Happy Springsmut, entrenous88! Author:inksheddings Recipient:entrenous88 Title: All Things Said and Done Rating: R Pairing(s): Remus/Harry Disclaimer: All Harry Potter characters herein are the property of J.K. Rowling and Bloomsbury/Scholastic. No copyright infringement is intended. Summary: Losing yourself is sometimes just a roundabout way of finding home. Warnings: None. Word Count: ~3,400 Author's Notes: This is most definitely AU, in that Remus and Tonks do not die during the Battle of Hogwarts.
Harry wasn't all that surprised when he opened his hotel room door and found a familiar face on the other side. He was only surprised that no one had come for him sooner. He'd barely been gone six months, but he supposed he wasn't yet used to feeling free to move about with no one keeping an eye on him.
Still, he'd expected to find Ron or Hermione. Even Mrs. Weasley would have surprised Harry less than Remus Lupin.
"Should I even ask how you found me?" Harry asked as he let Remus into his room.
"Do you really want to know?" Remus asked in return, smiling as he walked inside and took his coat off.
Harry chuckled ruefully and shook his head. "No. It doesn't really matter now anyway," he answered, nodding toward his half-packed suitcase on the bed. "I've been working my way back for months. I've already been here in York for nearly two weeks."
"So what are you waiting for?" Remus asked as he sat down at the small table by the window overlooking the street and tourist shops below.
Remus looked well. He'd put on some weight since Harry last saw him, and that had filled in some of the lines on his face. His hair was nearly all grey now, but somehow this also improved his appearance; it seemed to brighten his complexion. All in all, Remus actually seemed younger. Perhaps the outcome of the war and Voldemort's death had truly helped him to find a happier life. And of course....
"How're Tonks and Teddy?"
Remus face darkened momentarily, and Harry got a glimpse of the Remus he knew during the worst of times. Before he could ask, however, Remus was standing up again and walking toward the door.
"They're fine. But why don't we talk about them over dinner? I noticed this establishment has a pub and restaurant in the basement of all places. Is it any good?"
Damn, Remus was still good at changing the subject and altering course. Harry wasn't sure if he was glad that he'd got better at noticing when Remus played this particular game or not. Still, he was hungry.
"The prawns are rather tasty. Plus the beer's cheap."
*****
After the dust had settled and the dead were buried, the living began to realize that yes, there truly was life to get on with, and most people did so happily now that the threat of Voldemort was gone.
Harry had not quite managed it, the whole...normal life bit. He'd been happy, of course, and sad as well, for those who'd lost friends and family, but he didn't quite know what to do with himself. He could have done anything. Whatever he could have possibly wanted to do, someone would have cleared the way for him. This newfound "freedom" was almost as daunting as the frustration and claustrophobia he'd lived with for all those years before.
So, if he could truly do anything, he decided to do nothing.
Dublin, Paris, Berlin, Warsaw; Harry had traveled, seen the sights, taken notes and photographs; Filled his mind and suitcase with frivolous souvenirs until he had to leave some of it behind before he moved on to his next destination.
He'd left England almost six months ago, and all he had to show for it were a handful of memorized historical facts and a new jumper. He had no clue what he was going to do when he returned home, but at least he now understood that, as complicated as it may all seem, he did have a home to return to, and he missed it. Missed his friends; he missed Ginny too, though that – or she – was another complication that Harry wasn't quite sure how to face up to.
The snap of fingers in front of his face brought Harry out of his contemplative fugue and Remus smiled at having caught him off guard. They'd been talking about this and that as they'd eaten, where Harry had been, what he'd seen, who he'd met; inconsequential chatter. What Remus never asked, however, was why. Harry had left with not much more than a hasty word owled to Ron, asking him to assure everyone that he was fine; that he would be fine, yet the topic had yet to be broached.
His curiosity must have shown on his face, however, because next thing Harry knew Remus was leaning forward, clasping his hands together, and looking more like Professor Lupin than he had in a very long time.
"If I asked you that, Harry, I'd have to explain the same to you." Remus downed what was left of his beer and signaled the server for a new one.
