Who: Teo Dunstan & Casey Summers What: Casey gets a letter that ends up being the final push Where: 301 Red Brick Boulevard When: 8 May, early afternoon Status | Rating: Complete | Medium for total mental breakdown and swears
There was a moment, a brief moment where Casey had actually laughed when he’d gone through the post this morning. If it was from the relief of finally having an answer of will he or won’t he actually get recalled, or from the fact that his brain was just so tired from fighting the inevitability of it actually happening, the absurdity that it was happening at all, or just from the sheer exhaustion that he was feeling, he wasn’t actually sure. In truth, it was probably a combination of it. Since the Minister of Magic was removed from power Casey found himself sleeping less and less. His mind churning with possibilities. That this had all been planned long in advance and that they were in the middle of a giant game of chess. The sad part was, it didn’t shock him. Not with everything that he’d seen. Not with everything that they had made him do before his retirement. It was amazing what little changed in the five years he’d been gone. Hardly seemed like any time at all, and yet it still felt like a lifetime depending on how he measured it. After he’d gotten his notice he simply set it on the counter and paid attention to Alex as he came running down the hall asking if he could help with breakfast. It took Alex asking if he was playing statues before Casey realized he was staring and got going making eggs, sausages and toast for his son. He had to talk to Alex about this. He didn’t know how. Well, that wasn’t entirely true. He knew how. In all honesty, that was probably the easiest part about all of this. He’d simply drank his coffee while Alex ate, for once not stopping Alex from feeding Mr. Puffy scraps from his plate. Just stood there watching the innocents of it all. It honestly broke his heart. He tried so hard to keep this away from him. To let him be the kid that he was. Prepare him, yes. Absolutely. Casey wasn’t going to let his kid be in more danger because he didn’t know what to do in the case of an emergency. But that little boy staring up at him with those bright eyes filled with wonder was the reason he’d given that he’d left. It was true, because Casey needed a more stable life if he was doing this on his own. He couldn’t keep risking his life like this just to leave his son. What's more, by the time he’d retired he’d honestly been afraid that it was only going to take the next order for him to snap. He’d gotten into it a few times with Yaxley, but it was all within the confined of trying to understand exactly what his orders were or because he had interpreted to the best of his abilities with the information he’d been given. The man had been incompetent and obsessed with things that had nothing to do with the job. Which made him more dangerous than if he had been focused on what the job actually was. He hadn’t signed up for any of this. He’d signed up because he wanted to make sure what happened to Cedirc never happened again to anyone. These lofty ideals and higher standards. If he was going to do this, he was going to be with the best. Do the hardest thing, do what he could to make the world a better and safer place from the Darkest of the darkest witches and wizards. Fuck if life hadn’t crushed those ideals into tiny bits of dust.
After breakfast he had every intention of talking with his son. Explaining things as best as he could. But Casey just couldn’t. Not yet. Not wanting to make it real yet. And so he sat on the couch with his son, practiced his reading and held him close as he did so. An overwhelming sense of dread started to take over as he shut his eyes and kissed the top of Alex’s hair. Enjoying how soft it was still. Remembering the little tufts of black hair that he had when he was a baby. His chest clenched, remembering how small and fragile he was. Even if really, Alex had never been all that small. But still, he always looked so small in Casey’s arms. He’d do anything to protect his son. And as much as Casey didn’t want to go back, he knew that for Alex’s sake he had to. If he didn’t, Casey would be arrested and he’d probably never see his son again. It killed him to think that. Not after everything he went through. But the crux of it was that he was honestly afraid of going back and not making it through. Be it himself alive on the other side, or finally breaking all the way and losing his soul. How could he ever look his son in the eye and tell him that he was doing what was right? How could Casey even reconcile that in himself? Because he knew that he’d be ordered to do things that was in no way in line with what he believed to be right. They were going to test him. They were going to try and break him. And as much as Casey wanted to think he could do this, he could get through this. He could get through this without mentally breaking. But he also understood that there would be a cost to this as well. Eventually, he let Alex get off of his lap and watched as his son scampered off to his room to go color with Mr. Puffy for a while. That’s when Casey started to feel it hit him hard. Without Alex near him he was getting lost in his own head. He had to sign those papers and send them back. With a shaking both of his hands he’d gotten up and did just that. Exhaustion clearly playing a toll on him, evidenced by that and the dark circles under his eyes, the fact that he didn’t remember the last time he’d actually eaten anything either.
