I love your use of language in this, and the way that you bring out Percy's insecurities with regards to the rest of his family -- the comparisons, the jealousies, the recriminations. That he tried and tried for greatness and didn't quite make it--YES.
Also, the description of his walk up to the Burrow is to die for. God, it's lush. Not to mention the utter hotness, complicated hotness, of the sex.