It was a lot to take in, but from start to finish, Rodeo listened. His expression remained calm, earnest, attentive-- the rage never came to him. He was too far past it with O'Brien. He had come to have a sort of respect for the other man, a respect that surprised him. It had sneaked up on him, late one night as he wrote his worries out in the pages of his Moleskine. He understood, with all the power of hindsight, that there was only one person to blame for his losing Charlie-- and it wasn't the man who had told her the truth about her boyfriend lying to her. If Rodeo truly cared for Charlie, then he had to realize that O'Brien had wanted what was best for her. And after everything he had done, Rodeo knew he wasn't that.
When O'Brien seemed to wind down and finish, Rodeo nodded for a moment, letting it all sink into him. He didn't want to lose any of it, all too aware that the things O'Brien said were valid and important. After several beats, Rodeo started to speak.
"What I did in that apartment in Brooklyn to those two men, it's what I thought I had to do. I knew what would happen if I just called it in, told someone what that man had done to my best brother. He'd get arrested, do a little time, would hardly be a bump in the road for him in the long run. But I saw him take out a knife and stab my best fucking friend with it. I looked that coward in the eyes as he did it, and I never wanted nothing more than to see him dead. I know that ain't something you can understand. But I didn't want him to just go on with his life, while my brother either died or had damage that couldn't never be healed up right, that would follow him forever. I came from a world that had its own laws, and that fella in that bar broke one. I know they say there ain't no honor amongst outlaws, but there is. We got out rules, and pullin' out a knife 'cause you lost a bar fight makes you a goddamn coward and a worthless cheat. I grew up with men who would have expected me to kill him, right then and there. I know it's all a fella's own choice, but that was the way I always saw things, you know? The lawmen ain't on our side. We mete out our own punishments for our own folks.
"I didn't know the guy's friend was a cop. But I knew he hadn't been involved. I can tell ya, Chief, I stood there and I near turned around a hundred times. I knew I should just go. I knew it wasn't right, what I was doin'. I always know. Always got that voice in my head. But at that point, I'd never listened to it, not once in my life. So I pulled that trigger. I killed 'em both. I ended two lives, and I know that blood's on me 'till the day I die and go to hell. But I figured I had to do it. Sacrifice my soul to avenge my brother. That was all I knew. This ain't no excuse. But I want you to understand, I knew even as I was doin' it that it wasn't right. Just that I had to do it.
"And that's the kind of man I always been. I protected my baby sister, my mama, my friends. I was their guard dog, their leader, the man in charge. That was all I wanted. Just wanted to protect and provide for them, no matter what that took. Dropped outta school, got myself locked up, put my life on the line every damn day because I just reckoned I had to. Only after I got myself in jail for life that I started to wonder any different. Started to wonder why I didn't never listen to that part of me tellin' me to do the right thing. Most always, I know what I oughta do. I just never fuckin' listen.