Who: Ginny and Rabastan What: Buying the Resistance time, but it comes at a cost Where: Their hideout in Moleman's place When: Wednesday night, 06/24 Rating: Pretty low but sad and talk of you know, dying.
Every moment Rabastan spent with Ginny, Teddy, and Jessy he absolutely savored like a man breathing his last breath. And maybe he was, but that was only because the plan that had formulated in his head had very few endings. But it was necessary, and that ugly truth became more apparent every day they spent hidden away. Though he wasn't necessarily one with the general population anymore, Rabastan was well aware of what was happening. Wolves. Dementors. And now the army of inferi, dragging individuals away to a variety of ugly fates. It wouldn't stop, no. Not until there was a fight to the death, one they were preparing for, but weren't quite ready for yet. Or until there weren't enough people left to fight. Rabastan was unsure which was the darker fate. But the longer they waited to gather their forces and put their plan into action, the more people died. The more dangerous it became for everyone. And Rab knew his brother. He was patient, but only to a certain extent. And right now, he had suffered far too many losses, between Longbottom and MacMillan escaping beneath his nose, to hold out much longer. Soon, his patience would run out, and the things that were happening every night around them would seem like child's play.
Just a few more days though, he thought quietly to himself, now for nearly a week. Lying wasn't going to do him any favors though, nor was it something he wanted to keep from Ginny any longer. He had toyed with the notion of never really telling her. Of carrying out his plan without having to put this knowledge upon her, burden her even more than she was now. But he respected her too much for that, and he knew Ginny would truly never forgive him for disappearing without a single word. She had lost the last man in her life to that sort of thing, dying without a chance to really say goodbye. He wouldn't deny her of that again. Though that didn't quell the nearly suffocating pain of knowing how this would end, and what he was doing to her. To Teddy. To Jessy.
Rab had spent weeks now trying to think of another way. But the longer he waited, the more apparent the only stalling tactic became. Looking down at the heavy weight on his chest, he watched their infant daughter sleep peacefully, unaware of the war and terror of the world raging around her. That is exactly what he wanted though. A swift, quick end, so she wouldn't have to grow up in this tragedy. He needed better for her. For his son. For his baby girl. For Ginny. They may not have had the chance to officially tie the knot, but she was his wife, if not more. Contracts and ceremonies didn't make the union. People, their commitments, and their feelings did. Gently scooping her up, Rabastan placed her carefully in her bassinet, moving across the room and taking a seat next to Ginny, pulling her into his lap.
"You know," he mused quietly, pressing his face into her hair, "there were many ways I saw my life going. But falling in love with the bitter, outspoken, angry woman who I forced to clean the floor of the Divination classroom with a toothbrush was not one of them." There was a faraway look on his face as he spoke, a small smirk pulling at the corners of his lips, but it still seemed almost pained. Sighing quietly he reached down to lace his fingers through hers, knowing soon she'd probably be angry with him. Horrified. So he'd take the moment while he could.
"I need to talk to you."
---
The world was on fire. Perhaps that made sense, as it seemed to be the defining characteristic of their lives together. She had never expected much of anything with the fall of the world. Her son, yes, but even that she expected at best a decent bond. Not for them to be as close as they were and Teddy begging to learn defensive spells, “just in case.” An argument that was stamped out on her end when he yelled back that he was the same age she had been when they started learning in secret, too. It was hard, of course, to let him learn. She understood more and more her mother’s stance on everything as time ticked by. As she helped teach people with her baby strapped to her chest in the claustrophobic tunnels. She worked with them all, exchanging the children’s wands when they did not work for someone. None of them were chosen for them specifically, and Gin knew that had a lot to do with why they were not as successful as the children hoped. But they were doing well enough to pass small skills. Levitation. Summoning. Light and Dark. For Teddy, it was more intense. Disarming, mostly, and some spells meant to be an inconvenience rather than harmful. She hated it.
She was training her own child to be a soldier as she had been decades before. And it hurt her deeply in the same spot that his infant sister slept against.
Nights were tense, too. Rabastan knew she wanted to be above ground helping. She knew that her place was not there. That she needed to be there with the children. And Ginny felt guilty for having him there, but at the same time, it was everything she dreamed of in the dark for so long. A family. None of it was how she hoped for it all to happen, but there was a part of her that couldn’t be bothered enough to feel bad. She had him. She had their children, and they were together. Still, as time dragged on there was a sharpness to their nights. Times when it almost felt like her husband’s eyes lingered on her for far too long. Touches dragged out. Silences were slowly heavy and suffocating when they used to be easy and casual. There was something that had changed in his mind that she had yet to piece together. It changed, then too, when Rabastan moved to put Jessy to bed. Ginny had been watching him with her as they rested with a smile on her face. It seemed to live there when she watched them or Teddy with Jessy. A constant reminder of how much she had to be grateful for. But the moment was now brittle.
