Kelly Ansell (enhancedsenses) wrote in invol_rpg, @ 2013-04-17 11:59:00 |
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“Do you need to go right back to the dorms?” It was late afternoon and the Barn Swallows were filtering out the doors of the training center. Valya and Kelly were leaving together, as they did most days, and he gave the dorm towers a long look before turning his attention to her. He didn’t look worried, exactly, but there was tension in his features. He felt more restless than usual, too, like his body was giving his nervous energy an outlet. He needed it; he had been more bold about his opinions and encouraging people to think about the bigger picture. The idea that it would come back to bite him had not escaped him, though he was trying to convince himself it was worth it. It was his future. “I think I am going to take a walk before dinner,” he added. “If you want to join me...” His sentence drifted off and reformed with a more hopeful question. “Will you join me?” Kelly spared a glance at the dorms, although it was an instinctive motion and nothing else. There was no urgent task waiting for her there -- just another night to fill. She smiled. "Sure." Kelly had been watching Valya closely over the week. It hadn't gone unnoticed to her that he'd been speaking out more on the network, even going so far as to help organize the protest that students had planned for the following day. She wondered if there were things on his mind that he had not yet voiced. She didn't doubt it. Much like Kelly herself, Valya seemed to live in his head a lot of the time. It wasn't something that she could fault him for. "How are you?" They put some room between themselves and the warehouse, walking out onto one of the paths that forked away from campus. It was a better question than is everything okay? or something wrong? -- Kelly already knew the answers to both of those. And that would never change, so long as they were here. “Apprehensive. We’re meeting tonight about the protest.” There was a pause as he gathered his thoughts, fortifying the resolve behind his decision to talk - really talk - with Kelly. Were his brother still around, he was sure they’d have discussed the near future at length, but Valya was of two minds on the matter and floundering helplessly between them. “But that isn’t what’s making my apprehensive. The protest is good thing. Something’s needed to be done.” He looked at the path ahead of them as they walked, continuing to speak. “I don’t trust IVF. Since the beginning, I have worked very hard to keep a low profile and not attract too much attention. I figured that when something happens, it will be be better if IVI thinks I have conformed. That it might help me get the chance to be on my own.” His mouth quirked at one end. “This week...I’ve said more in the past week than I usually do. I can’t decide if I’m shooting myself in the foot or encouraging something that will really help us. Vols.” Kelly watched him as they walked, waiting until she was sure that he'd said all that he wanted to say before she spoke again. "I've noticed," she admitted. A beat passed while she decided what else to add, knowing that Valya likely had not yet finished saying all that he wanted to say. She didn't want to pull him off-track with questions of her own, but... "So that's why, then? Because you think that things are happening... you think maybe starting to speak up will help you be on your own again, down the road?" Kelly deflected her gaze slightly as she asked the question. She'd considered what would happen after they left IVI, of course -- anyone who claimed that they hadn't was a liar. She had her sister back now, which was more than she'd ever truly allowed herself to hope for. But the idea of Valya heading off into isolation, traveling from place to place without any friends -- it unsettled her in several different ways. “I don’t know,” replied Valya. “No. I don’t think IVI will be impressed. But if we all speak out and do something together, then IVI has more to reckon with, yes?” He gave her a long look, thinking of what he’d said to Sadie, near the Condor ravine. “I’m not convinced IVF will make a decision about our freedom any time soon. Maybe not at all, now that the director has been murdered. Sometimes I think the only way we’ll get out is if we do something about it. We can’t wait forever.” The Russian students had obviously felt the same way, risking their safety to reach out to the VR. Valya knew the circumstances were different, but they still ran the risk of being institutionalized at IVI - becoming too accepting and willing to wait on government strangers to decide their fates. Kelly nodded slightly, considering. She was fairly certain that her sister felt the same way. Kim was filled with anger at the IVF and anyone who might try to tell Vols how they could or should live their lives. And Kelly had read enough literature and paid enough attention in her history classes to know that Val was probably