Fic: The Story of What Could've Been..., pt. 2 (Remus/Sirius, NC-17) for i_phiannasa Author:wook77 Recipient:i_phiannasa Title: The Story of What Could've Been, What Should've Been and What Was Rating: NC-17 Pairing: Remus/Sirius Disclaimer: All Harry Potter characters herein are the property of J.K. Rowling and Bloomsbury/Scholastic. No copyright infringement is intended. All characters engaging in sexual activity are 16 years or older. Summary: When a butterfly flaps its wings, it doesn't create the tsunami, it only changes the path. When a word is spoken or an action is taken, the path of the future changes until the could've beens and the should've beens and the was mix together. Warnings: Canon compliance. AU. Disparate timeline. Word Count: 21,100 Auhor's Notes: to i_phiannasa - your very open request gave me a wonderful opportunity to explore a story that's been haunting me for a couple of years. I thank you for the opportunity to write it and gift it to you. I've also included virgins, just for you. Many thanks to my betas, the three J's and the two T's. Obviously, all mistakes are my own.
The door's spelled shut. The bed's actually made. He's put away all his things neatly. It's time. Sirius paces back and forth and back and forth while he waits for Remus to get out of the loo. He lights the candles and then extinguishes them before lighting them once more. They're girly, they're not, they're girly, they're not. Back and forth he goes in his decision until he hears laughter.
"What's this?" Remus asks as he leans against the doorframe.
"Couldn't decide if I want candles when I seduce you." The words are out before he thinks about it.
"Oh yeah?" Remus cocks an eyebrow and saunters, bloody well saunters, over to Sirius before dragging a finger down his bare chest. "You going to seduce me?"
"What the bloody hell?" At least, that's what he means to ask. Instead, it comes out as a garbled assortment of sounds that resemble the noises of the bugbears that had chased them through the Forbidden Forest one full moon in Sixth Year.
"You all right there, Padfoot?" Moony drifts his finger back up Sirius's chest and then brushes his lips with it.
"What the bloody hell?" He thinks he made more sense this time as Moony touches him, but he isn't at all certain. His pulse roars in his ears while all of his blood flows south, straight into his cock.
"Weren't you going to seduce me?" Remus pouts his lips and looks at him coquettishly – coquettishly? Moony? What the hell is going on? Who is this and what has he done with the Moony Sirius knows and loves? – before batting his eyelashes.
"You are a git. A complete and total thieving git. This is supposed to be my seduction of you not your seduction of me." Sirius grabs Remus's hands before he can do anything else with them. He leans in and their faces are inches apart.
"Then get on with it." Remus sounds breathy. Breathy and needy, like they'd just been snogging for hours.
"Yeah?" Sirius asks and sucks Remus's upper lip between his teeth, nipping down at it. Remus moans and nods his acquiescence. "Yeah."
Sirius lets go of Remus's hands and cups his face, deepening the kiss so that their tongues brush against one another. The wet slipslide of heat goes straight to Sirius's cock, like it has every time they've kissed. He's tired of wanking after they kiss, tired of the way that he goes back to his own bed or Remus goes to his and leaves him alone with a hard cock and only his own hand to take care of it. He's tired of only owls during the recent Easter hols and the way that he was left with slipping off to the loo at Prongs's place to take care of it. He's tired of not having Remus's heat surrounding him.
He's prepared for this for over a month. He's read the magazines, memorised the hints and tips. This is going to be abso-fucking-lutely perfect. Well, it would be abso-fucking-lutely perfect if he could figure out how to undo Moony's trousers. Or at least his belt. Or, hell, if he could figure out where to put his hands because he's never had this sort of access to Moony's body before. He's only touched Moony's chest before but he wants to touch more, wants to feel the flesh and not fabric.
"Undo the sodding belt," he mutters against Moony's lips before shoving his hands down Moony's trousers in the back to cup his arse. His nails scrape Moony's flesh but he doesn't care because finally he can touch below the waist. It's like they've been monks or girls, what with the way that Remus has insisted on the above the waist groping. They're not girls and they're not monks and Sirius just wants Moony's flesh, dammit.
