MY EMOTIONS. (allegs) wrote in invol_rpg, @ 2012-10-27 12:39:00 |
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Entry tags: | ! log, allegra hawke, caleb tate |
WHO: Caleb Tate & Allegra Hawke
WHAT: Caleb is anxious. Allegra is actually selfless and a helpful girlfriend but Caleb still can't say the l-word to her.
WHEN: Thursday, 25 October
WHERE: Caleb's room
WARNINGS: None! Not even that many feelings!!!
STATUS: Complete
The past few days had meant a back and forth email conversation with Mia about the chips. She wasn't much for talking on the phone - at least not to her boring older brother - but email had served them pretty well over the past couple of months, even if they only had it for three hours a night. The age difference meant that they hadn't been really close, though once they'd discovered they were both Vols, that had changed some. It had changed even more in the months between Caleb finishing uni and starting at IVI; living at home had given them plenty of time to spend together. So being apart for the past three months had been weird, even if that had been the norm for the majority of the four years prior. It had been made worse with everything going on in the world. He tried not to think about it as much as possible, but some days it was harder than others. The HPS trying to kill Vols, terrorist groups trying to kidnap Vols, and his 16 year old sister, an out Vol who could be a sitting duck for either of those groups, if they wanted her. He'd been quiet on the subject of the chips among the other students at IVI, mostly because the most verbal people had been the ones who were against it while, for the most part, he thought that maybe his sister should get one. He’d tried not to tell her that straight out, though, knowing that the best way to get Mia to do something was to tell to do the opposite. But now she was asking him straight up, saying that she’d get one of he did. So the responsibility weighed on him - he had to make the right decision. He just didn’t know what that decision was. Their father thought it was yes. Ashton seemed to think it was no, though he wouldn’t say it straight out. Caleb thought it might be yes? But what if he was wrong. He’d been running through those thoughts since he’d gotten her last few emails, reaching out to Ashton and Allegra, hoping one of them would tell him what to do. His friends back home wouldn’t understand, not really. And not even Ashton and Allegra would, really - they both had younger siblings, but neither of them were Vols. But they would better than most other people, probably. Paying attention during the Student Council meeting had been hard, but he thought he’d managed for the most part, liking the opportunity to think about something else, at least. After the general meeting and the committee meetings were done he found Allegra, reaching his hand out for her. “Hey,” he said with a tight smile. “You still good to come over still?” Allegra slipped her hand into Caleb's and smiled as reassuringly as she could manage. "Of course," she replied, switching on the silent mode on her phone before she pocketed it. Today had been busier than usual, between setting up Twister, running off to the Student Council meeting and the committee meeting that followed. Much as she wanted to return to her room, flop on her bed and shut the rest of the world out for an hour or so, she was much too worried about Caleb and the text message he'd sent her to give in. It wasn't everyday your boyfriend voiced the very real risk that his little sister could end up anti-Vol fodder, or worse. There was still a few months until Talia turned 17 and the Hawkes could relax a little, knowing they only had one Vol in the family facing a rather hostile world. She couldn't imagine how the family with two registered Vols felt. Caleb’s smile became a bit more genuine when she said she would, and once they were in the privacy of the elevator dropped her hand to wrap his arm around her waist, pressing a quick kiss to her temple. He was mostly silent, though, anxious and distracted, his mind back with his sister and the chips. Once they got to the room and confirmed his roommate was out he toed off his shoes, settling on his bed as he pulled out his phone to see if she’d replied. She hadn’t, of course, since it was his turn. “I’m just not sure what to do,” he said, picking up the conversation from earlier. “She wants it, but she’s scared. And I think it’s the right thing, but what if I’m wrong? And she gets it, but something happens, and it’s my fault?” Allegra frowned as his anxiety deepened, taking a place beside him on his bed. She curled one leg underneath her and leaned against the cool wall behind her and suddenly realised just how tired she really was. Tired. But for this, she'd push herself just a little more. "No matter what Mia chooses to do, it's not your fault if something happens, okay?" she reminded him firmly. "And it's a big 'if' too. So far, schools have been targeted more than individuals. A terrorist group is going to want a Vol with more control over their powers." HPS, on the other hand... “She said she’d get one if I get one. So whatever I decide, I’m deciding for both of us.” Their parents, well really their mother, had said it was up to Mia, and now Caleb wished that they’d made the decision for her, so that it wouldn’t fall to him. “I should have been a shitty older brother. Then she wouldn’t like me enough to ask for my opinion.” Conscientious to not touch