MY EMOTIONS. (allegs) wrote in invol_rpg, @ 2013-04-11 07:16:00 |
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Entry tags: | ! log, allegra hawke, claudia corbett |
WHO: Claudia & Allegra.
WHAT: Claudia is jealous. Allegra is packing. This doesn't end well.
WHEN: Wed, 10 April. Afternoon.
WHERE: Allegra's room.
WARNINGS: Fighting.
STATUS: Complete.
Between folding t-shirts and adding essential toiletry items to her bag, Allegra felt a little awkward at Claudia's presence in her small dorm room. Thank god her best friend wasn't an empath. Or a power channeler, for that matter. It was strange to think that a simple matter as their powers meant one was chosen over the other for a squad that, all things considered, Claudia was probably a better fit for -- personality wise. “Do you know what you’ll be doing there?” Claudia asked as she watched Allegra pack, not offering to help since she was terrible at packing. In that way it was a good thing she couldn’t go, Allegra having to pack both their bags in such a short amount of time would have been a hard thing to achieve. Not that that made having to stay behind any easier. "Not officially, no. I expect we'll be properly briefed on arrival." Hah. 'Briefed.' Since when did Allegra use words like that? "Probably aid work, is my best guess. Who knows how receptive to Vols the people we'll be working with are. That could affect what we're allowed to do?" “I doubt whether you’re a Vol or not will be their top priority considering what they’re going through.” Aid was aid and it sounded like it was desperately needed considering the circumstances. If help was turned down because it was being offered by Vols then there was some serious problems with the priorities of those being offered relief. Allegra wasn't so sure about that. Obviously wherever they were going was receptive enough to allow Vols to volunteer, but -- as they'd seen only too recently -- powers and how they were used was still a touchy subject, difficult to understand even as a Vol. Harder, she suspected, for those who didn't have a power at all. "I mean, I think we'll be allowed to help. Just, I'm not sure how much." “They’re not going to be like ‘heaps of people are missing and we don’t know how many of them are dead, and hundreds of people are homeless but your help isn’t good enough’,” Claudia argued. “I highly doubt Vol politics are on their mind unless they think it’s a Vol who caused the rain.” "I guess we'll find out," Allegra remarked, signalling the end of that subject with her somewhat clipped tone, trying to push back the urge to consider conspiracy theories. It had been awfully well-timed -- the formation of the Squad, the mudslides. But no, no one would be that horrid, would they? This was 2013. The only people who manufactured things like that were Hume, and he was dead now. “Well, you will at least,” Claudia replied, “I’ll just be here. Making sure I can get notes for all of you that are missing class so you don’t fall behind and hoping that you and Anthony are okay.” Allegra wanted to point out that their teachers were unlikely to care about falling behind considering the excuse they had, but held her tongue. "Thanks. For the notes, that is. And Anthony and I are going to be fine. Caleb and Ashton too." Claudia wasn’t really as concerned about Caleb and Ashton or the rest of her friends on the squad, she thought they were mostly able to look after themselves. Ashton was invulnerable after all and everyone else would likely make Anthony heal them if they got hurt, she didn’t need to waste energy worrying about them when she already had to worry about Anthony a lot. But it seemed kind of rude to inform Allegra that she wasn’t worried about them at all when one of them was her boyfriend. “It’s going to be weird being here without you,” she said instead. "I know. It'll be weird going without you." “Yeah,” Claudia said slowly, trying not to let herself get upset about the whole thing all over again. “But you’ll have Caleb and you’ll be busy helping people so you’ll barely have time to miss me.” "I was busy during the kidnappings, remember? And I missed you then too." Of course, she didn't have the energy or time to devote towards actively missing Claudia as much as her friend would have had whilst she remained at IVI, but she still missed her, even if it wasn't in the manner that she knew Claudia was referring to. "And you'll have Hailey and Nate. Oh, and I heard that my team will be training with you, so you'll get to see how cool some of them are in action!" “Great,” Claudia replied, rolling her eyes, “getting to train with your super competitive team and getting to see powers in action that maybe if I had I’d have been allowed to be part of the squad. That totally makes up for everything.” This was too much for Allegra. She shoved a garment into her bag and straightened. How dare Claudia talk about the remaining Roosters that way? People like Jodi, Sara, Santiago -- all nice, sane, decent people. Or there was Enver. Jack. Even the newbie, Toby, was nice. Even Richie secretly liked his team. Even Evie wasn't terrible when she remembered the difference between reality and fiction. The only one that Allegra detested was Devon, hardly a secret, and in any case, Claudia used to like her too. "You know, actually, I'm really kind of busy right now," she said, shortly and crossed her arms. "I have to go pretty soon, so if you're not helping..." “Of course, have to get ready to help people with your emotions,” Claudia said dismissively, sliding off Allegra’s bed and heading towards the door. “See you whenever.” Allegra hesitated for a moment, sympathy sinking in regardless of her preferences on the matter. "I get you're upset," she called out before Claudia had a chance to twist open the door-knob. "And I'm sorry. But how long are you going to make everyone else worry about you feeling upset or left out when there are things to do? Because at some point I have to stop, much as I love you, and