James Sirius Potter (curseseeker) wrote in hogwarts_dawn, @ 2021-05-05 20:14:00 |
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Entry tags: | character: james s. potter |
Solo RP: Jamie
Who: James Sirius Potter
When: 05 May, 2038 - late night
Where: Room of Requirement
What: Jamie fucked up. Now he has to figure out how to fix it.
It was nearing midnight when Jamie made his way up to the most unassuming wall in the castle.
Really, it didn't look all that much different from most of the other walls of the castle. It was the fact that, as he paced in front of it while wishing for a way to fix this mess, a door appeared where there hadn't been one before.
He'd expected that, of course. He knew about the Room of Requirement after spending his childhood hearing about the war and the D.A. hiding out there. He'd always felt a little weird going there when he was upset, like he shouldn't bother Hogwarts with that sort of nonsense. Once he'd knicked his dad's Map, he'd found ways to hide in various places when he was in need of a few hours when he wasn't Harry Potter's kid. But, when it was really bad and he didn't want to have to be on alert, eyes always on the Map in case someone got to near, he'd go up to the Room and ask for sanctuary.
Which is why he was surprised when the Room he stepped into this time was full of charred...well, he was sure a lot of this had been something more than ash once, but there was little more than that now.
"I'm confused," he told the Room. He was probably crazy to talk to a castle. But, as a student he'd always assumed that if the castle could read a person's thoughts and give them the perfect space to suit what they needed at the time, then attempts at polite communication were probably warranted. That seemed even more prudent now, when the castle seemed capable of making it's displeasure known to great degrees.
"I know you give us what we need, but I don't understand why. Should I look through this? Or are you trying to tell me what I've broken is irreparable?"
That was probably it.
Walking through a space that seemed more cavernous than it should have, hands in his pockets, Jamie couldn't help feeling as though this Room was the perfect reflection of what a hash he'd made out of things. He'd been trying to help and all he'd done was fuck everything up for everyone...exactly what he'd been trying to avoid. Regulus was right. It was all his fault for thinking he could talk his father down.
What had he been thinking? They had yet to have a single conversation in which he either was completely wrong or Dad ended up pissed off at him for speaking. It was why he didn't say much at lunches. If he kept his mouth shut and never expressed an emotion or opinion, things were fine. But, break the illusion of dutifully silent son and it all went to hell.
Maybe it really was time to just give up on ever having a relationship with his father. It was clear that Harry didn't like him, didn't trust him, and did much better when Jamie wasn't interfering in his life. So, maybe it was time to just stop trying before he fucked up badly enough the castle sent them all back and started over completely.
"Is that it?" he asked, stopping his aimless wandering to stand in the centre of all the destruction and stare up at the ceiling. "Is that why you brought me to this version of the Room? To tell me I was better off not existing? That everyone would be happier if I wasn't here? I already knew that."
Honestly, he was surprised the castle had kept him around this far, when he'd done nothing but fuck everything up. It had sent Teddy back for just being unhappy. So, why was Jamie still here?
Jamie didn't really want to be gone, he supposed. He wouldn't do that to Al and Lilu. They were really what was anchoring him there. Had always been. In the back of his mind, ever since Jamie could understand what the maths meant, he'd always had the thought that, if his existence was the reason they were all miserable, the least he could do was try to make it suck less for his siblings who had never asked for him to be born, or to be born after him because Mum and Dad couldn't just get a divorce like most people who shouldn't be married to each other.
A voice that sounded suspiciously like Savannah's in his head told him stop being an idiot.
And, rationally, he knew it wasn't his fault. He didn't ask to be born. His parents just couldn't keep it in their pants and they'd all paid the price for Dad's sense of right and wrong. But, in his heart of hearts, that secret place where a little boy just wanted his father to love him still lived, Jamie couldn't help feeling like if he hadn't been born, they all would have had better lives. It seemed like no matter how much he tried, he could exorcise that little boy. He wasn't sure if he remembered his parents arguing about Harry's need to do the right thing and keep the baby being the reason they were all miserable, or if he'd imagined it somewhere along the line and internalized it as reality. Either way, a part of him believed it was true.
His father may think he'd wanted a family, but Jamie thought he wanted the idea of a family more than he'd ever truly wanted the real thing.
And, yet, he kept trying.
Jamie had been hurt by his father's words, the same way he'd been hurt by his father's instinctive leap to obliviation, protecting his secrets more important than even checking on his son's well being. But, Regulus was right. Jamie should have known better. He shouldn't have said anything to his father and maybe he and Uncle Ron and Aunt Hermione wouldn't have run off and left everyone in the lurch. He shouldn't have tried to step up and be like Dad because he was never going to be anything but a second rate imitation of the Chosen One.
A bottle of firewhiskey appeared in front of him and, for the longest moment, Jamie just stared at it, tempted for the first time in his life to see if his father was right about getting lost in one of those.
He thought about it for too long.
Taking a sudden step back, he shook his head. "No, thank you," he told the Room and Hogwarts. "That's not going to help."
When the bottle didn't disappear, Jamie backed further away.
He wasn't going to go down that route. It hadn't helped his father. It hadn't helped their family. It wasn't going to help him. He might not ever measure up to his father, grandfather, father's godfather. But, he wasn't going to sink to his father's lowest, either.
He could find a way to fix this, to make it up to everyone. Then he'd leave them all to do without his interference. He just needed to think of something... Back now against a wall, he slid to the floor. He could hide here for awhile and think. No one would miss him for a day or so at least, especially now that he didn't have a job. Hard to be the Minister's spokesperson when there was no Minister and no one wanted one if they couldn't have his father.
Jamie would just get a short kip in, rest his eyes, and then he could hide out here and figure out how to fix what he'd broken.