She moved easily into his lap. A comfortable and familiar feeling. It seemed so many points in their life were like this. Gin instinctively buried her face into his neck and smiled as he spoke. That day, too, had ended up like this. Though far less endearing and romantically driven. And to a different effect, as she was now incapable of giving what she could then, and wouldn’t be able to for a few more weeks, still. The witch was closing her eyes and listening to him breathe when their hands laced, and he spoke again. Her heart bottomed out and her head immediately felt light and dizzy. Ginny knew she flinched at that phrase. It was never a good one to hear, no matter the context in which it was delivered.
“About,” she asked, though a part of her wondered if now and far too late she had pieced it together. --
He hated the fact he felt that. The involuntary twitch against him in the wake of his words. What was worse, was that it would only slide downward from here. There was nothing positive about what he was about to say, except maybe the fact that trading one person she loved possibly meant the survival of another. In the past, back when he was younger, this trade didn't bother him as much, as he had been on the end of usually taking one of said loved ones away. At least he was leaving them with something. They should be grateful. But now, after so, so many years of learning, experience, and attempting to grow as a person, topped with the fact he now had his own loved ones when then he had been entirely alone? Well, he understood. He understood all too well. And it killed him to think that once upon a time, in this very real world around them, he had been the master of that destruction. It was funny how the world came full circle. How reality had so comically turned the tables on him. Even now, his heart beat painfully against his ribcage as he still had everything in the world he wanted in his lap, within reaching distance. Right at the very tip of his fingertips.
Fate was truly a cruel mistress, and karma never missed, it seemed.
"Nothing you want to hear, but I have to say anyway," he admitted, his voice rough. It was a small attempt to prepare her for what was bubbling on the surface of his mind, but even that wouldn't be helpful. Especially not if roles were reversed. At least he had the emotional empathy now to understand that.
"I know that I am not a good person, I never have been my entire life. Even with the changes to myself, the things I've managed to create alongside you." He trailed off, looking towards the sleeping bundle that was their daughter. That absolute perfect human being. He had so many high hopes for her. Dreams. Her growing up, becoming a strong, fierce woman like her mother, but outside of a world of so much pain and despair. No, she deserved all the bright, happy things that the world was capable of giving. Perhaps he wanted the burden now of sucking as much of the bad out of the world as he could in order to hope, no, no ensure, that she had that kind of life. And Teddy. He had lived so much already. Seen and experienced so much. This wouldn't make it any better, and it would be worse for a while, but if it meant time to end this? To give them all what they deserved, a life? Rabastan finally understood what it meant to love unconditionally. It was just the greatest tragedy that it took 55 years to finally feel it.
"But I think for once, I have something that I can finally give that would make a difference in this fight, more so than the information I've passed along and the small steps I was able to accomplish for a time. But the cost of that thing, I'm afraid, might be very, very high." Pressing his lips to the top of her head once more, he knew that she was smart enough to figure out where he was going with this, even if the plan itself, and the why, wasn't spelled out.
---
Nothing you want to hear was explanation enough for her. The woman’s hands involuntarily gripped his shirt tight against his skin and pulled. It seemed that the world had become sucked into that small pin prick of a moment against the grand scheme of life. She could hear his heart beating strong against her body. The way he breathed in too carefully deep like he was calming himself. The silence of the house thanks to impressive charms from Justin, which made Jessy’s breathing amplified. She knew that Teddy was either in the next room or upstairs with her parents and Lucinda. She couldn’t be sure, but Ginny felt like she could hear the ghost of their foot fall above her head as she found herself tugged into this moment. Pulled underwater and into the breakfall with no chance of catching a breath. The woman let out a low, shaking breath and her fingers flexed in the material of his shirt. She said nothing. There was nothing she could say that would change the direction this night had gone. It was inevitable, it seemed, like the night when they finally stopped yelling and learned to listen.