"Can't undo it with you in there, you know." Moony's laughing at him, he can hear it in his voice.
"Spell it off, too busy grabbing your arse," Sirius says back and he emphasises the words with a tight squeeze.
"Your wand's closer." Moony's still laughing at him, the chaste sod.
"You could relax and enjoy it a bit, wait for it just a little longer by getting your wand."
"Fuck off, Moony, I've waited months for this. Years, if we're honest."
"A few more minutes won't hurt you," Moony says before he grips Sirius's cock through his denims. Sirius's hips thrust into the grip while he moans. His knees go weak, sending him back against the bedpost as Moony kneads his erection through the fabric.
"Please, you're killing me," he pleads as he pulls Moony closer.
"Not enough, yet," Moony teases back before shifting so that they both fall on to the bed, Moony landing on top.
"You're a giant cockteasing virgin," Sirius pants as Moony kisses his chest and then nips his nipple.
"You love it." Moony licks the abused nipple and then breathes on it. The heat to the chill makes Sirius hiss in a breath and, before he realises, Moony has his trousers open and his cock out. Sirius pushes up on to his elbows and watches Moony engulf his cock, sucking in the tip and then sliding just a bit further. He falls back onto the bed, hands flailing for a place to grip or hold or anything other than to keep flailing because this is the best thing he's ever experienced in his life. Everyone should have their cock sucked on a daily basis, he thinks, as Moony slides down just a bit further than the last, every time just a bit further until Sirius can't take it anymore. That's when he realises that his hands have found somewhere to hold on as he feels Remus's hair between his fingers.
Yanking at the hair, he pulls Remus off his cock and up his body. His lips latch on to Remus's, tongue demanding entry as he kisses Moony, lips as frantic as his hands. His hands fly over Remus's body, fumbling at the bloody well still fastened belt. Bucking his hips, he shifts so that he's lying on top of Moony and then reaches for his wand and banishes the belt, trousers and pants. He crows triumphantly, "There!"
Moony's laugh echoes about the room and then abruptly stops when Sirius grips his cock, grip firm and sure as his hand pulls up, thumb rubbing over the tip. "Not laughing now, are you?"
"You are going to get my clothes back, aren't you?" Moony squirms underneath him, arching his back and fucking Sirius's hand.
"You deserve to lose them permanently. Hell, you deserve to be forced to walk about naked, far as I'm concerned." Sirius changes his grasp to a light, teasing one, barely touching as Moony keeps moving.
"You'd like that too much."
"You live to please me."
"Sure I do, Pads, sure I do," Moony says drolly. "You going to fuck me or am I going to fuck you?"
The blunt vulgarity coming out of Moony's mouth has Sirius's cock jerking between their bodies. Moony's not one to swear, not like James and Sirius, so it's even more of a turn on to hear it coming from that mouth.
"I'm going to fuck you," he says. "Been reading up on it."
Remus rolls his eyes again. "You? Read? You must really want it."
"Course I do. Who wouldn't want your arse?"
"I'm quite certain I can think of quite a few likely candidates off the top of my head," Remus maneuvers around until Sirius's cock is in his hand. He gives it a squeeze and then says, "but I'd rather fuck than talk about that."
"I like your thinking, Moony old chum. Brilliant, that. Yes, good thinking," Sirius babbles as Remus pulls upward on his cock and twists his wrist at the tip. In fact, the way that Remus is touching him sucks all of the knowledge from the books straight out of his head. Desperately wracking his brain, Sirius can't remember just what he's supposed to be doing other than fucking Remus's hand.
Oh, right. He's supposed to… he reaches over to his bedside table and fumbles about in the top drawer for the bottle of lube he's stashed. He's a bit overeager – and a bit distracted by Remus's mouth on his chest – and gives the bottle too hard of a squeeze, sending the lube all over his hand and dripping down on to Remus's chest. For his part, Remus laughs at him while he fumbles about with the bottle, tossing it towards the table but only making it bounce off the edge of the bed and on to the floor.
