A disbelieving laugh escaped Silas’ mouth before he could swallow it down. “Still look like death,” he commented. “Lost weight.” But she could probably see that. It wasn’t a lot, but it had hollowed out his cheeks a little. He just hadn’t been hungry, and had only eaten when Regan or Brandon cajoled him into it. Probably confirmation that he’d needed someone there with him so he didn’t starve.
“And at least some of the people in yours left once in a while,” he pointed out, trying like hell to shake the awkwardness from his words and his body. This was Rae, he had to remind himself, things with Rae hadn’t been awkward until last week. “They never fucking leave. Even when I tell ‘em too.” God, he just wanted to settle back into how it was and forget all the shit from the last month and change. Especially the shit from last week. Talking to Rae used to be the easiest thing for him; almost like breathing, as cliché as it sounded.
He shook his head. “Didn’t let them stay. They showed up and wouldn’t leave,” he corrected. “Fucking bastards.” He didn’t mean it, and he hoped that the time apart hadn’t changed Rae’s ability to figure out when he was serious or not. He glossed over her last statement, because he didn’t really agree with that completely, but he didn’t want to fight with her about it either. It was easier to just stay quiet for now.
How could he leave when she seemed so desperate for him to stay. He didn’t want to leave anyway, not because his only option was going back to his place with the company of either Brandon or Regan. “I’ll stay,” he said, returning the smile, ignoring the twist in his gut. I never want to be alone when I can be with you. He’d been a party to Rae being alone, because he couldn’t handle having her there. A stronger man could have.
She had told him he was being brave, but none of it felt like bravery to him. It just felt like déjà vu, except this time he didn’t have a rehab facility to run to. And he had people that gave a damn how he was doing. He still had a shrink though, which was actually pretty all right. He should probably thank Rae for bringing it up. But maybe not right now.
He’d missed her laugh. A lot. Even if it wasn’t quite the same, it was still more than he’d heard in a long time. An apology died on his tongue at the way she admitted to missing being around him. He’d already known that, and hadn’t changed his mind because of it. He squeezed her a little tighter when she returned the hug, and bit his tongue again when words threatened to bubble out of his mouth. Words telling her that she should be angry with him for his actions, that he had every reason to be sorry. But it felt too good having her in his arms to break that by saying shit like that. They could agree to disagree.
He didn’t feel like there was anything for anyone to be proud over. A smart man wouldn’t have had to go through any form of rehab for a third time. A stronger man.
“I know,” he managed in response. A safe response in his head.
He would have brightened right along with her if he could have seen her face, but instead he settled for subdued, but happy expression. “Of course I remembered,” he retorted. “I’m not gonna go down in the books as the shittiest boyfriend around.” Even if he was pretty damn close to that in his opinion right now. “I would of had shit planned too, if this hadn’t happened.” It didn’t make up for not planning something, telling her that he would have, but it made him feel better saying it. You know, letting her know that he would have thought of her.
“Was going to message earlier,” he admitted. “But I didn’t want to salt a wound, or whatever.” He brushed his fingers through her hair absently. “I’d say I’m sorry again, but you don’t want to hear that, do you?” Rhetorical, but it was his way of trying to get back to the easiness they’d had with each other. At least the world was starting to feel a little bit right again, with Rae here. Even if it still had a long ways to go.