He couldn’t breathe. He had to find a way to keep Alex safe. He had to do whatever it took to make that happen. His own well being didn’t matter so much any more. Alex was the only thing that mattered. He gripped the counter to the point where his hands started to hurt and he tried to get a hold of himself the best he could. He knew he should get someone over here so he could lay down, but he couldn’t. The idea of shutting his eyes and everything coming back to him again and again. Those faces that kept him up at night…he bit down on his lip as best as he could to keep himself from yelling. He couldn’t scare his kid. But it was the only thing that was keeping the frustration and anger at bay. Eventually when he started to move around the kitchen again, pacing, he also somehow managed to send out a message. Two words “come over” before he threw the stupid journal across the divide between the kitchen and living room and heard it smack hard against the wall. He had to get a hold of himself. He logically knew that, but it barely registered as a thought. He paced and clenched and unclenched his fists, not hearing anything beyond his own footsteps. Trying hard to think, to get a grip, to come up with something to do besides grabbing the go-bags, Alex, and find somewhere to hide for as long as they could, or a fantasy of finding Rookwood and beating his skull in.
****
Come over.
Teo could feel his stomach twist into a knot at the sight of those words, crooked and hasty across the page. Short was never something Casey was -- at least not between them without any cause. Even in the haste of lusty afternoons, they were verbose, expressive. Come over in it’s briefness resonated through Teo like a bad note he could feel in his bones. For a moment all he could do was stare at the page and those words. He hadn’t noticed the team behind him trying to catch his attention, or the way their voices echoed through the empty pitch.
“Teo?” More than the voice of their healer, Teo’s attention was drawn by the hand at his shoulder. He jumped, his journal falling back into his bag with a soft thud. “You alright, mate?” Before Teo could even properly sort out what he was to do next, he found himself explaining that he had to go -- a family emergency. Somewhere in the mix of his thoughts he knew it wasn’t a good look, the captain leaving practice early amidst a losing season. He also knew that he simply couldn’t stay. He handed over his practice schedule to the healer and packed up his bag. Changing out of his practice uniform and into his clothing was done on autopilot, his things thrown into his bag in a mess that was wholly unlike how he kept himself.
How long it had taken him to get to Casey’s doorstep he wasn’t entirely sure. It felt like it had been hours, but in all reality was likely only half that. Perhaps less. He pulled his keys from his pocket, finding Casey’s easily to unlock the door. Even though he had keys, and though his presence there was just as normal as at his own home, he still knocked softly on the door frame so as to not startle anyone by his sudden presence. It was a far more subtle way to say “I’m home” than calling it out where anyone might hear it, after all. As soon as the door was shut and locked up behind him, he called out “Casey?”
---
Casey was so lost in his own head he didn’t hear the soft knock. He was still pacing in the kitchen trying to do his best to hold everything together, and he felt like he was barely doing that. Every step instead of being calming made him want to burst out the door and run. But standing still made him want to start screaming in frustration. He could do neither right now. The last thing he needed was to scare his kid. But he had no idea how to get all of this under control. He couldn’t. Because if he stopped then something worse might happen. He didn’t know what that worse might be and after what he saw last night, he was sure that worse was going to be something unimaginable. He found himself rubbing at his chest with his right hand as he moved trying to loosen it somehow, maybe make the acidic feeling that was rising up from his gut abate a little bit. All he saw in front of him was the letter on the counter in front of him, clear as day, telling him he was to report for duty Monday morning at the Ministry. It took him a moment to realize he’d heard something, and another to realize who the voice belonged to and why he was there. Right. He’d called for back up. He’d puposly left his wand in the living room, because being near it right now was not a good idea. Not when his first instinct was to grab it and eliminate the threat. If Casey was even in the slightest better mental state he would have felt a little ashamed about that. Though, it grounded him slightly. Not enough though. Two people. he thought to himself. Two people in the house, made a mental map in his head of how to get them all out.
