Jon's silence transcended now, from something familiar to something that threatened to engulf her -- just like the absurd guilt, all that odd swirling in the pit of her belly. I'm going to throw up. Her lip quivered. What am I doing?
For anyone else, the sensation of wrongness would lead to second thoughts -- to sitting down, trying to undo a series of awful moments, swallow a glassful of awful words. But Lulu could only be Lulu. She counted to three quietly in her mind, feeling as though she might burst out of her own skin. Then she shook her head firmly at Jon and that horrible sad look in his eyes.
"No." No to everything. She wouldn't take any of it back.
Lulu turned sharply and began to walk. One foot in front of the other. This isn't so bad, she thought, though her hand instinctively reached for her heart. Don't sob. Don't cry like an idiot.