charlie west, also known as 'cactus the angry elf' (littledeadly) wrote in immune_ic,
This had been a mistake. It felt like every word he said hurt her physically, and she had to fight back tears. Part of Charlie wanted to wrap her arms around him, to tell him he wasn't a bad person, that even trying made him better than what she knew of his father. Despite everything, despite the stupid things he'd said and done, she believed that. He might be an ass and an idiot, but he wasn't a monster.
And then there was part of her that wanted to scream at him, to tear into him about if he'd felt like that, he shouldn't have fucking lied to her, shouldn't have made her beg him to tell her the truth. It brought back all the feelings of wanting to hate him, wanting to be let go. It wasn't fair-- why wasn't she allowed to move on? Why couldn't she just heal from this, shut him out of her memory, go back to the way she was? If he knew what he'd done wrong, why couldn't he just let her go? But that was what had gotten her to open up to him in the first place-- he was a stubborn bastard, and he'd refused to let her go even when she'd said horrible, awful things, even when she'd pushed her hardest, until she finally didn't want him to go anymore.
"You're not a bad person," Charlie started, taking a shaky drag of her cigarette and fighting back the tell-tale stinging in her eyes. She still had too much pride to cry, even after all this. "I fucking mean that. It'd be so much fucking easier if you were, but you're not. You got it in your head that you're some kind of fucking monster, but I know for a fact that if I or anyone else you care about needed you, you'd be there in a heartbeat, even if it meant laying your life on the line. Bad people? They only fucking care about themselves. They'd never fucking feel remorse for lying and hurting someone. So cut the bad person bullshit, all right? 'cause if I don't believe it, it's probably complete fucking bullshit."
"That doesn't mean you're not a fucking idiot, and an ass, and that you didn't fuck up big time. You did, and I'm gonna be fucking pissed for a good long while," she continued, pushing herself away from the wall. "If I thought it'd do any good, I'd tell you to fuck off and leave me alone, because seeing you hurts so fucking much, but you won't. So I'm gonna go, 'cause I can't do any more of this shit tonight, okay? Just..." Charlie sighed after a few moments pause. "Just stay outta fucking trouble, okay? Don't make me fucking regret this. Now. I need some fucking space of my own, so please, for the love of Christ, don't follow me. I'll only ask you once. Just... You're not the only one with shit to straighten out." And with that, she turned, walking briskly out the door. Time to head home and drink alone until she passed out. Again.