He didn’t know how long it was before he stopped pacing and looked up, almost helpless at his boyfriend. Casey didn’t really register that he probably looked a mess right now. The dark circles, been a few days since he’d trimmed up his facial hair, any coloring that Casey had was drained. He opened his mouth to speak but then he heard the thudding of footsteps down the hall and his heart sank and knowing this was about to be bad. “Don’t-” he started shutting his eyes tight and pressing the heels of both hands into his eyes, voice cracking as if this was the hardest thing he’d ever had to say. “Don’t let him see.” he turned away and moved further into the kitchen as if that would keep this from happening. He couldn’t. Not yet. It was too much, but not enough. He couldn’t save himself at this moment let alone his kid and while later on Casey would think that in his own time as he grew up Alex would come to understand, right now he was five. He couldn’t explain why papa was not okay. “I can’t-” his words were soft and he didn’t know how to finish that outloud. He had to get Alex out of there, even just for the afternoon, but he couldn’t do it without probably scaring his son. As he turned back everything , pleading was written on his face, the words he couldn’t say. Get him to safety.. Because getting Alex to safety meant even keeping him from himself right now. He couldn’t risk this. It was too important. He wanted to believe more than anything he’d never do anything to harm his child, but that wasn’t the same as scaring the ever loving daylight out of him. “Come back.” he pleaded, he couldn’t deal with this on his own. This was absolute trust in its purest form. He trusted Teo with the most important thing in the world to him. To make that call to keep him away from this. To come back and hopefully just...Casey didn’t know what but...just be there. He couldn't do this alone.
****
The sight of Casey in the kitchen was something nothing could properly prepare Teo for. He felt his blood run cold as he laid eyes on the wreck of a man in front of him. He’d known what happened the night before, he’d caught the very end of it, having been at Los and protecting his own pack from the encroaching wolves. He’d caught sight of Casey and Alex last night in a moment to make sure they were safe before he had to go. He’d wondered, at that moment, if he had really seen Casey in all the chaos. He felt guilt at the idea that he’d gone back to Los instead of staying here.
Then there were the sounds of little feet running down the hall, his name being called again. He turned to catch Alex as he ran down the hall. He turned them quickly as he scooped the little boy up into a hug, keeping him from seeing Casey if he were so inclined to look. Teo took a moment to greet him, to make sure he was okay before explaining that he was going to take Alex to see Grant and Georgie, that papa didn’t feel well and he didn’t want Alex getting sick too. With several promises that he would come get Alex for dinner, and a bag full of toys, the two were off. There were questions of course, from Alex and Erica when the two finally arrived, but only vague answers were given, and a sort of look to Erica that said more than words ever could.
As soon as Alex was settled, Teo made his way back to Casey’s. With a few deep breaths to steel himself, he stepped back into the apartment. “Mi amor?” Teo called out, retracing his steps to where he’d left Casey in the kitchen. “What happened?”
***
This had started long before last night. Slowly his sleep was getting shorter, with every bit of news that he’d received. Casey had done his best to handle what he could handle to make himself feel like he was doing something. Making the go-bags. Getting his Will redone so that way there was a clear plan for Alex, making sure that there was extra help at the shelter so he didn’t leave his sister high and dry. Probably a bit too much late night cleaning. But it was at least something. But the past few days the dam had broken and there was little keeping it from getting worse. The only thing he was doing was taking care of his son. Last night Casey had been going on pure instinct. As terrifying as it was, it was also a reminder that he was still powerful, he still could do things to protect those he loved and do the right thing. It also scared him, knowing that it would have probably expedited things. He hadn’t expected it to be a few hours later. He wasn’t sure why he let Teo go last night, other than he still hadn’t been thinking in his usual mindset. Reassure they were fine, let it go, take care of what needed to be done. And now here he was, once again gripping the counter, his forehead leaning against the cabinet willing himself to keep quiet until he heard the door shut. He drew in a shaky breath and let it out counting slowly to ten before the tears started to fall. You had to he kept telling himself. A rush of anger flooded through him as he suddenly reached out and pulled the cabinet door off and chucked it to the floor. He stood there breathing hard, shaking, as he stared at the door laying on the ground, still wanting to smash something he picked up a pot in a drying rack and started to smash it against the wall, over and over, and over again. Not caring that it’d be damaged or there’d be a hole in the wall he’d have to fix. He didn’t care. All he cared about was getting this raging thing inside of him out. That maybe, maybe, after he could think clearer as sweat mixed with tears.
