Jimmy Boudreaux (c6h12o6) wrote in invol_rpg, @ 2013-01-18 18:26:00 |
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Entry tags: | ! log, jimmy boudreaux, leigh tharp |
WHO: Jimmy Boudreaux, Leigh Tharp
WHAT: Jimmy and Leigh try to talk about what happened. Unsuccessfully.
WHEN: Wednesday, January 16, after dinner (Backdated)
WHERE: Lake
WARNINGS: Language
STATUS: Complete
The team dinner had been more difficult than Jimmy’d thought. He couldn’t help but think about the fact that Myra was gone and he was here. And he felt guilty. He hadn’t done anything to save himself - not like Chris had - and yet here he was. By the time they’d finished, he’d forgotten all about his promise to Leigh that he’d come find her after. He just wanted to be away from everyone and headed to his favorite spot on the lake. Fishing his earbuds out of his pocket, he slipped one into his ear and left the other dangling over his shoulder. He was still wary of anyone coming up behind him. He began to hum along. I been hangin' round this place, I been lookin' through your space. The humming turned to soft singing. --- Leigh had given up on waiting for Jimmy. It was a strange role reversal, really. Typically, she was the one who was perpetually late, running in with her curls flying and a remorseful expression, a chorus of guilty “sorrys” accompanying her. Perhaps it was karmic, but today Jimmy hadn't shown up as promised and she'd sat around her room idly passing time for nearly a half hour before giving up on him. She wasn't overly bothered - how could she be when she’d made people wait on her dozens of times? And besides, she knew he had a lot on his mind. Quite frankly, she did, too. She had developed a fairly vigorous exercise routine since her physical training during rescue operations, so after she’d checked in on Jimmy’s room and discovered he wasn’t there, either, she returned to hers and changed into a pair of running shorts and a tank top. Since her schedule had cleared, she might as well take advantage of her free time and go for a run. Runs were good for thinking, she'd decided, and maintaining her level of fitness was important to her. A note for Jimmy was scribbled out on a pink post it, which she slapped to the front of her room door with her palm. Fifteen minutes later, she was chugging along, sneakers grinding into the sand near the lake. She didn't notice Jimmy until she was nearly on top of him. "Hey!" She greeted breathlessly, giving him a wide grin as she slowed down to a stop. "So this is what you would rather be doing tonight. I see." Her eyes crinkled as she pushed her hair from her forehead. "What are you doing exactly? Fishing with no pole?" She let out another breath that was nearly a laugh. --- “W-what?” he said, startled out of his thinking (and his singing). Turning, he saw Leigh standing there, smiling at him. And then he remembered and pulled the earbud from his ear. “Shit,” he said, eyes widening, “was s’posed to come by after...ev’rythin’.” “Naw, no fishin’. Jus’...thinkin’.” He gave her a small apologetic smile. “‘m sorry, Leigh.” --- “Yep,” she replied simply. “I figured it was just karma. You know. Me having to wait.” She looked out over the lake and then back to Jimmy, pushing her brows up in curiosity. “Don’t be sorry. Should I let you think?” She knew by now that Jimmy was sensitive, and a lot of times she triggered emotions that seemingly came out of left field. If he was having a quiet moment, she didn’t want to ruin it. He was private and she respected that. --- He was going to say yes. Because he really didn’t want to talk about it. His counseling session this week had consisted of him staring. Mostly at his hands. Or the floor. Occasionally at his counselor. However, when he opened his mouth to say that he wanted to be alone, something different came out. “Dinner...were harder than I thought.” He stared at a spot over Leigh’s head. “Jus’ kep’ thinkin’...I dunno...why.” Then he shook his head. “Ya was goin’ fer a run. Don’ mean to keep ya.” --- Leigh’s brow crumpled. She thought everything seemed hard these days, but the Toucans were fortunate enough not to have lost anyone. She hadn’t known any of the students who’d died well, save Alyosha, who had been in the pyramids with her and shared some of the same classes. “Be quiet,” she said lightly. “You’re not keeping me.” She dropped to her knees rather unceremoniously and then sat down on her heels, thinking about what he meant, and what she ought to say in response. There were a number of ways his statement could be interpreted. Why Myra? Why him? And then, why not him? “I think most of us are wondering why,” she said. “For a lot of different reasons.” She looked at him then leaned over and placed her hand on his knee. Gentle encouragement, or so she hoped. “What’s yours?” --- “Ya know the only person the IVF saved?” It wasn’t really a question because she already knew. So he answered his own question