Fic: The Story of What Could've Been..., pt. 1 (Remus/Sirius, NC-17) for i_phiannasa Author:wook77 Recipient:i_phiannasa Title: The Story of What Could've Been, What Should've Been and What Was Rating: NC-17 Pairing: Remus/Sirius Disclaimer: All Harry Potter characters herein are the property of J.K. Rowling and Bloomsbury/Scholastic. No copyright infringement is intended. All characters engaging in sexual activity are 16 years or older. Summary: When a butterfly flaps its wings, it doesn't create the tsunami, it only changes the path. When a word is spoken or an action is taken, the path of the future changes until the could've beens and the should've beens and the was mix together. Warnings: Canon compliance. AU. Disparate timeline. Word Count: 21,100 Auhor's Notes: to i_phiannasa - your very open request gave me a wonderful opportunity to explore a story that's been haunting me for a couple of years. I thank you for the opportunity to write it and gift it to you. I've also included virgins, just for you. Many thanks to my betas, the three J's and the two T's. Obviously, all mistakes are my own.
The Butterfly Flaps its Wings
Moody stomps into their small flat with his eye swirling as he looks around. Remus steps into the kitchen and calls out, "Can I get you something to drink?"
"You hiding him here?"
"Hiding who?" Sirius asks but it's patently obvious to Remus that Sirius knows exactly who Moody is referencing.
"Don't play stupid with me, boy. Your murdering scum of a brother." Moody jabs a finger into Sirius's chest. "Where is he?"
"Don't know," Sirius snarls as he steps into the poking. "Get out."
"I'll get out once you tell me where you're hiding him." Moody jabs Sirius once more. "You'll tell me what you know or I'll make sure you don't tell anyone anything."
"I've told you everything I know, Moody. You don't like it, you can go straight to hell," Sirius says as calmly as he can, voice low but emphatic just the same.
"You'll tell me what you know, boy, or I'll make you, see if I don't!" Moody yells back. It's an unexpected response. Remus isn't at all certain just what to make of the fact that, for once, Sirius is the calm one and Moody is the one yelling.
"I haven't talked to my family in years. What makes you think that I'm in contact with them now?" From his vantage point in the doorway, Remus watches as Sirius leans in. It's a lie, Remus knows this, but he still doesn't speak up. "You get blinded by the last name, old man? Can't figure out that I might possibly not be dark? Fucking a dark creature and coming from my family line, course I'm turning on all of you."
Remus cringes at hearing their relationship put in such gauche terms. The fact that Sirius is so blasé about his terminology cuts, though Remus tries to not let it. He knows he's a dark creature. Hell, he's aware of it every minute of every day but he's been able to fool himself into thinking that Sirius doesn't notice it other than one night a month.
"Your brother's up to his eyes in 'em. I know you still talk to him."
"Oh yeah? How do you know that? Watching my mail and the flat? After all, wouldn't want to have a bit of trust, right, Moody? Constant vigilance and all that." Sirius sneers with the last of it and Remus steps back and away from the argument, goes into the kitchen and fixes a pot of tea.
"You don't know the forces at play, boy! You're playing a dangerous game and you're getting in too deep."
"Game? You think I think this is a game? You think I don't have a clue? Get over yourself, old man. I know more than you think. If you really think that I'll just go back over there, happy as you please, and let them murder my – " Remus can still hear them arguing and he lets the pot heat on the cooker as he walks down the hallway to the bedroom he shares with Sirius. He can't hear the rest of the conversation once he's inside and he rubs at his chest to try to get rid of the knot of tension that's taken up residence just under his breastbone.
He grabs a book, concentrating on it with the desperateness that he learned by sharing a dormitory with Sirius in full ire and ignores the argument. Remus hadn't been aware that Sirius had been talking to his brother. As far as he'd known, that contact had stopped once Sirius left his family. It hurt that Sirius hadn't trusted him with it. He gives up on the book as he thinks about just where they are and where they've been. The sound of raised voices continues to trickle through the door until he hears the front door slam. Remus puts the book down and goes back out, looking for Sirius. He finds him in the kitchen so Remus steps up behind him and asks, "What was it that Moody wanted?"
Sirius looks at him with a blank expression. "Sorry?"
"Moody?" Sirius continues to look at him blankly. "Regulus?"
"Oh, that. Just Moody being a paranoid bastard."
Remus leaves it alone as they've hit shaky ground and he doesn't want to force a confrontation right now. Besides, there are certain boundaries to any relationship and everyone's entitled to a few secrets, especially with a family like Sirius's. The fact that Sirius's family is messing him up right now is something that Remus wants to fix but, since he hasn't the capability or the faith in their relationship, he doesn't ask.