It barely worked. Enough to make him slow down a little bit more. By the time Teo was back his back was against the icebox and his massive arms were folded across his chest as if holding himself together, keeping himself from further destruction. He might have been a teddy bear but Casey knew exactly what he was capable of and it was not pretty. Casey still unsure of his own voice at this point nodded to the fucking letter on the counter. “I report Monday morning.” because though the letter was quite clear that it was report or jail (which in turn would mean Alex would be placed with another family, and who knew what else that meant for the rest of his loved ones.). Teo knew well by now all of Casey’s fears of going back. The dilemma about how to still be a good man but not die in the process. He hadn’t been able to talk about everything, because there were still some things Casey couldn’t even really talk about even with people who’d been in similar shoes, but Casey was sure he’d made the point clear enough. “I...fuck!” he swore in frustration as he dug his fingers into his sides even more. “It’s a death sentence.” he finally said out loud, low, and broken. It might have been extreme, but Casey’s mind was not capable of toning that down right now. In his head it was either his own death or the death of his soul. “I can see their faces every time I close my eyes.” he said cryptically, looking down at the floor, feeling so beyond tired, but he couldn’t rest. Not yet. He just...couldn’t. But he didn’t know what he could do right now either. He wanted to move over and hold his man in his arms, but he was honestly afraid to touch him right now.
***** Those very words made Teo sick. He had known it was a possibility ever since Casey had brought it up. Though it had seemed like a far-fetched thing at the time, there had always been that seed of real possibility lurking in Teo’s mind even before Benji had spoken with him. His rush to reassure Casey, perhaps, was just as much to reassure himself this day would never come. A moment of ignorance in exchange for peace.
That peace had been shattered.
“Casey,” he said softly, a sigh heavy in his voice. He closed the distance between them slowly, his hands reaching out to rest on Casey’s arms. It was a slow, cautious approach, cognizant that it might not be what he needed, or wanted, giving him ample opportunity to push him away should he want. He hadn’t the vaguest idea what to say. His words failed him. What did anyone say when someone’s nightmare became a reality? Not even Teo had an answer.
***
Casey stood there still staring at the floor, and yet still not seeing anything. He heard the footsteps and Teo approach and his brain registered that it was a friendly rather than someone who he had to unarm and deal with. He didn’t know how to process this. He didn’t know how to make this okay. Because there was no making this okay. Casey just knew that he had to get to a point where he was functioning. It didn’t matter if he wasn’t functioning or not to the Ministry. Hell, Casey was partially sure that when they started all of the evals next week some of them were hoping he’d fail the psych eval and they’d lock him away where he couldn’t “harm anyone” and it would be an excuse to look into his family and friends a little closer. He knew how these people worked because he’d been one of them for so long. A decade on the force had taught him a lot of useful things. He just never thought that those things would literally trap him in between doing what was right or putting everyone he loved in danger. Maybe he was over exaggerating. It was possible. But right now, in this moment of running on far too sleep and far too little food, Casey didn’t think it was. It was real, and strong, and he had no idea how to keep going at this point. Only that he had to. Backing down was not an option. That was all he really knew. That and he was to the point where when he tried to lay down all he could think about was every mistake he made, everything he hated himself for. He’d worked incredibly hard in the past five years in order to get where he was now. He’d leaned on a lot of people, but he’d done a lot of it himself. Get healthier so he could be there for his son. And suddenly it felt exactly like he remembered it five years ago. Only this time there were no lawyers involved and he wasn’t drinking anywhere close to what he was then.
“What am I doing?” he shook his head when he felt Teo’s gentle touch on his arm. He quickly screwed his eyes shut before opening them and pushing himself off of the icebox and moving into the living room where there was more space. He couldn’t look Teo in the eye still and his heart started to kick up a notch. “You never asked for this.” his words were soft, so unsure and not at all like his usual confinant tone. In the moment he liked to think that he was sounding at least rational, even if looking back on it he would be sure that he hadn’t been. Another person he was putting in danger. How could that possibly be fair? It wasn’t. This wasn’t just sneaking around for the sake of Teo’s career, Casey’s livelihood. Casey had seen what had happened to people who were outed and nothing good came of it. This was more. This was a bigger risk. He should have said something long before now when this was still a fragment of a possibility. But he’d wanted the comfort so badly, sometimes this was one of the few things that held him together. The longer this went on he started to realize that there was no way in hell he could keep this safe. He wanted to. Desperately. He’d fallen so hard for Teo, and that school boy crush he’d had all of those years ago was something so much more. Alex...Alex loved Teo. He didn’t want Teo to stay because he felt obligated. This wasn’t easy. And it wasn’t going to get easier. “You shouldn’t have to deal with this.” he swallowed hard and dropped his arms to his sides unsure of what else to do. “It’s not fair to you. You shouldn’t have to watch me-” he couldn’t finish that sentence. Truth was he didn’t want Teo to go anywhere. But at the same time he just...he knew this was a lot and it wasn’t fair to put this on him. Casey felt like he was losing his damn mind and he was in pain. There were so many things he needed right now. He had no idea how to ask for them or what order they should go in or even if half of them were possible. He swore again under his breath, the frustration rising up inside himself again, his mind gone hazy with too many thoughts forming. It was too much. Way too much and he was struggling to keep his head above the water right now.