He continued, and Ginny felt her stomach clench and her heart drop. She knew what he was saying. There was a hint of irony. That years ago, when they had their first conversation, Rabastan had mocked her for that martyrdom mentality. The desire to give herself up if it meant saving everyone she cared about and those she didn’t even know. The woman knew that there had to be a part of his mind, no matter how somber it was, that saw the humor, too. It would be funny at any other time, but this was not it. This was essentially the warning of the oncoming goodbye. Her hands just gripped his shirt tighter and Ginny turned her head to lean against his neck. The woman fought to keep the tears from welling up and inevitably falling into his shirt. That wouldn’t help the moment.
The cost would be high. Gin knew that all too well. The last person she had loved, though foolishly and childishly, had paid that very high price. She knew what this meant and what Rabastan was saying. That he was dancing around the worlds carefully that neither of them wanted to acknowledge. There would be no surviving this for him. His brother had lost Aileas and Neville. Yaxley had failed to assassinate her months before. The population was not giving up anyone from the resistance, and they needed a rallying. They would not let Rabastan live. He would not be held long to get information out, either. Not with how the last questioning worked for them: no answers and just escapes. Rodolphus would make this personal. He’d want to ensure that his brother was gone for good. Her fiance was avoiding the obvious fact: he would be killed. Finally, a silent sob wracked her body and she curled in against him. This was all too soon. Nine years was too soon. Forever would be too soon. But, still…
“I understand,” she admitted, though her voice was pained like it cost her everything to admit. But she did. Because she would be willing to do this, as well. She had been willing to so Neville was kept safe months before. “I’ve loved you longer than I’ve known how not to hate you,” she told his neck quietly with a wet sniffle. “What do you want me to tell Teddy?”
---
He absolutely saw the irony in the current situation at hand. What he had teased her about in the past had become his now, and he had a sick understanding of the mentality that he never really wanted, but now couldn't shy away from. Once again, he not only saw the sick humor, but the full circle that his life had taken since meeting her. From bitter, self-preservationist with no actual understanding of commitment or empathy to unlikely martyr in a war he had helped to lay the foundation of. This was his comeuppance, it seemed. In a way, it was almost beautiful, if it wasn't so heartbreaking as he felt Ginny hold onto him tightly, her hot breath against his neck as she let what he was saying sink in. As she processed and understood what it meant. He could almost hear her brain working through it all, what it meant for him, for them. This wasn't what he wanted. He didn't know how to explain if he could think of any other way, he would take it. But he had agonized for weeks, and his mind still kept circling back what he knew to be true.
Rodolphus was frustrated. He was angry, annoyed, and perhaps even embarrassed, though he would never admit to it. He would burn the entirety of magical London down if it meant proving a point. And with two losses under his belt, one more might actually drive him to that sort of reality. Many more innocents would die, and nothing really would be gained out of it. Not for them, anyhow. Rodolphus would just see it as an ego boost. A show of force, power, and the truth that he was a force to be reckoned with. He had to prove his power, because unlike Rabastan, he didn't have the capabilities to lull the masses. To pull them to his side, like Rabastan did. No, Rab had won over the public, and in his absence, nothing more than confusion and chaos laid in its wake. It was the only real thing the resistance had on their side right now. They had leaders. Charismatic, smart individuals with a solid picture of the future, and how it could be achieved. But they needed the time, and the platform, to be able to do that. To rally the masses.
If Rodolphus killed Rabastan, symbolically it might seem like an end of his progressive politics, and also show there would be no more room for liberal blood status views. However, Rabastan also knew that the Resistance had the ability to rally those in the wake of his death, turn it into something good, and perhaps win more over to their side in the wake of brutality. It was only speculation, of course. But if it didn't even work in that regard, at least it would buy them time. And that is truly the most valuable asset.
"I love you, you know. I didn't really think that it was an emotion that was worthwhile. It only made people weak. But I was wrong, and I know that now. You showed me, and Teddy, and our daughter." He stopped speaking, the tail end of his words breaking in just the slightest, but he managed to pull himself together. "If I could think of a way everyone made it out, I would. But right now, what they need is a bit more time. Even if it's just a few weeks, it might make all the difference.." he shook his head, pulling her as close as he could manage, pressing his face into her hair and breathing her in, the intake of breath shaking slightly as he kept his composure, even if it was near impossible.
"Tell him that even though it feels like I've abandoned him, I've done anything but. He's going to be mad for awhile, I don't think there's any… circumventing that," he sighed softly. "I'll write him something that he can read on his own time, when he's ready. But I just… I need.." For the first time in their entire relationship, Rabastan sobbed softly, unable to control himself any longer. "I need to know you're going to be alright." It was an unfair, impossible thing to ask, but Rabastan couldn't stop himself from being the slightest bit selfish in that moment.
