Sirius,
This is not about Harry. I know you're sick of it all and maybe that's fair enough too, I don't know, it's hard to know. I don't think there's anything Lily could do where I'd just think fuck it I've done enough I wash my hands of you but then maybe she's too small for me to tell or maybe I just can't tell cause half the time now it seems so unlikely I'll ever see her old enough to piss me off like that. Anyway, Harry's pretty sure that's how you feel and no this isn't about Harry.
It's not even about Lily, or it can't really be any more because I've made such a fucking mess of things that it's not about what's best for her any more it's just what can I do that won't make it impossible for me to ever even see her.
I'm not getting to the point and I'd got a hell of a lot better at getting to the point. There's only so much farting about and stalling you can do when things have to be sorted out fast so nobody dies, right? But I always looked up to you, wanted you to think I was doing well, and I'm so spectacularly fucking not doing well right now so maybe I just don't want to admit it.
( Read more... )There is right and there is wrong and we both know that. But sometimes you do what's not totally right because it seems like there's a bigger right at stake. And sometimes you're just an idiot and you find you've done something wrong and you've just got to make it as right as you can get it and not go on about it over and over to yourself because that won't help a fucking thing. But how long can it go on before you know it's just too wrong and can never be fixed? And when do you know you're not safe enough any more for the people you love to be able to protect them properly? I tell myself I'd never do anything to Lily, or to Viktor or Harry, or any of the family, never. Wouldn't matter what I thought I saw my brain would never let me see that, right? It just wouldn't because it's my brain still. But I've had dreams where I did and they scare the fuck out of me even though I know they're not real.
Short version is run yourself to exhaustion and know you're making a difference isn't working any more. What next?
RW