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Tweak says, "kthnxbai"

Severus Snape (delicate_power) wrote in indarkness_logs,
@ 2010-10-20 11:51:00

Entry tags:

!complete, 2032 10, lily evans, severus snape

RP: I give!
Characters: Severus and ... anyone who wants to check on him?
Time/Date: Oct. 20, morning
Location: AS, his room
Warnings/Rating: Angst, language
Summary: He has apparently thrown in the towel.
Status: Open, ongoing

At first he thought, even hoped, that it might have been a trick, similar to the image the Dark Lord had sent Harry, of his godfather being tortured, to lure him to the Department of Mysteries. And now, just as he'd done then, Severus immediately attempted to contact Mercy, to see if she was all right. Then it had been by Floo call, and now it was with his mobile. After about the tenth time he'd received the "Communication Failed: Unable to Send" error, however, Severus threw the thing against the wall, where it shattered.

They'd killed her. Those bloody, fucking, sadistic bastards had killed her!

And yes, he knew they would enjoy watching his little temper tantrum, but he also didn't care.

He overturned the desk next, sending the laptop to crash on the floor, and it was probably broken as well when a drawer slid out and landed atop the case. But it wasn't as if he needed the blasted thing any longer, was it? He no longer gave a damn.

The rage soon gave way to sadness, however, and he brought both shaking hands up to cover his face, as it screwed up in pain. And it wasn't only Mercy they'd killed. Harry, his daughter, Ariana, Lupin, Jake and Oy, and countless others whose faces he had seen, even if he didn't know -- hadn't known -- their names. God, even the Dark Lord had usually had some sort of purpose in mind when he'd killed people. It hadn't merely been for fun.

He'd thought they'd been safe. Once the earthquakes had ended, he'd thought they'd made it through, and then ... this. His shoulders shook with silent sobs, though his throat produced the occasional strangled noise as the wail he was only just holding back tried to escape. Why? WHY? Why would they do that? Why?

Because they could. Because they were like nasty little children sitting near an anthill with a magnifying lens and burning the poor ants to a crisp, simply for fun.

Lowering his hands from his tear-stained face, Severus finally walked to the bedroom and collapsed onto the bed. He pulled a pillow to his chest, for some semblance of the comfort he sought, and just cried. Tears streaming down his cheeks, mucus dripping from his nose. He didn't bother to wipe any of it away. He didn't care. It wasn't as though he had any more reason to bother looking presentable now, was it?

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emerald_eyes
2010-10-21 01:45 am UTC (link)

She'd dealt as well as she could. She'd made breakfast and tried to eat some. She'd taken a shower. She'd fended off what questions came her way and taken comfort where she could find it.

She'd gone back to the kitchen to fetch some toast and tea, reasoning that Sev wouldn't be in any better shape than she was. She hoped he'd eat, or at least take the food even if he tossed it later. The illusion would make her feel better and moderately more useful than she felt just then. It wasn't even noon and she was already exhausted.

Taking the elevator to his floor, she looked up and down the hall before starting toward his room. Suite. The outer door still bore both names, but that was no surprise. Not when Balthazar's name was still on her door. That thought sent a rush of pain and rage through her, and she paused to draw several slow breaths before she continued onto his door.

Shifting the things in her arms to free a hand, Lily rapped on his suite door, prepared to barge in to knock on his bedroom door if he didn't respond after the first few knocks.

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delicate_power
2010-10-21 06:05 am UTC (link)

Though the tears had eventually stopped, Severus couldn't even muster the motivation to tell whoever it was to go away. It was likely Lily or Magius, or possibly Mr. Prept. Those were the only people here who would have cared enough to notice that he hadn't come down to breakfast. But he didn't want to see any of them. He didn't want to see anyone, ever again, to be honest.

It had been the same after Lily had died. If Dumbledore hadn't made him teach, he never would have gotten out of bed at all. But even then, he had done everything he could to save her, and he knew it. This time, there had been nothing he could have done. Once the earthquakes had stopped, he had been foolish to think that she would have been spared.

If he had known he would have lost her, would he have acted any differently? Would he have pulled away in order to protect his tender heart, or would he have spent every second talking to her that he possibly could, to have those memories, at least? He honestly didn't know, but it was pointless to speculate, because she was gone now, and all he had were those memories. And he would be glad to have them, someday, even if ... he wasn't, just now.

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emerald_eyes
2010-10-21 02:09 pm UTC (link)

When he didn't respond to her knocks, Lily sighed and shouldered the door open before she started in. She did glance to the other suite, the one that even still bore the woman's name in fancy script on a plate on the door, and she shook her head.

Cruel, sadistic bastards. If she could ever find a way to get to them ... they'd be sorry they'd taken her.

Stepping across to the door of Severus' room, Lily knocked on it. "Love, don't make me break the door down," she called through it. "Come out and have some breakfast." She doubted that would work, and she dropped a hand to the handle of his door, testing to see whether or not it was unlocked. If it was locked, well, there was nothing else she could do, was there?

If it wasn't though, she let herself into his bedroom.

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delicate_power
2010-10-21 08:09 pm UTC (link)

"I'm not hungry," Severus answered, in little more than a croak, not the least bit surprised that Lily had invited herself in. He didn't think Magius would have done, and Mr. Prept certainly wouldn't have taken such a liberty. But since he and Lily had known one another forever, almost literally ... no, he wasn't surprised.

Nor was he surprised that she would threaten to break down the bedroom door. "It's open," he added, before turning over and burying his face in the pillow to which he'd been clinging. He still didn't want to see anyone, but if he had to see someone, he supposed Lily was probably the best choice. Even if he still didn't want to see her.

