WHO: Harry Potter & Remus Lupin WHEN: Right after Snape is killed in the post right below this. WHERE: The secret hide-away in Spinner's End. WHAT: Realizations, comfort, etc. RATING: PG STATUS: Done
This couldn't be happening. It was mad. It was his fault, wasn't it?
Harry took a moment or two to recover from what had just happened. He didn't understand at first, not really. Everything had happened so fast. He'd thought he was done for, honestly. And he hadn't even let anyone know where he was going--he really had to stop doing that. Then there was the yelling and he'd been pushed out of the way and then...
Where the hell was he? He didn't recognize his surroundings, so he wasn't in the dungeons in the castle. But that's definitely what it was. A dungeon. And he could hear the yelling over his head.
The killing curse. Oh...no. No, no, this wasn't happening, he was not witnessing another death he couldn't prevent. "No!" Harry yelled, banging on the walls, desperately trying to work a way out. He pulled out his wand, but no spell he knew seemed to break through. It would've been too late anyway. Whatever had happened above him was over. It had grown quiet. He didn't know how long he'd been in there, but Harry couldn't catch his breath. He was still fighting desperately, trying to get out. Even if he was too late, it was his fault if he didn't try.
When he'd grown exhausted, he leaned against one of the cold stone walls and sunk to the floor in a heap. What had he done wrong? He'd tried to be so careful, and instead? Oh, Merlin, what had he done? And how was he going to let anyone know?
Remus had been enjoying a quiet evening with his future wife and little girl when his small glass goblet started to turn colors. It had been a system he and Snape had created early on in case one needed the other. Knowing it couldn't be good news, Remus quickly bid both Tonks and Felicity goodbye, hoping it wasn't his last.
He apparated to Spinner's End. Finding the door blasted open, he rushed inside, his eyes landing on Snape's fallen body. He felt to his knees besides the man, his heart in his throat. He was dead. Remus blinked quickly, conflicted emotions coursing his veins. He glanced toward Snape's special hideaway and saw the rug had been disturbed. Keeping his wand at the ready, he slipped inside, hoping he wasn't falling for a trap.
As the door slipped open, Harry gripped his wand in front of him, a stupefy on his lips. He didn't know why the door hadn't worked for him, but he knew there was magic stronger and darker than his, and if someone was able to get in, then they were probably worthy of being feared.
But when he recognized the kind eyes and gentle face, he released a choking sound instead of the jinx he'd been prepared with. "R-Remus?" he stammered, and all the fight drained from him. Hugging his knees to his chest, Harry felt himself begin violently shaking, but had no idea how to make it stop. And he hadn't the energy to try.
"Oh, Harry, my dear boy." Somehow, Remus wasn't surprised to find Harry there. Snape hadn't used that door himself for a reason. He sealed the entrance quickly before going to the young man. He pulled Harry close to his chest, not caring if the kid felt babyish. "I'm so sorry."
Harry did feel babyish, but not in the way that Remus might have thought. He felt the same way he did when surrounded by dementors--as if reliving his parents' deaths all over again. Once again, someone had died for him, and once again, he'd been helpless to stop it. Clinging fiercely to Remus' shoulders, Harry bit his lip to fight off tears. "He's...he's d-dead isn't he?" he nearly whimpered.
Remus blinked back his own tears as he squeezed Harry tightly. He rubbed gentle circles into the boy's back, wishing he could somehow fight this battle for him. "He's in a better place." Remus had to believe that. Snape hadn't lived a happy life. Maybe he finally was content.
"That's bull," Harry argued, though his voice shook. "It's...that's what people say when... Why? He could've just let them... He didn't..." At some point, he'd be able to make a coherent sentence again. It wasn't that time, though.
"He'd have never let anyone hurt you." Remus sighed deeply, his own emotions a mess as he tried to comfort Harry. Remus had lost yet another friend. It was unfair, but who said life was supposed to be fair? Perhaps it was selfish to worry about his own feelings, anyway. At least now Snape's name could be cleared once and for all.
