marlene mckinnon (infusion) wrote in in_tumultus, @ 2013-08-24 12:56:00 |
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Marlene had been more than willing to go check back at the flat for Emmeline. It was a distraction. Any distraction would've sufficed, and this was an important one. It meant that she didn't have to think about what had just happened. Marlene apparated over to Emmeline's flat without hesitation without even bothering to get cleaned up first. Blood -- Roderick's blood -- still covered her from head to toe, soaked into her dress and streaked on her skin and caked into her hair. She could get cleaned up later; finding Emme was much more important. She wasn't really expecting Emmeline to be there, not if a Death Eater had her, but this also wasn't the first time this had happened. The last time Emmeline had gone missing, there had been Death Eaters who had "protected her for her own good." Maybe this was that again. Maybe it was Rabastan. When she heard voices coming from Emmeline's room, Marlene wasn't sure whether to be relieved or worried. It was good for Emmeline; Rabastan wouldn't hurt her. Unless he'd found out that Emmeline was a vigilante, but Emmeline could use the excuse that she was there with the DMLE. She'd be fine. But when she moved into the doorway with her wand raised, just in case, Rabastan wasn't the one in Death Eater robes cuddling up to Emmeline. Marlene's eyes went wide as her breath caught in her throat. Lee. It was Lee. Her Lee, the Lee who'd claimed he wanted the vigilantes to win, who she'd warded first when Roderick had attacked her in the plant shop, who'd held her and let her sob over her parents after his cousin had murdered them. The Lee who had saved her life at the carnival the day that she should've died. For what felt like hours, Marlene stood frozen in the doorway, unable to speak, or move, or breathe, or do anything but watch as the one thing that still felt secure in her joke of a life crumbled around her. Lee had just pressed his lips to Emmeline's hairline and was about to get up and change out of his robes when his eyes happened to glance up at the doorway. And he froze. He'd just made it through the most difficult moment of his life - the admission to his best friend that he was a Death Eater - and had somehow come out of it without being abandoned to the wayside. And then there was his girlfriend. The girlfriend he wasn't supposed to have, the one he wasn't supposed to have fallen for. And he had. And she was standing there, covered in blood, staring at him with that look he'd seen before. The look she'd had when he'd been drugged at her Uncle's party. And he knew that pain in his chest wasn't from his bruised ribs, it was the knowledge that everything was falling apart and he didn't think he had the willpower to obliviate her again. "Mar--" he started, his hands falling from Emmeline's cheeks as he held them up so she could see he wasn't holding his wand, and then he looked at Emmeline and back at Marlene and he suddenly realized that he had no idea what to do and all he wanted was to disappear. "Emme's hurt," he finally said, glancing at her again before putting his focus back on Marlene in an effort to somehow put a focus on her panic, "I need to get her to a Healer." “Lee saved me,” Emme said softly. “I was losing my fight and he grabbed me and apparated me home.” Emmeline really had no idea what else to say. She’d chosen to forgive Lee but she had no expectations that Marlene would. Emme figured she ought to be alarmed by the blood on Marlene, but she was just so numb-- very possibly in shock-- that mostly she just assumed that if Marlene was up and walking, then it wasn’t hers. “He needs to get me a hospital. Or to go somewhere safe and you can get me to a hospital.” Emme’s hand was on her wand but she didn’t lift it. She didn’t want to have to choose, but no one in that room was going to think that Emmeline would do anything but defend Lee. Marlene couldn't make herself move. Logic told her that she should've run, or stunned Lee, or alerted the rest of the Order, or something, but her body had ceased to work. Her eyes moved from Lee, to Emmeline, to Emmeline's wand, then back to the two blondes on the bed, a million scenarios playing in her head and none of them ending well. Lee had saved Emmeline. But Lee was a Death Eater. But Emmeline was friends with all the Death Eaters, so she got to live. Marlene McKinnon burned her bridges and dug her own grave time and time again, and lost everything. "Take her to the hospital," she finally said, her voice wavering and quiet, but the tears that burned behind her eyes refusing to fall. "A real hospital, not... not Silas or... Take her to someone safe." He wouldn't've saved her if he was going to let her die. "She'll be safer if you take her." Lee stood up, slowly, not wanting to make any