Briefly, he thought that Mercy probably wouldn't care for the idea of Lily being in his bedroom, but then he realized ... she was dead, so jealousy was really the least of his problems. Though still, he was glad that he had fallen into bed completely dressed.

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emerald_eyes
2010-10-21 08:37 pm UTC (link)

"I wasn't, either," Lily replied as she let herself in. "Whether or not you want to eat isn't the point. You have to eat."

She carried the small tray to his nightstand and set it down before she perched on the edge of his bed. Reaching out, she stroked her fingertips over his hair, gazing at him quietly, sadly.

While she wanted to dredge up some comforting words, she knew about how she'd react to those just now. They were lies, all the pretty words. It wasn't all right, it wouldn't be all right, and time wouldn't make it better. She could relate, completely, to how he felt. He'd lost ... friends, at least, though she had little idea where his relationship with Mercy had stood. So perhaps a lover or a budding romantic prospect at the least.

So she spoke none of the comforting lies, settling for stroking his hair as she sat beside him. The gestured lent some small comfort to her, and she studied what she could see of his face. "If you want to talk about it," she said quietly before she swallowed. "I'll be here to listen."

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delicate_power
2010-10-21 10:40 pm UTC (link)

If he ate right now, Severus was fairly certain that he wouldn't be able to keep down a bite. Rather than argue, however, he simply nodded into the pillow. He might eat later; for now, nourishment was nowhere on his list of priorities.

He took some small comfort from the feel of Lily's hand stroking his hair. There had been a time when he would have given anything to feel that very thing, but clearly that time had passed. Because right now, he only found himself wishing it were Mercy's hand, instead. When that had changed, exactly, he wasn't entirely sure, but as some point it had. Of course, it Mercy had been there to stroke his hair, he wouldn't be in need of comfort, or at least not nearly as much.

He turned his head, with a soft sigh, when she said she would listen if he wanted to talk. To be honest, talking sounded just about as appealing as food just then, but still, he appreciated the offer. "Thank you," he said quietly, reaching up to wipe the little bit of his face that was visible. "I don't want to talk about it, but thank you, all the same."

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emerald_eyes
2010-10-21 10:50 pm UTC (link)

She smiled, but it was a smile full of pain and sorrow. She didn't want to talk, either, and she certainly wasn't going to push the issue. He knew where to find her, if he wanted to talk, or if he needed a hug.

Shaking her wand out of her sleeve, she cast a charm over the food and the tea to keep it warm in case he decided he wanted it later.

Misery may love company, but if he wasn't in need of an ear, Lily thought she'd like to find her alone time, now. "If ... well, you know where to find me," she murmured as she eased off the bed. Her fingertips trailed along his shoulder before she drew her hand away completely.

She wanted to think this was a trick, a trap, something they'd set up, but ... she'd seen their former residence. She'd seen Dug, dead in a puddle of water. She'd seen the wave obliterating the rest of the hotel. Perhaps filling their cage, leaving them all to drown.

"Try to eat, later, if you can," she said quietly. "I'll be in later with something for supper." She was going to be making food for everyone else, so why not bring him up something and see if he was any better later this evening.

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delicate_power
2010-10-22 12:33 am UTC (link)

"I do," Severus answered with a small nod. He did know where to find her, and vice versa, but ... well, he didn't think Lily had come by because she wanted to talk about it just now, either. Still, he was grateful that she had. It showed that she was serious about their friendship, and that she wasn't merely using him for whatever he could do for her, as he had feared in his darker moments.

"All right," he added with a sniff, though as they both knew, there was a fairly large gulf between trying to eat and actually eating. He might have some tea later, but he didn't even expect to feel up to that. He wanted to tell her not to bother bringing him anything for supper, but he hadn't the heart. Instead he simply murmured, "Thank you for stopping by. I appreciate it." He appreciated the thought, at least, even if the food would remain untouched.

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emerald_eyes
2010-10-22 12:54 am UTC (link)

"You would have done the same," she said quietly. She believed, too, that he would have come by to check on her eventually, if she hadn't shown up here, or downstairs, or made any sign of life.

She also wasn't going to diminish this by spilling pretty lies now, either, so with no promise of 'it will get better', Lily started toward the door. She'd already told him to try to eat, and he'd agreed ... this ... was the best she could hope for just now.

She knew, logically, it would get better, if only because it couldn't get worse. But then, their captors may well prove her wrong if she voiced that thought. "I'll ... see you later," she said quietly before she left his bedroom. She'd only then noticed the upturned desk and shattered device. That wasn't unexpected, either. Drawing the door closed behind herself, Lily started across the suite. She glanced to Mercy's door before she let herself back out into the hallway.

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delicate_power
2010-10-22 01:49 am UTC (link)

He probably would have done the same, eventually, even if Lily wasn't the type to sulk, the way he was. "All right," he repeated, with another sniff, when she said she would see him later. Severus then turned his face into the pillow once more.

This time, he didn't wish he were dead, because Mercy's death was decidedly not his fault. He couldn't have protected her, even if he had been there. But the fact that it wasn't his fault was still cold comfort. There was no way to avenge her death. Their captors were far too removed from the fray. This wasn't simply a matter of using his Dark Mark for good.

Again, he almost wished that Dumbledore were here. If anyone could conceive of a plan to stop them, the Headmaster could. He would have even been willing to endure the old man's gibes of how touching it was that he cared for the lady to such an extent.

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