"But he should have," Harry continued, knowing he was fighting a losing battle. "It's not... Dammit, why does this keep happening? It's not..." The next words out of his mouth would have been 'it's not fair', but he was so sick of feeling that way. Harry knew better than most how unfair it really was, but that didn't make it go away or get better.
"What?" Remus gently pushed Harry from him, gripping the slender shoulders. "How can you say that?"
Harry swallowed hard, the back of his throat dry. He attempted to avoid Remus' eyes as he murmured, "I'm just tired of it, is all. If it... If it keeps on this way, I'm going to lose you all. I'll lose every one of you and it's going to be my fault before it's all over."
"No!" Remus hardly allowed his tone to sharpen, but the situation called for it. "Don't you dare say that, do you understand me?" He shook Harry, urgency written into every feature in his face. "None of this is your fault. None of it! It's that bastard's and…he won't win. He won't!"
Pausing, Harry inhaled deeply. The convulsions slowed and he felt the cold sweat coming to an end. "He saw me," he said quietly. "He knows I was here. He's... None of us are safe now. Not until we're...until we end this."
"It was Voldemort then…" Remus took a moment to gather himself. He tried to force his mind away from Snape's final moments and the fear Harry must have felt. "It's very lucky he couldn't find you." Impulsively, Remus hugged Harry close again. "So very lucky." His voice cracked and he cursed himself for it.
All of this and Remus was only worried about whether or not he'd lived. It was almost unbelievable and yet Harry couldn't help returning the hug, somewhat desperately. He wasn't typically one for affection, especially not from adults. But he'd just witnessed an actual human being dying for him--or about to, anyway--and it left him more rattled than he cared to admit. At that point, he was willing to hug everyone just as long as they'd live. "I don't think he thinks of it that way," he answered a bit sardonically. A small, bitter laugh escaped. "I think he's a bit more worried about..." With a deep breath, Harry retrieved the locket from his robes. He gripped it in his hands, staring at it bitterly. As if it were the locket's fault that Severus Snape was dead.
"Is that…?" Remus wasn't afraid of much, but thinking that he was viewing a piece of Voldemort's soul shook his very core.
Harry nodded slowly. "He...Snape...Professor Snape had it." For the first time, the words came out with complete respect. "All along. RAB--Sirius' brother. Regulus. He's the one who stole it from...him." And, for the first time, he found Voldemort's name difficult to say. "He gave it to Professor Snape to look after."
"I'm so sorry, Harry." Remus had known the story; he had been the secret keeper, after all. Still, he knew he couldn't divulge just how much he had known without Harry flipping. Harry had to discover the truth on his own, but then wasn't the time to open any wounds. He was upset enough. He patted the young man's cheek. "I'm glad you know the truth about Severus though." He cocked his head, glad to see Harry was calming. "It isn't safe to stay here."
"No," Harry agreed, placing the locket-the Horcrux-back into his robes and pulling himself to his feet. "I... I need to see him. I want to say goodbye." Maybe it was a bit morbid, but Harry lifted his chin somewhat defiantly. He'd never been able to truly thank the man while he was alive, but maybe, if Remus was right, there was a spirit about that would hear Harry's words.
Remus nodded. "Of course." He stood, helping Harry to his feet. "Your wand in tact?"
Reaching into his robes, Harry pulled out his wand and gripped it firmly. "Yeah," he replied, holding his breath a bit. "Can you... Are you able to..." He'd seen Remus seal the door, but what if his friend hadn't known how hard it was to get back out? Nodding towards the entrance he'd come through, he watched Remus a bit warily.
In spite of the heavy circumstances, Remus smirked. "What closes, must open." His body twisted toward the door and he muttered a spell, allowing the door to blast open again. "After me." He pulled Harry by the arm, keeping him behind as he started through the door. Once inside the living area again, Remus tried to keep his eyes from landing on the body as he made sure the coast was clear. Finally, he stepped completely out of the trap door, allowing Harry to enter.
Harry hated being guarded that way, but he knew it was necessary. It bothered him, however, considering Remus had a family to go home to and Harry, if anything happened, was nearly done with his journey anyway. Still, he didn't argue. Death became a different matter when you'd looked at it so closely. Again.
