Who: Remy & Clare What: Reconciling some things Where: The Macmillan-Burke (đđ°) When: Backdated to Saturday March 5th Rating: Hot and sour soup ----------------------------------------
Remy had originally planned to spend most of Saturday with Regan. They had managed to get some time in wandering about the city and had made it to lunch before Regan had been called away for a work emergency. Remy had driven them home and saw Regan off before heading inside. Since she had time to kill before Clare was supposed to be home so they could sit for their âtalk,â Remy made a grocery run and then set up some Hot and Sour soup in the slow cooker. After that she spent a few hours in the backyard with her notebook and laptop, attempting to get some work done while she waited.
By about six oâclock, Remy gathered her things and lugged them inside to the table in the kitchen. Her notebook and her laptop were left open to the places she left off while she went to the crock pot to stir the soup and see if it was finished or if it needed any more time or additions. She heard the door and figured it would be Clare since Regan had messaged her to say she wouldnât be back for a couple more hours. Remy grabbed a spoon from the drawer to take a test of the soup while she waited for Clare to make her way to the back of the house. She tried not to let her mind get too carried away with worrying about this talk with her aunt in light of the last couple of weeks and everything that had happened, but it had certainly distracted her throughout the afternoon, that was for sure.
Clare peeked into the kitchen. "I'm home," she said, probably unecessarily, before heading into her bedroom and putting away her things. After removing her jewelry and blazer and slipping her phone into her back pocket, she returned to the kitchen.
"That smells lovely," she said on her way to pull a glass down from one of the cabinets.
Remy licked her lips as she finished off testing a spoonful of soup. She turned the crockpot to low and put the lid back on it for a moment. âHey,â she called after Clare as Clare headed for her room. Remy made herself busy grabbing some bowls and ladle to fill them up from the crockpot. âHot and sour soup,â she said when Clare returned. âHow was your day?â Because it was better to ask the unimportant questions when she felt nervous about the important ones she wanted to find the right words for.
"Hectic." As Clare poured out some wine and they got the rest of the meal ready, she explained everything that was currently going on, book-wise. She was leaving in a few days for the big book tour, which was going to involve a lot of traveling and a lot of waiting around during long signing sessions. She wasn't exactly looking forward to many aspects of it, but it was a necessary evil.
As Clare finished up, they had both moved to the kitchen booth to start eating. "And because I'm leaving, I didn't want the two of us to part on such a wrong note," she said before taking a sip from her glass.
Remy shut her laptop and tossed her notebook on it and moved it out of the way to the counter while she listened to Clareâs day. She settled into the booth across from her with her soup and a beer from the fridge. Remy turned her eyes down to her soup bowl as she stared at it when Clare started in on that bit about leaving. As much as she wanted to talk about things, Remy was also dreading it. âProbably a good idea I guess, given our curse year track records,â She murmured with a frown.
Clare set her glass back down on the table and looked at Remy for a long moment. âI blew up at you and I shouldn't have,â she finally said. âI should have been more level-headed about it. But I was,â she flicked her eyes down at her bowl briefly before admitting, âembarrassed.â
Remy glanced up in time to see the way Clare looked down. She dropped her own eyes again as the guilt started to seep in. She shook her head. âNo, stop. You shouldnâtâŚâ Remy sighed and set her spoon down in her bowl rather than playing with it by stirring its contents about. She brought her eyes up to Clareâs as she dropped her hands to rest against the table top. âWe both know I shouldnât have read it, anyway,â she frowned. âSo...Iâm sorry,â she added.
Clare nodded, a little stiff. âYes, you shouldn't have,â she agreed. âBut it's done and you're forgiven. We don't need to dwell on it any longer than we already have.â
Remy chewed lightly on her bottom lip. She shifted in her seat and picked up her spoon again to stir her soup around. âYou donât have to feel embarrassed, yâknow,â she said. âAbout feeling that way about stuffâŚâ She brought her eyes up from the soup to look across the table at Clare.
"That's not why I was embarrassed," Clare said, but didn't elaborate further before she picked up her own spoon.
Remy arched her eyebrow and waited. Clare couldnât just say something like that and expect Remy to drop it at that. âNo?â
Clare huffed out a sigh and let her spoon clink against the side of the bowl. "I was embarrassed that you were able to see to my innermost thoughts and imaginings during an enormously low time in my life, especially knowing I soon had to, at the least, pretend to have it together enough to take care of you with some measure of authority and confidence a short time later," she said in an irritated rush.
