If there was a better time for the Earth to swallow someone up, Silas didn’t know it, because it felt like that was going to be the only way he’d get out of this conversation with Rae with even a shred of his dignity left. She was acting uncomfortable, which was a big fucking warning sign that things were going to go downhill.
He’d never been good at BSing people, not really. Eventually he got himself caught, and it looked like the day had come for all the shit he’d been keeping from Rae. Fantastic.
“Uh, no,” he replied with a shake of his head. “Guess not.” Fuck. He couldn’t have found a shittier way to get himself caught in a fucking lie. And all he wanted to do, now more than ever, was step out of the room or rewind to ten minutes ago, before Rae showed up with EJ. Hell, what he’d really like is to rewind to before he got shot and find a different way to keep Stone from being shot; save himself the recovery and the temptation.
But he couldn’t do either of those things, so he was stuck here navigating the most awkward conversation he’d had with Rae yet. Waiting for the minute all her endless understanding finally reached an end and washed her hands of him and his fuck ups.
“It wasn’t that,” he was quick to reply. His gut twisted at the idea that she’d even think he wanted to get away from her. She was one of the fucking bright spots in his life lately, and he was just fucking it up. “It wasn’t you.” Crowding was a good word for some of it, but very little of that had to do with just Rae. It was the situation in general. Being stuck in an apartment with more people than he’d lived with in years. “I’m not tired of you, I swear.” God, she was going to leave and he was going to lose her.
He hated that she’d even say that. That she’d even think that. His bad decisions were already fucking with his relationship, and he was sabotaging it further by keeping his mouth shut. And she knew. She had to know. And that’s what made it worse, that he couldn’t open his mouth and tell her something she already knew.
“Nah, you didn’t expect anyone to be in here,” he said, trying to keep the awkward tone out of his voice, trying to stay focused too, since that wasn’t really easy right now either.
No, he wanted to say. He wasn’t okay. He was the furthest thing away from okay. And the way she’d asked; the way it was phrased made something inside of him snap and before he knew it he was saying the shit he didn’t want to say to her.
“What do you want me to tell you? That I’m not okay? That I haven’t been fucking okay for fucking weeks?” he snapped, not necessarily at her. “That I made fucking bad decisions in this whole god-damned recovery? That I’m a fucking addict, and guess what, that never changes?” He squared his shoulders without thought, preparing himself for how she’d respond.
“Is that what you fucking want Rae?” She didn’t deserve to be snapped at, a part of him knew that. But he’d had enough of everything. Of keeping things from her, even if it was ugly shit he didn’t want her to know. “’Cause it’s what you’re gonna get.”