What Should've Been
"I've told you everything I know, Moody. You don't like it, you can go straight to hell," Sirius says as calmly as he can, voice low but emphatic just the same.
"You'll tell me what you know, boy, or I'll make you, see if I don't!" Moody yells back. It's an unexpected response. Remus isn't at all certain just what to make of the fact that, for once, Sirius is the calm one and Moody is the one yelling.
"I haven't talked to my family in years. What makes you think that I'm in contact with them now?" From his vantage point in the doorway, Remus watches as Sirius leans in. It's a lie, Remus knows this, but he still doesn't speak up. "You get blinded by the last name, old man? Can't figure out that I might possibly not be dark? Fucking a dark creature and coming from my family line, course I'm turning on all of you."
Remus cringes at hearing their relationship put in such gauche terms. The fact that Sirius is so blasé about his terminology cuts, though Remus tries to not let it. He knows he's a dark creature, hell, he's aware of it every minute of every day but he's been able to fool himself into thinking that Sirius doesn't notice it other than one night a month.
"Your brother's up to his eyes in 'em. I know you still talk to him."
"Oh yeah? How do you know that? Watching my mail and the flat? After all, wouldn't want to have a bit of trust, right, Moody? Constant vigilance and all that." Sirius sneers with the last of it and Remus steps back and away from the argument, goes into the kitchen and fixes a pot of tea.
"You don't know the forces at play, boy! You're playing a dangerous game and you're getting in too deep."
"Game? You think I think this is a game? You think I don't have a clue? Get over yourself, old man. I know more than you think. If you really think that I'll just go back over there, happy as you please, and let them murder my – " Remus can still hear them arguing and he lets the pot heat on the cooker as he walks down the hallway to the bedroom he shares with Sirius. He can't hear the rest of the conversation once he's inside and he rubs at his chest to try to get rid of the knot of tension that's taken up residence just under his breastbone.
To help him ignore it, he shuffles the clothes off the chair in the corner, grabs a book and reads. The slamming of the door breaks his concentration and then Sirius enters the room.
"All right, Sirius?" he asks without looking up from the book.
"Yeah," is the snarled response. Remus wonders if he should ask about the argument, if there's any sort of truth to it but he doesn't think they have any sort of standing right now that would allow for it. If he asks, there's only two ways it can go. Either Sirius will tell him and Remus will know, regardless of the way the war is going and the four friends are falling apart and everything is converging in a wild strangling vortex, that Sirius trusts him and loves him or… or they'll quietly break apart when Sirius refuses to share once more. If he doesn't ask, Remus can pretend that they love one another, that Sirius would answer if he were to ask while never having to give it a go.
He can't do it. He can't remain silent, because he has to know. "Why don't you tell me what's bothering you?"
"Because it's not a thing to do with you! It shouldn't have anything to do with you that Moody is a fucking git that can't trust a soul and that my brother's trying to get himself killed and that everyone thinks you and I are just hanging about waiting for a moment to get everyone killed! It's not a thing to do with you that people can't see beyond my name!" Sirius shouts and curses and waves his hands about, spilling everything that's bothering him. Remus's knot of tension dissolves at the way that Sirius rages and shares.
"Of course it has to do with me, Sirius, because it has to do with you," he says calmly, as he gets up and crosses the room to still Sirius's flailing hands before they can pick up the glass bauble they're dangerously close to and hurl it at the wall. Sirius calms and stares at him, cocking his head just so and ignoring the hair falling to cover his right eye.
"How do you do that?"
"Do what?" Remus holds on to Sirius's forearms as they stare at one another while the atmosphere in the room goes thick with something that Remus can't quiet identify.
"Always say the right thing?" Sirius asks as he shifts his head to the other side and his hair cascades over his left eye. "You always know just the right thing to say to get me to do whatever it is that you want me to do."
"What is it that you think I want you to do?"
"Shut the fuck up, maybe?" Sirius says with a glint in his eye. "Calm down and think things through instead of raging about like a mad man?"
"Possibly the second one, yes," Remus admits, as he squeezes Sirius's forearms. "Moody has good intentions and he's working to protect a lot of people. You and I both know that chances are good someone told the Death Eaters where Benjy was going to be. He's worried and trying to stop it before anyone else ends up mutilated. You can't blame him for looking at the obvious suspects."
"I sure as hell can, Moony! There're some sneaky bastards out there getting our friends killed and instead of investigating, he's looking at us. People are dying and Moody can't get beyond his prejudices." Sirius pulls his arms out of Remus's grasp to hold on to his upper arms tightly before giving Remus a quick shake. "We're not guilty of it so why would he think it?"
