were worse ways to feel. Naming his feelings, however, made him blanch a bit, internally. He almost breathed a sigh of relief when Understanding added that he didn't have to say them out loud, but it wasn't much help. Hunter didn't know if he could name his feelings. Or if he even wanted to try. He'd mentioned heartbreak before, but that was an easy, colloquial name for how he felt, a simple descriptor that involved romance and therefore gave a better sense of what he meant -- except his heart wasn't broken, at least not yet. Maybe for Daisy a little, not because of Vic. He felt a little annoyed at himself for having mentioned it at all: it felt disingenuous, not to mention that it really wasn't anyone's fucking business but his own. Woah there, he schooled himself. He'd agreed to this exercise and Understanding was just trying to help. Closing off now would be a waste of his time getting this far. This was hard. "Okay," he said quietly, though he wasn't certain he was anywhere close to ready; he shifted his tailbone against the hard ground anxiously, like a kindergartener with a bad case of ADHD. UNDERSTANDING: The naming of a thing was power, after all, and while Understanding could hear the hesitation in Hunter's voice, he hoped that as they went along he would be able to name his feelings. To take control of them. Countless cultures around the world found power in names; many peoples would have two names, one they kept secret and close to their hearts, not to be given away lightly. In others, names would change as one's position would change, requiring a new name as new power was given. Even into present day names hold power; the given names of tyrannical world leaders quickly lose popularity, never to return. The name of a person is little different from the name of an object or an emotion in that once a person can take control of the name, they can take control of the thing. "Now, let's breathe in. Think of that emotion." Understanding began to breathe in slowly, through his nostrils, concentrating on the oxygen rushing into his lungs as he too tried to sense the emotions he was feeling. "Say okay when you have it," he said quickly, trying not to exhale too much as he spoke. He continued his breath in, searching himself. There it was. I feel pleased. Pleased that Hunter was giving him a chance. Pleased that he could try and help another person. Pleased that Hunter wanted to be there with him in that space, sharing their existences. I feel worry. There was another one. Worry that Hunter would later think this was stupid, that Understanding had wasted his time. That Hunter would think him ridiculous. The feelings are simple, but the more he could name, the more he saw underneath. The deeper they went. "Name it." HUNTER: His lip curled slightly, uneasily. Even knowing he didn't have to say it out loud wasn't helping all of the sudden; just getting so close to his emotions and feeling Understanding's hands on his like he in turn was trying to drag something out of Hunter while Hunter read him was an uncomfortable shock. He drew a sharp breath, then broke contact without warning, pulling his hands back to his sides and curling them into tight fists. "I'm sorry," he hissed, staring at the ground between them for a moment before he ungracefully detangled himself and rose to his feet. "I'm sorry, man, but I can't do this." He didn't storm off, though. Didn't head back towards the main building. Instead he paced, his feet carrying him just for the sake of movement, all that tight nervous energy pouring into a circular path around the copse. "Look, I don't even talk to the counselors here," he muttered as he shook his hands at his sides, awakening the nerves. "About how I feel. And I got my head shrunk enough in the fucking nightm --" The fuck was he doing? Hunter cut himself off abruptly. UNDERSTANDING: Hunter's reaction was sudden, but Understanding barely reacted when the boy snatched his hands away. The hippie's eyes followed Hunter, calm and face void of any sort of concern. Hunter was agitated, Hunter was apologizing, explaining, but Understanding just waited. Secrets were buried deep inside, and more often than not they were buried for a reason. Even Understanding knew that he had things buried deep inside that he wasn't ready to face yet. Things that, if touched, would extort the same reaction in Understanding as they did in Hunter. "Hey," he called out once the boy cut himself off. "Hey." He stood up from the lotus position in one fluid motion, facing Hunter but not taking any step toward him. He reached his arm out, then thought better of it and brought it back down at his side. "No worries, man. Don't be sorry. Meditation isn't for everyone." Understanding wasn't actually sure if he believed that -- meditation could be for everyone -- but he knew it was the right thing to say. "You gave it a shot. I think that means more than you realize." HUNTER: He paused as Understanding tried to catch his attention, foot tapping out a frustrated tattoo against the ground in motion even when the rest of him had stilled. At least the other boy didn't seem bothered. Still, he felt like he'd failed at it, and he'd come here wanting to do something that would help himself. This wasn't the way to divert or calm or translate his misery into something less difficult to swallow. Maybe, he realized with his heart sinking again, he was just going to have to fucking live with it for now. Nodding acknowledgement, he sighed heavily and rubbed at the back of his neck. "Well, thanks for trying, I guess." At least it wasn't a complete waste of his time: he knew a hell of a lot more about Astral Projection now. "C'mon," Hunter turned back towards the school. "Let's just...go back." UNDERSTANDING: "I mean, the breathing can help anyone, even if the rest doesn't." He still wasn't completely ready for Hunter to give up on meditation — it took him years to find any benefit in it himself but yet he still did — so he wanted to give Hunter one last bit of encouragement not to completely shut all the doors. "But yeah, let's head back." He shrugged, slinging an arm around Hunter's shoulder and giving him a pat on the back. "I'm hungry." |