sudden movements. With practiced dexterity spent from year of not being able to get out of this costume fast enough, Lee undid his robes and kicked them under the bed. In just an undershirt and workout pants the ugly bruise the vigilante he'd fought had given him was visible, turning his shoulder almost black beneath the thin strap of his shirt. But it was better than the robes, than the reminder of what she was seeing. "I'm taking her to Mungo's. I already said that's where I was taking her, right?" he asked, turning to Emmeline and trying not to look as panicked as he was feeling. Looking back at Marlene he crept closer to her. Slowly. No sudden movements. "I'm not like the others," he told her, hoping that mattered more to her. "I don't want to hurt or kill anyone. This wasn't my choice." “Where were you supposed to be right now?” Emme asked, him wearily. “Don’t want you to blow your cover. The Aurors are already so suspicious of me when it comes to me being grabbed. Just-- make sure you get some of my blood on your shirt so anyone who sees you would make a mention of it. I know it’s gross. Don’t argue.” The blood loss and now the adrenalin leaving her system had her so completely weary. And as much as she wanted to ask Marlene about what she was going to say to the Order she couldn’t. Lee was a Death Eater. Blowing her own cover at that point was only going to escalate the danger of the situation more than Emmeline could handle. “Marlene-- please get whatever stuff is yours that’s here that you want. When I get back I’m changing the wards. I think-- I mean-- just until the shock wears off and I’m positive you aren’t going to turn Lee over to the DMLE in his sleep or anything. No one’s getting in the house but me and Lee. Not you, or Rabbit, or anyone. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” "Are you -- I don't h -- Stop. Stop, you need a Healer. She needs a Healer; take her to a Healer," Marlene's voice cracked, desperation that made her feel incredibly weak and young creeping into her tone. Her hand moved up to her head to push her hair back from her face, and she winced as her fingers grazed the spot on the back of her head that had been smacked into the ground during her fight with Roderick. He was finally gone. And now all of this was gone, too. "I... I can't--," she trailed off. Trying to make words work was not working. Marlene's knees nearly buckled beneath her as she left the two in the bedroom, and stumbled like a drunk into the bathroom. Marlene slammed the door behind her and locked the handle, then backed away from the door like it was on fire. She hovered over the toilet for a few moments, her stomach churning in a way that made her feel like she was going to be sick. But then the tears she'd been fighting began to brim over. Twisting the dial on the sink full blast to drown out the sound of her sobbing, Marlene crumpled to the ground in a heap, feeling absolutely helpless and having no idea as to what she was supposed to do. Lee stood there helplessly as Marlene demanded they see Healers and then fled. For a moment he was terrified she'd left the building, and moved to go after her her, only to see the bathroom door close behind her. Closing his eyes, Lee banged his forehead against the door frame. "Fuck it all to hell," he muttered, lifting his head again and turning to Emme. "I just need the back of my head cleaned up and healed. I can't reach it. I was going to go into work to answer the inevitable entries about needing assistance and volunteer to be a Mungo's guard or questioner or something." Running a hand through his hair which was uncharacteristically flat, Lee glanced behind him at the doorway Marlene had left and then looked back to Emme again. "If I admit I'm the one who rescued you they'll know. I attacked another Death Eater to save you. If it was someone Inner Circle they'll... I don't fucking know, exactly, but it won't be good..." Trailing off he looked back at the doorway for a third time. "I need to go talk to her," he said, not bothering to turn his head around. "I can't just leave when she's found out like this. She's a vigilante. I don't know who she'll tell. And I don't want to leave with her this upset." “I can heal you,” Emme said. “Help me sit up a little more and I can fix you and clean you up, and then you can take me, and then you can come back here and deal with Marlene. I won’t-- if she says she isn’t going to tell anyone, I would consider not warding her out. And you can tell her that. I just want to protect you, LeeLee. That’s all I want. I don’t give a shit about me or how this looks as long as none of it leads back to you getting in trouble.” Emme pushed herself up a little, not even waiting for Lee to comply completely before she started casting the spells to heal him and clean his hair and get it styled back in a way that would have him