"Wild mother," explained Ellie. "She never wanted to stay in one place for very long. It was... Part of her work. Her studies. Indigenous populations, gender relations."
Ellie's mother, however, had very much grown up -- and she'd expected as much of her daughter nearly as soon as Eloise was able to care for herself. Maybe that was why she'd had had such a hard time doing it, too; it had taken an entire apocalypse to straighten her out.
Her mind circled for a moment, thinking of this -- of where she'd come to be, and how she'd come to feel, and why -- and though she was sure she'd said Davids name, it was still a little surprising to hear him respond.
Are you okay?
What could Ellie say? Yes, I'm fine. Just thinking. That was something he would accept and expect of her, but it wasn't entirely truthful.
Instead she shook her head, reaching out her hand for his again. "I'm... I'm fine." A loose smile. "I'm... Let me try to...." Say something. Say what I'm supposed to say.
Rae's words flashed through her mind: it's worth it.
"When I was younger," Ellie began quietly, in a half-whisper. Her other hand, the one holding the flashlight, had fallen loosely at her side; they stood in a circle of brightness now, and when she looked at him it was in heavy shadow. "I used to... I'd get lost, you know. Thinking. About anything. Thinking in circles, thinking through puzzles, thinking through every small aspect of my... Of my life."
She paused, lowering her gaze. "I used to have a little fear. You know. A funny... Worry. What if someone could hear me, hear everything in my mind...? What would they think of me? Would they think I was... Insane? Brilliant? ... Silly? Ordinary?"
Ellie took a step forward, closer to him again. Her voice lowered still further, lower into her chest, as if trying to escape the urgings of her mind. Words. Tell him them.
"...Sometimes now, I have a lot of things to say. But I... I find myself thinking in circles again, about easy things. Simple feelings, simple things. Maybe I am silly." Her finger drew a circle in his palm, considering. "But I wish you could hear me, when I think of them. When I think of you. That's all."
Ellie wasn't sure if it would make any sense, but there it was. Perhaps it was a promise -- a way of saying something without saying anything at all. David might understand. He might not. Either way, even if she couldn't speak plainly -- if she couldn't be straightforward, for the first time in her life -- she could look at him with honest feeling. Even in the dark.