damien harrington, human x-ray machine (seesthrough) wrote in invol_rpg, @ 2013-01-13 21:42:00 |
|
|||
Entry tags: | ! log, damien harrington, finlay mccracken |
WHO: Damien Harrington & Fin McCracken
WHAT: A conversation after Pub Night
WHEN: 12th January (Backdated), late night
WHERE: Outside
WARNINGS: swearing, awkward and sadness
STATUS: Completed log
It didn't feel right to feel so angry, to hold such loathing for the situation and for himself. Damien had struggled for a week to pretend that he was fine, in the hopes that eventually he'd believe his lies. Sometimes that worked, but not this time. I'm fine. I'll live. Life goes on. Tomorrow will be better. All of the phrases that he'd repeat, smiling wryly, still seemed so far from the truth. But what was the truth? Damien didn't even know himself. It felt selfish to feel so angry and lost, but he was going through the motions of each day at IVI in the hopes that and one point it would simply feel normal again. That switch in his head would click and he'd be fine, able to joke his way through anything once again. Three drinks at pub night probably hadn't been the greatest of ideas, but he'd have felt bad if he hadn't turned up. No one likes a sad drunk, but no one likes a selfish dick either. Damien was determined not to be either, and after drinking up his Scotch he made his quiet excuses and apologies before making an even quieter exit. He was having a worse kind of day, and was unwilling to inflict that on his girlfriend or any of his friends who seemed to be okay. He walked in step with Fin, silent for a few minutes until they were a little further away from the warehouse. “You alright?” he asked Fin as they walked, a bad habit that didn't seem to go away. Of course she wasn't. He cursed himself inwardly, but didn’t try to correct the sentence. He felt lousy for saying it, but he couldn’t change the words that were already said. Three drinks had turned into four after Edwin’s gift of an extra and a kiss on the cheek. She hadn’t been expecting it but she took it all the same. She’d ordered four of the strongest drinks she could think of and hadn’t eaten the entire day because she wanted to be as drunk as she could get tonight. She drank them as quickly as possible though because the group in the corner was getting on her nerves and as much as she wanted to use her power on Coralie and company - she knew she shouldn’t. But Damien wasn’t the worst company, she was glad that he had joined her even though she wondered where his model pretty girlfriend was tonight. But she didn’t want to ask in case something had happened. She also knew that he was not dealing well their texts before pub night had cleared that right up for her, but Fin was not the type to pry. If he wanted to talk about it, he would bring it up. She was glad when they left. She was feeling the warming effects of the alcohol she had drank, it was comforting but it was also making her even more melancoly which is something she had wanted to avoid, but it couldn’t be helped. She was just thinking about going back to her room when Damien spoke. “Oh yeah I’m ruddy fucking brilliant,” she said, her words slightly slurred making her heavily accented voice even harder to decipher. “What about you?” “Sorry,” he apologised. “Stupid fucking question, right?” Damien glanced to her before staring at the ground below his feet as he walked. He felt tired, exhausted even, and wasn't quite sure of what to say to anyone. “About the same,” he admitted. “Would've felt like a total dick if I didn't go, but I don't think drinking was a great idea.” He shrugged his shoulders slowly, unsure of whether he should say anything more. “Nice to see people having fun, feel like an asshole though.” “It’s a stupid fucking question but I don’t know what else people are meant to ask,” Fin told him, shaking her head. It was better than sorry your friends died or sorry you got kidnapped. At least there was that. “I would have too if I hadn’t gone,” Fin admitted. That’s why she’d gone to the memorial and that’s why she’d gone tonight - well that and the free booze. “It’s probably best that we left when we did or I would have used my power on the people that were pissing me off.” “I mean it’s all just pretty fucking shitty.” Damien nodded a quiet agreement with her words, still searching for the best way to articulate all of the confusion that he felt. One hand curled into a fist in his pocket, steeling himself while at the same time fighting the urge to say the words that were on the tip of his tongue. It wasn't fair to inflict that on other people, no matter if he was a little drunk and unable to stop himself. “I'm pissed with myself,” he finally said something, letting the bitterness he'd been holding finally be spoken. “I'm pissed, because I survived. I made it out, I'm fine. Physically fine, clean bill of fucking health. I have no reason to feel like a pile of shit, I'm just being selfish over this whole fucking thing and I hate myself a bit for it. A lot, actually,” Damien glared at the ground, the semi-drunken start of a rant not having been exactly what he'd wanted to say to her. Fin listened to what he said and didn’t interrupt. Clearly he needed to get this off his chest and she could understand that. She probably would be less understanding if she was sober but she wasn’t sober and talking about feelings seemed perfectly normal after four drinks. “I don’t think you’re being selfish - or at least not as fucking selfish as I am.” No Fin was far more selfish. “I hate being here and I hate that when I finally