looking like he hadn’t just been beat up on in a fight. “If anyone else sees anything, just tell them that I fought you when you found me because I was hysterical? They’ve all seen me punch enough things when I was upset to at least somewhat by it,” Emme said, her voice fading. “Journal to me, okay? When you have things resolved. Or resolved enough that we know what the fuck we’re doing. Is this something I can tell Rabbit I know now?” Because she was going to write to him as soon as she was at the hospital. She had to know he wasn’t bleeding out in his safehouse waiting for her to find him. Lee sat down obediently, letting her fix his head, staring at the doorway while she worked. "How about I glamour myself and just say I was a concerned citizen who saw you injured as I was escaping and brought you to Mungo's? I can glamour the rest of my wounds at work. I'll manage until I can get to someone," he decided, voice monotone as he swallowed hard. Waiting until she was done to stand up and grab some clothes from his room. Changing into something that covered his shoulder and returning to her. "Don't tell him. Not yet. I don't know how I want to handle this with them. And I can't guarantee that if his brother asks Rab if he knows what happened that Rab won't tell him," Lee pointed out, reaching over to grab his wand and starting the process of glamouring his features into someone average and forgettable looking. "I know you need to talk to someone about this, and you hate lying to him, but until I know who I attacked and how much shit I'd be in I can't have any Death Eaters knowing." Finishing up his glamours, he held a hand out to help Emmeline up. "Ready? I'll keep in journal contact until I get back to you." Emmeline attempted to stand and even just the slightest bit of weight on her good ankle was too much. Her bad one wasn’t going to stand a chance. “You’re going to have to lift me,” Emme said apologetically. “But I’m fine to go. I’m just going to say a stranger grabbed me, I passed out, and when I woke up I was in Mungo’s.” Emmeline still had Lee’s wand, and she looked at him for a few seconds and then handed it back to him. “I know you’re a good person, Lee. I know that you would never do this if you had another choice. And I think eventually Marlene could get there too. Because I just don’t know how anyone who knows you couldn’t put that together.” She leaned in and kissed him on the forehead before lifting an arm so he could scoop her up. "Right," he realised, having forgotten the state of her ankles. Bending down, Lee scooped Emmeline up. With the lack of adrenalin from rescuing her, his shoulder was feeling the extra weight and it was a struggle not to wince or shake. What Healing he'd done on it had repaired some of the bones, but it would definitely need more help when he could manage. But he didn't want Emme to think about that now. Instead he looked over to where the bathroom was, to where he knew Marlene was hiding and crying. From him and about him. "I hope so," he finally said, before focusing on the task at hand and apparating them to Mungo's. It took some fast talking. "I was trying to run and I saw her and she looked really hurt and I tried to help but I'm not a Healer or anything. Just used to fixing breaks. Three kids, it happens a lot. Get her some help, please!" And when the Healers turned their backs to focus on Emmeline, Lee was gone before they could turn back to ask his name. Back at the flat, Lee removed the glamours he'd just applied and crept through the flat towards where he hoped Marlene was still hiding. Through the room they used as a gym and to the door of the big bathroom. Lee'd lost count of all the times they'd taken advantage of the tub in this bathroom. Of how they'd come down the stairs that led to the garden that was right to his left. Lee slid down the door, sitting on the floor and resting his forehead against it. Lifting a fist, he knocked. "Hon. It's just me. I took Emmeline to St. Mungo's," he said, staring at the wand in his hands and debating it. And then he decided, fuck it. He was in trouble enough. Pushing it to the crack at the bottom, he sent the thin wooden object rolling into the room. "Can we talk? Please?" At some point in the minutes between when Lee and Emmeline had gone, Marlene had pulled herself off the floor to sit in the bathtub. The water in the sink still rushed down the drain. Moving had been effort enough. Turning off the tap was too much. Marlene watched the wand roll through the gap under the door. She should've grabbed it. She needed to be smart about this. But she was so tired of trying to be smart, especially when she'd just had it thrown in her face as to how dumb she'd been for months. Without a word, she silently flicked the door unlocked and pushed her hair back out of her face. She tried to set her jaw defiantly, wanting to