Lomeinie (lomeinie) wrote in houselomein, @ 2009-07-27 15:26:00 |
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Current mood: | mellow |
Current music: | Last of the Time Lords on SyFy |
Entry tags: | angst, au, drama, friendship, goor, gregory house, house/cuddy, house/wilson, james wilson, lisa cuddy, non-slash, rated pg-13, wilson/cuddy |
FIC: Getting Out of Reverse 7/15 (Rated PG-13) Cuddy lightly touched Wilson's arm, drawing his attention back to her, "Can I speak with you alone?"
See headers and disclaimers here.
A/N: Proceeding on the advice of my beta bonomania I've decided to post this chapter as is.
He nodded. "Yeah, sure." To his surprise, Cuddy not only led him out into the corridor, but into a nearby empty room where she closed the door behind them. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing’s wrong but I need to know how long you're planning to stay," Cuddy asked.
Wilson shrugged, "Since Foreman seems to think House will wake up sometime within the next day or so, I think I could stay here for a few more days after that."
Cuddy's tone was flat. "But only for a few days after he wakes up."
"You know, I'm not entirely sure I understand what your point is here."
"My point," Cuddy began, "is that if you can't or won't stay more than a few days, I think it's better that you leave now before he wakes up and sees you."
Wilson's hands settled themselves on his hips, and disbelief colored his voice when he asked, "Are you actually worried that I might hurt House if I don't stay?"
Cuddy nodded. "There's no might or maybe to it. You will hurt him if he sees you and you're not going to stay."
Wilson thought for a second before he asked, "Were you sleeping with him before the accident?"
Cuddy's mouth opens and closes a few times before she trusts herself to speak, "That is none of your business!"
"But I'm right, aren't I? You were together before the accident!" Wilson retorted, "Before you say it's not my business again, let me remind you if things hadn't. . . changed like they did between us, he would have made your relationship very much my business whether or not I wanted to know the details!"
"But that's only if things between you hadn't changed and they have changed, Wilson." When she spoke the next part he could hear the hurt in her voice, "In fact things have changed so dramatically that he actually told me you said you hate him."
I hate you, House, like I've never hated anyone before in my life. You are a cancer on the human race, and you deserve every second of the misery you've created for yourself.
Wilson's eyes dropped to the floor as he remembered the venomous words he'd said to his former friend. At the time he had said them he'd been so angry with House and couldn't stand the thought that he had survived to go on with his life while Amber had lost hers. Even at the moment he was speaking the words, Wilson knew he had been trying to do the most damage he could. He had wanted to hurt House so much that he had gone for blood with his words.
Raising his eyes to look at her again he asked, "House told you that I said I hated him?" Cuddy only nodded in her confirmation. "Well I guess things have changed since I left." House opening up and sharing with another person something not only personal to him but painful made Wilson shake his head at the concept feeling like he had fallen into a parallel universe. While he was trying to wrap his head around the concept, his next question came to mind. "Lisa, if House told you about what I said to him then why did you call to tell me he had fallen into a coma?"
Cuddy's voice was soft when she answered, "Because I had hoped when you said what you said, it was your anger and grief over losing Amber more than actual hatred doing the talking. I called because maybe I hoped that you still actually had it in you to care about him in some small way."
Wilson's head dropped again, and this time he rubbed the back of his neck with one hand saying, "I do care about him or I wouldn't have come back here."
"But you still won't stay," Cuddy said, her voice flat once again.
"I can't, and it's not because I'm still angry with him or because resent him. I can't stay because I'm starting to. . . rebuild something for myself in Arizona. I wouldn't call it a life right at this moment, but every day I spend out there just living is hurting less and less."
Wilson then began to tell her about some of the children he'd been treating and the people he was now working with. At the Desert Hope Cancer Center for Children, he wasn't a department head like he had been at PPTH but rather he was now one of four senior members on a team made up of some of the country's best oncologists. He also told her he had been attending the meetings of a group aimed specifically at those having a hard time coming to terms with their grief.
"It wasn't until after I had been attending the meetings for a couple of months that I realized I wasn't angry with House anymore. I'm not saying that all the anger I feel about what happened is gone because it's not. I've just come to realize it wasn't House's fault. He couldn't have predicted the bus crash or even that Amber would follow him on it." He rubbed his neck again. "In any case, I don't hate him. I hate that it happened and that she died, but I don't hate him for it."
Cuddy nodded, "I'm glad you're starting to come to terms with what happened enough to find something that closely resembles peace," she paused, unsure whether or not she should continue.
Wilson encouraged her, "Go on."
"James, you said you don't hate House for what happened but... have you forgiven him for it?"
"What is there to forgive?" he asked and held up his hand when it looked like she was about explain what she meant. "What I meant is, I know it was an accident, something that was out of his and everyone's control. If anything I should be the one seeking his forgiveness for asking him to endanger his life to save Amber's."
Wilson wanted to laugh at his statement because he already knew the futility of seeking House's forgiveness. Once you had wronged him, there was never going back with House. He didn't do forgiveness because, once he did, it implied he was also giving you a second chance to hurt him. "Maybe you're right. Maybe I should leave before he wakes up. Seeing me now wouldn't help with his recovery and would probably only hinder any progress." He sighed. "I'm not going back in his room so just tell everyone I said goodbye, would you?"
Cuddy nodded. "Of course."
"If at any moment you think it'll do more good than harm, tell House. . . to get better and stop scaring the people who love him like this."
"I'll tell him," she promised. "You know you'll be welcomed here if you ever decide you want to come back."
Wilson was touched by what she had said but he knew he'd never be able to come back to live in Princeton, much less ever work in this hospital again. It'd hurt too much to walk these halls again on a regular basis. Still, he realized maybe she had hope he would one day come back or maybe she knew her offer had been a wasted effort. Not wanting to hurt her if she still hoped she'd see him return, he only smiled at her saying, "Thank you."
Cuddy pulled him into a hug, "Try to find some happiness again, James, and please take care of yourself."
A lump quickly formed in his throat making it difficult for him to speak anything besides a two word response, "You too." He then pulled out of her arms, pausing only long enough to lightly kiss her cheek before turning around. He had meant to leave the room as fast as his legs would carry him but he stopped when his hand touched the door knob. Instead of opening the door, he released the handle, and turned halfway back to her, "Lisa, can I ask you one more thing before I leave?"
Cuddy nodded.
"Has House ever shared with you the reason why he was getting drunk in the middle of the afternoon?" But there was no verbal response from her. One look into Cuddy's eyes and Wilson had his answer. "He did tell you."
Cuddy only nodded a silent confirmation to his statement. She thought about the moment when House had shared with her the reason why he had been drinking so heavily in the middle of the afternoon. In true House fashion, he had chosen the most random and unpredictable moment to share it with her and what he said had made her heart ache for him.