Harry remembered Remus' reticence when he asked about Tonks and Teddy.
"May I ask about your family?"
"They're your family too," Remus replied with obvious warmth.
Harry relaxed. "How is my godson?"
Remus beamed with pride as he pulled a wizarding photograph from his jacket pocket and handed it to Harry. Teddy seemed to be trying to reach out through the picture and grab onto Harry's hair with the hand that wasn't tugging painfully on Tonks' hair. He was chubby and cheerful and all the things a well-loved child should be.
"He's fantastic," Harry said.
"Yes, he is. He has a three-word vocabulary now. Mama, Dada, no – naturally – and, oh, make it nearly four words. Ack."
"Ack?"
"We think he's trying to say accio. It's one of his mother's favorite spells these days – accio bottle, accio baby wipes, accio Teddy."
Harry laughed along with Remus as he handed him back the photo.
"And how is Tonks? With a busy boy like Teddy, she must...miss you when you're not around."
Harry regretted the words almost as soon as he'd said them. It was too much like back during the war, when Remus had first brought him the news of Tonks' pregnancy. Harry had been so angry with Remus for nearly shirking his responsibilities back then, but he'd come through after all, and happily so. Or so it had seemed.
"I'll make a deal with you, Harry," Remus said with a sharp edge to his voice, "I'll tell you all about Tonks if you'll answer one question of mine."
"And what question is that?"
"How's Ginny?"
Harry supposed he deserved that, but-
"It's not the same and you know it. Ginny and I don't have a child together."
Remus took another drink before speaking again.
"Nymphadora and Teddy are staying with Andromeda. If it makes you feel any better, she and I get along a hell of a lot better now that we're not living together. She's more relaxed, which means Teddy's more relaxed and...I've tried, Harry, and so has she. But now that life has settled down to- to normal, all the fears I thought I'd finally left behind keep tapping on my shoulder."
A few months ago Harry might have – would have – argued with Remus. But now? He had to admit, he understood a bit better. Not that his understanding made Remus – or Harry even – less of a jerk.
"You're stuck. Quite a lot like I am," was all Harry said.
Remus raised his glass to Harry, who returned the gesture, and they both finished their beers on that note. Harry didn't think he should have another drink though. He didn't want the maudlin thoughts that too much alcohol often gave him.
Luckily, that was all Remus needed to hear about Harry and Ginny and whatever it was that had driven him to travel Europe, because he ordered them both dessert and more drinks – despite Harry's vigorous protests – and they proceeded to take about more mundane matters, like which train Harry planned to take back toward London.
As Harry continued to relax in Remus' company, he began to remember the reasons he'd always liked his former professor. He was actually quite easy to talk to; non-judgmental and a good listener. His strong connection to Harry's parents and Sirius also made him feel like family, even before Harry had become Teddy's godfather. Remus was someone with whom Harry felt safe, someone he could count on – at least for a few drinks and advice on life-avoidance tactics.
They were friends. Equals now – in all their messed-up glory – and that was something that made Harry honestly happy. He watched Remus' animated face as he told yet another Teddy story, and the quirk of his eyebrow and the lopsided smile struck Harry as charming. Handsome, even.
Now there was a weird thought. And it must have shown, or at least something had shown.
"What?" Remus asked, pausing midway through a description of each and every way Teddy's Metamorphmagus status had made itself known so far.
"Nothing," Harry said hastily, but he felt the blush begin to rise up his neck and over his face. "Oh, bugger," he muttered, then blushed even more.
"Harry..." Remus began.
Harry remembered again how perceptive Remus Lupin could be when he wanted to, and this was not something he felt like discussing. It was just the beer – though Harry'd had only one – and the fond feelings and camaraderie, that was all. It had nothing to do with the fact that Harry had barely touched another human being in all these months and here he was, sitting with someone who actually understood a lot of what he'd been feeling. Someone with whom he felt safe.
"I think after dessert we should go up to bed- I mean," Harry covered his face, "I should get some sleep. I want to catch the 8:30 train to London tomorrow morning, so-"
"Harry."