---
Hearing the strain in his voice was what finally did Ginny in. Her hands slid behind his back and dug into his back. She needed that purchase. To feel him so solidly there, that even for a moment in time she had it all. As a child, Gin always wanted to think about how she’d have a happy marriage, kind of like what her parents did, but with some comfort. Children and friends around them. And love, so much love, acting as the glue for it all. His face buried in her hair and her face in his neck afforded that. Their infant’s fast, deep breathing filled the silence that hung like a heavy cloud overhead. But she had it all. Even for a moment. The witch knew Rabastan needed to say it all. It was something he had to say to get it off his chest. To be completely honest and forthcoming in a way they had failed to be when they started this dangerous dance. So many half truths plagued their past that she knew he had to say it now. To be raw and open about it all. But it still felt like he was digging deep into his body and bleeding out to say it. And she could do nothing but listen helplessly.
She waited for him to finish talking. To be honest, Ginny had no idea what to say. How could she promise him she would be okay when it felt like everything she had worked hard to build up was once again being ripped away. By the same hands that ruined everything she had in her youth. A cruel irony that existed in that moment flashed over her. The torture and pain caused by Rodolphus would have nothing on this final blow he would dish out. And she would not be able to grieve it in her time. When the dust settled, she would still have an infant who needed her there every waking moment. She would have a son who had lost his family already would lose the one man who stood by his side and treated him like an equal. Like a son. She’d have to be there for him in this aftermath. For Lucinda, who was losing her child, essentially, after he had been taken away from her by his last set of choices. Would she forgive Gin for this? Rabastan was right, after all, all of this was her fault.
She had been the one to ask for that help. The one who still fought when her pride was in tatters, her life in ruins, and her ideals broken. She had been the one who challenged him and forced him to look around with open eyes. She had signed his death warrant when she came back into his life. And now he paid the price of a young mother desperate to save her child she should not have adopted anyway. And yet, Ginny knew there was no other choice but to be okay. No, the witch was aware there would be no healing from this. There would be no happy ending and her chance at wedding bells and rice grain tossed in the air was dying alongside the man holding her. There would be no future in that sense now, but she had to be okay. Not just for Teddy, Lucinda, Jessamy, and the countless others who seem to look at her for support or proof that life can go on. She had to do it for Rabastan, so he could go into this not afraid and without regret.
“I’ll find my way,” she told him at length. Gin swallowed thickly and sniffled again. “It will take a while but, we’ll be alright. I’ll keep Lucinda with me. She’ll want to stay with the baby, I know. And Jessy… We have Teddy to help us. He’ll come around. He’s stronger than any of us, I swear. I’ll make sure they’re all okay.”
Finally, Ginny got her courage enough to sit back and look at him. She had taken care to make her face as blank as possible. To hide as much of the anguish as possible. His face was blurry in her tear-filled vision, but she unwedged a hand from behind him to run over the facial hair that’s grown out in their weeks of hiding. “I promise, our little Rabbit will know her dad was a hero. They’ll all know it if I have to burn the world down for you.” She wished she could say her voice came out as strong and clear as her conviction.
--
The very last thing Rabastan would ever think in that moment was that this was somehow Ginny's fault. He had made his own decisions, followed his own path to get to where he was. He could have turned his back when things got complicated. When he had to make the choice over and over again between his outdated ideals that he had been raised on and his overwhelming urge for self preservation, or her and everything that came alongside her. Again and again he made the same choices, and it was always her. Always Teddy. Always them, as often as he could, even if it was more subtle than most would realize. If he had to go back in time and redo everything, perhaps the only thing he would have changed was pulling his head out of his ass sooner. But even then, there was no guarantee that this was where they would have ended up. Together. Engaged. With the most perfect daughter the world had ever seen… No, he would have done it exactly the same, because he couldn't see another reality without them in it. Which is what made this so bloody hard. This was all he had ever wanted in his life, and hadn't realized it until what felt like too late.
