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Jaime Elizabeth Davies ([info]finder) wrote in [info]indarkness_logs,
@ 2010-08-27 23:48:00

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Entry tags:!complete, 2032 08, jaime davies, malcolm reynolds

RP: Sulking
Characters: Jaime, Mal
Time/Date: after the network mess
Location: Kitchen
Warnings/Rating: Jaime's mouth in narrative
Summary: Jaime doesn't know what to do with herself when she feels she's not wanted
Status: Complete



Jaime wasn't an idiot. She knew Jayne didn't want her hanging around. But she couldn't go to Mal, and her room was across from Kaylee's and she just ... didn't want to be that close to anyone who meant well but was nosy. Plus, Dug was in her room. He meant well, too, but ... all she wanted was Mal. Who didn't want her. Pity notes in the network didn't count.

Part of her knew she was being completely ridiculous, but most of her was just aware of all the walls that had been cracked with that stupid fucking network post. She'd thought she'd been so secure, but that was when the knowledge had been hers and hers alone. Sure, a couple people knew, like Jake, and Sarah, but it wasn't something she wanted everyone here to know. Or to wonder about.

The ones who didn't know what she could do ... they'd wonder, right? What made her a freak? Somehow, coming clean on the network didn't seem to be a helpful solution.

She also didn't want to face Mal. Which was the most ridiculous point of all. He already knew what she could do, and he didn't think anything less of her for it. He just ... didn't know her parents had ditched her. She hadn't outright told anyone that, though she'd dropped hints enough around Lily and Tyler that she thought they had an idea.

It wasn't her fault. She knew that. But the point remained, how could anyone love her if her parents - who were obligated to love her - found it so easy to sign her life away to a government facility? To a lab, to be a guinea pig?

Jaime leaned back in the kitchen chair, plucking lightly at the chocolate on the strawberry. She still didn't know what she wanted to do. Where she wanted to go. Maybe after she finished her strawberries, she'd take a walk outside.


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[info]accordingtoplan
2010-08-29 09:27 am UTC (link)
It took him a really long time, and actually Kaylee stopping by to yell at him for being an idiot - which, IN FAIRNESS, he really didn't think he deserved, and he wasn't sure exactly what any of this was HIS fault. HE was the one, after all, who had had his FOOT EATEN by reavers - to roll her eyes and muttering curses under her breath about him being oblivious, before he realized that chocolate covered strawberries in the kitchen was code.

He didn't think about how quickly he got ready after that, barely remembering to get his room key and blackberry before he... realized he couldn't really hold onto them and operate the stupid pieces of go se wood they'd given him to walk around with at the same time, and had to stop to pocket them before he could continue on, hobbling his way down to the kitchen.

He was relieved when he found her still sitting there, munching on the strawberries, and he made a mental note to himself to make sure that there were still some left if Kaylee wanted them later for the tip.

Of course... seeing her reminded him of why he'd been sulking in the first place. So his first comments did not echo the relief he felt finding her there.

"Evenin'," he said gruffly. "Figure'd you'd be up with y'r new boyfriend." He turned towards the fridge, making like he was busying himself with getting whatever it was he had come down for, which was going to be... well, whatever he could find that appeared edible.

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[info]finder
2010-08-29 09:36 am UTC (link)
"He doesn't want me," she said without really missing a beat. The words were spoken nonchalantly if one ignored the faint quiver at the end of the statement. It pissed her off though, that Mal was saying things like that. It was completely irrational, of course, because hadn't she more or less said she'd rather spend time with Jayne?

She couldn't expect him to understand what she couldn't explain, but that didn't mean she wasn't going to expect it anyway. Why couldn't he just know what she was afraid of, and find the words to make it right?

And why couldn't she at least try to make it easy?

But Jaime was a young woman, and a wounded one at that. She was not exactly at her best when she was bleeding emotions all over the place. "But if you're in such a rush to get me back up to him, guess I'll go," she said sharply as she picked up her last berry and stood up.

