This was simultaneously the best and worst thing that could've happened. He'd kissed her this time. Maybe it was because she'd kissed him before, and he wanted to do it again, or maybe it was something else entirely, but whatever it was, it kept bringing them to this spot and it was confusing, but also nice. Awful, but also lovely.
Awful... only because they kept stopping.
When he told her not to apologize, she shook her head, wondering how he didn't blame her for this. It had to be some signal that she was giving off. It had to be obvious, that she couldn't stop thinking about when they'd kissed before. “But, it must've been something. I must be... like...” she trailed off, unsure how to say what she wanted to say without sounding crazy. “I have to apologize. I keep... I keep messing things up. And you said that you didn't want... that this was a bad idea. But here I am giving you all these signals and...” she stopped, not knowing how to finish what she'd started to say.
His next words made her freeze, but not look up. With everything, she was still getting signals that she wasn't seeing things. That she wasn't crazy. That... that she wasn't wrong. “Wasn't such a hardship on my end either,” she responded, also without thinking.
Once again, he repeated that he liked her company and she felt her eyes closing tighter. Things like that... they made this wh0le situation more confusing. He said it was a bad idea, but half the time it seemed like it was what he wanted. And she knew it was what she wanted... so, why fight it? Why did they keep telling themselves no? “I like your company, too. More than anyone else here.” It was why she always messaged him first. Why she always sought him out.
“It wasn't all you,” she insisted, chewing on her lip. “Believe me on that.”
Going their separate ways wasn't an option for Rae, either. She hated depending on people, but she'd come to depend on him. As a friend. As someone to keep her sane. If she had to walk away, if he asked her to, she'd grudgingly do it. But if he didn't, then... well, she was there and there was nothing he could do to get rid of her.
Stupidity. She winced. It didn't feel stupid, and she almost said that, but thought better of it. “S-stupidity,” she stuttered under her breath. “Right. Just... just stupidity.” If he'd learned anything about her at all, he'd know that the tone in her voice meant that she wasn't okay with that, with thinking that, but she didn't say anything else. Maybe I don't want to move on...
He touched her again and she looked up, just a little, half-hoping that maybe he'd come out of it and decided to kiss her again. But he didn't, and he was trying to get her to look at him. She owed him that much, she supposed. She tilted her head to look up at him, eyes still red and puffy from when she'd been crying before, but now with the added sadness of potentially screwing things up between them.
“Well...” she said, softly; were they not alone in the hallway, it would've been inaudible, “if I'm not allowed to blame myself, you're not allowed to blame yourself either.” It was spoken kindly, but her sadness was still clear as day in her tone.