"Book says it's easier if you're on your knees."
"Then, by all means, just what the book says." Sirius sits back on his knees while Remus switches positions. He turns and looks at Sirius with a cheeky grin. "Better view?"
Sirius nods as he stares at Moony's arse and back. His spine juts out just a little – Moony's always too skinny, especially considering how much he eats – and Sirius traces it with a dry finger. He makes his way down Remus's back until he's just where arse meets spine. There, he switches to one of the fingers with far too much lube on it and continues to trace between Remus's cheeks. When he gets to Remus's hole, he rubs at it and smiles while Remus's head drops to the pillow, a moan coming from his lips.
"Like that, do you?" Sirius asks as he continues to rub, and then presses his finger in. "How's this?"
"Just different? Not brilliant?" He's slightly disappointed at Remus's reaction.
"Right. Well, the book says it should feel brilliant." Sirius wonders what he's forgetting from the books. While he's thinking, he pulls out his finger and then pushes it back in, repeating it again and again while Remus pants. He pulls out and slathers his finger with more lube and then slides it in again, crooking his finger. A moan answers him and his grin slips back into place. "Aha! I knew I'd remember!"
"Don't act like you've just invented the wheel, arse."
"Loveable arse," he says about himself and then smacks Remus's bum. "Fuckable arse."
"You're just an arse," Remus says back as he looks over his shoulder at Sirius. "You going to put another one in?"
Sirius slides in another finger, giving Remus time to adjust and after a while, slides in yet one more. "You ready?"
"Right, ok." Sirius reaches over for the bottle, barely balancing on one knee as he holds on to Remus with the one hand so that he can grab it from the floor. He squirts out some more, coating his cock and then carefully sets the bottle on the bed. Slow and steady, he presses into Remus's body and moans loudly as the heat envelops him. "All right?"
"Give me a minute," Remus answers as he pants through his teeth.
"Feels brilliant, this end," he says and smacks Remus's arse one more time. "How's it feel on your end?"
Remus looks over at him, cheek resting on his folded arms, "I'm fucking you next time."
"Sure," he agrees and then pulls back slowly, making Remus hiss before he thrusts back in. As he repeats the gesture, he asks, "That good?"
"Yeah?" He does it again, snapping his hips as he thrusts into Remus. "Feels bloody brilliant on this end."
"That's better, do that again." Sirius snaps his hips harder on the next thrust. "More."
Sirius is only too happy to comply as he concentrates on the feel of Moony's arse clenching and relaxing around his cock. Thrusting harder each time, he picks up speed until he can hear the rhythmic slapslap of his hips hitting Moony's arse. Resting one hand on the base of Moony's back, he reaches his other hand around and holds on to Moony's cock, jerking him off in time to the thrusts.
When Moony half-moans and half-shouts his name, Sirius loses control and comes. When he recovers from the high, he begins to jerk Moony off again while mouthing at his neck, kissing his hairline and then starting down his spine as far as he can reach while staying inside Remus. It feels like forever but it's only a minute or two and Moony comes, collapsing into the bed and making Sirius's cock slip out of his arse. Sirius follows, lying on top of him.
"Bloody brilliant," he says as he licks at Moony's neck, tasting the salt from his sweat.
"Definitely. Why'd we wait so long?" Moony asks, though it's barely audible because of his face pressing into the pillow.
"That's fuckable arse to you."
The first moon after Remus left him passes while Sirius sits on his sofa in his pants, eating crisps and drinking bottle after bottle of cheap lager. If Remus doesn't want him – and it's obvious from his continued silence that he doesn't – then Sirius sure as shite isn't going to put himself in the position of being where he isn't wanted. He'd had enough of that in his childhood, thanks.
James shows up the next morning and sits beside him. There's not a word between them as Sirius takes another sip at another bottle.
"This what you did instead of being a mate?" James finally asks.
"If I was wanted, I would've been asked." Sirius raises his bottle in a sarcastic salute before pulling at it again.