with a laugh that wasn’t really a laugh, “Me. Ain’t stopped nobody else’s kidnappin’. An’ in that parkin’ lot...” He shook his head and ‘laughed’ again. “Thought I were gonna die. Tried to pray. Couldn’ even ‘member the words. Begged God to...” He broke off, shaking his head. “Ain’t got no right to complain. ‘m here. Hell, didn’ even get ‘sperimented on or nothin’.” He cleared his throat and clenched his jaw, trying to push all of these feeling out of his head. And kept his eyes on the water. And realized that sometime during all that, he’d wrapped his hand around Leigh’s, the one resting on his knee. --- “Not for lack of trying,” Leigh pointed out gently. Jimmy couldn’t beat himself up for something he couldn’t control. And although the kidnappings had not worked seamlessly, they were well-orchestrated and IVF had not been prepared for that. And Jimmy wasn’t the only Vol that had been saved by the IVF, in the end. He hadn’t had to endure what some of the others had, but he wasn’t the only one. “You know people react to stress in different ways,” she pointed out. “And everything was sudden, Jimmy. You didn’t have time to do much else. Not everyone thinks quickly on his feet.” The words were out before she thought twice about them. She immediately regretted them, as evidenced by the slight wince that punctuated what she had meant to be supporting words, but there was no going back. She braced herself and hastily added, “In that kind of situation.” She wasn’t sure what he meant by complain. “Complain about what?” His feelings? She rather thought everyone was entitled to expression his or her feelings about the situation, whether they’d been kidnapped or not. “Jimmy,” she said in a low voice. “I bet you’re not the only one wondering why. I bet every one of the people on their list is asking why.” The ones who had survived, anyway. It was a grim thought she felt didn’t need voicing. --- He stiffened when she mentioned not thinking quickly. Because that wasn’t it at all. He had acted quickly to get himself out of the line of fire. And there wasn’t anything more he thought he could have done at the time. His defenses were already up when she went on about everybody on the list wondering why and he pulled his hand away. “Tha’s zackly why I cain’t complain! They all...Christ, Leigh, bad shit happened to all a ‘em. ‘Cept me. And I didn’ have nothin’ to do with it. Not like Chris. Or...or...that Mason fella.” He shook his head. “Fergit it. Ya cain’t un’erstand. Weren’t the one divin’ down ‘tween two cars, prayin’ to see my fam’ly and ya agin! Weren’t the one with somebody’s blood all over!” He was on his feet now. “And then I ain’t even get to do nothin’ ‘bout it, cain’t even he’p somebody else.” In a low voice, he muttered, “Might as well a’ taken me, too, fer all ‘m worth.” --- Leigh watched him, open-mouthed, for as he ranted at her. It was like he wanted to be a martyr but was upset that he couldn’t be. It was stupid, and she rarely thought Jimmy acted like the idiot he worried everyone thought he was. Her brows drew together and she shot him an angry look. “No,” she replied crisply. “I can’t understand.” Jimmy wanted to wallow alone in his pity, apparently. He was conveniently forgetting, too, that she had taken a chance when she’d volunteered to be on the American rescue team, and that the IVF had lost five soldiers during that rescue. It had been her choice, but she was familiar with fear, blood, and death. She was struggling, too, with mortality--although admittedly, her thoughts were power-related and not completely linked to trauma. “You helped plenty. There’s no reason to reduce your contributions to nothing. And saying that!” Her last was a reprimand, disbelieving and indignant. She also got to her feet, but she shook her head at him rather than try to soothe his emotions or offer support, like she had before. “The people who were kidnapped? They weren’t worthless, Jimmy. Being tortured and forced to do things against your will for some sicko’s science project wouldn’t increase your value, and it definitely wouldn’t increase your own sense of self-worth, either.” Considering all the people who were suffering from losses right now, she could hardly believe he thought it would’ve been better to inflict more on other people. --- “I ain’t sayin’ they’re worthless!” He was shouting now. “And I ain’t rilly wish I got taken! Jus’ dunno why - I oughta be dead, Leigh! The fella next to me got shot. Right there in the parkin’ lot a’ the goddamned Walmart!” He stooped down, picked up a rock from the sand, and heaved it into the water. The large splash it made didn’t make him feel any better. “Why the hell ain’t I? Why’s Myra and the rest a’ ‘em gone and...’m still here?” He rubbed his fist across his eyes. --- The fella next to me got shot. That was the second time he’d brought that up to her during a fight, like it would be the way to shut her up. She wanted to tell him that