"He's just checking out the possibilities. I'm sure he doesn't mean anything by it," Remus says before holding on to Sirius's waist and burying his nose in his neck. "It'll work out."
Past
It comes out of nowhere. They're not drunk or high or in the middle of a prank. No, the kiss comes when they're simply walking down a hallway midway through their Seventh Year. Sirius grabs Remus's hand and pulls him into an alcove behind a suit of armor. Just as Remus starts to ask just what it is that Sirius is thinking about, Remus finds himself silenced by the press of lips against his own. It's not something he'd considered seriously though there'd been enough teasing and laughing between them about James and Sirius being married and a bit of jealousy on Remus's part that he'd been excluded from that level of devotion between friends.
Remus's brain fills with ohdearlord and ohmygod and why haven't we done this before before even that much thought disappears under the onslaught of lips and teeth and tongue.
"Kiss me back," Sirius demands in a soft, low tone before kissing him once more. Oh, right, Remus thinks, I should do that. His hands snake into Sirius's long, dark hair and then he opens his mouth to the sensation even as he opens his mind to it, too.
What Could've Been
Remus can feel a rift forming when he looks at Sirius. He can feel it grow every time his heart tenses, while his stomach aches and his palms itch with the force of holding back the questions. He can feel it in the way his head aches with them rattling around as he bites them back and doesn't ask any of them.
"Why were you arguing with Moody?" or "Why does Moody suspect you so much? Are you the reason that Benjy died in such a horrible way?" and then there's the most painful one of all, "Why don't you trust me?" It's this last one that sticks with him because as much as he needs the answer, he doesn't want to hear it. Never mind the cowardliness, he can't face the way that Sirius would look at him, the way that his gaze would skitter to the side, unable to make eye contact as the relationship shatters completely.
So, instead, Remus works hard to maintain the status quo. They go on missions, they see their friends disappear or die, they see the suspicious looks, hear the suspicious whispers.
He's a werewolf, you know, dark creatures are more prone to going over to him.
You know his brother supported You-Know-Who. Disappeared, too, they say. It's only natural he'd take his brother's place.
Instead of talking about it, it all becomes the pink elephant in the middle of the room, to the point that Remus can't see Sirius without the looks and the whispers. They're barely together; more like two ghosts haunting the same flat than lovers or mates. Sirius's laugh rings false whenever they're able to see James and Lily. Remus stops speaking and Sirius never fills the silence. He withdraws into himself as the months go by until one day, after Remus hears that no one's seen or heard from yet another Order member, Caradoc Dearborn, in two weeks, he comes home and starts to pack.
He's calm and methodical as he gathers his few belongings, shoving them into ratty bags and boxes, shrinking them and then piling the shrunken packages into his trunk from Hogwarts. By the time Sirius arrives home, he's almost completely packed.
"What's this, then?" Sirius asks from the doorway to the bedroom.
"I think it's time that I move on."
"You do, huh? I don't get a say?" They're both too calm. Somehow Remus thought there would be shouting and recriminations, possibly some shoving and maybe a fist or two. Anything but these too even tones and all this quiet finality.
"You had a chance, you've had plenty of them." Remus looks up and meets Sirius's blank gaze. "I can't do this any longer, not with everything else around."
"Too hard to put up with me, right? I can see how that might be, what with the way that I'm constantly demanding things from you."
"That's the thing, Sirius, you don't." Remus pauses and then adds, "You ever wonder if we're just shells now? Automatons with nothing left to give? One too many losses and we lost our humanity long ago?"
"No." It's said simply and matter-of-factly.
"Right," Remus responds, finishes rolling up the shirt in his hands and then stuffs it into the trunk around his shrunken bags. "I'll be staying with James and Lily for a bit and then… well, somewhere else."
With that, he shrinks his trunk, stuffs it into his breast pocket and walks past Sirius, touching shoulder to shoulder. Now is the moment for Sirius to do something, say something. Now is the time for Sirius to be Sirius and impulsively grab him and kiss him, demand answers and make them live together again.
When it doesn't come, Remus walks out of the flat, resisting the urge to turn around for one last look.
Remus doesn't answer James or Lily when they ask what happened. What can he say, after all? "We stopped living"? "We never talked" seems too petty, as it's such a small thing, really. James and Lily are under the same stress and they're coping just fine. Their relationship is just as strong if not even stronger because of the outside forces.
