If David was honest with himself, he didn't want to hallucinate forever, either. Tormented by intangible memories and being deluded into thinking they were true was probably not a good idea. But the he still missed Elliot. That was unchanged. Elliot reminded him that he couldn't come back and David's stomach lurched. The truth was harsh. And brutal. He hadn't expected brutal honesty like that from Elliot, and he was torn between gratitude and anger at his brother for giving it. "I know," his tone probably reflected his conflicting emotions. "Believe me, I know."
So you were just gonna give up on me. Those words rocked David to his very core, and the self-blame came back to the foreground as he lowered his head again, blinking back tears. "I wasn't... I didn't want..." he swallowed thickly and breathed in deep. "I thought I was crazy. I thought..." he paused when Elliot apologized and he shook his head. "No. No, you're right. I shouldn't have given up, I'm just..." he paused again, struggling to find the words to describe how he was feeling. There weren't any. When your best friend in the world was gone and wouldn't come back; when your only family was gone? How were you supposed to feel? "I'm not sure how to excuse it. I'm sorry," he said sincerely.
"But I had my gun pointed at the guy," David insisted. "That pot? The one that started the whole melee? I threw that. I could've not done that. This is my fault. My stupid mistakes..." he insisted, probably a little louder than he wanted to. But he was furious with himself. "No. Not better that it was you. I would have gladly taken your place if I'd..." If he'd what? Been less chicken? Either of those would have fit, but neither came to mind.
Shame faded to desperate loss when Elliot reminded him that he was gone except for memories. It was probably supposed to be comforting, one of those things that always made people feel better in movies. But David did not feel better. Not even slightly. "Yeah, thanks," he mumbled. The joke was not funny.
It wasn't fair. People like those murderers, coming in and taking everything, then going back to what they'd considered life while David's and Rae's and everyone else's lives were a little smaller. Elliot joked about haunting him and David looked up, shaking his head no. "You d-deserve better than that," he said between sniffles, as he tried to get his crying under control. "You deserve to move on." He stood up straight. That and I don't know if I can... take it... he added inwardly.