the people responsible hadn’t wanted him dead right off the bat - that maybe it was never supposed to be him dying in that parking lot, but his mind was set and she didn’t feel like arguing with him when he was shouting. If he was set on drowning himself in “whys” rather than being grateful and paying it forward, that was on him. “I don’t know, Jimmy,” she replied with a sigh. “But you’re never going to figure it out if you keep focusing on the past rather than what’s ahead of you.” She watched him for a second and then scuffed her shoe against the trail. He was being so contrary, she doubted anything she said was going to be taken well. --- “Ahead a’ me?” He snorted. “Like what? Watchin’ ya go off and do somethin’ ‘portant while I’m lef’ behind?” Shit. He hadn’t meant it like that. He growled slightly, annoyed more at himself than anything else. “Look, I’m proud a’ ya. Honest. Jus’...hard not to feel lil bit...” Jealous wasn’t the exact word he was looking for and he paused for a moment. “Jus’ hard is all. And don’ try and tell me that I he’ped. Cleanin’ ‘quipment ain’t the same as rescuin’ people.” --- Leigh’s eyes were big (expressive, she liked to think), but they looked especially protuberant as she stared at Jimmy. “That is not what I meant.” She’d already been flushed from her run, but the pink in her cheeks deepened. She knew her participation was a sore point for Jimmy, but she didn’t want him to ruin it for her. She was proud of what she’d done and fully prepared to go out with the IVF again, if they’d have her. It was something she’d kept in consideration for a long time, and now, if it could happen, well... She refused to let Jimmy make her feel bad about it. His apology assuaged her anger slightly, though she was far from happy with him and not quite convinced of his honesty. “I’m not telling you anything else,” she declared. “I’ve said my peace.” And maybe he’d even think about what she’d said when he cooled down a bit. She brushed her hair away from her face, already shifting her weight from one foot to another. “You’re being too hard on yourself.” And everyone else. --- He snorted again, but this time it wasn’t as harsh as before. “Jus’ bein’ honest. ‘Bout me and what I cain and cain’t do.” And he didn’t think she’d understand. Her power was useful and his was...photosynthesis. However, he didn’t want to fight about it any more. They’d both just end up angry and he didn’t think either of them would change their minds. Noticing her fidgeting, he shook his head. “Prolly oughta let ya finish yer run,” he said with a shrug. “Think ‘m gonna stay here fer a bit. Mebbe go fer a swim or somethin’.” He looked down at his feet and then back up at her, not wanting to leave things on a bad note. Because she was the person who knew the most about him. And about what had happened in that parking lot. “Could still come over?” He gave her a little grin. “I’ll bring the squid snacks.” --- She gave a quick bob of her head, thinking that she’d rather finish her run than stand around and be his outlet for anger. Clearly he had some issues, but if he couldn’t talk about them without flying off the handle, she didn’t want to be the one he discussed them with. Leigh had always been ultra-sensitive to people being angry with her or around her. Her tendency was to immediately apologize - even if it wasn’t her fault - and try to cheer everyone up. She didn’t think that was possible in this case, however, and didn’t have the emotional energy for it, either. “Watch out for the fish,” she said, though the joke, unsurprisingly, fell flat. His grin was returned with a slight twist of her lips, though she had reservations about his offer. She knew he felt bad, but he had shouted at her because she’d never understand what he was going through. The evening was bound to be weird. “Yeah,” she said after a beat. “OK. We can watch a movie or something.” At least then they would have an excuse not to talk awkwardly. --- His grin widened. “A’ight then. Meetcha in...” He glanced at his watch. “Hour mebbe?” That would be enough time for them both to finish up and get cleaned up. “Got any requests?” He was thinking a comedy would probably do them both some good, but he wanted to see what she’d say first. Right before she headed away from him, he reached for her hand. “‘m sorry I yelled. Ain’t mean to.” He squeezed her hand. “And promise I won’ fergit this time,” he joked. “Enjoy yer run.” He slipped his earbuds back in and watched as she continued down the shore. Maybe he’d take that swim after all. --- “An hour,” she repeated. “Bring something funny.” Her gaze dropped to their hands and she tried to reinforce the wan smile on her face. “I know you’ve been through a lot,” was her reply. “I do.” Even if he thought she didn’t. “Anyway, yeah, I should get going so I’ll be ready before you show up.” She squeezed his hand in return and then dropped it, picking up into an easy jog. “See ya in a bit!” |