"Since when have any of us ever needed an invite to help Moony out?" James sounds outraged and Sirius's temper starts to flare.
"Since Moony walked out on me for no fucking reason at all."
"You're an arsehole, a complete and total berk!"
"Berk, am I?" Sirius sets the bottle down hard enough to chip the cheap wood of the table. "You put yourself in my shoes for just five fucking minutes, mate. Lily leaves you without a fucking word and what would you do? Just what would you fucking well do?"
"I sure as shite wouldn't sit on my arse swilling cheap beer and feeling sorry for myself."
"You would and you know it," Sirius pauses and then decides that if you can't be cruel to your best mate, who can you and so he goes for the cheap shot, "You did it when she dumped you, remember that? You remember, mister high and mighty?" Sirius shouts and then gets up, trips over one of the empty bottles strewn over the floor and heads to the kitchen for another. "And who was right there with you? Beside you the whole time with nothing but support? Who listened to you blather on about how much you missed her? Who did all that? Me, that's who! Me! Turn about not so much the fair play, huh?" Sirius falls into the refrigerator door before shifting to lean against the cooker as he opens it and grabs another bottle. "And who loved you enough to get the pair of you back together? So don't tell me I'm the berk when I was a mate to you. I wasn't the one harbouring her in my house while spouting off about your pride and how you're a prick for not swallowing it."
With that, he bypasses the main room, ignoring James on the sofa and then stumbles into his bedroom. He doesn't hear a sound from the main room but he doesn't care – too fucking right he doesn't care – if James stays or goes. Friends like these, who needs enemies? He sets the open bottle on the night table where it promptly falls over and spills beer all over the carpet. Muttering curses under his breath, he turns over and pulls Moony's pillow to his chest, breathing in the scent.
"I'm sorry I called you a berk," James says before he sits on the edge of the bed.
"It hurts," he says back and he doesn't mean the name. He's shocked at the pain in his own words.
"He loves you. You love him. It'll work out."
"If he loved me, he wouldn't have just turned his back on me."
"He looked for you last night." Sirius would've responded but the long night, the guilt and self-loathing about not going and all the alcohol catch up to him and he falls asleep.
When he wakes, there's a hangover potion on the table where the spilt beer bottle had been. The beer spill is completely gone and he doesn't question it. Instead, he drinks the potion as he walks into the living room that's just as immaculate as it had been before he'd started drinking (that is to say, the bottles and stubbed-out cigarettes are all gone but the pile of discarded books and socks still sit on the armchair).
It takes him a couple of days before he can make his way to James and Lily's. He feels completely prepared until Remus opens the door. "Hello Remus."
"Sirius." Remus doesn't pull the door any further open. "James and Lily are out."
"Came to see you, actually." Remus still blocks the door so he gestures and adds, "Can't come in if you're blocking the door."
"Oh, right." Remus steps back and Sirius barely resists the urge to breathe in his scent as he passes. Once he's inside, his resolve fails him once more.
"I'm sorry. I was a complete prat when I didn't show up for the moon. We're still mates, right?" Sirius wants to say more, demand some answers but he doesn't.
"Good. Glad that's out of the way," he says to fill the gap in the conversation.
"Yeah." The conversation stalls again before Remus says, "Tea?"
"No, I should get going. Have to get to a meeting."
"Yeah? All right."
Sirius gets up and heads to the door, awkward and unsure about the boundaries of their relationship. They haven't been 'just friends' in so long that Sirius doesn't know what to say or do. "See you then?" he asks as he steps through the door.
"Yeah, all right."
Conversation between them doesn't get much easier until after Harry's born. Even then, there are awkward pauses and bitten off words accompanied by aborted gestures. It's easy enough for Sirius to blame his uneasiness on his personal life until another Order member, Marlene MacKinnon, dies. Then those old suspicions of Moody's come back and the word 'spy' haunts him.