Stepping into the room, Harry inhaled sharply. It felt a bit like being in the graveyard all over again. At least now he had the comfort of having Remus near. Then, he'd been alone. Alone with Cedric. And now?
Slowly, he made his way to the body of his former Potions professor. His professor and his protector, as he now realized. He bit his lip to the point of pain and knelt beside the man, guilt flooding him thoroughly.
Partly out of respect, but mostly out of a need to keep guard, Remus stood to the side. He'd have bowed his head if he felt he could afford the small lessening in physical readiness. Since he could not, he kept his shoulders slumped, trying to force the memories of their school days from his head. Harry was not the only one with guilt, but, for Remus, Snape's death meant more. Severus had become a friend if even a reluctant one. It felt as if the last of Remus' youth had been killed. Perhaps his time drew new as well? As much as Remus didn't wish for it, his heart did ache with all the loss. He simply kept thinking of Tonks and their lovely baby; nothing could be worth leaving them. Nothing. And there was still Harry to care for and Draco fighting his own demons…Remus inhaled sharply, trying to remain steady.
Snape seemed so much more innocent in death. For all the times they'd bickered and fought, Harry couldn't remember the man ever actually hurting him. He knew that he'd never gotten along with his father, but from what Harry had seen in the Pensieve, neither of them had been in the right in that feud. Everyone had their faults, in the end. He only wished it hadn't taken him so long to see that.
"We have to tell Professor McGonagall," Harry said quietly, slowly getting to his feet. "And the others. They need to know... We'll have to inform the Ministry, eventually. Clear his name. Officially, I mean."
Remus patted Harry's back. "There's time." He cast a sorrowful glance toward the body. He hated leaving it there. "I'll make sure he's…moved." He tapped Harry's elbow. "We need to hasten, Harry."
"I know," Harry replied, though he had no urge to hurry. "I doubt he'll come back, honestly. Probably thinks I was whisked to the school or the Ministry or something." Which only made him worry more for the school. How long before the wards failed them?
Had Remus been able to read Harry's thoughts he might have agreed. However that power had never been one he was very good at and so he only urged Harry with a nod of his head. "I'm sorry, Harry."
Swallowing hard, Harry nodded. "It's...it's fine, really." Which it wasn't. Another person gone because of him? How was he supposed to live with himself? "We should probably get going." It still didn't rush him out the door. He lingered, glancing around his surroundings. It wasn't fair that the only time he got to see this man as a person was after he was gone.
Perhaps that was always the way. How many children ever viewed adults as anything but what they saw? Harry was growing up and Remus would have been proud to see into his heart. In fact, he didn't need to see anything to think fondly on the boy; Harry was a damn good person and didn't deserve one thing that was happening to him. Perhaps Lily had made the wro---
Suddenly, Remus' head snapped up. "Do you wish to see something, Harry? Do you realise where we are?"
"I...no?" Harry replied, looking a bit puzzled. The sudden jump seemed so confusing considering their surroundings. Where they were? They were in Severus Snape's home, on a street called Spinner's End, in middle of nowhere mill town. Obviously.
"This was Severus' childhood home," Remus explained, a soft smile spreading at Harry's confused look. "Your mother, Harry. Would you like to see where she grew up?"
"My...what?" Harry all but yelped, even more surprised. He knew Remus was hurting, too, but it sounded more like he was speaking in tongues.
"She lived near here, Harry. She and Severus both grew up here." It was an odd conversation to have with Snape lying there on the floor, but somehow Remus knew he had to give Harry the chance to see the place. He owed the boy that much. Or, rather, little.
"She grew up with..." It wasn't making sense. And then he remembered what he'd learned about 'the half-blood prince'. His father had been a muggle. Maybe it wasn't as far fetched as it seemed. "But...then they probably..." And a fifth-year Lily Evans jumping to Snape's defense. And his harsh insult. And... "Really?"
"She was rather fond. As was he. Until…" Remus trailed off.
Harry nodded slowly. "My dad," he supplied, remembering how Remus and Sirius had told him how James had come to wear Lily down. "So...they were friends, then."
