Rumor has it that our lovely security secretary, Bea Whatshername, hasn't been laid in weeks. Months? Years? My sources didn't give me that info. Wonder why it is. She's pretty enough, anyway. Word is that she's pining over some lost love. Pining's useless, sweetheart. Time to move on; and while you're at it? Drop the ice queen act. It's not sexy.
Free Frenchwoman
Little Miss France-y Pants, George Marchand, how do we love thee? Probably as much as half the rest of the compound. Rumor has it that she's using that dancer's flexibility to spread her love juice all around the compound. Take it while it's hot boys and girls. At this rate, it'll cool down way, way too fast. Little warning, Georgie? Little Lucas won't want the cow if you're giving the milk out for free.
Naughty Newcomer
Disturbing news about one of our newest residents, Aiden Grey. Sources say he's a little bit of a creeper. He spends a weird amount of time with that Wren guy, and according to my sources, he's got an “unnatural” interest in him, and has for a long, long time. Convicted criminals, murderers and now child-molesters. Looks like they'll let anyone in here these days.
Nichole the Night Owl
Apparently, Sing Sing's Little Miss Sweetheart, Nick Hensley, moonlights as a little thief. Why doesn't Lady Frosty Box Bea check in Nick's possessions for that space heater she's missing? The usual suspects might not be responsible for this particular grab-and-go.
Behemoth Baby
From what I hear, our fearless leader and his First Lady are—hold on to your hats—expecting a demon spawn of a baby. No, she's not just a big fat cow! There's a reason for it! I wasn't aware that demon women could have babies, but apparently I was wrong. Maybe it's a mini antichrist! The baby's only halfway cooked, so take whatever time you need to prepare.
Mechanic/Mama Mixing
This will surprise absolutely no one, but a little birdie told me that new mama Rae Alghren and creepy mechanic... Silas (who's creepy enough to go by one name) are banging. Apparently old habits die hard, huh, Rae? Aren't you supposed to wait six weeks? And is a creepy gang member really the type of guy you want in your stripper spawn's life? Not that we expect this one to last too long, either. Now that night away makes more sense, hm?
Medical Malpractice
Apparently professional courtesy doesn't matter anymore. Patients have been reported seeing our own little Dr. McDreamy, Zach Johnson, showing up for duty more hung over than Lindsay Lohan was on an average Sunday. Can we really trust a medic who's so willing to throw our safety to the wind?