right: they all had to stand together, or nothing would ever change. Or worse, they'd self-destruct. It wasn't a very appealing thought. "When I got here," Kelly began carefully, "I almost... didn't care. I guess I even kind of expected that it would happen, sooner or later. And it's not like I was really doing anything with my life, anyway." A vision of the tiny Chicago bookstore flickered across her memory. She recalled her lonely apartment -- it had been hers, and that had been nice, but the loneliness was what Kelly remembered most of all. "But..." she sighed. "I don't think I feel that way anymore." “No?” He smiled faintly at her sigh; she sounded resigned. “It’s your life to do things with. IVF doesn’t know you. They only know your power.” His smile faltered a little. “Well. That is not true. Weeks of counseling and training have probably made us more familiar to them than is good in the long run but...” He shrugged. “What made you change your mind?” Kelly knew the answer, although she hesitated before replying. "A few things, I guess. Realizing that I don't really want to be locked up for the rest of my life. But more than that, I don't want that for Kim. Or for you." She was scanning the horizon as she spoke, although she looked back at Valya then. "I guess I just care more now than I did back then. I think it... I think it took me a long time to accept that maybe I could actually have a life again." It was strange for Kelly, admitting these things to anyone, although she'd been sharing more and more personal confessions with Valya lately as he seemed to do the same with her. She was constantly torn between the desire to keep her secrets from him, lest he judge her or decide that their friendship was a mistake, and wanting to tell him everything there was to know about her. He didn’t know what to say. That Kelly would consider his well-being so important was pleasantly surprising; he felt the same twinge of hope he’d had when she’d visited him the day after the fight. But what she said next took root in a different part of his mind -- the place where he pondered Kelly, the “stranger” as Kim had put it, transformed by how her powers had affected her. The girl who took solace in music when things got to be too much, and had suggested he do the same. “It was that bad?” he asked, brows drawing together. “I know it’s rough, but -- you were ready to give up on everything? Really?” She let out a breath. Of course Kelly had expected him to ask. Maybe she had even wanted him to. Maybe it would be easier, she tried to reason with herself, if Valya really understood all of it. She just had to trust that he would. Struggling, Kelly tried to decide where she should start. "You know that I'm the oldest person here?" She asked him in response to his question, although she didn't give him a chance to respond. Nor did Kelly look at Valya as she spoke. "I think, anyway. My birthday's January 4th. 1990. When my powers first kicked in, it was 2006. Two years before -- I mean, you know. The Seattle Incident. And..." She trailed off for a moment, feeling the blood rush to her head. Why was it so fucking hard to say out loud? She wished, suddenly, that she'd just written it all down in an email. Kelly decided just to power through. She forced the words out, one by one. "I mean, I know you said you thought you were seeing visions with your powers, and in some ways I guess it was kind of like that for me, only I couldn't do anything else. I couldn't tune things out. And... you know, of course nobody believed me, because obviously back then, before people knew about Vols, that sounded fucking crazy. 'Sorry, I can't go to school today because the sound of people walking is too fucking much to handle.' 'Sorry, I can't eat your pasta because it tastes like you poured an entire jar of salt into it.' So my parents -- you know, they were fucking scared out of their mind, obviously, I was failing all of my classes and I didn't want to leave my room, I didn't want to talk to any of my friends -- they tried to get me help." Kelly shot Valya a quick glance before continuing quickly on, wanting the story to be done with. "Anyway, of course the doctors just agreed that I was nuts. Hearing things, seeing things -- thinking all of a sudden that I had these heightened senses -- pretty much everyone assumed I was having some kind of mental breakdown. And it felt that way, too. And one day I... I lost control and I almost got myself fucking killed, so they decided I was... not safe, I guess. A threat to myself. So I went to live somewhere for a while." Kelly shrugged. "A hospital for crazy people. And then Kim said she was seeing stuff too -- I was so fucking worried that it was genetic, that she'd end up crazy like me. But then the Seattle Incident came, and she asked me to run with her -- I never told you that, but she did, she asked me to go and I was too much of a fucking coward to go -- and then there I was, you know? No more friends, no more sister, and