hailey hamilton is better underwater. (mermayd) wrote in invol_rpg, @ 2013-06-03 14:26:00 |
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Nate really wasn’t the sort of guy who was angry a lot. He was far from stoic, but usually stayed in the guilt - self hate - occasionally sad range of emotions. After talking to Tessa about the way things were at home he was angry though. That was the only way he could describe it. It wasn’t a fair reaction, or one that made sense, but he couldn’t deny that he felt that way, or that he hadn’t taken it out on Hailey the other day, when none of it was her fault. All she’d done was trying to get him to talk about it, something that usually led to him pouring it all out there. This time he’d shut her down completely, and just left when she was pushing. He should feel bad about that, and sure, he did in a way, but not nearly as much as he probably should. His head was too full, with too many thoughts whirling, and rather than making sense of each one he was stuck in that one mood: anger at things he couldn’t change, anger at things that weren’t at fault, and a general moodiness that wasn’t him at all. When he saw Hailey come towards him where he sat by the lake his first urge was to get up and leave, but he reminded himself that this wasn’t her fault. None of this was. The least he could do was talk to her, even if he still didn’t want to explain what was wrong. --- Hailey had experienced Nate shut her out before, but this time she had no idea why. He had basically stormed off on the weekend, and Hails hadn't seen much of him since. She was okay with giving him his space, as much as she hated it. Eventually enough was enough, though. Something was bothering him, and if he wouldn't talk about it, then Hailey wanted to let him at least know she'd be there when and if he did. "I have food," she opened with, finding Nate at the lake. Not the best hiding place if he didn't want her to find him. "You don't have to talk about it," she added quickly, "just don't run away on me again." Her tone shifted, and hints of pleading crept into her voice. She sat beside him, close enough he could reach out and touch her, but not close enough that he could feel her body heat. --- “Thanks,” he said, taking one of the bottles of soda she’d brought. He took a deep drink from it, wondering what he was supposed to say. He didn’t want to talk about himself and his fucked up life, but he couldn’t shut her out forever, and not only because it made him crankier in the end. She made him feel better most of the time, and that without even trying. Except not today. The tone of her voice made him feel worse instead, because, well. He should feel bad. He really should. She’d just tried to be there for him. Again. “I’m sorry,” he said after a moment. “I shouldn’t have taken it out on you. It’s not you I’m mad at.” --- At his words, Hailey reached out and squeezed Nate's hand. "Don't, it's fine," she said sincerely. Better her than someone who would take offense and then cause Nate to feel guilty anyway. "I knew it wasn't me, or else you wouldn't have come in the first place. I pushed, you weren't ready. I'm still working on giving people their space," she joked and gave him a smile. Hailey let her eyes face out across the lake. She could swim the distance easily, but if she squinted and blurred the shore on the other side, she could almost fool herself into thinking she was home. The lake she lived on seemed limitless from her dock. This one was much warmer, though. Even in the height of the summer the water was chilly back home. The wind that came off it was always refreshing, though. Today's wind was just moving the warm air around. ---- He squeezed her hand back, wondering not for the first time what he’d done to deserve her. All he did was pushing her away, if not for one reason, so for another. There was always something. He’d lost the battle of wills when it came to his feelings for her, and while he figured that out she’d waited around, and quite patiently so. Except that it hadn’t been waiting exactly, because Hailey never waited. She ran headfirst into things instead, she made them happen and you just kind of got drawn along with her. He wasn’t sure how those two were compatible, but somehow they were and he really liked that about her. “I needed something to distract me,” he said, and wasn’t that depressing? Sleeping with someone because you didn’t want to think about something else. Maybe other people did that, but Nate had never been very good at it. At least not when it was with somebody he actually cared for. “I can’t believe you brought me food,” he said, fumbling for words that weren’t the ones running through his head, and then, another bad attempt of a joke, “Maybe I should run out on you more often.” --- "Yeah," Hailey said, knowing exactly what Nate meant. She distracted herself often, and sometimes by using Nate. It was easier to let things simmer away or solve themselves, or at worst ignore them long enough to figure out what the hell to do. Nate doing it was different, though. He was more likely to hide when something was bothering him. Maybe that was just a sign of the level they'd accomplished together. That he came to her first, even if it didn't work out so well. She would have to fix that. Hailey gave Nate a look and shook her head gently. "My good meals come straight from the kitchen or barbecue, these are just mediocre and put together from stuff in the caf." He was avoiding whatever was bothering him, but Hailey wasn't yet ready to push. She would at least let him eat before chasing him off. It wasn't that she desperately wanted to know what upset him, she wanted to help make it better. "Leaving you alone with your thoughts just makes things worse anyway. We could get out of these clothes and hop in there," Hailey said, tilting her head towards the lake. --- He hadn’t cooked much in the last few days, spending a little too much time brooding and slouching. Other people