|Rae Alghren (prettydeadly) wrote in immune_ic,|
@ 2013-03-26 01:39:00
|After a year in the compound, the roof was still the best place to sit and clear her mind. When she was up on top of her building, she could usually look out over everything happening and realize that maybe her problems weren't the worst in the world right now. Today, though... today, it wasn't working. It had been over a week since she'd seen her boyfriend, and she knew that he was going through hell.|
The messages she was getting from him helped a little bit, but not as much as seeing his face would.
EJ was with Kori right now. Rae felt guilty for leaving her son with her best friend right now, but with everything going on, Rae really just needed a couple of minutes to herself. Just to clear her head. Maybe then she wouldn't be such a sad sack. Maybe then everyone wouldn't know just by looking at her that something was wrong. She hated having everyone look at her and feel sorry for her, especially when she wasn't the one who deserved the sympathy and understanding. Topher needed it. Topher deserved it.
And right now, all she wanted was to be there with him.
But I can't. Because I'm useless to him right now, she couldn't help but remember.
Her rationality wasn't exactly where it should have been, either, because she had several dozen irrational worries whirling around in her head right now. Maybe if she wasn't so tired, wasn't so exhausted, her brain would be able to filter everything, decide what was ridiculous and what wasn't. But she couldn't help but wonder, what if he came out of this and didn't want her anymore? What if the episode she'd had when she had to walk away from him made her look selfish? Hell, she was even being selfish right now. Maybe breaking up with her was what he needed. Maybe it was best for him. If that was the case, she'd have to deal with it. No matter how much it hurt.
God, even now she was being selfish. He was going through hell and all she could think of was how this was affecting her. At least he wasn't alone. At least he had Brandon and Regan there with him.
She smoothed a hand through her hair and looked down at the ground in the distance. Two months ago, she thought she'd be feeling differently today. She thought she'd be spending the day with Silas, EJ, April and Lucas, and the rest of the people she loved. She thought she'd feel happy. But here she was, on her twenty-fifth birthday, just wanting to be by herself. Christ. She'd become dependent on Topher already.
Breathing in a deep sigh and allowing the fresh air to wake her up a little bit, she blinked back tears and looked at the picnic table. To keep her mind occupied, she idly picked at a piece of pine pitch that had been there since they'd brought it up here last year. Stupid. Selfish. You should just suck it up and go be with the people you can be with. He'd be here if he could, but he can't.