Remus tamps down his jealousy. It's not right to envy the way they're connected, the way that they whisper to one another into the middle of the night with muted voices trickling out to the living room where Remus lays on the sofa. He ignores the way that the whispers turn into rattling bed springs and low bitten-off moans and shoves a pillow over his head. He's good at ignoring all of it even though there are mornings that he can't help but flush when he sees Lily after a particularly loud night. He avoids her gaze when her flush turns to pity as she remembers just why it is that Remus is sprawled on her sofa with a blanket thrown across his lap.
"Tea, Remus?" Lily asks painfully early, one Saturday morning.
"Sure," he answers as he rubs the sleep from his eyes, gets out from under the blanket and walks into the kitchen after her, bare feet slapping against the hardwood floors. When they're both ensconced with a hot cup in front of them, Remus braces for a talk he's been avoiding.
"We're having a baby," she says, as she toys with her mug. Remus is so flabbergasted that he hasn't a clue what to say back, so he doesn't say anything at all. She fills the silence quickly, babbling out, "I know that it's a bad time but we thought that no matter how bad it gets, the war has to end someday, right? Voldemort has to lose and, well, there're five of us to take care of him so chances are good he'll have plenty of people around to protect and love him, you know?"
She sounds like she's trying to convince herself more than Remus, so he sneaks a hand out and holds her free one.
"It's good news, Lily. Congratulations."
"James wants Sirius to be his godfather," she says quietly. Remus's heart aches with the mention of his name. It's the first time anyone has brought up his name in Remus's hearing in weeks.
"He's a good choice," he says at length.
"Are you ok with that?"
"Sure. It's not my baby."
"Remus." The way that she says it brooks no refusal to answer what she wants to know. Remus sighs.
"It's fine. I'm happy for you both. Sirius will be a great godfather."
"If you ever want to tell me what happened, I'll be here to listen."
"Thanks, Lily, but not just yet."
Silence creeps into the kitchen as they sit there, drifting in along with the cool breeze that trickles along the hardwood and teases at Remus's bare toes.
"Full moon coming up."
"Yeah."
"You want him there?"
Of course Remus wants him there. It'd be the first moon that they'd missed in too many years to recount. Of course he does, but he can't handle it, not with the loss still so fresh. He hasn't a clue how the wolf will react to it, either.
"I don't know," he finally says because it's true. He wants him there just as much as he doesn't.
"All right." She leaves it there, getting up and refilling their teacups before fiddling with a pan. "Anything special for breakfast?"
Past
The kisses come more frequently. It gets to the point that Remus can't walk anywhere without James or Peter, else he risks Sirius pulling him into whatever empty space is available. That's not much of a hardship as far as he's concerned. Sirius's lips taste divine as they touch and his hands feel like sin as they explore.
There are close calls, but they only add to the allure of these little meetings. There's the time that McGonagall almost walked in on them as Sirius pressed him against her desk and ravaged his mouth while his fingers pinched his nipples. They'd barely covered that one before they'd almost been caught by Professor Flitwick as Sirius sat on his lap while waiting for detention to begin. That one had been harder to cover with the way that Sirius had been sucking Remus's bottom lip into his mouth at the time.
The hardest one, though, to cover had been when Sirius had been lying on top of Remus in Remus's bed. They'd been shirtless, the first brush of chest to chest while Sirius pinned Remus's hands over his head, nipping at his lip, his neck and his chest. James and Peter had walked in, making Remus flush bright red but Sirius had kept going, nipping his nipple this time. Remus had been harder than he'd ever been in his entire life. Sirius had calmly gotten up, walked over to his own bed and not said a word. Remus had been so embarrassed that he hadn't been able to say a word either.
What Was
The silence grows until it takes over everything. Remus's inability to force the issue and Sirius's inability to volunteer the information swells until they're cloaked in it. Sirius opens his mouth a thousand times, wanting to confide to Remus about the way that Moody suspects him of being a Death Eater because his brother is one, the way that Moody thinks that they're both in on getting friends killed because, well, a pure-blood like Sirius and a dark creature like Moony and they're bound to go bad.
Even Moody is caught up in the pure-blood mania, in a weird reversal sort of way, and that doesn't bode well at all. But Sirius doesn't want to hear the answers, doesn't want to see the way that Remus might look at him with suspicion in his eyes and betrayal on his lips. So Sirius ignores all of it, drinks far too much and broods as the Order tries their best to keep going in the face of the losses.
It's the disappearance of Caradoc Dearborn that kills Them. Moony comes home and starts packing while Sirius stares. Even while one of the two bright spots in his life is crashing down about him, he can't volunteer the information.
