The Dungeons

By Rita Skeeter

The wizarding world goes to the polls tomorrow, but in the most important races, the outcome is all but certain. Rufus Scrimgeor's recent purchase of stationary emblazoned with his presumed new job does not appear to have been a waste of money. While the Prophet questions whether our new Minister will get us in to trouble with his apparent tendency to jump ahead of the public voice, Scrimgeor is undoubtedly the more qualified candidate, a view which has been echoed in conversations with averages witches and wizards on the street.

"I can't say I much like him, but he's better than that other chap," said Marilda Jensson, who was out doing her shopping in Diagon Alley on Tuesday. "Weasley's been out of the country for so long, I wonder that they even let him run."

The other race which will be watched with interest, of course, is between our own Harry Potter and Nicodemus Potts for the wizarding position in Muggle Parliament. We here at the Prophet cannot fathom why either man would want the job, but we have watched with great interest as the contest has turned dirty in recent days. The slander and outright lies spread by Mr. Potts against our own Harry have been nothing short of disgraceful. Rest assured, dear readers, that if Mr. Potter, Mr. Malfoy and Mr. Snape were engaging in relations of any sort with magical beasts, you would read about it first in the pages of the Prophet! Shame on Mr. Potts for even suggesting our Harry would do such a thing! We here at the Prophet would like to suggest what Mr. Potter may do with Mr. Potts after the latter is soundly beaten tomorrow, but we shall refrain to preserve the family nature of this publication.

While these two races appear decided, much uncertainty remains about several local contests. In particular, the open council position in Berkshire, in which the incumbent populist ghost will run against a local landowner, promises to be entertaining. Turn to page twelve for a rundown of all the local council races.

Dolores,

Do consider this my resignation notice.

If I may be entirely frank, I would rather be forced to consume the ground glass from my favourite telescope than to spend another term under the nightmare that is your headmistressship. I find your teaching methods horrific, your disciplinary ideas positively medieval, and your personality atrocious at best.

My personal items have been removed from my office at Hogwarts.

I have enjoyed my twenty years of service at Hogwarts. The thought of leaving what has become my home fills me with great sadness. Nevertheless, I cannot countenance this foolish and reckless manoeuvre by the Board which I feel puts the safety and well-being, both physically and educationally, of the students at high risk.

In addition, I would like to take this opportunity to express my full support for Headmaster Severus Snape. Should he be reinstated at any point in the future, I would be delighted and pleased to return to my lecture hall.

As always,
Celeste Sinistra

cc: Edwin F. Hibbit-Turril, Rufus Scrimgeour, the Board of Governors

Ethel,

I've tendered my resignation from the school finally. Margaret, her husband, and the boys have invited me to stay with them in Skyros until things have settled a bit, but I will, if you don't mind, take you up on your offer of your spare room for the next day or two.

I'd like to remain in Britain long enough to cast my vote against that bastard Scrimgeour. And I do believe I will join you in that protest outside the polls you've planned for tomorrow morning. I'm staying at the Leaky Cauldron this evening--no, don't even dare suggesting I come over now; it's far too late for that. I'll meet you downstairs for breakfast at half seven with the signs I've made.

Never fear, I've torn up the Rufus Scrimgeour is a lying sack of shite one. It seemed a bit too jilted fourth year. However, I've a lovely one that demands Severus be reinstated as headmaster, then fades into a delightful condemnation of Scrimgeour's interference in wizarding education. I'm quite pleased with it. With any luck perhaps it will draw the attention of some of the more sensational journalists.

Oh, and I've one for Claude that says Intelligent Slytherins for Weasley. That should raise a few eyebrows as well.

Until tomorrow,
Celeste

Weasley,

Just thought I'd wish you a bit of luck tomorrow at the polls. Managed to strong-arm Seamus into helping me with some last-minute campaigning for you and Harry.

Cheers, mate. We'll get you elected. No one in their right mind would vote for Scrimgeour.

Dean

*scrawled in an uncertain, uneven hand; on top of the note is a shiny black pearl button*

Dobby is being leaving Hogwarts while Headmistress Professor Dolores Umbridge, ma'am, is to be staying. She is being mean and is pulling Dobby's ears but not like Headmaster Professor Snape is pulling Dobby's ears and Dobby is knowing he is just being pretend angry, and Headmistress Professor Dolores Umbridge, ma'am, is saying Dobby is not having two buttons and four Sickles each week any longer.

Dobby is thinking Winky, Tinky, Tippy, Lippy, Nippy, Wynken, Blynken and Nod should be going with him, but he is knowing that Winky, Tinky, Tippy, Lippy, Nippy, Wynken, Blynken and Nod is not a bad elf like Dobby is who wants being free, so Dobby is saying goodbye and Dobby is wanting Tippy to be giving this button to Miss Issy of Lake Cottage.