let you grow the fuck up already." “I’m not trying to stop anyone from doing anything they need to do,” Claudia said defensively, turning back to face Allegra. “I want to help but I’m not allowed to because I’m not fucking good enough or whatever,” she continued, “Which is stupid because I try so hard and I’m good at helping people and I’m part of the vol club and I’m in student council and practically every other student council member is on the squad, just like practically every other swan is on the squad, and my grades are good and my disciplinary record is good and I’ve pretty much been supportive of the IVF and trusted them but none of that is good enough and I don’t know what is.” Allegra knew it wasn't fair. It was awful that there were people who wanted to be on the squad more than she did. Considering her power, her progress with her power, the way Wolfe tried to get back on her good side (evidently not because he was just a nice man who cared about her), and the fact Sam was one of the leaders of the group? She would have been unsurprised to discover that there was little discussion over her application and whether it ought to be accepted. But Claudia? The only thing that could have possibly let her down was her power. Healing animals -- not exactly the most valued skill around. Which was unfair, but there was nothing Allegra could do about it. "It doesn't mean you're not good enough, Claws. It just means you weren't the right fit for this. And it sucks, I know, but. You can't change not being picked for everything. Sometimes you're not, and it's not because you're bad, it just. Is." “People who aren’t Vols can do humanitarian work and it’s not like my power is potentially dangerous, there’s no reason that should be a deciding factor.” She loved her power, had always thought it was useful, but clearly other people didn’t value it the way she did. “And how would you even know? When was the last time you weren’t picked for something or didn’t get something you wanted?” Rationally she knew it was unfair to take her disappointment in not being on the squad out on Allegra but she was there and Claudia was upset and she knew that even if she lashed out Allegra would forgive her eventually, Allegra had done the same to her on occasions. “And you say I shouldn’t make people worry about how I feel? But then everyone is always trying to make sure you feel okay when stuff happens and make sure you have tea and chocolate and movies and whatever else you need to feel better.” "It's not like I walk around being bitter for days afterwards just because stuff happens and I have to feel shit! And people offer and I don't go on and on to the point where instead of them dealing with their own disappointments, they're spending their entire time trying to make me happy." Which, to be fair, was partly because Allegra could actually feel where her friends were at emotionally. Something that Claudia wasn't able to do. Not that she was factoring this into her rebuttal. "And there's plenty of stuff I don't get in life. It's not life everything is just handed to me. I have to work too." Okay, so maybe she didn't have to work for her car. Or for her clothes. or her food. Or accommodation. Or holidays. Or things like that. But at the same time, she had struggles! She had to study hard for her marks! Things like that! “Right,” Claudia scoffed, “Maybe not everything is just handed to you but a good majority of it is and I don’t even think you realise it because you’re so used to just getting what you want that you expect it to happen. And you don’t walk around feeling bitter, you just hide out from everyone for days. That’s not dealing with it either, that’s just waiting for everyone else to get their shit together long enough for you to not have to do anything about it.” "What am I supposed to do, Claudia? Blast everyone with happy vibes every time there's a fucking terrorist attack? Is that how an empath is meant to 'deal with it'?!" “I’m not saying you need to change what you do, I’m saying that you need to stop judging me and how I’m feeling and how I’m dealing with how I’m feeling when you’re hardly good at dealing with things yourself.” Not that Claudia really had any room to talk when it came to being judgemental. Allegra wanted to open her mouth to point out that perhaps Claudia should take her own advice on judging people, but thought better of it. "I'm not responsible for dealing with everyone else's pain or sadness or shit. Just my own. And if I need to take time out from other people in order to make sure I don't get bogged down in everyone else's negativity so that I can process only how I'm feeling? I'm pretty sure that's called a healthy way of dealing with my feelings." She really needed to resist bringing up Claudia's tendency for judgmentalism, the urge looming on the tip of her tongue. "But fine. Go deal with your feelings. I have to pack." “No, but everyone else is responsible for making sure you’re dealing with your shit. Even if you’re not asking them to they do because they’re your friends and they care. But if I’m feeling crappy it’s too much to ask for a little sympathy. You’re too busy, I get it. Maybe I’ll just be busy next time you’re upset over something.” "Fine. Be busy," Allegra snapped, her capacity for patience well over-wrought. "Like I care." “Fine,” Claudia parroted, turning back to the door, exiting the room and letting the door slam closed behind her. At least with the Vol Squad mission she wouldn’t even have to see Allegra again for a few days. As Claudia vacated the room, leaving the echo of a slamming door in her wake, Allegra sank onto her bed and released a heavy sigh. "Way to fuck that one up," she said to herself as she stared at the unkempt pile of clothes spread across her duvet, suddenly drained and demotivated. Briefly, she considered picking up the phone to call Caleb and complain -- and decided against it. She'd just sound like a bitch. Probably because she sort of was one. |