Remus looks up from his packing and says, "You ever wonder if we're just shells now? Automatons with nothing left to give? One too many losses and we lost our humanity long ago?"
"No." It's said simply and matter-of-factly. Of course he doesn't. Remus is proof that he can still love in the midst of this, just like James and Lily are.
"Right," Remus responds, finishes rolling up the shirt in his hands and then stuffs it into the trunk around his shrunken bags. "I'll be staying with James and Lily for a bit and then… well, somewhere else."
When they brush shoulder to shoulder as Remus exits their bedroom, Sirius wants to reach out a hand, wants to push him against the doorjamb and kiss him, demand answers and conversation and confessions. He wants to yell at him and curse and rage. He wants to do anything but this quiet shattering. He'll do it, too, if Remus will just look at him, just turn and give him any sort of hint that he wants to keep them together. When Remus just walks out the door without looking back, Sirius sinks to the floor and rests his head on his knees where they're pulled tightly to his chest.
He thinks, for the next week, that Remus will be back. He forgot his favourite mug, the tin of tea that his mum had sent him, a stray sock, a threadbare coat. He left his aftershave in the bathroom and a half-read book by the chair in the corner of the room.
When Remus doesn't come back the week following, Sirius starts to reconcile himself to the fact that Remus isn't coming back. They're going to have to go back to being mates, if Sirius can even conceive of how they'll do it. The idea of it sends him to the sofa, where he doesn't leave to open the door when the banging starts. If it's Remus, he has a key and if it's anyone else, they can get stuffed.
"It's unbecoming of you, old man, to sit there and mope without even going for a pint to drown your sorrows," James says as he comes through the door.
"Fuck off, not in the mood." Sirius doesn't shift on the sofa to make room, so James makes a spot, pressed tight against Sirius.
"Having a good sulk?" James slings an arm around Sirius and pulls his head so it rests on a comforting shoulder.
"Fuck off, I said." There's no heat to it.
"He's sulking, too," James says quietly. Sirius looks up at James with hope in his eyes. "Can't get a word out of him about what happened. You want to share?"
"He just up and left. Didn't even say anything except about losing our humanity or some rubbish."
"You think we can win?"
"Sure. We've got you and me." Sirius pauses and then adds, "And Dumbledore."
"Lily's pregnant." The quiet admission floors Sirius. He looks away from James before looking back at him, sitting up and turning to stare.
"Sorry? What was that? I could've sworn you said you got Lily up the duff."
"I did. Want you to be the godfather, too."
"Your timing is rubbish, you know that, right?" Sirius gets up and goes to the kitchen to get a couple of glasses and then pauses at a cabinet to get a bottle of Firewhisky.
"We figure there're five of us; odds are that someone's going to be around to take care of the kid. Besides, we could all use a spot of happy, right? Babies are happy things."
"Except when they're pooping. Or screaming about pooping. Or crying because they're screaming about shitting." Sirius laughs, his first genuine laugh in months.
"Fuck off, mate. This kid will be the greatest kid ever, what with me being the dad and Lily being the mum." James goes silent as Sirius sits next to him and pours them both a glass. "Well, until you corrupt the poor thing."
"Congratulations, mate." Sirius is somber seriousness as he raises his glass in a toast. "What's that blessing? May you have a child just like yourself."
"Fuck off, he's going to be brilliant."
After they drink their glass and then another, Sirius lets the silence swell.
"Full moon coming. You going to be there?" James asks out of nowhere. Sirius isn't ready for the question.
"He want me there?"
"Dunno."
"Then I dunno."
"Not like you to be passive like this." James pours them both another glass.
"If he doesn't want me, who am I to argue?"
"Sirius fucking Black." James raises his glass, and the clink as the two collide echoes in the brief stillness. "Go get him."
"If he doesn't want me, I don't want him. Simple as that."
"Your pride is going to be the death of us."
What Should've Been
Sirius can't help but feel like something is going to go wrong. It's a feeling that the Prewett brothers obviously share. They're all nervous, turning and looking around. There are only four others who know about the mission tonight. Seven people total and if something happens tonight, then Sirius will know that the spy is one of his best mates in the world as it's quite obvious that the spy isn't Dumbledore.
"Wait a second," Sirius says. "Just give it an extra couple minutes before we go out there. If the contact's out there, he'll wait. If this is a set up, we'll know too. Just give it a couple minutes."
The Prewetts nod and they remain where they are, crouched behind a crumbling wall at a decrepit castle out in the middle of Yorkshire. They stare at one another for what seems like hours and Sirius can't quite shake the feeling that something is still wrong. Just before Fabian stands up, Sirius waves him down once more. Fabian rolls his eyes and then freezes at the sound of voices.
