Brennan Liam Patterson (scratchthesky) wrote in immune_ic, @ 2011-12-30 18:39:00 |
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Entry tags: | # 2011 [12] december |
WHO: Kate and Brennan
WHAT: Brennan has something he needs to say
WHEN: 30 Dec. 2018, 20:00
WHERE: NY Public Library, Periodicals Room
RATING: Low
STATUS: In progress.
While he was pacing, Brennan realized that it was almost New Years. If he had a truly romantic bone in his body, he might have waited until tomorrow, just for that cinematic moment, but Brennan wasn't a romantic and this wasn't a film.
He had spent hours thinking about what to say and how to say it that he was physically sick, 'would have vomited if he hadn't refused to eat' sick. Whatever this had become, though it wasn't his first relationship, it was the first to ever become more than just something passing. Even before the Outbreak, Brennan's relationships had been superficial, and it was safe to say he had never had any real feelings for any of the women, though he could count them all on one hand. He had never been good with meeting people, or expressing himself, and he had never met a woman he could say he cared for any of them. So, needless to say, Brennan was at a loss for words when the real thing walked in.
Brennan had never been prepared to fall in love with anyone, never even thought, in passing or otherwise, about getting married. The idea of living with someone for the rest of his life, having someone who knew everything there was to him and love him for it anyways was as unappealing as it was terrifying. He kept to himself, and even with his best friend he kept secrets and some things about himself private; Brennan had never been comfortable with sharing all of himself with anyone, even his own parents. Once he and Iris started fighting, he withdrew from both of them; neither of them knew where he had applied for school and he left without telling them. He didn't ever share with Jake how isolated his childhood had made him feel, how it had dogged him all his life, that he regretted never trying to reconcile with his parents.
And now, Brennan was thinking that eventually, all of this all the things he's never told anyone, all of the parts of himself that he's kept hidden, he wanted to share with Kate because he felt like he could trust her with all the broken pieces and know that if she couldn't fit them back together, she could find some way to make them work. She was already changing him and though he didn't know how to work out what was happening, he had a feeling that he wouldn't mind walking through that Hell if she was there with him.
But how soon is too soon? Was there a rule for how long you had to know someone before you felt that kind of connection? And, while Brennan had always thought he could handle rejection, he didn't know how he could handle messing this all up because his lack of understanding of his own emotions caused him to drive a wedge between the two of them that he could never overcome.
The jumble of thoughts and emotions were making it impossible to analyze the situation, though he wouldn't have a clue on how to analyze it if he could.
He had been able to compartmentalize this whole thing while he was up on the second floor, allowing himself to focus on what he needed to focus on; he had come to realize that to protect all these people, he had to let his emotions and needs die, but he was slowly beginning to realize that Kate was worth losing his efficiency. They could send the fires of Hell down on him for choosing her over her duty, but both she and Jake were right; he couldn't live that way. Up until now, he had only been surviving and he was paying the price for it.
His patrol had ended at seven-fifty, and he had wasted most of those ten minutes pacing. He tried to test lines out, but the sound of his own voice was bizarre and foreign and he couldn't find a line that wasn't pathetic. Every footstep that passed the door to the room stalled his step and his heart, but none of them had stopped.
How much should he say to her? Should he tell her everything he had rushing through his head or just simply tell her that he appreciates what she's been doing? Both options didn't seem right and Brennan had honestly thought he had lucked out with not ever having a high-school sweetheart or a woman to whom he wanted to be with. Was this how it was supposed to feel? Were his hands supposed to be shaking?
The hands on his watch read eight o'clock and Brennan turned to face the door, hoping that he was ready to see her.