*****
Teo stayed still as Casey moved away from him. He didn’t try to follow, not yet. He let Casey pace as he needed, to let out that energy. Even as he started talking, as he started with shouldn’ts and not fairs, Teo let him. It was hard to hear, of course. He could handle it for the moment, knowing full well that he might be doing the same thing, thinking the same thing, should their situations be reversed. It was an impossible position to be put in, Teo knew, and it was a terrible feeling.
“Shouldn’t have to watch you-- need help?” Teo asked softly, speaking finally in order to finish his sentence. “Amante, there are many things that will not be fair. I will not leave you because of them.”
*****
Yes. No. Maybe. Partly. It was that but it wasn’t as well. Since becoming a single dad, Casey had to learn how to ask for help and had gotten much better about it. He had to learn that his pride was nothing in comparison to the bigger picture. But this was too much, he felt. Or maybe it was just the situation that made it feel that way. He didn’t know. And the fact that he didn’t know and he couldn’t even think straight right now was a major issue and just causing his frustration to grow. The very small part of him somewhere in the very back of his mind told him that he could handle all of this better if he just slept but he couldn’t. Every time he tried it didn’t last long and it was a matter of time before something woke him up with a start, be it dreams, a noise from outside, or whatever. So maybe, yes, he was speaking a little bit to needing help but it just felt like so much more right now.
“Lose my mind.” he replied as he finally stopped moving and looked up, that same helpless expression written on his face. It was so odd for it to be there. Usually, it was Casey making plans and helping his loved ones through things. It felt wrong for him to be the one who needed it right now. What’s worse, he felt like there was nothing he could do right now to make it better. “‘M not okay.” he finally admitted, his voice still soft, but stronger. “Watch me get killed.” he shook his head, his voice growing slightly louder, breath starting to grow a little more shallow. “Alex....I can’t...how the fuck am I supposed to tell him I work for them now. He still thinks the DMLE puts bad guys in jail. They don’t. They do. But they don’t Teo. One slip up, one and they won’t hesitate. They’ll remove me. Jail or death, any way that they can hang the name traitor on me and they’ll put him...” he couldn’t finish that, panic was clearly creeping into his voice and features again. “I can’t do that to him....to you...” Casey was biting down hard on his lip again.
****
“Casey,” Teo said softly. It was all he could think of to say. He had taken such a firm stance that this day may not come, that it was a bridge to cross when it got here that now, standing at the foot of it, he hadn’t a single idea how to start on it safely. It was a sickening feeling. Seeing the helplessness on Casey’s face, the tone in his voice -- He wanted so much to be able to protect them from all of it. Ideas of Spain flitted across his mind. It was one of those far gone ideas that happened on occasion, the thought that they could just leave, a vacation pass they would never return on. It had always been tempting, safe, but he had never been able to convince himself it was right. At the moment, Teo wasn’t sure that he cared, so long as it could spare Casey a moment of sanity.
“You cannot steal a moment from either of us if you tried.” He said, finally. Even he was a little surprised that he had not confessed to those errant thoughts that seemed like such a good idea at that moment. Teo took a few steps forward, beginning to close the distance between them. “I’m not going anywhere. I’ve said it before, and I will not say anything different now. Especially not now.”
*****
Casey was only half listening as Teo started to speak, the panic starting to sink in further. He hadn’t felt this helpless of what to do since Alex was in the hospital. The honest to God worst month of his life was in that hospital, though at least he’d managed to force himself to sleep during that time period. After a while at least. “I can’t keep him safe if I’m...gone.” he was seeing but not seeing again, seemingly paralized with fear. He’d thought briefly this morning about running. And there was at least one person that he knew of that might have been able to sneak him and Alex out. But that would have been a while ago. Before he knew that they were watching him. Before everything in the past...week...two weeks...fuck if Casey knew. All of the days had blurred together and it all just led up to one thing. As good as Casey was, as much training as he had, there was only so long he could go without being found. And the punishment would be even worse then. It was like knowing that making any sort of last stand would end messy, bloody, and probably right in front of his son. At least this way Alex was spared seeing anything that he might have to do. Though, if Casey couldn’t get his mind right, when he came home who knew how he’d be like. He knew he had to try, and do what he could and get his mind right. But here in this moment, he was so fucking tired between the sleepess nights, the lack of a proper meal for himself in Lord knew how long, the energy he expended last night, attacking the wall and cabent not that long ago, and just all of the adrelline from everything being reabosrbed into his body...Casey was barely still able to be standing on his own two feet. He knew he should go lay down. But how long before the nightmares woke him up again? How long before his mind even let him drift off in the first place?
