Theresa Maeve Rourke Cassidy (theresaxcassidy) wrote in ic_chaos, @ 2008-10-03 15:20:00 |
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Entry tags: | morrigan |
Morrigan
Who: Theresa Cassidy
NPCs: A bulletin board in the front hall.
When: October 3rd 2008
Where: New York, The Salem Academy
What: The ever growing list of things Theresa Cassidy is not allowed to do. Originally started in 2006, it has grown considerably since then, and has been added to with staples, glue, tape, and some unidentifiable substance.
Rating: PG 13
Things I am not allowed to do at the Salem Academy.
If something makes me giggle for more than five minutes, I must assume I’m not allowed to do it.
I am not allowed to show up at the front gate at dawn, wearing clothes that aren’t my own and messily drunk.
I am not allowed to plant a flag in another student’s ass and claim it as my own.
I am not allowed to declare my rack a sovereign nation.
I am not allowed to do that thing with the lollipop in public ever again.
I am not allowed to spread misinformation among the American boys about how to pick up European girls.
I am not allowed to have an allergic reaction to bullshit.
- I’m not allowed to call the teachers on it.
I will not refer to Lensherr’s telepathy as “Jedi Mind Tricks.”
I am not allowed to lock two guys in a closet to see if hot gay sex occurs.
- I am not allowed to lock anyone in a closet to see if any kind of sex occurs.
I am not allowed to have my own army.
- Even if it’s technically someone else’s.
"Y'all check this-here shit out!" is not an appropriate way to announce that I am about to do something horribly stupid.
Xavier is not my Sugar Daddy and I shouldn’t say he is.
I should not offer Xavier Rogaine.
I will not say, “In accordance with the prophecy” after every declarative statement Xavier makes.
I am not allowed to run my own business from the school.
- Especially not if it’s a pornographic studio.
I should not take incriminating pictures of my tutors, my teachers, or the other students.
Camouflage body paint is not necessary for power control class.
- Neither is the chocolate body sauce.
I will not sing the “Beverly Hillbillies” theme song in the presence of Guthries.
- Or the “Hee-Haw” song.
- Or “Eight is Enough.”
- Or “Every Sperm Is Sacred”
I will not refer to uncle Tom’s shillelagh as a “Pimp Cane.”
My name is not Susan Storm, even if I can make my clothes disappear.
“Springtime for Lensherr” is not an appropriate school play.
I will not coerce Professor Allerdyce to ice the dorm hallway floors to hold a figure skating competition.
The freezer being broken is not a good excuse to get Professor Allerdyce to make sno-cones.
- Or start snowball fights.
I am not allowed to claim Professor Allerdyce is suffering from 'blue balls'.
I will not claim that Professor Allerdyce is "as anatomically impaired as a Ken doll," nor will I demand that he prove this claim false.
Telling Bobby to use the Force is only funny the first time.
I will not refer to Bobby as "the Professor's bitch".
The proper way to report to any of the teachers is, "You wanted to see me, Professor?" Not, "I have it on good authority that you have no evidence."
I am not allowed to call Julian the gayest flamer that ever flamed.
Telling the freshmen that the hedge maze is the entrance to the Labyrinth is ill advised.
Sending love notes to Professor Xavier and signing them 'With Love, Wisdom’ is going to get my ass kicked.
I am not allowed to refer to the Academy as "Redwall Abbey."
When called upon in class, I shall not insist that the correct answer to everything is '42'.
I do not have the master plan.
I will not request "The Cha-Cha Slide" be played at Prom or Homecoming.
- Likewise for the Chicken Dance, the Limbo, and/or the Macarena.
My chemistry assignment is not a personal lubricant.
- I will not ask my instructor if it can be used as such.
I am not allowed to skinny dip.
I am not allowed to dance naked and painted blue while singing “clever schemes are here again!”
- I am not allowed to dance naked in any public forum under any circumstances.
The research and manufacture of mind-altering substances will not gain me extra credit in chemistry.
When being interrogated by a member of staff, I am not to wave my hand and announce “These are not the droids you are looking for.”
I am not a member of the Spanish Inquisition.
I will not go through the cutlery, re-labeling and bending things until I am satisfied that there are no spoons.
Neil Gaiman is not spying on us.
The "no keg party" policy is there for a reason.
An "Irish Mudslide" will not get me extra credit.
-Likewise, claiming that the distillery I was caught setting up was "a chemistry assignment" is not advised.
Durandal was a sword, not a Thompson gun.
I will not attempt to determine which of the students or professors are natural blondes.
No matter how vast the uses and entertaining the results, I will not indulge in fun with duct tape.
-This goes double for superglue.
“To strike fear and terror into the hearts of men” is not an appropriate career choice.
I am not allowed to haze the freshmen/new students as a rite of initiation.
I am not allowed to use freshmen as Christmas decorations.
I am not allowed to scare the freshmen with wild tales of an omniscient Author who controls our destinies.
I am not allowed to tell the freshmen they will be given to the humans if they report my activities to the teachers.
I am not allowed to scribble creepy messages on the walls in red paint.
When someone accuses me of not wearing any drawers, I should ignore them. Attempting to prove them wrong is indecent.
- Especially if I can't.
I am not authorized to sell nude picture of the faculty to students.
- Or post them on the bulletin boards.
- Giving the same nude pictures out free of charge is also frowned upon.
- I shouldn't use Photoshop® to create incriminating photos of my teachers.
“Napalm sticks to mutants” is not an appropriate motivational phrase.
I am not allowed to use school property or vehicles to “squish” things.
Trying to disguise vodka by putting it in a Listerine bottle with green food coloring is ill advised.
I am not allowed to use the P.A. system as a replacement for karaoke.
Claiming I was trying to get the ball will not excuse me for kicking boys in the groin during gym.
I am not allowed to confess to crimes that were committed before I was born.
- It doesn’t distract the teachers from trying to figure out what I really did do.