When he goes on a mission with the Prewett brothers, he's tense. That tension saves his life as he fires off curse after hex after spell as they're surrounded before they know what hit them. Somehow, he gets separated from the other two. When he hears a cry of pain that's abruptly silenced, he crouches behind a lichen-covered section of wall. He waits ten minutes after the Dark Mark appears and the last Apparition sounds before going in search of the Prewetts. He stumbles over a rock only to land face to face with Fabian's dead body.
"Oh god, oh god," he pants, as he stares at his friend. "Fabian?" He knows he won't get an answer but he still reaches out a hand to give the body a shake. "Fabian?"
He fumbles for his wand and, summoning any sort of happy memory at all, he casts his Patronus, sending it to James for help. As he waits, he wonders how it could've happened. No one knew, no one but them, Dumbledore, James and Peter. The Death Eaters had obviously been prepared which meant that the spy had to be someone within that small group. There's a crack of Apparition, interrupting his thoughts. He pulls further into the wall with his wand clutched in his hand.
"Sirius?" It's James, but Sirius can only get a croak to come out of his throat. "Goddammit Sirius! Fucking well answer me!"
"Here," he whispers. He isn't sure how James hears him but, soon enough, there's a hand under his arm, pulling him to his feet.
"Fuck, mate, thought that, oh god, don't you ever do this to me again. Heart can't take it. Lily's fit to be tied and – oh god." James hugs him close. After a moment, Sirius hugs him back, finally looking away from the dead bodies.
"They knew we were coming, James," Sirius whispers into James's neck.
"What? That's impossible. Only ones that knew are…" Sirius can tell when James comes to the same realisation. "No. No way. No fucking way."
"It isn't one of us," James repeats emphatically.
Before they can continue the conversations, more Apparitions come and they're surrounded by Order members. Sirius goes off with Dumbledore for questioning while the rest gather up Fabian and Gideon. Sirius confesses his slip and his suspicions. Dumbledore looks at him gravely and, with a shake of his head, sends him on his way. Tired and still in shock, he barely makes his way to his flat. After stumbling through the doors, he stops in his track at the sight of Remus on his sofa.
"What're you …" Sirius asks and then shuts his mouth.
"I've been so worried since James told me." Remus crosses the room and then embraces him. "Oh god, Sirius, I almost lost you."
Sirius pulls out of the embrace. "Told you what?"
"About your mission. I've had the worst feeling all night so I came straight here to see you. Did something happen?" Remus sounds too innocent and the seeds of suspicion planted by Moody bloom into life. The idea doesn't go away no matter how hard Sirius tries to ignore it.
"The Prewetts are dead." Sirius watches Remus's reaction, watches his gaze skitter to the side before coming back to Sirius. Oh god, he thinks.
"You're unharmed, though?"
"Yeah, no thanks to whoever told the Death Eaters where we'd be. Almost got hit a couple of times."
"Sirius – " Remus starts to say but Sirius cuts him off. He's too tired to play games and spy-finding requires a delicate touch. If he doesn't get Remus out of here shortly, he's going to demand answers as to what had happened, who had Remus told about the mission, ask him about his comments about losing his humanity and if that led him to betraying them.
"It's late and I really need to get some sleep."
"All right, yeah." Remus goes to the door and then turns back. "I'm glad that you're safe."
"Thanks," he answers. Once Remus is gone, he collapses on to the sofa, curling into himself. It can't be one of them. There's no way.
In the morning, he's woken by the tapping of an owl at the window. Rubbing at the knot in his neck from sleeping on his sofa, he opens the window, takes the missive and offers a treat. When the owl is gone without waiting for a response, he unfurls the parchment.
I have heard that they are unveiling a new ale at the Hog's Head. Perhaps you could join me at 10am today for a sample?
Muttering to himself about owls and Dumbledore's ungodly hours and the glaring sunshine beaming down on his face, Sirius goes in to the kitchen, fixes a quick cup of instant coffee (needs must, considering that he's lucky that he hasn't burnt the flat down around him every time he even thinks of using the cooker) and then takes a quick shower. He dresses fairly conservatively for him, as he pulls on a pair of denims and a clean button down shirt but then, giving in to his heritage, slips a nice set of robes over them.