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[info]accordingtoplan
2010-08-29 11:28 am UTC (link)
It was on the tip of his tongue to say, 'bullshit - Jayne wants everybody' but he caught it before he said it, managing to cough instead. He clung to his head - that had hurt more'n he wouldn't liked it to - but it was worth it to have bit back the words.

Cause for all he knew, Jayne was listening, and turning her down because he'd... foolishly requested it before realizing that was what Jaime wanted. And that just opened a whole host of things he really didn't want to get into right now.

"Well good," he muttered instead. "You c'n do a lot better'n him, anyway. An' you don' gotta bolt off like a skittish colt every time I come into the room, for tyen shiao duh, you sure know how to put a guy through the ringer." He glared at her for a moment.

Then his featured softened, expressing a lot more of the hurt there. "Thought we were friends, Jaime," he said quietly. "Reckon I... clung t'that, bit tight'r than I should've, made you right uncomfy, but I'll stop. Jus'... don't..."

Don't what? He wasn't sure. Don't treat me like your best friend one day and a complete stranger the next. Don't go. Don't... not see that this was about as close as he would get to reaching out to try and pull her back in, and don't make him regret doing it by hurting him. He couldn't be sure. He just knew he didn't like the way things were between them just then, and he didn't know how to fix them.

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[info]finder
2010-08-29 11:42 am UTC (link)
"Apparently not," Jaime said. She stood in the doorway, one arm curled around her middle, the other held up in front of her as she studied the berry as if it held the answers to the universe. "I mean," she began before she swallowed. "If the man who'll fuck anything won't take you to his bed? What does that say?" The fact that she didn't want to be in Jayne's bed was irrelevant. The fact that she was the one who'd changed her mind when he'd been perfectly willing was also irrelevant. The fact was, Jayne didn't really want her around unless she was putting out, right?

She snorted at his comment. "Friends," she echoed, a bitter edge to the words. That's all they'd ever be, wasn't it? Just friends. Which was ... fine, right? Wasn't that what she'd wanted? She didn't want a relationship with him. She just wanted to be able to fixate on him, to fantasize about him, and ... that was it.

But after everything had been stirred up, it was like she was right back there. The early days at the school, or back before that, at the lab.

She kept her back to him, twirling the berry by the stem. "Do you know what it was about? That ... ... that post? Recording. Whatever. Do you know?"

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[info]accordingtoplan
2010-08-29 12:37 pm UTC (link)
"Says his captain's a right prick," Mal replied in a low murmur that he wasn't really sure if he wanted Jaime to hear or not, crossing his arms... which cause him to drop his crutches. He stared at them as they hit the floor, decided he didn't care, and leaned against the fridge instead. He'd pick them up later.

When she snorted at friends, he took it the wrong way, the hurt leaving his face to be replaced by a closed off, dark expression. He thought she meant that they weren't friends, and he was frustrated with himself for thinking they were. He shrugged his shoulders, pretending like he was indifferent, and at that point did reach down to pick up his crutches, intending to leave before he made a bigger ass of himself, muttering a frustrated, "Have it your way, then."

But then she kept talking, and he raised an eyebrow, glancing over at her. Unable to manage to figure out how to turn his body to keep weight off his leg while still picking up the crutch, he gave up if she still wanted to talk, leaning back against the fridge, "T'be honest, I clicked it off when you were talkin' 'bout how you didn't love people. Figured it was personal, an' you wouldn't want people listenin' in. An' with you being so..." he waved a hand, indicating he was having trouble finding the right words. "... careful, 'bout who you share things with, you wouldn't take it well. Figured I'd give you a bit of time, you'd come to terms with it on your own," the last part was a bit more bitter than he intended it to be. "Mayhaps I should've listened. Probably explains why you hate me all've a sudden."