got fucking used to being here and I actually liked people then they fucking died and shit because this world is a fucking shit hole. You should be angry because this sucks. Everything about this sucks.” His agreement was silent and uneasy for the moment, as he continued to walk. There weren't many better ways to sum up their lives, if he thought about it properly. It was why he'd been listing things, trying to concentrate on each little bit of good that came his way. The good moments seemed precious, few and far between, but even they didn't distract from an undeniably shitty situation. “Hey,” he said softly, again choosing to concentrate on his friend's own distress than his own, “Fin. You've got me, okay? I'm your friend, if you like it or not.” His own words weren’t thought through properly, inhibitions lowered by the alcohol that had caused a soft buzzing in his head. He shrugged again. “But it's difficult, you don't know whether being sad is right. Hell, I'm not even sure if I'm sad. I'm just stupid, and I'm annoyed because I'm annoyed at myself.” When the words were out of Fin’s mouth she regretted them although not as much as she would in the morning. “It’s fine -” Fin said immediately. It was her usual reaction to this. But it wasn’t fine, it wasn’t even close to fine. She rubbed her face with her hand, pretending that there hadn’t been a tear there a moment ago. She linked her arm with Damien’s instead, a gesture that she hoped said everything that it needed to about their friendship. She appreciated Damien, even when he was annoying the shit out of her. “It’s not stupid,” she said after a second. She shook her head. “It’s not stupid at all.” Damien nodded, slow, and dug his elbow gently into her side for a moment. He wasn't very affectionate with his friends, but he knew that Fin wasn't either. It was a gesture that he appreciated. “D'you think it'll get easier?” he asked her, breaking the silence once again. “I mean, things are supposed to go back to the way they were before in a week or so. More bullshit classes and training,” he muttered the final few words bitterly. “Not going to be the same, is it?” “No,” Fin said, bitterness replacing the sadness that had been there “I don’t think anything will ever be like it was. I don’t think there is any use in hoping for that. I think it’s too late to ever be able to go back to that.” It was strange thinking how simple everything had seemed then - before break and even after George Cooper. It hadn't ever been how life was supposed to be, not since he'd discovered his power. Seeing things differently meant that things were always different, from the strained atmosphere with his family to the Vol school in the Australian Outback. But then, Damien reasoned with himself even as he thought it, he never had it as bad as many of the others. Fin was included in that number, what little Damien knew of her life before IVI. And then he felt ashamed by how little he knew. “I guess after all this shit, we're gonna have a high level of bullshit tolerance,” he told her, the hint of a smile about his features as he spoke. “I've got faith in you, yeah? So next time I ask if you're alright, I'm really thinking something else. This is shit, but you and me and all of the others can handle it. Something like that?” Despite herself, Fin smiled when he said that. “Yeah alright sounds better than the the rest of this bullshit.” At least if it got bad they would know. “Because it is bullshit.” She didn’t know what else to say, no one who was dead should be dead. They were Vols - whoever had done this to them was sick and if Fin ever got a hold of the person responsible - well it would get nasty. Damien continued to walk, and nodded his agreement. “I just want to sleep, perhaps forever,” he told her. “Feel really fucking tired, but can’t really sleep too well. Not gonna take sleeping pills or anything, so,” he hesitated. “Should be getting back, take advantage of the quiet.” He was ready to make some excuses, hoping for some quiet as he already felt as though he were intruding a little. Fin looked at him and then back at the dorms. She wasn’t really quite ready to be alone but if he wanted to get back, she wouldn’t stop him. She let her grip on his arm go, she’d forgotten that she’d been touching him. “Sucks that you can’t sleep,” she mumbled, unsure of what to say. She didn’t know how to say please don’t leave me here and felt awkward, instead she stared at the ground like a lost child. “I don’t think anyone is sleeping well though.” Damien had no real answer to that, and instead made a soft noise of assent in the back of his throat. He glanced around himself awkwardly, and then back to Fin. He hesitated, before pulling her into an uneasy one-armed hug. “You're gonna be okay,” he told her. He needed to believe it, and he released her from the hug after a few moments. “Okay?” Fin let Damien awkward hug her and she patted his back. “Sure, I mean I’ll be fine,” she tried to assure him. She would probably just wander around campus until she finally was tired enough to pass out. She didn’t know how she would be ready for classes again on Monday. “I won’t tell anyone,” he promised her quietly. He wasn’t thinking fast enough to come up with a good reply, other than a small assurance that he would keep her confidence. A shrug of the shoulders, and then he raised his hand into a half-wave. “Goodnight, Fin.” Fin forced a smile that didn’t quite reach her lips and she pushed blonde hair out of her eyes. “Bye,” she said, before disappearing in the darkness towards the lake. |