not look as scared as she was, but her chin still waved every time she even thought about speaking. "Just... make it quick, okay? And... painless, if I can request that," she finally said, her eyes dropping to his wand on the floor. "You at least owe me that." When the door unlocked with a click Lee hadn't been expecting it. He glanced up at the door handle, unsure now if he actually wanted to go through with this talk. Again. It had been painful enough the first time, and he'd had veritaserum on his side then. Swallowing, Lee pushed himself to his feet and turned the knob, entering the bathroom and closing the door behind him. He could see the faucet running and Marlene huddled in the giant bathtub and then she spoke and his stomach twisted and he didn't know how to disguise the expressions that flicked across his face as anything other than utter misery. Turning the tap off, Lee walked over to the bathtub and sat on the edge of it across from her. Giving her the courtesy of being out of arm's reach of her. She thought he was going to kill her. She thought he could do that, now, after everything. Lee rubbed at his eye, as if it would make everything clearer. But it didn't. "I'm not... Marlene, even if you told me right now you were going to leave here and go to the DMLE and give them proof? I wouldn't k-" he couldn't even say the words, images of her lifeless body from months ago flashing in his mind, "- I'm not going to do anything to you." "You are the DMLE," she replied, a definite emptiness to her voice that she didn't recognize. "Every time... you said you -- I'd report things and... is this why nothing ever happened? Why nothing works?" she asked, her thoughts coming in disjointed spurts. "Are you..." She made herself stop for a moment, trying to steel herself to ask the one question she needed to know, the one that she couldn't get past, the thing that'd been replaying in her mind again and again since she ran into the bathroom. The thing she wasn't sure if she could expect an honest answer to, but that she needed to ask. "Did you help her kill my dad?" Lee's head snapped up and his eyes widened as he held up his hands. "No. No," he reiterated almost immediately. "I didn't know anything about that until I got the owl at work from the neighbour and I found you there. I tried to find out from Bellatrix where she had your mum and what she was doing with her but she wouldn't tell me. No one tells me things when it comes to you. I mean, fuck." Running his hand through his hair he looked back down at his feet. With the veritaserum it was easy. He could just talk and talk and she knew he was telling the truth. There wasn't any assurances now. "I... when... when Charlie told me he -- and I didn't... three days later he was dead. And mum was gone, and I..." Marlene finally quit speaking, nothing she was saying making sense once it made it out her mouth. She'd yelled, she'd panicked, she hadn't taken things well, and she'd lost her parents because of it. And this... this was so much deeper than things with Charlie ever had been. At least for her. All the times that the Lestranges had threatened Lee to her, said that she put him in danger, the whole time they knew. Of course they knew. Of course everyone knew but her, because she never knew anything. "I don't understand. I don't -- I don't know what to do." Not knowing if it was instinct, blind hope, or stupidity, Lee slid down into the tub from the ledge so that they were on the same level. His hand reached out to touch her blood free ankle, his thumb rubbing back and forth against the skin in an attempt at comfort. They were both physical people, they both had this need to touch and be touched, and maybe she'd kick him away, but maybe she wouldn't. And some part of him needed to take the chance. Needed to find a way to ground himself, if only through contact. "It was my dad. When I was twenty-two. He told me I'd either join the easy way or he'd make me join himself and I knew if he had to resort to Imperius that I'd never have a chance. I didn't know it was you that Emme was setting me up with, and when we had a good time I wanted an excuse to see you again. They told me if I got information I could continue to see you. I didn't expect things would go this far. I wasn't supposed to fall in love with you, but I did," he emphasised, trying to keep eye contact so that even if he wasn't on veritaserum there was a chance she'd be able to see it in his eyes that he meant it. "That wasn't a lie. When I saved you from Roderick? That wasn't a lie. I got in trouble for that. When I found out what he did to that plant your mum touched? That wasn't a lie. Every time I've tried to get you to run and leave? That wasn't a lie. When I told you how much I need the Order to win this war? Not a lie. I don't want to be this. I'm not cut out for it and I'm only a few mistakes