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[info]finder
2010-08-29 12:51 pm UTC (link)
Jaime laughed, but there was no humor behind it. So he hadn't even listened to all of it. Great. So now she'd have to go over it. Or walk away.Walking away was looking very tempting, but she couldn't avoid this forever. "When I was twelve, my parents found out what I was. When I was twelve, they signed me over to be a ward of the state. My parents didn't want me anymore because of something I couldn't control." She swallowed, refusing to acknowledge the sting of tears in her eyes.

"That was it. That was ... it. The end of contact with them. I wasn't dumb. I knew ... why." She exhaled. "When I was fifteen, I was diagnosed with cancer. No one gives a fuck what happens to wards of the state. So it didn't take much for ... a lab to get ahold of me when I went in for surgery. For two years I was there. No one came for me. No one tried to save me. They poked and prodded, experimented, did ... unnecessary surgeries, took my blood. For ... two years." Jaime wiped at her damp cheeks in irritation.

"When I was seventeen, a few of us broke out. There was this school, and ... it was for people like us. Mutants. People who were a smear on the genetic code. There, I ... finally started to ... I don't know. Get over it, I guess. Found something like normal, and ..." Jaime shrugged. "I just ..."

She pushed away from the wall. "Your parents are supposed to love you, no matter what. And if I wasn't good enough, or clean enough, or whatever for them to love me even when I was still me, nothing had changed, they just found out that I was a mutant ... then how do you expect anyone else to care?"

It felt ... weird to spill it all out like that, and Jaime sniffled slightly. "So ... just. Hearing that ... again. It just ..."

She inhaled. "I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry you thought it was about you. It's not. I just ... have some shit I need to get over so I can act like a normal human being around people."

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[info]accordingtoplan
2010-08-29 01:26 pm UTC (link)
He was quiet while she spoke, and while suddenly a whole lot of things made sense, there were still a whole lot of giant question marks. Like what he had to do with it. Or what Jayne had to do with it. Though he supposed he could follow the logic there - if you felt unwanted, you'd go to someone who would want you for something, at least. But that had to feel just as empty, didn't it? Cause from Mal's experience, Jayne didn't really want so much as... well. Jayne'n fuck anything that stood still long enough.

Though Mal's opinion of the man was coloured by his lack of respect for him, so... maybe he wasn't the best judge there.

"You ain't..." he trailed off, and sighed in exhasperation. He felt like an idiot now. He probably should have listened to the whole thing, but he was trying to be respectful of her privacy - or the illusion of it anyway - and... something. He didn't know. He should've known. She expected him to know, and his lack of... care, on the subject, was probably why she was being so distant lately. "You don't gotta be sorry," he said finally. "I'm the one who should be apologizing, for being such a pi gu while you were going through somethin'. I'll..."

He stood awkwardly for a moment. He wanted to ask her what she wanted, or needed from him, but he wasn't sure that he wanted to hear the answer that she'd give him to that.

"You're parents were idiots, who wouldn't know a good thing if it smacked them clear across the face," he spat out passionately. "An' y'r wastin' far too much of your time, for my likin', worryin' about what they thought or think or did in regards t'you. Yeah, I know, there's the whole..." he waved his hand. "Thing about how parents are supposed t'love you no matter what, but it's been my experience that that ain't always the case."

He waved his hand. "Simon an' River's parents for example. Fine upstandin' citizens they apparently were. Their kids get into a spot of trouble that ain't they're fault, an' they abandon them. It's up t'folks like us t'pick up the pieces. But we can' help, darlin', unless you talk t'us about 'em."

He wondered if this would be another hit and miss.

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[info]finder
2010-08-29 01:41 pm UTC (link)
Jaime shrugged. The logical part of her knew he had a point. The part of her trapped under the weight of rejection was of the mind he was just talking out of his ass.