"They're not coming, someone must've warned them." The voice is where they would've been had they gone straight into the meeting. "Looks like the Dark Lord's pet was wrong. I was so excited to get my hands on those blood traitors."
"You think he'll punish the spy in front of us?" The eager voice sends shivers up Sirius's spine. His cousin had always been a blood thirsty one and it looks like time has only honed it. "I would love to show the little bastard what lying to us really means."
"We should ask," comes another. The sounds of Apparition echo in the darkness and the three of them finally breathe a sigh of relief.
"What the bloody hell was that?" Gideon asks. "Who the hell sold us out?"
"You tell anyone?" Sirius asks.
"No. You?"
"No," he lies because he has told people. His best mates in the world are the only ones he's told and it can't possibly be one of them, can it? The idea that one of them was the spy makes his brain swirl and coldness pool in his guts.
"Come on, let's get back and report in to Dumbledore. He'll want to know." Fabian stands and then Apparates. Gideon quickly follows. Sirius takes one last look around and then heads to the rendezvous spot.
They debrief, reporting back all they know and swearing that they hadn't told anyone. Dumbledore dismisses the Prewetts but asks Sirius to stay. Once they're gone, Dumbledore turns to him.
"Are you quite certain you didn't tell anyone else?" he asks and there's no judgment in his voice.
"Just James, Remus, Peter and Lily," he admits. "I can't believe it'd be one of them."
"Neither can I, but it seems that we have narrowed the possibilities down to just a few suspects with tonight's developments."
"Maybe someone overheard us talking."
"Doubtful." Dumbledore pats his pockets before grinning and touching his spectacles where they rest on his nose. "There they are. Do not give tonight another thought. We shall figure it out in time. Go on home, you have a nervous boy waiting for you."
"Not another thought? You're telling me that one of my best mates is a spy and I'm not supposed to give it another thought? We would've died tonight if we hadn't hesitated!" Sirius can't conceive of any of his mates wanting to kill him.
"We will figure it out, my boy. For now, though, go home. There is not a thing that standing around right now will accomplish that we cannot accomplish on the morrow." Dumbledore pats him on the shoulder and then Apparates away. Sirius is slow to follow but eventually he heads back to his flat.
When he comes through the door, he finds Remus pacing. The pacing abruptly stops and he's embraced before he can shut the door.
"I've had the worst feeling all night. Couldn't shake the image of you dying."
"Almost happened, Moony. Someone told the Death Eaters where we'd be and who was going."
"Oh god," Remus sighs and then presses his lips into the curve of Sirius's neck.
"Only ones to know other than the Prewetts and Dumbledore were us." He clutches at Remus. "The spy's one of us."
Past
Catching Moony unawares quickly becomes Sirius's favourite game. He loves the slight startled gasp as he yanks Remus into a deserted spot. He loves the way that the gasp turns into moans as he licks, sucks and kisses. The way that Remus's flesh heats even hotter than ever as he sneaks his hands under his school uniform turns Sirius on more than he'd ever imagined.
The first kiss had been an impulse. He'd spent two years staring at Moony's lips and wondering what they'd taste like. Then Moony had licked one before sucking his bottom lip between his teeth in that fierce look of concentration he sometimes gets, and Sirius's resolve to let sleeping dogs lie melted.
They'd not really talked about it and Sirius is content to keep going with the flow, pushing the boundaries just a bit further every time they touch, but James and Peter walking in on them puts a stop to the lack of talk. Remus takes to flushing and avoiding him while James and Peter take to teasing him.
He finally catches Remus in the third floor loo. He spells the door shut and turns back. "We're going to have it out."
We are?" Remus quirks an eyebrow at him. The urge to bite the cheeky blighter is strong but he tamps it down.
"Too right. I'm tired of you avoiding me." Sirius walks over and touches the back of Remus's hand with his fingertips.
"I can't believe James and Peter…"
"Bound to happen, the way we've been carrying on." Emboldened by the way Remus hasn't pulled away from his touch, Sirius entwines their fingers together. "I've missed you."
Remus doesn't respond and Sirius feels stupid for the admission. Maybe this is still a game to Remus, though it ceased being one to Sirius long ago.
"Forget I – " he starts to say while Remus stammers out "I missed…" at the same time.
They flush and then share a shy smile. "You first," Sirius says, and gestures gallantly.
"I missed you, too." The admission is quiet, but Sirius ruins the shy environment with a loud whoop that echoes through the loo.