her since he figured she was getting a heavy enough dose of his anxiety as it was, he turned to her, taking a deep breath. “So if she gets it the risks are what? That the IVF has some sort of nefarious purpose behind it that we don’t know about? And if someone who shouldn’t gets ahold of the info. Is there anything else?” Allegra didn't think it was fair that the burden of two people's choices were resting on his shoulders, but when it came to family, it was hard to hear, so she stayed quiet for now since she didn't think it would help him feel less anxious if she tried to convince him otherwise. "I think those are the main alleged risks. There's also the whole health factor with some people and their powers. Mia won't be affected, but you could be, depending on who you're channelling." “Oh, I hadn’t thought about that,” Caleb said thoughtfully. He ran through his head quickly of the people he channeled regularly, and didn’t think any of them would be a problem. He’d just have to stay away from Seth probably, but he never interacted with him, really. Maybe Max? Meena? Daisy likely wouldn’t be a problem - the most he’d be able to do was control the chip. Which could be useful, actually. “That’s something I could ask the doctors, though. Figure out who I need to avoid. Manageable enough. And, like you said, wouldn’t affect Mia.” Which, really, was his main concern at this point. He could manage whatever he needed to, so long as he made the right decision for her. "So now you have to decide if you trust IVF or not," Allegra interposed, bringing in the next point of the debate, and the hardest one to answer, since trying to work out whether an intergovernmental organisation had ulterior, nefarious motives was, well. No easy feat. “Right,” Caleb said, studying a spot on the opposite wall. “Which, I mean, you know I like to think the best of people. And I don’t think that there’s some sort of completely selfless, altruistic reason for us being here, but I don’t think it can be that bad either, you know? I mean, there’d be uproar if they did anything too dodgy.” He finally tore his eyes away from the wall and looked at Allegra, making a bit of a face. “And then I hear everyone else and think I’m probably being the most naive person ever.” She shook her head. "Look, I don't trust anyone by default. But sometimes I kind of feel like the whole IVF is not to be trusted horse is overflogged, you know? We're all here. Nothing terrible that has put us in harm's way has happened to us that we haven't done to ourselves, honestly. I'm not saying I have blind faith in them, but I am going to say that it seems unlikely to me that we've been brought to IVI only for it to turn out that the Colonel is a Game Maker, you know?" “Yeah,” he said, and then was silent for a minute, thinking. It did make him feel a little better that if he was being naive, he wasn’t the only one. And Allegra was right in that she was more cynical than he was, so it was probably less likely that she was just being naive or too trusting. “Ashton was the one that brought up the tracking info getting out. But really, if someone wanted to go after her, they wouldn’t need all that - she’s out, she lives at home, they’d just have to show up at the house.” His stomach twisted a little as he said that and he was silent again. Which was why being able to track her if they did do that was a good idea. But, he reminded himself, like Allegra said, that was a big ‘if.’ He hoped. "Claudia and I talked about that briefly, the tracking info getting out? I figure if they can hack in well enough to steal information like that, they could just as easily find any information registered with IVF, and there's some things I'm more worried about HPS or whoever knowing than my current location." Not that this helped answer the question of whether Mia should get the chip or not. "But if anyone did find me, I'd have the advantage of feeling them as soon as they got within 10 metres of me. Mia has a similar advantage, right?" “Yeah,” Caleb said thoughtfully. He’d considered that. Not that Mia really had any sort of training or anything that would make her good at fighting them off, but it’d be enough of an advantage to give someone a heads up. Could they get her some sort of panic button? Maybe in addition to the tracker. “So why are you holding out, then? Because you’re doing a pretty good job of convincing me to go for it.” "Because," she began and then paused, biting her lip. "On the other hand, the tracking chip provides no real protection from a threat, other than the hope that if you were attacked, someone out there will know where to look for you. Kidnapping, at least, is reversible." “But if they’re going to do something other than kidnap you, you’d be the same whether you have it or not. It’s not like they’re more likely to,” he paused, not wanting to say the words again, “more likely to - whatever - if you have it.” He looked thoughtful as he said it, though, considering what she’d said before continuing. “Sorry. Not trying to talk you into it or anything. Just trying to talk it out.” "No, I get it," she assured him, and smiled faintly, reaching over to take his hand again. As soon as her skin brushed against his, she felt a stronger dose of his anxiety, confusion and fear. There was an effort on her part to not want to suddenly alter his emotions -- just because it might have been easier for her to deal with didn't mean that he didn't have a right to feel them, she figured. "I