everyone kept acting like I was fucking lucky. Like, fucking hooray, you're not crazy anymore! Only I still felt the same way I'd always felt, I guess." "So... fuck, I'm sorry, I don't know why I just told you all of that. Or maybe I should have told you before, I don't know. But that's... that's why I didn't really care before. It'd been a long time since I felt like I had anything to really care about. But it's not like that anymore." Kelly didn't look back at him. She was too worried to see his expression. Valya came to a halt, reaching out for Kelly’s hand. “No,” he agreed. “It’s not.” It was an incredible amount of information to soak in. Valya had listened quietly, letting the details wash over him -- all the significant, sometimes terrible, moments of Kelly’s life that had shaped her into the person standing next to him. There were certain details he’d seized onto -- the fact that she’d had to live in a mental hospital, saying no to Kim, people congratulating her for being a Vol rather than sympathizing with her about everything she’d lost while institutionalized. She’d only felt the same way she’d always felt, which he could only imagine was shitty. It was little wonder she had become practiced in methods of distraction. Her complacency and thoughts that things wouldn’t get better made sense, too. Valya didn’t want her to apologize and he didn’t want her to think that her history might scare him off. If anything, it made him angry on her behalf, and even though anger wouldn’t accomplish much at this point, he felt gripped by a new type of determination. “You have a life after IVI and so do I. And we need to do something about it, because I’ll be damned if we’re stuck in a force field with no hope, watching the government express shallow regrets every time another Vol is killed simply because he or she is a Vol.” Or worse yet, cover it up, like the Russian government appeared to be doing. He pulled her closer, blue eyes earnest. “You’re convincing me speaking out is worth the risk. We’re not cowards, Kelly.” She was gripping his hand by the time he finished talking. No more small, awkward squeezes with her thumb -- Kelly was now holding onto him like an anchor, as if one of them might be in danger of floating away. He barely had to tug to get her to move closer, and for a moment she felt like she might just collapse onto him. But the energy in Valya's words kept her standing. When he spoke, she felt a strange sort of strength from his words, even though she struggled to believe them. But it was the intensity in his eyes that really held her attention. Kelly wasn't sure how long she'd been staring into them when she finally stepped forward again, facing Valya, in what felt like a motion from another life. She pulled up her hand in his closer to her abdomen, closing the gap between them. Kelly leaned forward until her forehead met his chest. She shut her eyes and breathed in the smell of his shirt. It wasn't just his shirt, it was all of him -- she'd grown familiar with the way it felt inside of her mind. Scents had dimensions, they had colors that painted a picture of who a person was. They were fingerprints; you could use them to identify anyone, if you knew how. It was a combination of soap and detergent and skin and deodorant and sweat and shampoo and the fabric on their clothing, so many different variables that came together to form one unique smell. After so many months, Kelly could have picked Valya's out of a crowded room. Every self-conscious voice in her head was calling out for her to pull away. But she was exhausted and energized at the same time, considering that perhaps it was time to start fighting something other than just herself. If Valya wanted to push her off, he could do that, but for now all Kelly could do was follow her instincts. And they were telling her to keep him close. "Okay," Kelly's voice came out soft and slightly muffled, her head still tilted against him. "Just don't end up in fucking solitary, okay?" Valya immediately put his other arm around Kelly’s shoulder, resting his chin against the crown of her head. He couldn’t help himself -- he was smiling. There was a sense of purpose thrumming beneath the day’s stress, something better on which he could focus. Or rather, he’d be able to focus on it once he could get past how she felt huddled against him -- that she’d opened up to him like that. Her request triggered a soft snort and he nodded. “That is one place I don’t plan on staying. It’s too vulnerable, being locked away in a room. I can accomplish more out here.” His fingers brushed along her back. “Even within their force field.” Kelly looked up. She kept her voice low, even though they were beyond the reach of campus now. "I don't know what I can even do. But if you figure something out... I mean, I'll help if I can. And I'll back you up, for whatever that's fucking worth." Valya dropped his chin, meeting Kelly’s eyes. He smiled. “It’s worth a lot,” he assured her. “More than you think.” |