"Too right you did. No one can resist the powers of Sirius Black." He buffs his nails on his robes and preens.
"You have an ego bigger than England, you arse."
"You love it."
"I do." Remus uses that quiet, shy voice again and Sirius's nerves twist and jangle. Remus isn't saying that he loves Sirius's ego; he's saying… oh god, he just… Sirius beams and kisses Remus on the lips. It isn't the smoothest kiss they've shared – that would be the one behind the statue of Pimbly the Pompous – but Sirius doesn't mind the way that their noses bump and their teeth clack.
"I do, too," he says against Remus's lips.
"Yeah?"
"Yeah."
What Could've Been
Sirius swallows his pride when Remus doesn't contact him or say one way or another if he wants Sirius there for the moon. Instead, Sirius just shows up as if nothing had changed. There's a moment of discomfort as Remus stares at him. Eventually, Sirius crosses to him and says quietly, "I'll go if you don't want me here."
"Stay," Remus answers. The way that he says it inspires hope in Sirius's heart that maybe they aren't quite broken yet. Maybe there's still a chance.
"All right," he says back.
It gets easier to see Remus, gets easier to talk to him and not touch him, though his hands shake with the want of it. The flat is still rather empty and naked. Order members are still disappearing. The Dark Mark still hangs over too many houses. Harry's born and Sirius beams with pride at the christening while Remus and Peter congratulate all of them on the ceremony.
When he gets the mission with the Prewett brothers, he can't shake his nerves that something's going to go wrong. He tells his fellow Marauders about it, just in case, because he knows if he doesn't come back, they'll look for him.
The mission goes pear-shaped almost immediately. Curses fly and there has to be at least a dozen Death Eaters waiting for them in the crumbling castle in the middle of Yorkshire. They run for cover and, in the chaos, he gets separated from Fabian and Gideon. He crouches behind a large lichen-covered section of wall and he hears, over the sound of his thundering heartbeat, a cry of absolute pain that's abruptly cut off. The Dark Mark hovers overhead as the cracks of Apparition sound. Sirius knows he's utterly alone.
He creeps through the ruins with the light of the Dark Mark illuminating his way. He trips over what he thinks is a rock but when he looks down, it's Fabian's forearm. Leaping back, he cowers away from the dead gaze of Fabian and tries to summon a Patronus. It fails, as does his second attempt. He sinks to the ground, back against rock as he stares at the bodies in front of him. A happy memory, he needs a happy memory; something he can't summon as the full ramifications hit him.
The only ones that had known about the mission are his best mates, Dumbledore and the two dead men in front of him. He replays the reactions of everyone that he'd told. In his mind's eye, he can see the seriousness of Dumbledore's entreaty not to tell anyone. He watches as Lily clutches Harry and tells him that she'll kill him herself if he gets himself killed, while James hugs him, patting him forcibly on the back. He hears the echo of Peter telling him to watch his back, since he couldn't be there himself. He remembers the way that Remus's hands had reached out and the way that shivers had raced up his spine with the quick touch of hand to hand.
The Prewetts had to have spoken to someone. There's just no way any of his mates had betrayed them. The memory of Remus's touch echoing so many of their previous encounters finally gives him something happy enough to cling to so that his wolf Patronus bursts forth and goes for help. Too long of a time passes before he hears Apparition.
"Sirius?" comes James's voice. He tries to answer but he's in too much shock to get anything more than a croak out. "Goddammit, Sirius, fucking well answer me!"
"Here," he whispers. He isn't sure how James hears him, but soon enough, there's a hand under his arm pulling him to his feet.
"Fuck, mate, thought that, oh god, don't you ever do this to me again. Heart can't take it. Lily's fit to be tied and – oh god." James hugs him close. After a moment, Sirius hugs him back, finally looking away from the dead bodies.
"They knew we were coming, James," Sirius whispers into James's neck.
"What? That's impossible. Only ones that knew are…" Sirius can tell when James comes to the same realisation. "No. No way. No fucking way."
"They knew."
"It isn't one of us," James repeats emphatically.
Before they can continue the conversations, more Apparitions come and they're surrounded by Order members. Sirius goes off with Dumbledore for questioning, while the rest gather up Fabian and Gideon. Sirius confesses his slip and his suspicions. Dumbledore looks at him gravely and, with a shake of his head, sends him on his way. Tired and still in shock, he barely makes his way to his flat. After stumbling through the doors, he stops in his tracks at the sight of Remus on his sofa.
"What're you …" Sirius asks and then shuts his mouth.
"I've been so worried since James told me." Remus crosses the room and then embraces him. "Oh god, Sirius, I almost lost you."