Annnd Remy dropped her eyes again. She frowned down at her soup and took her time gathering up a spoonful of it to eat. She wasnât sure what she should say to that. It made her insides wobble as she started thinking again about the fact that sheâd ruined Clareâs life by existing. Not for the first time, and she was sure not for the last, she let the thought that all their curse years had done her a disservice by not taking her out of the equation. Sheâd thought it a lot more often knowing what she knew now from reading so much of what was in the box she had found. Remy slowly started to get lost in her thoughts as she took her good old time making her way through her bowl of soup with a semi-permanent frown and worry crease to her brow.
Clare watched her with a frown, not sure if Remy understood. "I was embarrassed that you saw how weak I was," she said finally, to clarify. "No parent wants their child to see that."
Remy blinked and looked up at her aunt, eyes wide. She stammered a bit as her mouth hung open for a moment. âYou...you donât actually believe...I thought you were weak...do you?â She asked, still frowning, this time with more creases in her brow.
Clare resisted the urge to roll her eyes. "I don't need a self-esteem pep talk," she shook her head. "I'm merely explaining my kneejerk reaction."
Remy frowned, again. She looked down at her bowl and swirled his spoon around again. âRight...â She started to prep herself mentally for the âwell thatâs settled, everythingâs fine, hooray!â act because she wasnât sure there was anything she could say that wouldnât be met with contempt. âOkay,â She nodded. Clare was about to leave for a work trip in a few days, like sheâd said, so...Remy didnât want to make this talk more difficult, what with being the reason it had to happen in the first place and all.
"I'm not sure what you want me to say," Clare frowned again. "This is difficult for me to admit, you know."
Remy shook her head and shrugged up a shoulder. âI donât want you to say anything you donât want to,â She answered. âIâm not sure what else I can say, other than apologizing again but you donât want me to, soâŚâ she set her spoon down and pushed her bowl forward. Crossing her arms she rested her elbows on the table in front of it and hesitated. She inhaled a steadying breath. âIf I ask you something, will you answer honestly - actually honest, not the protecting-my-feelings honesty, much as I appreciate thatâŚ?â
"Yes," Clare said easily, though she was hoping she wouldn't regret this.
Remy already regretted it. "Right," Remy exhaled the little breath she was holding. "Okay," she tucked some of her hair behind her ear and glanced at the table to avert her eyes a moment. "I...am not asking this because of my perpetual guilt, or because I want you to feel bad for whatever reason," she closed her eyes a second and stopped herself from rambling by clearing her throat. "Would you..." She grimaced slightly as she tried figure out the best way to phrase what she wanted to ask. She hazarded lifting her eyes to look across the table. "Would you prefer it if Regan and I weren't here? Like, if we found somewhere else to live? I mean...so that you'd have the place completely to yourself...?"
That wasn't what Clare was expecting Remy to ask, and frankly it wasn't nearly as bad as the questions she was imagining. Clare's brow furrowed again, but mostly in surprise. "You're welcome to be here as long as you'd like," she said. "I wasn't planning on pushing you out. But I suppose I'd be lying if I said it wasn't awkward sometimes, living with a couple." It was different than times when one of the girls dated someone who occasionally spent the night. In this situation, they were spending practically every night together. Clare figured Remy and Regan would probably want some more privacy, anyhow.
Remy had way more weighty questions, sure. But she still felt anxious about them so, best to ask the easier one first, right? Once e had to build up to things, or certain situations felt that way. Privacy was a thing that she and Regan wanted, sure, but they had enough of it locked up in Reganâs room at night, for the moment. Remy thought so anyway. She knew she had a bias because she was afraid of moving out and away, even if she only moved a block away or something. Even though she had figured Clareâs answer would be something similar to what she said, the way she phrased that first sentence made Remy flinch just a tiny bit around the eyes before she nodded. âOkay,â she really hated feeling squirrely around Clare. It wasnât like she hadnât shared (okay, overshared) a shit ton of her thoughts/feelings with Clare over the years theyâd lived together. This should not be as difficult as it felt like it was, to have a stupid conversation. Okay, this conversation wasnât âstupid,â necessarily, but â not the point. She should not feel this skittish about talking with her Aunt.
