“It's okay,” Rae chuckled a little bit. “Even if it is horrible, I love him more than almost anyone else in the world, and I wouldn't have him any other way.” As exhausting as he was, she wouldn't change a thing about him. “He loves April and EJ and me, and he really does mean well, most of the time.” Even if when he didn't, it was twice as bad as when it was. “Having April around is already helping,” she admitted with a slight grin. “If only because now I have someone to conspire with...” she felt her grin growing a little bit, but just as quickly as it appeared, it faded. “They say that twins are two halves of a whole, and I really think that they balance each other out perfectly.”
He was always making her smile in spite of herself. She looked sideways at him, and nodded her head in amusement. “Totally like in the Jetsons. And now I seriously want to watch that. I have a huge box of DVD's in storage for when EJ gets old enough to enjoy them... I'm 99.9% sure there's a Jetsons DVD in there. We should watch it sometime.” Her smile went a little sheepish, her cheeks a little pink, when he told her, in not so many words, that he wouldn't mind being around her like this.
Shaking her head, she sighed. “It's okay,” she told him. “I should... I should probably get myself used to the fact that he's not coming back.” She swallowed the lump in her throat. “And maybe... maybe it's better. If someone took him, they're probably...” she winced. “If someone took him, it's probably better. That he's...” she couldn't finish that.
It was true. She hadn't lost everyone. But thinking about the people she had lost... “I know I haven't. But it feels like it sometimes.” She loved the people she cared about so much. Each time she lost one, it was like an arrow to the heart. “Sometimes it makes me wish I could give up. But I can't.” She'd promised Elliot. And now she had EJ, and he made all the hurt worthwhile.
For all her talk, Topher was right. She could never be alone. Never isolate herself. “No,” she said softly. “I know. I can't do the whole 'alone' thing. It's just...” she looked down at her hand where it rested in his. “Sometimes I wish I could stop caring,” she told him. “Sometimes I wish that I could turn it all off. Be more like Leah.” Cold to everyone who wasn't her family. Uncaring of what anyone else thought about her. “Or Bea.” Strongheaded and stronghearted. Seemingly fearless. “Or anyone else. Anyone who's not... not so easily affected by everything.” She shook her head. “I'm not making sense at all.” She sighed in frustration.
He held her and she leaned into him further, hugging him tightly. It was hard, keeping things level all the time when she was always so close to her breaking point nowadays. And around Topher, she felt safe. Both comfortable and unsure at the same time. With his arms around her, she wasn't sure what she felt. Like she was safe, maybe, for the first time in months. Like he wouldn't let anything hurt her. Like he wasn't judging her. Every other time something like this happened and she felt like breaking down, she felt like people were judging her. And he wasn't. She knew it.
His voice brought her out of her tearful stupor, and she closed her eyes tight, trying to stave the flow of tears enough so she could respond. “I... I know.” She didn't sound certain at all, probably, but it was the most she could offer. “Thank you.” That sounded more certain.
She felt his fingers on her chin and he didn't really need to tilt her head, because she willingly followed his lead and looked up at him. Her eyes were still burning with tears, but her expression was a little calmer now. His words hit her like a freight train. She wasn't alone, because she had him. She had EJ, always. But she also had him. She was about to respond, but she didn't get the chance.
Because he kissed her.
Instinctually, she stepped into him again, fingertips coming up to touch his cheek as she let herself sink into the contact just as she had the first time, when they'd done this a couple of weeks ago. This one felt... a little more intense than the last. She pressed against him just a little and brought the other hand, not on his cheek, up to rest on his bicep.