Harry dropped his hand, giving in, and looked at Remus, who also seemed to be blushing slightly, though that may have been wishful thinking and the candlelight.
"Harry," Remus repeated, "have you and Ginny never...?"
"Not exactly," Harry admitted. There had been a few fumbled attempts, but neither one of them had been particularly ready to take things that far.
"Oh, I see."
Tonight, however, Harry felt more himself than he had in a long while. He'd already been half-packed when Remus had shown up on his doorstep, and yet this time he was fairly sure all he'd leave behind on his return trip was a burden.
"Remus, would it be forward of me to-"
"Forward, yes," Remus interrupted, "but not unwelcome."
*****
Harry wasn't sure whether the stubble on Remus' face tickled or hurt as it scratched across his skin. It was certainly proof positive that he was kissing another man- and that he had absolutely no idea how to go about any of this.
Remus seemed to know something of it, however, and he walked Harry backwards toward the bed, kissing him all the while. One hand was tangled in Harry's hair while the other roamed over his back and arse. Once they reached the bed, Harry practically fell on top of it and Remus on top of him, nearly crushing the breath out of his body.
"Sorry," Remus said, though he seemed anything but sorry as he worked at the button on Harry's jeans and began kissing his throat and collarbone.
Harry's heart was beating so fast he worried he might pass out before his clothes hit the floor, but then Remus' hand worked its way around his cock and ohhhhhh....
Remus stroked him slowly, with one hand, as he pushed Harry's shirt up with the other and began swirling his tongue around a hardening nipple. Harry's body fought with itself over whether to buck up into Remus' hand or his mouth, so he just moaned and whimpered and would have died of embarrassment, except then Remus was moving, his mouth kissing and licking a trail down Harry's chest, his belly, his-
Oh, God.
Remus replaced his hand with his mouth and suddenly Harry was receiving his very first blow job. His body, no longer confused, knew exactly which part to thrust forward and up, and his hands clutched the pillow under his head as his glasses slid down to the tip of his nose. Remus sucked him in, taking him deeper and deeper until Harry was certain he would indeed pass out.
When Remus worked one hand underneath Harry's arse and actively encouraged him to continue thrusting up into his mouth, that's when Harry lost it. He cried out, amazed at how much better coming in someone's mouth felt when compared to his own hand; to Ginny's hand even.
Remus didn't let him go right away, he continued to gently and slowly suck on Harry's spent cock. He played with the hair on his belly as well, which helped Harry calm down and slow his breathing to a somewhat normal pace.
When Remus did let Harry's cock slip from his mouth and begin moving his way up, however, Harry began to feel slightly mortified. He'd come so damn quickly, and he hadn't even touched Remus yet, and he wasn't sure he even knew how.
But then Remus was kissing him, and Harry wasn't even all that grossed out by what must have been the taste of his own come. He reached down with a shaky hand, hoping he wouldn't have too much trouble trying to undo Remus' trousers, and was surprised to discover that Remus' trousers were already quite undone; pushed down, along with his pants, his cock only half hard and covered with-
"You- you already-"
Harry was incredulous, confused, and getting more than a little pissed off. Sure, he was a novice at this sort of thing, but did Remus have so little faith in his enthusiasm that he'd seen fit to bring himself off?
Harry shoved Remus hard, knocking him off of his body and onto the bed.
"Harry! What's-"
Harry grabbed Remus' trousers and pants and tugged furiously at them, determined to prove to Remus that he was more than capable of giving him an orgasm, experience be damned. But once he got the bunched-up clothing down to Remus' ankles he encountered an unexpected problem; Remus was still wearing his shoes.
Harry started to laugh.
"Aren't you supposed to take your bloody shoes off before you have sex?"
"Well," Remus began as he sat up, blushing slightly as he went about removing his shoes. "I was a little preoccupied at the time."
"Yeah, you were, weren't you," Harry said, trying to sound bothered but he couldn't manage to erase the smile from his face. At least they both had exposed a certain amount of awkwardness. That fact eased Harry's mind somewhat, and here he was, with Lupin of all people, who was sitting on the bed with his legs crossed, still wearing a shirt - but no shoes or pants - and he looked...like something Harry wanted more of.