away from them just cutting their losses and tossing me in a cell. But even if you don't believe that, it's important that you know that how I feel about you has never been a lie." Marlene definitely tensed up a bit when Lee touched her, but she didn't pull away. She wasn't sure if she had the energy to. "If you... god. If you need the Order to win, then help us. Tell us who more of you are. So that... so that this doesn't happen again. So that this doesn't keep happening." Because it kept happening. Because it kept being a terrible, horrific surprise that made her feel like she'd just been impaled through the stomach. "I should've known it was something. No one... no one else would've stayed. I get people killed. I'm more useful to you all without being on your side," she said, her conversation with Rodolphus from the week before swimming through her head. He'd used her for information. It was why they'd let him keep this; she was the Order leak without even realizing how far it went. "You... the whole time I thought... I thought it was just your dad pulling shit out of your head and..." "He's going to see this. Fuck. Fuck. Oh my god," she realized, her breath starting to come in panicky spurts. This was it. This was how it was going to happen and she was so stupid. "Even if you don't, he will, and..." "I should," Lee agreed, his eyes dropping to where his hand was resting on her ankle. Where she was letting it stay. "But at this point I don't know if it would help. If I thought you guys stood a legitimate chance then it would be a sacrifice I could make. But you have Death Eater names and you haven't done anything with them. Today one of yours threw a shoe at me. If I betray them I will die. And I'm not sure I'm willing to die for an organisation that throws shoes and makes posters when they should be killing and kidnapping them. Us," he conceded with a grimace. Looking up again, Lee leaned in closer so he could reach her face, taking his hand off her ankle and tilting her chin so she had to look at him. He wanted to make sure this part she heard. "I stayed because you said you loved me. I've been told by nearly all of them to end it. I'm only allowed to see you now if it's quiet. I haven't passed on information you've given me in a long time and I specifically avoid asking you about the Potters because I don't want to know. I stayed because I want to. Even though it would be safer for me to have ended things after your uncle's party." Dropping his hand he put it back on her ankle again, leaning back in the tub and resting his head on the ledge so he could look up. "He won't. After I was crucioed a few weeks ago and I made that deal to keep things quiet with you things have been different. He's not allowed to do that to me anymore." "A few weeks ago I didn't know you were a Death Eater. He didn't know that I knew. And now I know so he'll know, they'll all know and..." And she'd die. Which was really what was going to happen this entire time. "Then tell me. I've been trying. I have been trying to do that, even if the others won't. I--" she stopped herself before she let herself blurt things out about Roderick. They'd all know that, too. "There's a reason we know about the ones we know about. Because when we do anything to fight back, they kill another village. They kill our families. And then they make us think it was our fault." Because in a way, wasn't it? "We're losing because... because the DMLE is protecting half the Death Eaters and the other half knows how to make all the evidence disappear and... how are we supposed to win when anything that could give us a chance gets held back?" "They won't know," Lee said firmly, lifting his head up so he was taken more seriously. "I'm much better at occlumency than most of them know or think. And I told you, my dad isn't allowed to pull shit out of my head anymore. No one will know unless you or Emme tell someone. If the Order knows about me then the Death Eaters will know it was you even without my saying so." He wanted to beg her not to tell the Order, to demand her trust. But he didn't deserve that and she didn't deserve that responsibility. He'd done enough damage already. Sighing, Lee shook his head at her next words. "You're losing because you're trusting a corruptible system and authority to dole out punishment. They have guidelines they have to operate within and it's manipulatable. I told you how you win. You recruit people without friends or family or anything to lose. You recruit people who have already been damaged and are willing to die or kill to stop the Death Eaters. Then you let them loose. Those people won't care if a town is destroyed so long as the reason it's happening is a dead Death Eater. You're all a bunch of Gryffindors with hero complexes who think you can be good and stop this with righteousness and you can't. It's fire with