When he arrives at the Hog's Head at five after ten, Aberforth chides him to shut the door, he's letting a draft in and then gets to pouring a pint. His goat wanders out and Sirius pets him on the head before walking over to where Dumbledore sits in the back corner. Ears popping as he enters the silenced area, he sits down on the seat across from Dumbledore.
"We have ourselves quite a conundrum here." Dumbledore looks at him directly and Sirius is instantly eleven again, sitting across from him as he chastises Sirius for a prank gone wrong while James nods seriously and Sirius worries if Dumbledore is going to owl his mum.
"It's not one of us," Sirius says quickly, hoping to derail any suspicions that Dumbledore might have.
"That is not the conundrum of which I speak." There's a pause and Sirius struggles to keep himself from fidgeting. "There is a prophecy."
Sirius sits back, head hitting the back of the booth hard. He's never been a big believer in prophecies. They're all a bunch of shite as far as he's concerned, but, for others, well, for others prophecies are important things. The more credence one gave them, the more powerful they became. With Dumbledore believing in this one, it has to be important.
"There was an unfortunate incident and one of the parties mentioned in the prophecy now has access to it." There's that pause again and Sirius wonders just what it is that Dumbledore wants from him.
"Who's the prophecy about?" Dumbledore stares at him and then realisation dawns. "Voldemort."
"Very good, my boy. Yes, it is about Voldemort."
"Who else, though?" Sirius's mind races with who and what the prophecy could possibly describe.
"Of that, we are not certain. There are two possibilities. We shall have to leave it to time." Dumbledore fumbles in his pocket and pulls out a sweet, popping it into his mouth. "Until then, do be sure that when you are instructed not to tell anyone about something, you don't tell anyone."
Sirius goes right back to that eleven year old self again and flushes, looking away and stammering out, "I didn't mean, that is, I… I had to tell them, didn't I?"
"I realise that the four of you have no secrets from one another but there might come a time when secrecy will keep each of you alive. Try to remember that," he says and then pats his pocket again before asking, "Sherbet Lemon?"
The news that trickles in during their last months at Hogwarts seems almost surreal, like it doesn't affect them and can't affect them because they're too busy not studying for their exams. It's only when they've left Hogwarts that the news starts to affect them. Sirius, especially, isn't unscathed as he stumbles into his brother in Diagon Alley. Regulus keeps tugging at his sleeve as if he's hiding something. Without thinking about it, Sirius shoves him into the nearest alley and grabs his arm, slamming it against the wall. He pulls the sleeve back and there it is, proof that Regulus and he have always been on opposite sides of everything.
"You fucking idiot!" he snarls into Regulus's face. "Do you have any clue what you've done?"
"What I've done? What I've done? You haven't a clue." Regulus sneers at him and tries to pull away.
"I've a clue, all right. You're part of those murdering bastards? You think you're so much better than the rest of us? You think you have a right to kill people? You think this'll please mummy and daddy so much?" If Sirius could see the pair of them, he'd be appalled at their matching sneers, Regulus's a slightly softer, more petulant version of his own.
"The Dark Lord is strong and he's smart. We deserve it – " Regulus starts to say and Sirius grabs his chin and shoves his head back into the brick behind them.
"Don't you spout that bullshite to me, you little bastard. You have no idea who you're playing dress up with." Sirius shifts his grip and pushes his thumb into the Dark Mark, pressing so hard that he can feel the gristle and bones as they shift under the pressure. "This isn't a game, Regs. People are going to die and you're on the wrong side." The last is said without any sort of heat.
"What the hell do you care about it, anyway? You left or have you forgotten that?"
"You can leave, too, you know. Nothing's keeping you there but your own narrow-minded idiocy. You're too young to be a part of this. Go back to school and get new friends." Sirius would've continued but Regulus pulls himself out of Sirius's tight grasp.
"Some of us don't run away from our family and friends. Some of us are better than that," Regulus says and then walks out of the alley. Sirius stays where he is, resting his forehead against the brick.
"Problems, Black?" Moody's voice echoes in the dark closeness of the alley.