"If it was you, just tell me now." Sirius doesn't touch Remus back. He stays stiff and aloof as he waits for the answer.
"Me?" Remus sounds baffled and, much as he wants to, Sirius doesn't buy the innocence.
"Someone told them. If it was you, tell me now. I know we aren't together and I know I did something that broke us apart and I know that you wondered about your humanity but I didn't think any of it was bad enough that you'd want me dead."
Remus pulls back, expression colder than Sirius has ever seen it. "If that's what you really think of me, then this conversation's over."
"I don't know what to think! Someone told them and people died tonight and the only ones that knew were us! US!" he shouts and then hugs Remus tightly. It's Remus's turn to be stiff and unyielding. "Just tell me it wasn't you. Please."
"It wasn't me. You're an arse, but you're still the arse I love."
"I love you, too," Sirius says and then, ignoring the discussion to come with Moody over the spy, he kisses Remus. It might've been months but his hands haven't forgotten just where to touch. Tugging at Remus's shirt, he lifts it off and then kisses him once more while his hands roam over the scarred flesh. Up and down his sides, rubbing his thumbs over Remus's nipples as he sucks Remus's lower lip between his teeth and then bites down, Sirius hasn't forgotten any of the things that make Remus moan. Remus's hands aren't idle, either, as they pull Sirius's shirt free from his trousers and roam. "Don't leave me again," Sirius demands as Remus tugs his shirt off.
"I won't," Remus answers back.
"Can't take it if you did. Barely lived when you were gone." He works at Remus's belt and trousers. "You are my humanity, hadn't lost it until you walked away from me. Don't do it again."
"I won't. I promise I won't."
"Need you," he says and then holds on to Remus's hips, hard enough that he hopes they bruise so that Remus won't leave him again.
"You have me." Remus pulls him close and the heat sears into him, reminding him how cold he'd gotten just before it dissipates. He wants more of that heat and so he presses them together, chest to chest, so close that he doesn't think even air exists between them. If he could pull Remus into himself, make them the same whole, he would right now. Instead, his mouth turns ravenous as he kisses Remus's cheek, forehead, eyes, nose, lips, neck, ear. He sucks in the earlobe and nips it as his hands cup Remus's arse and pulls their hips even closer.
"Need you so much," he says again and then pushes Remus's trousers and pants down until they're around his ankles. Backing them up so that Remus is forced to step on his toes to avoid tripping over the discarded clothes, Sirius keeps going until Remus's back hits the nearest wall. He starts kissing again while his hand sneaks between their bodies to grasp Remus's cock, pulling it and thumbing the tip.
"You're overdressed," Remus says with a cocky grin as he arches his neck, exposing more of it to Sirius's mouth.
"You should fix that," Sirius retorts, with his own cocky grin. Remus's hands on his body feel divine and he shudders with the way that they burn as they touch, fingers brushing his abdomen as Remus undoes the fly on his denims. Then they're on his cock and Sirius's head falls back and he thrusts into the grip, wanting and needing more.
"Like that, do you?" Remus leans in and licks at Sirius's lips before kissing him once more. Sirius maneuvers his hand around until he has both their cocks in his hand. His fingers entwine with Remus's as they pull up and down the lengths. "Here or the bed?"
"Bed, nothing to prop you arse for here," he pants out as Remus's thumb brushes the head.
They kiss their way to the bedroom, Sirius sticking his one arm out to balance against the wall, as Remus continues to work his magic on Sirius. They trip over a discarded pair of trainers and Sirius lands on Remus, half on and half off the bed.
"You've gained weight," Remus remarks.
"Fuck off, I'm still as trim as ever." Sirius rubs against Remus's ribs where they're barely covered with flesh and mutters, "Could do with a spot of fattening up. James and Lily not feeding you?"
"I eat more there than I ever did here. At least Lily can cook, unlike either of us." Remus lunges up and nips Sirius's chin. "You going to fuck me or chastise me to death?"
"I can do both." Sirius thrusts his hips down into Remus and then grasps Remus's sprawled open legs. "Grab the lube. Fuck yourself first."
Remus's smile goes knowing and seductive as he fumbles for the drawer, finally opening it and pulling out the lube. He smears some on his fingers and then pulls his knees to his chest, reaching around and slipping a finger into his own arse. The second finger follows, slowly disappearing and Sirius is transfixed. He can't look away from the way that Moony is fingerfucking himself.
"You remember the first time you fucked me?" Remus asks as he pulls out, puts more lube on his fingers and then slips a third finger into his arse with the others. Sirius can only nod in response.