cooked when they were feeling bad, as distraction or otherwise. Nate just... stopped. Cooking and baking was fun, something he did for his enjoyment. A bad mood meant quick, uninspired meals eaten on the go. “I haven’t been eating much the last few days,” he said with a shrug. “This looks good to me.” Part of it was the fact that she was the one that had offered it to him, but he didn’t say that. He ate some of it while he was talking, turning over the stuff in his head, feeling like he was bursting from not pouring it all out there. Their whole relationship was like that, though. Her, being supportive. Him, being a fuck-up, or somehow having to be patted on the head until he felt better. And he hated that. It made him feel even more powerless, not being able to deal with things on his own. Not that it was inaccurate. He was powerless. The phone conversation from this weekend had proved it once more, and this time it had really sunk in. His father could die, and they’d say no to letting him leave for the funeral. Or maybe they’d let him go, but it would be too late. And maybe if he was there now he would be able to do something. Something. Anything. His dad had been sitting in that room for four years, though. A few more months (hopefully) wouldn’t make a difference. And wasn’t that what this was all this anger was about anyway? He couldn’t pretend that it was directed at anything but the man who had never been a good father, who had never been able to keep a job or put a meal on the table. Who had crumbled completely after the woman who took care of everything disappeared, and who had left it to his children to take care of all that. Or child, as it were. Riley was long gone after all. It wasn’t fair to be that angry at someone for being sick, to be upset that he couldn’t just get over it or go to a doctor or do something, but it was the truth. He was really fucking upset at him for it. And he kind of hated himself for it. He put the sandwich down abruptly at the thought, unable to take another bite. “Yeah,” he said, trying to push his feelings down and away for another minute, another hour. “Beats thinking with miles.” --- "You do that when you're upset," Hailey said gently, an observation she had made before. "Stop eating, I mean." She hadn't decided if he got so wrapped up in his misery he forgot, or if he was trying to punish himself in a roundabout way. This wasn't the time to ask, and Nate probably didn't know the reason anyway. Hailey eyed the way Nate suddenly put his sandwich down. He had been lost in thought a moment earlier, likely thinking about whatever was bothering him. Hails opened her mouth to say something, but decided against it and clamped her jaw. She looked upwards, squinting in the sunlight. "You're gunna strip down in this, eh?" she questioned with a bit of a smile. "Okay, you first. I'll make sure you're not sneaking any photos," she added. Avoidance wasn't the best of strategies, but Hailey wasn't one to judge. At least she could enable. --- Nate shrugged. “I guess so.” It was strange, having someone point out things you did – always had done – like that. Stuff he’d never really reflected on, but which was probably true. “I don’t need any photos,” he said, pulling her into his lap. Once he had her wedged securely against him, slid his hands up her sides, leaning in close. “I have the real thing, right here.” And then, although he hadn’t been in anything but a morose mood a moment ago and the urge had come out of nowhere, he started tickling her. --- "Nathan!" she shrieked. Hailey tried to pull away and her limbs were flailing, but Nate's grip was stronger than her panic. "Stop... stop it..." she said between breaths, laughs, and shrieks. She was supposed to be the one tickling, not him! "-- your truce --" she breathlessly managed, meaning to say 'what about your truce' but only half of it came out. If she had a moment to think she could have tickled back, but instead Hailey twisted awkwardly and pushed at his shoulder, trying to get away. --- It was unfair to hold her down firmly enough for her to be unable to do anything but squeal and flail, but as depressing as this whole situation was, her squirming made him feel better. He even managed a laugh, let go of her a little, letting her move away a bit and then pulling her close again, but wrapping his arms around her instead of keeping up the tickle torture. He didn’t know what he was doing or why, how he could go from brooding to eating the food she’d brought to being sulky to tickling her to the intense emotions coursing through him as she relaxed in his arms in a matter of minutes. He hadn’t even explained himself and his strange mood. It wasn’t fair to keep her out, but none of this was fair and suddenly he felt a bit delirious, as if the anger that had been stewing met the happiness of having her here, coupled with the feeling of her in her arms and her hair tickling his face as she tried to turn towards him was suddenly too much. It was. It had to be. Too much. Far too much. He wouldn’t have said it otherwise, because it was if not the worst possible moment, at least one that wasn’t romantic, especially happy or anything out of the ordinary. He still did it, having no idea why, even as he said it. “I love you.” The words were so sudden, surprising even himself. “I’m sorry if it’s too much and too soon and this is all weird and I’m angry at things that aren’t you but you’re still here and even when I’m at my worst you make me feel better and I love you Hailey, I really, really do.” He let his arms relax around her, giving her the space to kick him in the face and run away if she so wished. “I just kind of realised. But I’m okay if you don’t,” such a lie, “and um, I just wanted you to know.” He fell silent, pressing his face to her hair. That scent that was so Hailey in his nose, the sun on his face, and a truly, truly weird moment. He hoped it wasn’t going to shit a moment from now. That would really suck. --- The tickling