The soft cadence and soothing words helped, even if he only was half-hearing his boyfriend right now. It rooted him in his spot though, and he didn’t make any sign that he was going to move away this time. He nodded in acknowledgement, his broad shoulders seeming relaxing ever so slightly. Hearing again that Teo wouldn’t go anywhere was slowly sinking in and he was clearly starting to really accept that as a fact and not something he was just hopefully wishing for in his unstable mind at the moment. Casey was by no means out of the woods yet, but he was at least slightly better than he was. “I need....” There were so many things he needed. He needed to put together a plan. He needed to talk to Derek and Benji about what he was walking into, at least in the general sense of the DLME because they’d be in different departments again, he needed to talk to Aly about what was going on, as well as Paddy and his parents, still talk to Alex....fuck. “Too much.” his shoulders sagged a bit more, a wonder he was holding himself upright at this point. “I don’t even know where to start.”
****
Those few steps were slow ones, and to Teo, it felt like they were miles. There wasn’t simply the physical distance between them - a mere collection of a few meters at most - but the emotional distance, the mental distance between where Teo was and where Casey had been trapped. Yet still, Teo took those steps forward, each one a little more boldly as Casey did not move further away. He reached out again, his fingers touching Casey’s arm gently, cautiously, not wanting to send him away again. He hesitated at the thought of adding to the feeling of being caged in and trapped that Casey was, without a doubt, already feeling.
“We can figure that out -- together.” Teo said softly, his hand resting a little more firmly on Casey’s arm. “Alex will always be safe, amante. Between your family and mine, he will have many people who will fight for him, should the need ever arise.” His hand gave Casey’s arm a gentle squeeze. It was something Teo had thought about on occasion -- those few restless nights after he and Benji had spoken, to which his mind wandered to the worst scenarios. He had made small designs, vague ideas, as to what would happen, just how far he was willing to fight to ensure Alex, if not with him, would be with Casey’s family. The answer had always been the furthest necessary.
“First, love, you need to rest a little. It is hard to see a clear path forward when your mind is spinning with exhaustion, aye? We have a little time to put the rest in order yet.”
*****
Outside of maybe a few years during his teen years Casey had never really had a problem showing his emotions in front of people. Yes, there were times where he did check himself because he also believed that there was a time and place for everything. Right now seemed a good enough time so even if he had the ability to hold things back, there was no way that Casey could. He still didn’t try to move away, as Teo came closer to him. His brain wasn’t even registering fight or flight any longer, simply just accepting that it was what it was. The touch though, it wasn’t unwelcome. For the first time since he’d arrived back Casey soaked in the simple touch, though it seemed to shatter what little remaining strength the man had left in him. The tears started back up again and Casey found himself leaning his large frame over and placing his forehead somewhat awkwardly against the other man’s shoulder. There were so many counter arguments in his head right now. Too many years working among them, still hearing stories, figuring out how things were working now, reading between the lines. But just for a moment, one brief moment he was forcing himself to believe that it was true. That even if he fucked up, Alex would still be safe. That Teo would handle it, make sure his baby boy grew up safe, loved, and wanted. His shoulders shook a little as he sobbed unable to do anything else but that for a little while. Taking in the comfort, the warmth, the need to be close. Eventually he picked up his arms that felt far too heavy for his body right now and placed them loosely on his boyfriend’s hips, just to show that he was still there. He just needed this for a minute.