She also wanted to ask him why he cared. What did it matter to him? Right, because they were friends. So she shrugged again and moved toward him to pick up his fallen crutch, offering it to him. "I know, Mal. Logic knows this. Emotion doesn't listen to logic often. If ever. It was fine. I had things under control. And then I broke a rule. I told myself I'd never fall in love with anyone, ever. Because if you don't invest yourself in a person, didn't want a person, then it wouldn't matter if he never wanted you back, was never going to love you. It was fine to just play let's pretend. To just ... have a crush on someone. Day dream about him. But somewhere along the line, pretending became real, and I just ... I can't deal with the idea of being rejected again."

Jaime licked her lips. "So let me get over you. Let me make it all pretend again, and ... we'll be fine, all right? We'll be friends, and ... that'll be that. Someday, we'll go home and this ... this will just be a memory anyway."

She was rather proud of herself that she'd kept her brave voice on, but she also knew, after a soul-baring confession like that, she couldn't stick around without breaking down. She offered him a half-smile before she turned away to head out of the kitchen, unless he had something else to say.

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[info]accordingtoplan
2010-08-30 03:03 am UTC (link)
He stared at her as she picked up his crutch as though he didn't understand her angle, was looking for her motivation and reasons for picking up the crutch, before he accepted it from her, listening to her words and realizing... words weren't really going to be of help to her, because she was so far gone.

He was a big enough man to admit that his temper flared a whole lot when she started talking about falling in love with someone. He'd really been convinced that she was better than that, better than thinking that there was anything Jayne could give her that she couldn't get from any other guy anywhere. Jayne was a good enough guy, but deluding yourself into thinking that he was better than he was was something Mal had seen far too many girls do, and he'd thought that Jaime was the sort who was beyond falling for Jayne's tricks.

And then she dropped the bomb shell. And he just kind of gaped. And his grip slipped on his crutches again and one of them clattered to the floor in a not-unhumourous way, but he could do little more than stare because really? Everyone but him was privy to this apparent crush that Jaime had been holding on him? !!!!!!!!

He didn't really have the opertunity to mull over how he was being told he was going to reject her before she even gave him a chance to think about it before she was walking away. He didn't want her to leave on that note, so he said, "No, Jaime, wait!" before she could get far. But he found he didn't really have anything else to say beyond that. "Give a guy a second to collect his thoughts before you go scootin' away like nothin' happened," he said, his face scrunched up in an expression of extreme focus.

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[info]finder
2010-08-30 03:40 am UTC (link)
Jaime shook her head. She was supposed to wait there while he figured out which 'listen, you're a sweet girl but' speech he wanted to use? She'd already said she was going to go try to get over him; wasn't that enough? He didn't have to say anything.

"It ... nothing did happen," she protested as she turned to regard him, leaning against the wall, her arms crossed over her chest. "Just ... I mean, you can pretend I never told you, and ... we can just go back to like it was before, okay? Just friends. I'm not going to ... try anything, or anything," she continued, gazing down toward the floor.

It wasn't that she didn't want to try anything. There was very little she wanted more than to wind herself in his arms, in his bed, in his heart, but ... it just wasn't going to happen, right? She could already hear the excuses; she supposed she could at least do him the courtesy of hearing which ones he was going to use.

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[info]accordingtoplan
2010-08-30 05:16 am UTC (link)
He rubbed his temple. Christ, this was getting overly complicated. He really just wanted to go back to bed and pretend all this had not happened, and have everything be fine in the morning, but he was not naive enough to believe that if he let Jaime walk out of here and pretend that everything was fine, that everything would be fine. It would only be a matter of time before the docs in charge found some other button to push, and they'd have to go through this whole stupid thing all over again, so... he wanted to clear the air now, even if it was going to be rough.

"Look, I..." he ran his fingers through his hair, not sure where to start. "Firs' of all, you don'... you don' want me. I'm old, and I ain't much t'look at, and I got more baggage than you can shake a stick at. Also? I am useless at this sort of..." he waved his hand between the two of them, "emotional. Conflict. Thing. As I'm doin' a great job of provin' righ' now."

