The Dungeons

By Rita Skeeter

In a surprising turn of events, the sentencing of former Auror Ron Weasley, accused of multiple counts of kidnapping and murder, was not, as expected, a sentence in Azkaban. Weasley, whose extensive list of crimes include kidnapping war hero Marcellus Dolohov-Snape and wizarding scion Draco Malfoy, was deemed not guilty by reason of insanity and committed to St. Mungo's until the medical staff determines he is no longer a threat to wizarding security. Until such a time, Weasley is to be permitted regular visitors and even access to various forms of media.

"It's utterly preposterous," declared Severus Snape, Hogwarts Headmaster and decorated war hero. "The lunatic kidnapped both my son and my husband, hied off to Russia and jeopardized our peace by murdering civilians, and he's to be released someday?" Headmaster Snape, who was one of a very small number of wizards to testify against Weasley, proceeded to stomp out of the courtroom after the sentence was announced, closely followed by his husband, Draco Malfoy.

Our hero Harry Potter, who, along with Sirius Black, Molly and Arthur Weasley, Victor Krum and, interestingly, Marcellus Dolohov-Snape, gave testimony in favor of Weasley's treatment and eventual release, did not follow his rumored paramours out of the courtroom.

"We're pleased with the sentence," he said in a brief statement after the court had adjourned. "Ron is obviously very ill and this will allow him to heal and come to terms with what he's done in a safe and supporting environment. We look forward to the day that Ron is well enough to return to normal life."

While we here at the Prophet have no objection towards the noble goal of healing Mr. Weasley, we question the decision to eventually release him. Regardless of his frame of mind, he is still obviously capable of crimes of the most vile and alarming nature. Perhaps, once his mental state has stabilized, he ought to be sent to Azkaban to serve out the remainder of the sentence that would surely have been given had his mental state not interfered.

Pardon me? I have no intention of giving up my wand, young man. There's absolutely nothing in the sentencing details about "Ron's visitors being wandless."