fire or nothing at all. And they know that and they use it against you. The fact that you think anything that Bellatrix has done is your fault is just proof that they know how to manipulate you. It's bullshit, but you're not going to win if you let them make you think that shit." "You can stop insulting me right fucking now," Marlene snapped, drawing her legs up into herself and curling her arms around the skirt of the stupid blood-soaked reenactment dress she'd had to fight in. It was bullshit, blaming everything on Gryffindors with hero complexes. Completely true bullshit that stung, but he didn't get to call it that. Not right now. "You do it then. Fight their fire with that same fire they trained you with and fight against them. Stop helping them. You... fuck, I've probably fought you before and had no idea. I..." "And since when did any of them care about what they're "not allowed to do"?" she asked, her voice laced with a mix of bitterness and genuine curiousness. If Lee's father had forced him to become a fucking Death Eater, she doubted that he'd go along with not digging around in his head. Lee brought his hand back when she moved. He probably should have been more careful, but it was things she needed to hear anyways and at least anger was something. It was an emotion that wasn't fear. Anger he could work with. Maybe. Hopefully. "You asked," he told her, leaning in towards her. "I can't fight them by myself and I don't fit those guidelines. Why do you think I hate being a Death Eater so much? Do you think I like killing? Do you think I'm good at it? I'm not. And every time I've had to do it I have a complete fucking breakdown over it. Do you know why I was tortured? It had nothing to do with you. I was tortured because I was the one who gave the name and address of that serial killer to another Death Eater. I didn't even kill him, but I gave someone else the chance to do it. And Bellatrix was so fucking pissed that I got someone killed who was a better killer than me that for two fucking hours she forced me to hurt someone who didn't deserve it and every time I stopped or resisted or tried to make it less painful she crucioed me. For hours. And if she even knew I was having this conversation she would kill me without blinking. If I thought your Order could protect me I'd have gone to them a long time ago. But you can't. No one can protect me." He was shaking now, with anger and the memory of that Saturday evening. Bringing his face into his hands he tried to breathe, tried to calm himself down. He needed to be calm for this. He needed to somehow make it through this conversation and he wasn't right now. "He's not going to. And you don't believe that and it's fine but he won't. I know him, and he's willing to play by the rules right now and there's no reason for him to think anything's off." There was no reason for him to think that anything was off as long as Marlene didn't say anything. That was the part that Lee hadn't said, but Marlene still understood it, clear as crystal. If anyone found out about him, they'd know that she knew. And she basically already had one foot in the grave as it was. He was getting angry; Marlene could feel it in his words, see it in his eyes and the way his hands were shaking, and she couldn't help but let her fingers curl back around the wand in her lap just in case he decided that maybe all this anger and frustration wasn't worth it. Emmeline would probably help him cover it up. There were a million things she wanted to ask, and even more things that she never wanted to know. Bellatrix had tortured him for letting someone kill a killer. He had killed people. But so had she. And then the little bit of composure she'd regained since he'd come in was gone, the dam of anger and false bravado washed away into sobs. She curled herself into a ball at the end of the bathtub, hating herself for crying like this but unable to make herself stop. She'd done the same thing. Even if it was someone who'd nearly killed her time and time again, someone who would've killed her if she hadn't been just a split second faster. She would've died not knowing and she had no idea if it would've been better. One sob from her was all it took and Lee's barely restrained anger and emotions were gone. She was crying and breaking and he was the reason and they were sitting here in a fucking bathtub curled up on opposite ends. But she was crying. And even though part of him knew he'd lost the right to comfort her, he couldn't restrain the part of him that loved her and wanted to make things better for her. He slid closer, reaching out in an attempt to pull her into her arms and give her something to hold onto even if she hated him. Even if he was the last person she wanted near her. Even if she was drenched and caked in blood. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," he told her, his voice barely audible over her sobs and his heartbeat. "I wish you could believe that." While she initially twisted away from Lee's reach, after a moment she let herself collapse in his arms, too exhausted to hold herself upright any longer. She needed something familiar, and safe, but the person she had counted on for that was all wrong. All of this was wrong. She wanted her mum, back how she was, and to be able to hug her without worrying that something wasn't right, that Bellatrix hadn't done something to her that Marlene hadn't realized yet. She wanted her dad to tell her that, statistically, everything would be okay, but he was gone because Marlene had thought she'd had a choice in all this: that she was allowed to say no, to stop playing their games, that she wasn't the puppet that Roderick said she was. She wanted Lee to be the person she'd thought he was an hour earlier. She wanted to be the person she liked to pretend she was, and to not be selfish, and broken, and to have her cake and eat it too, the way that it felt like everyone else could. "I don't... I don't think I can be that person either," she finally admitted through her tears, wiping at her eyes with the ripped sleeve of her dress. She wasn't strong enough to lose everything. "I don't know what to do." There was a moment where he thought she was going to push him away, but then she was in his arms and Lee was having deja vu to a scene of them on the floor of a hidden room in her uncle's house. The smart thing would be to obliviate her again but he couldn't. He was so tired of this, of hiding and pretending and lying. And if this got him killed then... well, it was probably going to happen regardless. Lee pressed his lips to a spot on her forehead that wasn't streaked with drying blood, closing his eyes and wishing he had some magic cure all that wasn't going to destroy him in the end. "There's one way you might believe me. But you're not going to want me to do it," he finally admitted, bracing himself for the way she was inevitably going to push him away. "It's just... we've had this conversation before. At your Uncle's party. We drank the veritaserum and I admitted it and you cried and we talked and you gave me permission to obliviate you to keep us both safe. And I know that sounds crazy to you now, but I was under veritaserum and you trusted me take the memory away. But I could give it back to you. I only covered it up. It's still there. I get it though. If you don't want me there. It's just the only thing I can think of." If anything, this at least had caused Marlene's sobs to start to slow as she tried to make sense of what he was saying. There was no way she would've done that, right? She wouldn't let a Death Eater into her head, where everything about the Order was, when people could get around Veritaserum. He could've been lying. But then the other day when he'd asked her about that night... maybe she hadn't gotten that headache due to remembering how hung over she'd been. "God, I am the dumbest person..." she muttered under her breath, sitting up and pushing the damp strands of her hair out of her face. "I... not tonight," Marlene finally decided. "My head's not -- I can't." She'd been practicing with Moody on how to fight this if someone tried to get into her thoughts, into things she didn't want them to see, but with this, and Roderick, and the physical injuries that had been pushed out of her mind, there was no way she could handle it. "Is that... I don't know. Is that okay?" She moved, but it wasn't to push him away and stare at him in horror, which had been what Lee was expecting. His breathing returned to normal and he nodded in earnest. "Yeah, no, that's fine. Whatever... whatever you need. I wouldn't look at or mess with anything besides that memory, I know how much it sucks when someone does that. But you have no reason to trust me and I get that." Biting his lip, Lee followed where her hands had been, tracing her hair behind her ears and running his thumb along her jawline. "Are you... are you going to say anything? I can't ask you not to, but... Emme said she wouldn't ward you out if you agreed not to. But if you do I'm going to need somewhere to hide - from both sides - and this place is all I have. So just. If you're going to tell I want to be prepared to hide." Which was the question of the night, really. Marlene had no idea what she was going to do. She'd told when it was Charlie, and the fallout from that had been terrible. But Charlie had been violent before. There'd been precedent. And she'd never been as in love with Charlie as he claimed to be with her. It shouldn't have been an excuse, and Marlene hated herself for letting it be one. But why did she have to give up everything, all the time? Why did she have to lose everything first, before they finally got bored with her and killed her? Why was she