He exhaled, and then started in on, "Second, I... what makes you so convinced I'd reject you? You ain't ever asked me direct, y're just assumin', and I wanna know if it's something I've done to make you feel like that."

If he was indirectly rejecting her, any kind of rejection, he wanted to know about it now.

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[info]finder
2010-08-30 05:30 am UTC (link)
"That would be the, it's not you, it's me card. Generally the one most people default to," Jaime dictated like she knew. "Or maybe it was a hybrid of a 'you can do better' card. Either way, it's in the 'let me find some excuse to get you away from me' family. You're not going to change my mind that way, Mal. I know those things about you." Well, all right, not so much the baggage one, but ... she could at least guess that he wasn't exactly Mr. Carefree.

"I appreciate you not playing the 'you're too young' card," Jaime continued, her nostrils quivering. Though really, I'm old was just the reverse of that.

She really, really didn't want to stand in the kitchen and have this discussion. She wanted to go up to her room now, maybe cry into Dug's fur, and just try like hell to actually get over this, or repress it, or ... whatever was going to work.

"So," she shrugged. "I don't know why you're asking me why I think you'd reject me. You just stood there and told me all the reasons I shouldn't want you." She moved toward him again, bending down to pick up his fallen crutch. "So ... there," Jaime said as she lifted her eyes to meet his. "I'm ... going to go back to my room now, and ... I'll see you ... later."

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[info]accordingtoplan
2010-08-30 06:06 am UTC (link)
He was confused when she started talking about cards - when did this become about cards? - but then he figured out what she was saying. His eyes briefly widened and he thought about backtracking, to clear up what he'd been trying to say, but then on the heels of that, no. He wasn't going to let her play this game with her.

"Why, do all you girls, gotta make this into one big mind game?" he snarled out. "Yeah, I get that some guys are real tyen-sah duh uh-muo, but assumin' the worst in all of us ain't given any of us a fair chance. So I'm damn sure appreciate you given me the respect've not twistin' my words around into some sort of... of insultin' statement about you, 'cause the truth is I like you. More'n I rightly should, all things considered," he'd been going somewhere with that thought, but with a sudden angry growl he doubled back, "an' by 'all things considered' I do mean that it ain't right to burden you with me, 'cause darlin', you ain't the only one around here who's damn good about putting up a front to keep emotions at bay. An' if you are fallin' for me? You're fallin' for someone that ain't..." he wasn't sure how to explain it, and he ran his fingers through his hair in frustration as though hoping that words would fall out. "That ain't real," he finally settled on, the anger abating slightly. "'least, not entirely."

"M'sorry if you mistake that for some kind of game," he said. "Like I've got some alternate meaning or reason for sayin' it hiding up my sleeve that I ain't revealing. But it'd be damn selfish for me to say nothing. It ain't a rejection, darlin'; it's a warning. I want you. Want you more'n I should. But you should know what y're gettin' into before..." he didn't have an end for that sentence. "...Well."

He recognized that her possible response to this was too take him at his word - that he wasn't the right guy for her - and he also recognized that that... was not the answer he was hoping for. But it was for the best, probably. She really did deserve better than him.

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[info]finder
2010-08-30 06:21 am UTC (link)
There was a very long, very quiet moment in which Jaime stood holding his crutch, her expression pretty much blank as she felt herself being conflicted. It was a little bit like being torn in two, and part of her mind was kind of fascinated by the entire process. Most of her, however, was having a raging debate over his words. What he said versus what he meant versus what he did ...

Words were just words, but actions could lie as easily, and the only way to find out was to open herself up enough to let him in, really, to trust enough that he wouldn't hurt her on purpose, and she really didn't know if she could do that. Not truly. She didn't know how to be open. She didn't know how to not run and hide at the first whiff of rejection. It was easier to just roll over and let life speed by than to try to grasp on.