Why had he been so stubborn? Why had he continued to be such a coward? Quietly then, he listened to her words, his stomach sinking at each one. The pain was nearly overwhelming as he heard the hurt clearly in her words. And while he wanted desperately to believe her, a part of him wasn't sure. If the tables were turned, he was well aware he would not be okay, and yet he was asking so much of her right then. "She'll want to stay with you too, Ginny," he promised with a slight nod. "I don't know if I ever told you this… but she told me once that you saved me from myself. The dark. That she could never repay you for teaching me to be my own man, and do what was right, consequences be damned." He smiled a bit, happy to know at least in his echoing absence, the woman who raised him would be there to continue to support and help his wife and children, when he couldn't be. It was a very empty prize, but a prize nonetheless.
"Maybe one day after all of this, he won't have to be so strong anymore," he mused, his voice heavy and thick with emotion. He had never wanted anything but a good, full life for Teddy. That's why he had changed, really. Yes, Ginny was a major part of it, but Teddy was really what made him realize the impact he was having on the lives of children just like him. They didn't deserve that, because his son certainly didn't. He owed so much to him, and to Ginny. He could never really repay them, and instead, all he was doing was hurting them one final time…
When she pulled away, Rabastan looked her over quietly, her face flush with emotion that she tried to hide. But she was just as good at it as he was in the moment, which was not very. Usually it was easy to hide emotions, but not now. Not anymore. There had come a point in time in their whirlwind of a relationship where hiding from the other what they truly felt became just a waste of time. Easier to get it out, let the passion flow, and move forward. But there was just too much right now to let it all out, but some was necessary, lest one of them explode.
Reaching forward, he brushed his fingers along her jawline, down her neck before sliding her hair through his fingers. He looked over every inch of her carefully, as though committing this moment to memory. And maybe he was. Taking her face between his hands Rabastan leaned forward, pressing his forehead to hers as he released a breath he didn't realize he had been holding, tears beginning to gently fall down his cheeks. "I don't care about the rest of the world. I only care about you all. The rest of the world can see me as a monster still, as long as you, her, and Teddy know the truth of it. That's all that matters. I will never, ever stop loving you, no matter what happens. But this needs to end, and I intend to ensure that happens, in any way I can." By the end, his voice was raspy, broken with emotion as more tears slid free, his eyes red and blurry. Rabastan didn't care though, not now. He wanted to share this with her, because it was not likely they would get another chance.
--
“Maybe,” she agreed. She wished Teddy could have had a normal childhood. One where he had not been plagued by their issues. That her stubbornness hadn’t made him so sick as a child. She wished that he could have just been a little shithead of a child with nothing more important to dread or think about than the struggles of adolescence. Crushes and homework. Her son had been what saved her from herself. Much like Rabastan, she owed so much to the boy sleeping in the other room. Everything she had was built with the determination to take care of him and give him a good life rather than at the hands of whichever purist adopted him. She still had nightmares, less now than years before, of what would happen should she lose custody. Who would have taken him? What would they have done? A child of a werewolf. The family of a blood traitor. Halfblooded. None of it was good for him. But seeing him towering over her, all long limbs and awkward posture, made it worth it. The pain and suffering. The biting her pride and begging for protection so he could go to school, get healthcare, receive what any child should. He was why she was here to begin with. And she would do anything for him still. It pained her, however, knowing that someone else was at that point. That they would actually give it all for this boy.
She had wanted to hate Rabastan for the rest of her life. The rage and anger of that obsessive need to care for her carried over from school. When he would demand to inspect her after detentions with the Carrows. How it seemed so many of her punishments were under his watch toward the end. That he had been infuriated, even years later, at her disappearing act that year to go into hiding. Ginny had held onto it all to fuel her rage against him. It was easier for the witch in that way to not see the other side of it all. That he may actually have cared--longer than even he probably knew. That he hated her martyrdom because it would get her killed. He had said it so many times in the past that Rabastan’s voice slowly replaced her own when it came to that realization. He had mocked her viciously over it then. How much it must have bothered him to know that the idea of her being extinguished bothered him.
“She’ll know. Teddy knows. He’ll… I know he’ll be mad, but I know he loves you. He’ll always love you.” Gin stared at him with tears escaping finally. They poured freely down her face as she watched his well up. After a moment of watching, Ginny blinked and pressed a kiss, wet and off-target from the tears, to his mouth. She held it there then blew a long breath out against him. A sob escaped and Gin sat back again and stared at him. “I love you. No matter what happens or what people say. I will always love you. You hear me?” Gin cleared her throat and ran her thumb over his facial hair. Then, she pressed more soft kisses to his cheek and jaw before resting against him, limp from exhaustion and pain. Ginny wrapped her arms around his neck and wriggled into a more comfortable position. “We will make do with what time we have left.”