Rae felt frustration bubbling up when he insisted that they needed her. April was with Dillon and Lucas was probably off with George somewhere. They didn't need her right now. "No, I may not have sat through withdrawals, but that doesn't mean that I expect you to look perfect and pristine through it. I'm not an idiot!" she insisted. "Are you fucking kidding me?" she asked him incredulously. The cursing was a definite sign that she was losing control of her temper. "That's exactly what loving someone means. It means that you're there for them, with them, whenever they need you. Whenever they need your help. That's what love means, whether it's family love or being in love!"
Why was it that everyone thought that she was so far above flaws and mistakes? "How do you know?" she asked him. "I'm not perfect, Topher. I make mistakes just like everyone else." She trailed off when he said what he said next, and any and all bite drained from her voice when she said, "that's not true." She shook her head and looked at him lovingly. "That's... that's not true at all. You're so much more than this, Topher. You're so much better than all of this." The thought that he felt like he wasn't worth it pulled at a painful string in her chest, and she pressed her lips together to keep herself from saying more.
"Don't do that, please don't," she shook her head no. "I'm not perfect either, Topher. Not even close, okay? And you are worth the love. You're loving, gentle, kind, you're good. You're wonderful. Don't..." she shook her head no. "Don't make me seem like I'm better than I am, and don't make me seem like you're worse than you are. Please." Further proof that she shouldn't be here. In situations like this, all the reassurances would fall on deaf ears.
Quietly, she looked down, and said in a soft tone, "Maybe I can't take them away, but I can hold you. I can... I can talk to you and take your mind off of them. And I can..." she trailed off and looked down. Love wouldn't get him through this. He'd already stated that clearly. He didn't need her. He didn't want her here. You're useless to him, her brain taunted. "I'm sorry. I'll... I'll stop. I should just let you have what you want. I shouldn't..." She shouldn't talk about this stuff. "You told me what you need. What you want me to do. I should just respect that." Selfish. She couldn't deal with the thought of him being alone, so she wanted to be here, even if he didn't want her here.
And now she wasn't sure what was worse. Not being needed, or being needed and not being able to stay. She listened to his words quietly and watched his momentary motion to reach for her, and when he stopped himself, she felt an ache in her heart. She'd always been happy when she was with him, but right now, all she felt was ache. Pain. He grabbed her arm and she breathed in sharply when he pulled her into him, looking up at him desperately. He kissed her quickly and she put her hand on his cheek, smoothing her thumb softly along his skin, before leaning in to kiss him again, just a brief kiss. "Don't apologize," she told him, shaking her head no as she put the bottle of pills in her coat pocket. "Just do what you need to do, okay? And I'll be waiting for you when you want to see me again. And I'll miss you every day."
When he let her go, she looked down at the floor. "Don't apologize to me, please. Just..." she looked up at him for a moment, before slowly walking toward EJ's stroller. "Just do what you need to do, okay? And come back to me. Back to us."
She released the brake on the stroller and headed for the door before she lost her nerve. "I love you. Don't forget that. And I'll miss you..." she said, before walking out the door and closing it behind her.