But if she wanted him, she'd have to give a little. Cave a bit. It scared the hell out of her, and she looked away before she blinked the tears down her cheeks.

She was wary of the fact he said he wanted her, but she'd feel that way if anyone said it. Did he want her, all of her, fucked up mutant package and all? But he knew what she was. He knew what she could do. He hadn't shied away from her, thrown her out, rejected her out of hand.

"Okay," she said finally. Her heart was thumping too fast in her chest, and she felt dizzy with fear, strangled by it. If she took this step, would he catch her if she fell? Was it worth it to find out? Jaime licked her lips. "Okay," she repeated as she nudged the crutch at him again. He should be in bed and she ... something. She was a little bit paralyzed as far as decision-making went just then.

"I ... will take your warning into consideration," she continued. "And ..." And what, exactly? And we'll give it a shot? See how it goes? Prove you want me first? "And you show me the baggage and you have a closer look at mine and ... we'll see if I still feel the same," she concluded. Which was fairly opaque, but about as clear as she could manage to be just then. She was scared, and had been thrown for a loop, and ... was scared. But she had to trust him, at least a little, to even consider taking the step she was thinking about.

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[info]accordingtoplan
2010-08-30 08:53 am UTC (link)
Huh.

Well, that had gone over a lot better than he'd been expecting.

"... Okay," he said, his tone reflecting a bit of the surprise that he felt. His mouth worked briefly, trying to find more words that he could say rather than just that, but then he nodded his head again. "Okay," he repeated.

He became aware that she was handing him his crutch. He took it. "Okay then," he said. He had a million other questions, but now was really not the time to be asking them. "I... guess I should..." he glanced vaguely in the direction of the kitchen door, but it would still be a few moments before he managed to make the necessary thoughts happen that would take him towards it.

He'd... head back up to his room and think about this. But he liked to think that progress had been made today. Assuming they didn't take any giant steps back after this, this could be... a really good thing, and he was... dare he even think it... vaguely optimistic about what was to come.

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[info]finder
2010-08-30 01:54 pm UTC (link)
Jaime nodded to indicate he probably should head to bed. But since she was so close, before she lose her nerve, she stretched up to press her lips to the corner of his mouth. "Goodnight," she said as she eased back down, one hand trailing down his chest before she turned away.

That, she supposed, hadn't been her most brilliant move ever, because now she wanted to keep touching him. But he was ... going to his room and she was going to her room, and somehow, something about that failed to make sense after their big discussion, but they needed time to adjust to the idea of things, right? Right.

So of course she paused in the doorway and glanced back to him for absolutely no reason at all. Blue eyes drifted over his face, over his chest, drifting back up to settle on his eyes for a moment before she nodded her head toward the door to indicate (for the third, fourth, fifth time now?) that she was leaving.

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[info]accordingtoplan
2010-08-31 12:27 am UTC (link)
There was a small hitch in his breath and he tried to focus really hard on certain parts of his anatomy not reacting to the fact that her lips were almost pressing against his, and he thought it was probably a good thing that it took several seconds before blood circulated back to his brain because otherwise, he may have turned his head and all but attacked her lips, because he was not doing a very good job of... taking this slow. Whatever this was. To be honest, he hadn't really acknowledged what was going on here until tonight. It was still pretty new to him.

But he didn't want to push. It... wasn't in his nature to push - at least, not when it came to situations like this. He was useless here in terms of knowing what to do. Put him in front of a bunch of wide eyed confused kids and tell him to lead them into a battle where most of them would probably die, he could do it without blinking an eye. But dealing with women folk was an entirely different thing.

So he just sort of nodded as she departed, wanting to follow her but wanting to give her space and figured he'd... give himself a minute to figure out what the hell had just happened before heading up to his room and... maybe pestering one of the girls about what the hell he was supposed to do next.

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