"Very close. When she and James…well, I am not sure he ever got over it." Remus felt cowardly. He could utter 'Voldemort' but not 'Severus?'
At that point, Harry wasn't sure if the news made him feel better or worse. He'd always known Snape despised the fact that he so closely resembled his father. But did the fact that he was also his mother's son make any difference? "Do you think..." He was about to sound foolish, he was sure. "Do you think that's why he did...you know. All that he did? For her?"
Remus Lupin wasn't prepared to delve into any man's psyche let alone that of Severus Snape. He shrugged. "I think perhaps he felt some guilt and also…" He offered Harry a small smile. "I hardly doubt he never came to appreciate you at all, my boy."
Harry gave a slightly bitter chuckle. "Oh, I'm sure. The mouthy prat who's all but the mirror image of James Potter. Bet that made his day whenever I walked in the door."
"And also Lily's gentle and fiery little boy," Remus reminded though his eyes twinkled at Harry's words. He was the very best of both parents whether he realized it or not.
"Gentle?" Harry replied with an almost playful tilt of his eyebrows. "Never been on the receiving end of my stupefy, have you?" he teased, leading the way to the front door. As much sympathy as he held for Severus Snape by then, he couldn't stay and he knew it. He was feeling well enough to at least leave the house and Remus had been right about one thing: they had no idea where Voldemort would be next.
Remus was glad Harry finally made his way to the door. Each moment in that house was dangerous; he only hoped the body would remain when he returned. Because, despite what he told Harry, he had every intention of returning to the task himself. "Make sure to watch." His caution wasn't needed, but automatic.
Harry knew as well as Remus did how careful he had to be. Still, it wasn't as if Voldemort hadn't known he'd been there, so the invisibility cloak stayed tucked in his pocket, but his wand was held in front of him. At his hip, now that he knew for sure they were surrounded by mostly muggles, but he kept it in front of him just the same. He'd dare anyone in the Ministry to scold him for being cautious, all things considered.
Remus would have been the first one to tell the Ministry to shove it when it came to Harry so that wasn't even a worry. However, outside, Remus insisted on taking the lead again. "Follow me. Quietly and quickly."
All things considered, Harry fought the urge to roll his eyes. The protectiveness felt good, just then, instead of smothering like it had most of the last three years. It wasn't casual guarding over Number 4 Privet Drive. This was literally a fight for his life. He stayed close behind, his eyes darting around constantly.
After a bit, Remus halted, gripping Harry's arm. "There." He nodded to the average home surrounded by small bushes.
It was something. There was no sign of Lily Evans Potter left, after all. He knew, from his aunt and uncle's talks with each other, that both of his maternal grandparents had died shortly after his mum. But it was her home. The place where she'd been a little child. Where she'd learned she was a witch. Where she'd loved and fought with his Aunt Petunia. Harry inhaled sharply and swallowed.
Remus kept a careful eye on Harry, determined to not let him hurt. He had aimed to give him a little piece of Lily, not cause him further pain. "She let me visit one summer. It was rather brilliant."
A slow smile crossed Harry's face. "I'll bet," he said quietly, his first words in what felt like hours, even if it hadn't been that long. "She... She was pretty brilliant, wasn't she?"
"No one else quite like her." Remus actually drew some comparisons to Tonks, but to voice that would simply be awkward.
Harry sighed. There really was no reason to stay, despite the connection that ran through him. Maybe, if they made it through all of this, he'd come back someday. Talk to the house's new owners, see if he could take a look around or something. But he knew time was running short. Slytherin's locket was in his grasp, after all, and there was still that damn cup to find. And then, of course, the end of everything, one way or the other. "We need to go," he said softly, taking a last longing look at the house that his mother had grown up in. "We've...there's still a lot to do."
"Yes." Remus gripped the arm he still held even harder. "We'll apparate together?"
Only nodding, Harry allowed Remus one more chance to do the hardest part. In his current mental state, he'd likely splinch himself on the way back and save Voldemort the effort.
Remus wasted no further time in envisioning exactly where they needed to go. Another life had been lost, but Harry was still alive. There was still hope.