Remy cleared her throat again and settled for fiddling with the corners of her cuticles with her hands in her lap. âI wasnât trying to give you a self-esteem peptalk earlier,â she murmured. âWhether it was a kneejerk reaction or not, I would still like for you to know that reading that stuff didnât make me think you were weak, likeâŚat all,â She looked up from her fidgeting hands and over at Clare. âIf anything, I think youâre even more amazing than I already thought you were before. I donât think thereâs any way I could do what you did for me - and Iâm not only years passed, but way more years passed than you had the luxury of being, those kinds of dark thoughts you were writing aboutâŚâ She dropped her eyes again as she realized she was rambling about it.
âSoâŚI donât think youâre weak. I think youâre amazing, I think Iâve always been lucky to have you and I love you. Iâm sorry that my existence kept you from being able to live your life the way you wanted to choose to and Iâm sorry it took so long to for me to stop making everything you were going through less stressfulâŚIâm really glad you didnât actually jump in front of a train even if you might have actually thought about it because I donât think I would be here, or possibly anywhere at all, without you, soâŚâ Remy shrugged and maybe felt the way the bridge of her nose was maybe starting to burn a bit and the way her eyes were stinging just a tiny bit with the slightest little well of decidedly unshed tears. âI love you,â she repeated when she looked up again finally. âAnd I want you to be happy and to, likeâŚhave the things you actually want in your life rather than having the asterisked version of what you want and I donât want to be the reason you canât have whatever they are anymore, not, I meanâŚI didnât want to be the reason that happened before either, I justâŚIâm sorry, Iâm rambling, ahâŚIâm gonna stop...â She pressed her lips together tight and gave a solitary nod, flushing just a little tiny bit because of her rambling and from being embarrassed that sheâd let herself get so emotional while trying to explain that.
Clare hated this so much, listening to people praising her for doing something any reasonable person in her position would have done. It was even worse whenever Remy said it, especially when she wrapped it up with Remy's worries about her general existence being a bad thing. It honestly made Clare feel even worse, for a number of reasons she couldn't quite pinpoint, or at least didn't want to. Clare tried to keep her face impassive as Remy went on, but she winced slightly when Remy talked again about the train thing, saying it like it was nothing and not something especially embarrassing that should never be spoken of again. Clare hadn't even wanted to jump in front of a train in the first place and now she hated that Remy thought she wanted to. This was always difficult, Remy being so American and willing to spew her thoughts everywhere, and a Clare not being the same way. It often led to Remy feeling bad and guilty because Clare didn't reciprocate in the same way. This thing with the journals was a perfect example.
When Remy finished, Clare reached over and put her hand on Remy's. She tried not to frown. "I love you," she said in a firm tone. "And I am very happy. I'm couldn't imagine living my life without you, and I mean that in the best possible way. I like having you live here, having you close by. But I don't want to keep you here if you and Regan would want more privacy."
Remy looked down at their hands a moment and nodded. âI know you do,â She said, just to be sure it was known. Sometimes that just didnât stop her from feeling guilty, though. âOkay,â she said when Clare finished. âWe donât. I mean. We havenât really, ah...talked about that aside from prepping her that if or when it happened...a puppy is requite,â She tipped the corners of her mouth up into a very tiny smile. âNot like we arenât aware that weâd do just fine as roommates anyhow, though,â she shrugged and dropped her eyes again, somewhat bashfully. âAnyway...Iâm kinda scared of it anyhow, so...you might have to kick us out,â she said. âEventually, I mean.â
Clare gave Remy a small smile and squeezed her hand briefly. "In that case, we may be stuck here with each other for a while longer."
Remy smiled a bit and nodded. âIâm okay with that so long as you are,â She said. She felt relieved to go through all of these things, but only mildly so, though she wasnât about to say so at the moment.
"Of course I am," Clare assured, smiling wider. She held onto Remy's hand for a moment more before pulling back so she could lift her soup spoon again.
Remy moved her lips into a small smile and took a breath as she nodded. She looked back down at her soup and tried to eat at a regular, normal pace. Her thoughts were still a jumble of varying thoughts, not just on the things between herself and Clare, but also on various things between her and Regan since all of this in the past couple weeks had left her thinking about the whole moving in together stuff. It was hard to think clearly about it since they already, well, lived together, but doing so on their own with just the two of them, now that they were actually a couple and all, was a lot different, right? Sort of. Maybe.