Honestly, the only answer Rae was looking for was, well... honesty. She nodded her understanding, a little bit bothered by the answer. Not because it scared her, but because thinking of him suffering as he was bothered her deeply. She took his hand when he mentioned the shakes and nodded her head. "When you come out on the other side, it'll be better." She smiled softly. "And I'll be here waiting, too." Her smile was soft and genuine, in an attempt at comfort.
"No?" she asked him. "This place," she glanced at the roof around them, "It reminds me of you." She paused, then added, "that's why I came here today, actually." She wondered if he'd get what she meant. She felt close to him up here.
Her expression was quiet as she listened to him. "Maybe we shouldn't play the blame game and just enjoy the time we can spend together." After a week apart, she needed to focus less on why it was her fault and more on the fact that he was there. That she could hold his hand or lean against him or tell him how much she loved him right now. "Besides, I don't think either one of us really wants to blame the other. Right?"
She was doing it again. Being selfish. She nodded her head and sighed a little bit. "I know. I do know." She glanced at the floor. How did she explain to him that she was afraid of being away from him for too long? "You need space to get your head on straight. I understand and I'm sorry for making it seem like I don't." It was just hard. She was scared that if they were apart for too long, something would go wrong. She'd lose him somehow. Losing him, she feared that more than almost anything else. He had a good point, and she nodded her head, her eyes on the ground. "Okay. I understand." She swallowed thickly. She'd have to suck it up. It was what he needed. He deserved whatever he needed. "I'll wait as long as I have to wait, Topher. You're worth it, and I love you." She gave him a weak smile. "And when you're out of there, when you come back to me... I'm going to glue myself to you for a long time," she half-joked.
It made her angry at herself that, in so many ways, she could be selfless and put everyone else first. But this... when it mattered most... she could only think about herself. She sounded like one of the people she couldn't stand, and she needed to re-evaluate.
Her eyes were on the ground. "I don't know," she spoke in a tone just above a whisper. "Okay. Okay, I get it." Her tone was a little more audible, but still quiet. "I'm sorry. I don't mean to push." It was just another way she was useless to him. She was too weak. Maybe if she was stronger, she could deal with it. But she couldn't.
God, this was such a mess. Rae felt like an idiot. She was making him feel like a bad guy when he already felt guilty enough. "I meant need," she muttered. "I didn't mean..." she pressed her lips together. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," she apologized genuinely, her eyes meeting his as she swallowed the lump in her throat. No. She couldn't cry in front of him right now. "You're not the bad guy. I am, in this case. I'm just..." She trailed off. No more excuses. Maybe she was tired and depressed, but what he was going through now... it was so much worse.
Her smile curled up a little around the edges and she leaned over to him, pressing her lips to his cheek. "Looks like we're stuck together then, huh?"
Rae nodded her head and laughed a little bit. "I lived in a sort of shady part of town," she admitted. "But I loved the building I was in and it was close to work," she added. "Where in Brooklyn?" she asked him. "I spent a lot of time in Brooklyn with a couple of coworkers, so maybe I wandered past there." When he apologized, she leaned into him a little more and hugged his bicep. "Don't apologize," she told him genuinely. "You being here is enough. Perfect." She chuckled and smoothed her thumb over his cheek. "You don't have to do that if you really don't want to. You know that, right?"