1/2 x_x
A little part of her was afraid now, though, that she'd had something to do with him relapsing. He'd told her that he wasn't tired of her, but what if it was something else? Something had to trigger him, right? She looked away from him now, with a quiet and sad nod of acknowledgment. "Okay," she said softly, still not looking up at him. She brushed some hair behind her ear and blinked back the emotion threatening to well over into tears. Not now. He didn't need this.
Though she tried to fight it with every fiber of her being, tears sprang to her eyes at the way his voice boomed throughout the room. It was worse because she didn't even mean them. She wasn't afraid of him, even now. Just the startling sound of his voice, usually so soft and kind, tearing through the room like a thunder clap, startled the tears right up to her tear ducts. And now, it was too late to push them back. Or maybe she was just too tired.
Admittedly, she was placing herself between Topher and EJ not just to be closer to him, but to shield her son from some of the anger. No, she didn't think that Topher would hurt him, but she did know that EJ was already startled. Rae didn't want to leave, but she did need to shield EJ from some of that. "How do you know that?" she responded, her voice still gentle and loving when she spoke. "How do you know if you don't let me?" She knew that it wasn't some miracle fix, something that she could just wish away or just will away with her love. But she could help him, even just by being there for him. Just by holding his hand and reminding him that he wasn't in this alone. "I know that I can't do that, I'm not stupid!" she said, raising her voice a little bit in response to his anger. "But that doesn't mean that I can't help you! At least let me try—" she cut herself off and blinked when he backed away from her.
That hurt, possibly worse than any of the rest of this. She looked at the floor, then closed her eyes and tried to will some of the tears away. But when he said that it was his problem alone, she looked up at him, her calm momentarily lost. "No," she said, and the shakiness in her voice was definitely obvious this time. She wasn't yelling, but there was a sharp, low, anger in her tone this time, and tears shone in her eyes. "Because when we started this relationship, my problems became yours and yours became mine. I love you. I'll do whatever I have to to help you. Whatever I can!" she spoke sharply, lowly. "Because I know it isn't a miracle fix, okay? I know that it can't magically be blinked away and I know that it's not... that it's not a little problem. But that doesn't mean that I can't do anything!"
She stepped forward again, inwardly pleading with him not to back away this time, because she didn't think her heart could take it. "S-stop that," she whispered, her will to hold back her tears crumbling down. "Don't say that. You're not a fuck up. This isn't..." she shook her head, "this isn't your fault. I thought... I thought the doctors weren't giving you the morphine?" she asked. She remembered Zach saying something like that when they were in the infirmary. So who would have given him that much morphine? She probably would have pieced two and two together, had she not been so emotional and tired.