think in the case of having the chip, their intentions might not be affected either way, but you do become more accessible than you would be if your exact coordinates weren't registered somewhere on a computer. Mind you, they could pull up your phone number and check your coordinates based on your mobile phone, so..." “Yeah,” Caleb said quietly, mind mulling over the conversation. He threaded his fingers with hers as he ran over his thoughts, the contact reassuring him some, even if the emotions she was feeling were as jumbled as his own. After a minute or so, he nodded. “I think I’m going to do it. I’d be more likely to regret not doing it than doing it, I think. And if things start getting dodgy, I’ll tell her to remove it. They said it didn’t just have to be IVF people that do, so she should be able to.” He looked over at Allegra briefly. “You’re not going to judge me for it, are you?” He knew he was probably going to come under some scrutiny from classmates, but he didn’t really care so long as the important people didn’t give him a hard time. Leaning towards him, she pressed her lips against his quickly. "Not at all. I know you didn't make the decision lightly, but either way. I don't think anyone should be judging anyone over this. It's a big deal, and clearly some people have very strong feelings about it, but that doesn't mean that it's okay to call anyone else an idiot for disagreeing or choosing something different." She recalled the brief, but guilt-trip worthy conversations she'd had with each of her parents, the way they'd told her that all they wanted was for her to be safe, the way all that Mark had to do was say, 'I miss you, kiddo. You need to come home,' and her heart strings were pulled enough that her voice had cracked as she tried to reply. "I don't know how long this insanity is going to last," she continued. "I kind of feel like, if it goes too long and I choose to not take the chip because I'm too scared that IVF is tracking my every move, I'm not going to see the people I love. And... there's places I want to see too, you know? I can't stay, if it comes down to it in December." "Yeah," Caleb said, giving her hand a squeeze. "I mean, that's where I was until Mia emailed. I don't know, part of me thinks they can't not let us home in December, but at the same time, it'd be pretty dumb to let us loose with people trying to kidnap Vols running around." He shook his head unhappily. "How many times have I said I don't know since this started? I hate being this unsure about everything, Ally. It's so frustrating." "I get it." Allegra lowered her gaze, absent-mindedly stroking her thumb across the length of his finger. "But you're doing pretty well, I think, despite being unsure and frustrated?" "Yeah," Caleb said, somewhat unconvinced but glad for the reassurance anyway. He looked down at their linked hands for a moment, grateful that he had Allegra here, that she'd come and help him talk out his concerns and give her thoughts without being pushy, even though she was exhausted - something he'd sensed but, up until this point, selfishly ignored. "You should go, Ally," he said reluctantly. "You're exhausted and I've kept you long enough." "That requires moving," she reminded him dryly. "Why is my bed so far away?" "Because IVI is a cruel, cruel place," Caleb said lightly, leaning over to press a kiss to her temple. Much too reluctant to move, Allegra drew closer to him instead, since it equated less exertion on her part than getting up. Plus, cuddling wasn't too terrible an ordeal either, she figured as she rest her head against his shoulder. "The worst." "Mmmhmm," Caleb said, resting his head against hers and considering the fact that Allegra made IVI much more than just bearable. Now-familiar warm emotions rushed through him and he gave her hand another squeeze, sighing contentedly. "Thank you for coming over, Ally," he said after a minute. "And listening and talking me through it." "Anytime," she murmured softly with a faint smile, relieved that he was feeling better now. "I'm glad you found it helpful." "Me too," Caleb said with a faint smile. "Best girlfriend ever, probably." Somehow Allegra doubted this. "Probably not. But definitely not the worst." “Too tired to debate you properly,” he replied, bringing the back of her hand up to his lips to kiss it briefly. “But I will tomorrow, once I’ve had a chance to formulate my arguments. In the meantime I’ll concede to definitely not the worst.” After another minute of silence and relaxing against both her and the wall he turned to her, curiously. “Did you use your power on me? Or are you just a naturally calming influence?” Because he did feel significantly better than he had half an hour ago, at peace, and as confident in his decision as he could be, really. "Must be natural." She looked at him a little curiously nonetheless, wondering whether she had done anything subconsciously for a split second. "I just give really good hugs." “Must be,” he said, looking back at her with a genuine smile, “they are pretty good.” He leaned over to give her a brief kiss. “Lo-,” he started automatically, because telling the girlfriend that you loved how you felt and how much you appreciated her the quiet moments after she helped you through a life crisis was the sort of thing Caleb did without thinking twice. Except when the girlfriend was Allegra. So he caught himself and stopped, leaning against the wall again. “Thank you again. For everything,” he said instead. |