stopped and Hailey barely had time to catch her breath before Nate’s lips were on hers. She rarely struggled to breathe, though. Whether that was her power acting overtime and taking oxygen straight from the air, or whether that was due to her free diving breathing techniques, Hailey would never know. When the kiss ended Nate fell silent, and Hailey reached up to play with his hair. The next words he said really did take her breath away, and for a moment everything went still, as if Chris had frozen time. Those words had never been said to Hailey in a romantic sense, and she’d never said them in return. He kept talking, and Hailey heard nothing of what he said. Her heart felt like it was exploding out of her chest, and no matter how deep she inhaled if felt like her lungs were about to collapse. It was awful, and yet somehow Hailey didn’t want the feeling to flutter away. She let her eyes close slowly before reopening him, taking a moment to try and process and remember what was happening. There was no time to reflect on how she felt or what she thought, there was only her organs working overtime and her brain spinning out of control. When Nate’s arms relaxed Hailey leaned backwards slightly, not trying to get away, but trying to see as much of him as possible. I’m okay if you don’t registered somewhere in her mind, but there were too many sensations and too many colours that Hailey was trying to sort of for her address it immediately. He stopped talking and his face left her field of vision and for a moment every part of Hailey’s body felt weird and foreign. Seconds past and it felt like minutes, maybe it had been minutes, but finally her senses slowed and she felt in control of her limbs. “Nate,” she said, struggling against him for a moment as she tried to push him away enough to look at him. “Don’t give me that bullshit that you’re okay if I don’t,” she chided, raising her hands to either side of his face so he couldn’t look or get away. “I do-- I mean I think I do--” she fumbled, not realizing until that moment how her heart had started exploding again and her mouth had dried and intense ear mixed with excitement to put everything back in overdrive. “I... I love you too,” she finally said, the words feeling like they stuck to the inside of her mouth as they struggled to escape. ---- The seconds she just sat there without talking felt like hours. He was starting to wonder why he’d said it, why he’d just blurted out what came into his head at a moment when he was so overwhelmed about so many things and really didn’t need a rejection on top of it, but then she moved and it wasn’t to run away. Her hands slid along the sides of his face, keeping him grounded, and he dared to hope again. When she started stumbling over her words a smile found its way to his lips, because she was so strong, so intense, but when it came to putting words to her feelings Hailey had always been the type to struggle. Another thing he liked about her. There were a lot of those right now. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me today,” he said once she was done. “Or why I had to... right now. I just knew, suddenly.” He combed his fingers through her hair, winding a strand around a finger, and then another one. “This is pretty weird, isn’t it?” --- "I have a list, if you want to hear it," she joked. She could come up with things, certainly, but it would be off the top of her head. Such as you don't play hockey or you've never tried to make an igloo. Hailey was immensely grateful Nate went this direction, rather than trying to analyze why or even what she said. Hailey often didn't acknowledge her feelings, and one with such ferocity behind it terrified her in a completely foreign way. Hailey's head tilted in the direction of Nate's fingers. She had never said how much she enjoyed him playing with her hair, but she had never had to. Her body language gave her away every time. "I have no idea," she commented honestly. "I'm not exactly an expert," she said with a shy smile. "In regards to us, I'd say it's not even close to being weird though," she added, her smile brightening. "Once you get past me being the little mermaid and you losing your head once in a while, there's still a whole whack of weird to sift through before you get to this moment." --- “It would be a very long list,” he said solemnly, trying to follow down her not-so-serious road of conversation. “Waste of trees, really.” He hadn’t expected this morning when he woke up that he’d be sitting with Hailey in his lap just having told her he loved her come afternoon, but maybe that was how life worked. Backwards. Out of order. Strange. “I like mermaids.” The word brought him back to the phone conversation the other day. “Bailey’s crush on ‘Mermaid Girl’ is over though. You’ve been upstaged by an older girl who dresses up as Batman. And when I say older I mean she’s seven. Sorry about that. I guess you’ll have to settle for me.” --- “Oh, really? I had no idea,” Hailey replied to his comment about mermaids. When he spoke of Bailey, Hailey felt her shoulders relax, though she hadn’t noticed they were tense. She’d been worried about Bailey without even knowing it, but she recognized it now. There were only so many things she knew of that could upset Nate this way, and Bailey being hurt was one of them. Her face softened and a brightness came to her eyes that hadn’t been there a moment ago. She hardly knew Bailey, but he was important to Nate. “Hmph,” she fake-complained, “we’ll see about that. I’m sure I could find a couple superhero costumes, especially if it meant winning the man of my dreams back,” she teased, giggling when her spiel was done. “In the meantime, though, you’ll do. I’ve grown a little attached to you after all,” she finished as she fluffed his hair. Hailey leaned forwards to give Nate a quick kiss before wrapping her arms around his shoulders. Whatever was bothering him wouldn’t go away, but the more he laughed the more it would fade. --- |