making excuses for a self-admitted murderer? Because she was one now too. And she was a hypocrite. "If I tell, I'm... I'm not even dead. They'll torture me to the point that I'll wish I was, and then they'll keep going," Marlene said quietly. "She can change the wards if she wants. But I don't have anywhere else to go." Lee nodded. He wasn't real keen on pushing her out when the only place she could go was her brother's. Unable to stop himself, he kissed her forehead in that same clean spot. "How about this. I tell Emme you agreed not to say anything so she keeps you in the wards and you can still come here to be safe. But if you change your mind and decide you need to tell someone - for whatever reason you have - you let her or I know first so we can change the wards. I don't want to force you to keep a secret you didn't want. I just don't really want to go to Azkaban," he admitted, pressing his lips together tightly. Even if he deserved it, he knew he'd never be able to survive the place. Marlene sat there unmoving and exhausted as he kissed her forehead, then finally nodded in agreement. Because what else could she do? She didn't have a choice. Or well. She always had a choice -- James had said that once -- but every other one ended with her dead. "I need... I need you to be honest with me now about this, okay? If they're making you do something, if... don't... I can't... I can't lose anyone else. I need to know that you're not going to use me to get to anyone else." Moving his hands to her cheeks, Lee tilted her face up towards him, resting his forehead against hers where he'd just kissed her. "I'm not going to use you for anything. I promise. If the only good thing I can do as part of this is to help keep you and Emme a little safer than that's what I'll do." He wanted to kiss her, to tell her he loved her, to promise that he'd protect her. But he didn't want the words to feel meaningless to her. He didn't want her to doubt them in the wake of his other lies. "I need to go to work so I can get on guard for Emmeline. In case the Death Eater who attacked her comes back to try and finish it. You can stay here as long as you need. If you need to clean up or change or anything. And when you want to talk more we'll talk. Are you okay enough for me to leave?" Marlene looked back at him, it obvious that the fear and hurt and the exhaustion were all still there in her eyes. She was just so tired, and there wasn't anything that was going to make this go away. "Okay," she nodded, scooting away so that Lee could get up. She needed to be somewhere that he wasn't for a while so that she could think everything through. "I... I think I'm going to go see my mum. Or something. I don't know. Go be with Emme." Lee paused at her words. Wanting to warn her somehow that she should stay away from her mother. But he could see by looking at her how defeated she was already, and he knew the knowledge of her mum would break her. So he nodded, slowly, and pushed himself to his feet and climbed out of the tub, wincing as he hit his hurt knee against it. Composing himself, he bent down to grab his wand and kiss her head a third time, and walked to the door. He needed to change into a shirt that didn't have streaks of blood on it without vomiting as the adrenaline from the conversation started to recede and the knowledge that Marlene was covered in someone else's blood and now he was as well began to make his head light. And he wanted to ask her who's blood it was but at this moment he didn't think he was worthy of an answer. With his hand on the knob he turned back to look at her. "I..." love you. The words weren't spoken, but they didn't have to be. They were all over his face. "I'll be here. When you're ready. Hon." Marlene watched him leave, biting the insides of her cheeks until the door was closed behind Lee to stop herself from crying again. She could see everything he'd left unspoken on his face, but how could she know if it was real anymore? What if he only still loved her because she'd promised not to tell, because he'd end up in Azkaban if she said anything to anyone? What if it was just one more lie (because clearly, he was quite good at that)? Once the door was closed, she slumped down in the bathtub again, tempted to turn the water on and let it flow until she went under. It would be easier, and drowning wasn't easy. She needed to go, though; the wards hadn't been changed yet, and Rabastan could still get into the bathroom there if he came looking for Emmeline. While Lee might have promised that he wouldn't hurt her, she didn't expect the same from a Lestrange. Not even from her old boss. She gathered up a change of clothes, her plant George, and her wand, then left the flat behind to go to her mother's house. It felt like she'd lost everything else, and right then she needed the only person she'd ever gotten back. |