Casey knew Teo was right. Of course he was. This had been the major reason for all of his other breakdowns going from bad to worse. When he got into a mode where the only thing he was doing was taking care of his kid. It was his job, the most important job he’d ever have, and at the time if it meant sacrificing some sleep to meet Alex’s needs then it was worth it. But that became a quick spiral as it became habit, and well, here he was. “I try.” he said softly, turning his head slightly so he was now looking at Teo’s neck. “Too many thoughts though, too many faces wake me up even if I do fall asleep.” he sighed heavily. “I’ve done...terrible things. Things that I don’t know if there’s atonement for.” He wanted so desperately to believe that there was. That there was nothing that God wouldn’t forgive him for if he was truly sorry in his heart. But without an actual priest to confirm that, Casey floundered a bit in that. But he tried. He tried so hard to be better. Be the good in the world. He was flawed, he failed at times, especially when it came to forgiving himself and others. And here he was going once more into the lion’s den. “That’s what keeps me up.” though his grip was weakened it was still strong enough as he squeezed a bit. “That and worrying about if he’ll be safe or not while I sleep.” he admitted but there was no argument in his voice. Merely just a confession. He wanted to rest, just unsure if he actually could or not.
****
As soon as Casey turned to him, and shed that first tear, Teo’s arms were around him -- solid and protective. Teo wanted desperately to keep him exactly there, safely and away from the world beyond the flat they found themselves in, the very world that sought to tear down every last shred of a person until they were nothing but bones and complicitness. He knew that they would eventually have to leave this space, the safety of his flat, even the warmth of his embrace.
Casey’s confession brought a soft, sad sigh from Teo. He could understand the way such a thing could haunt a person, to some degree. He had heard enough from Benji to imagine the sort of mental toll it could take on a person, and it was only in bits and pieces, small confessions around securities and confidentialities. It was the one area he knew he could not ease fears and stresses. He could not touch it more than simply listening -- he would never fully know all of what Benji, and now Casey, would fully experience.
“‘If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.’” Teo said softly, his lips against Casey’s ear as he spoke. “No one is so far beyond forgiveness, amante.”
*****
Casey honestly tried to let the words sink in. To absorb them, feel them, let himself off of the hook a little bit. Casey’s faith was strong, but his mind was everywhere right now. Maybe in time he’d be able to fully process the words, and let it fully comfort him more. It was enough right now though. It was going to have to be enough, and Casey was doing everything he could to will himself to let it be. So, he nodded his head in understanding, still feeling that heaviness in his chest. He dared himself to shut his eyes for just a moment to feel the closeness, the soft press of Teo’s lips on his ear and tried to focus on that feeling and that feeling alone. It was hard but he had to try. Too many thoughts still occupied his brain but at least with someone else here with him, he could at least allow himself to feel like he could share the burden. Not everything had to be resting on his shoulders. That it would get better. They had to. That maybe for the first time in the last several days there was a little bit of light at the end of this. Perhaps just a little bit of a pin prick, but it was there. When he spoke again his words were almost at a whisper, as if it took all of his remaining energy to speak them. “I love you.” it was the simplest, and purest truth out of all of them. Right now, feeling safe and secure in this embrace Casey felt that. Amidst everything else happening in his head right, everything he was feeling that was overwhelming him, that was there too. Steady and solid. Something he could cling to in order to keep him from going fully under.
“If I lay down will you lay down with me?” he asked, slowly drawing himself up. “Just for a bit?” he figured he probably already knew the answer, but Teo’s presence was calming. It gave him something else to focus on. Casey had no idea how long he could possibly even rest right now, but it was the only solution he could come up with right now without actually taking a draft of something that would knock him out for several hours. He wasn’t opposed to that idea, it was just that he wasn’t actually thinking about it right now, furthest thing from his mind. Casey eventually stepped away when he found the ability to do so, though not far, and more so that he could make the slower walk to his bedroom where he curled up on his side and tried to focus on what was happening right now, instead of what might be, as he finally let the exhaustion take over and everything started to fade to black.
****
“I will.” Teo agreed without hesitating. “I can stay until tomorrow’s game.” He didn’t ask whether or not Casey would have liked him to -- he already knew the answer. He wasn’t going to leave until he had to. He let Casey step away from him as he made his way towards his bedroom. It was so slow, heavy, that Teo could feel the weight of everything on his shoulders just by watching him. He followed, of course, just as he had promised. He waited for Casey to lay down before taking his space beside him. He pulled the man into his arm, wrapping him in the same sort of tight embrace they had shared in the living room.
“I love you, Casey.” He murmured, pressing a few errant kisses to his neck. He let Casey sleep for as long as he needed, staying steady against his side, letting himself be the one to worry for the moment, to start aligning pieces into plans for when he awoke.