There was a definite stutter stop in Silas’ brain when Rae moved away. Not that he was doing much active thinking at that moment, but it still left him treading water mentally; trying to catch up to what had happened. It was written all over his face too, and Rae would have seen that had she not been gazing at the floor. He also had to fight a baser, more primal urge to just draw her back in and ignore what she was saying.
Except now that he was paying attention, what she was saying was all that he could focus on. She was apologizing. Again. Why the hell was she apologizing again? Godamnit. He should’ve known better than to give in to an impulse.
“Don’t apologize,” he said, having gathered his thoughts finally. “It wasn’t you. Not this time.” How the hell was he going to explain himself without putting everything out there? He wasn’t ready for that, and wasn’t going to put Rae in the position to reject him. That’s how it would go, even if she was taking all the blame. How could she do anything but let him down gently? It wasn’t like she felt anything for him. A couple of kisses didn’t count towards proving that thought wrong.
He sighed and muttered under his breath, “’Cause kissing a pretty woman is such a fucking hardship.” He hadn’t meant to let it slip out, and now that he said it he hoped like hell it wouldn’t make things worse.
“I stick around because I like your company. Can’t say that for everyone else around here,” he said more loudly, wishing that he could somehow get her to look at him. “And you don’t get to take responsibility for this one. Like I said, that was all me.” I’m the one fucking this up further.
Maybe things would be easier if they went their separate ways. It would be easier on his heart, for sure. But the thought of cutting of their friendship made something twist painfully in his chest, so even if they kept walking into actions like this, he couldn’t bring himself to leave. He wouldn’t stop her if she walked away, though. A forced friendship really wasn’t much of a friendship at all. And Rae had enough shit on her plate; she didn’t need to be dealing with him and all the complicated things that seemed to surround them.
He wished he knew what it was exactly. Actually, that was a lie. He knew what it was. It was him and the things that he tried to keep a tight handle on, and just couldn’t.
“Lets just,” Just what? “Call it stupidity and move on.” Fuck. Make it worse, why don’t you, he thought, sighing again. The kiss was just going to be one more thing that his brain shouldn’t be fixating on; added on to the last kiss they’d shared. He was so screwed.
He caught one of her elbows in his hand, because he wanted the contact. “Rae, please, don’t blame yourself,” he murmured, tilting his head like it would help to see her eyes.