Harry finally removed his own clothes, letting them drop to the floor, and thank God Remus understood and took off his own shirt. They were both completely naked now, and Harry could already feel himself getting hard again.
He climbed back onto the bed and Remus pulled him close, laying Harry on top of him. Chest to chest, legs entwined, cocks rubbing maddeningly together as Remus leant up and kissed him. He pushed his tongue inside Harry's mouth, moaning as his hands wandered all over his body; grabbing, caressing, thrusting up against him.
Harry could tell that this time around Remus was the one hanging on by a thread of control, and that made him bold. He kissed him back just as forcefully and rolled off of him, pulling Remus with him until they faced each other, lying on their sides. Harry reached down and grabbed both their cocks, and Remus groaned and broke off their kiss as he threw his head back, obviously losing himself in the sensations.
Harry still didn't know what the hell he was doing, but it didn't seem to matter to either of them. Remus was thrusting erratically against him, into his grip, breathing loud and fast.
Harry could not take his eyes off of Remus' face. His eyes were shut tight, he was biting his lower lip, sweat was starting to gather at his brow. He opened his eyes and looked directly back at Harry. Remus smiled and leaned his forehead against Harry's. That simple display of affection was the most erotic action he could have taken, as far as Harry was concerned. He came in his own hand, yes, but with Remus against him; with him, making it everything he could have possibly hoped it would be.
The extra lubrication made his hand move even faster. Harry, ignoring how sensitive his cock felt after coming twice in so short a time, continued stroking the both of them until Remus let out a cry and came, gripping Harry about the waist as he burrowed his face against his shoulder.
When it was over, when the euphoria began to settle and fade – just a little – Remus kissed Harry's shoulder gently. Harry wiped his hand against the already messy sheets and hugged Remus tightly. He had no idea what sort of consequences this would have in their relationship; in their relationships with everyone back home. But for now, he felt warm and safe; safe enough to drift off to sleep in the arms of a friend.
*****
Light poured in through the window, and Harry rubbed sleep out of his eyes as he turned his head to look at the clock on the nightstand.
"We've slept in a bit, I'm afraid," Remus said.
The time showed 10:06 a.m.
Remus was sitting at the small dining table – which barely fit in the small room – with a cup of tea in his hands. He was looking out the window, apparently at the street below. Harry imagined it was starting to get lively down there, now that breakfast was over for most and the business of tourists was just beginning.
"I came looking for you because I wanted to be sure you were all right."
Remus' words did wonders to further wake Harry up.
"Of course, I knew you were," he continued, "but knowing a thing or two about feeling lost and furthering that feeling through travels I...just wanted to be certain."
The unexpected sincerity touched Harry deeply. Remus' emotional nakedness made Harry feel a bit better about the fact that he was still only covered by a sheet and blanket, while Remus had already dressed. Shoes and all.
"Doesn't look much like you slept in," Harry said, not sure how else to respond to Remus' slight confession.
"Well, that doesn't mean it was easy to get out of bed," Remus admitted, smiling ever so slightly as he took a sip of his tea.
Harry couldn't help but smile in return. Although he still felt a bit awkward about what happened between them last night, both their smiles were honest and affectionate, and he refused to take that as anything but a good sign.
"We missed the 8:30 train," Remus added unnecessarily, still smiling but with a hint of sadness showing through.
We, he'd said. They had to return. They had to sort out their lives. Remus owed it to Tonks and Teddy, and Harry owed it to Ginny. But right now...
Harry wanted Remus to smile at him as though, in this moment, they didn't have a care in the world. It wouldn't be entirely true, but maybe that's what made their time together all the more worthwhile. It felt true, and that's what Harry had been missing, that sort of lightness in his life.
Harry didn't give a damn how many trains they missed today. There would always be another one. Maybe it showed in his face, or in the way he let the sheet slip down from chest to belly, because Remus slowly put his cup down on the table and made his way back over to the bed.
This time he kicked those bothersome shoes off on the way.