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Tweak says, "The Gin? You're drinking Gin?"

Peter Pettigrew (p__pettigrew) wrote in hogwarts_dawn,
@ 2021-04-11 17:12:00

Entry tags:

character: james potter, character: peter pettigrew

RP: Peter/James
Who: Peter/James
When: Later afternoon 11th April
Where: around Hogwarts
What: they try talking again

Peter went straight to the tower to meet James. He was... ambivalent, because he knew that James had every right to tell him to piss off, but the fact that James had agreed to meet was a good sign. Maybe they could make it work. Maybe they could have the Marauders back, the smarter and grown up version of them.

He made it upstairs quickly, half running and half speed walking, but slowing down when he got closer. "Hogwarts really needs to let us Apparate. I'm out of breath," he said, in greeting. "And hi, how are you? How's Lily?" he asked, not having spoken to her yet. He wouldn't reach out to her without patching things up with James first.
"So we're looking for the stink bomb store because-?" He was pretty sure that there was no real reason, but they were getting bored in this castle and boredom led to introspection and no self-respecting Gryffindor wanted introspection.

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_cervus_
2021-04-11 10:15 pm UTC (link)

James wasn't totally sure why he'd agreed to this. He'd almost turned back and chambered back into the common room on several occasions, but it had felt kind of cowardly and sneaky, so he'd ended up staying. Instesd he stood leaning against the wall, turning his wand over and over in his fingers as he waited.

He didn't enjoy being angry with Pete. It wasn't something that came naturally to James. In an ideal world, he'd forgive him and move on and things would be close to normal again. But if he was totally honest, he also couldn't imagine ever being able to look at Wormtail the same way again.

He kept thinking about the conversation he'd had with Harry a little while ago. What had he said? Something about moving on for his own sake. Easier said than done, James was starting to suspect, but here he was.

It was surprising, then, how little he felt when he saw Peter hurrying towards him. "I'm alright." He straightened up, tucking his wand into his back pocket. "And she's good, thanks. Getting her bearings, you know. You?"

James shrugged, pushing his glasses back up his nose. "I just wanted to double check the position for the map. You know you need to lock these places down at least once if you want to plot them." He glanced over Peter's shoulder, watching a painted old man shuffle into his neighbours frame. "I reckon its on the third floor somewhere today. I did a quick tracking charm in the common room."

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p__pettigrew
2021-04-12 12:33 am UTC (link)

"That's good and she did arrive at a crazy time, so it's expected." Look at them sounding all grown up and civil. He might have gone with it except that he'd told Sirius that he would be brave and they'd be a new kind of marauders grown up and not doing stupid things.

"I'm not good," he finally said. "Cassandra- She was nice, special. We were friends, more than. Nothing had happened, she was from a different century so things were going slow, but I liked her," he admitted, "but that's not why I wanted to talk to you."

He took a deep breath. "The map. Sirius told me you want to redo it. That's part of why I wrote to you. Not the map, but talking to Sirius made me realize a few things- I was scared, not just of Bella, but of what you guys would think, and so when we got here, I lashed out, because if I was angry and pushed you away, you wouldn't have the chance to push me away. I was so afraid of... everything, and I'm sorry I'm really sorry, for everything. For the way I acted when we got here, for what happened at home, for what happened in the future. I know this doesn't make up for my actions, but I wanted you to know."

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_cervus_
2021-04-14 06:37 pm UTC (link)

"Sorry," James replied, automatically. A part of him was intrigued. He hadn't often heard Peter talk about girls before. Probably because he hadn't been able to get a word in with James banging on about Lily every twenty minutes, but still... If things had been different, he would have asked more questions, offered more sympathy. But they weren't, and so he didn't.

He wasn't quite sure what to do with what came next, however.

James glanced across at Peter, hands shoved deep in his pockets as he began their walk towards the staircase. It was still a surprise, just as it had been for weeks, that the other man looked like he had always done. James felt like something physical should have changed to match what was happening in his head, but Peter remained stubbornly Peter, no matter what he tried. It didn't make things any easier.

He'd wanted an apology. So why didn't he feel much better for having got it?

"Thanks," he nodded. What was it with the one word answers? James was definitely not a 'one word' type of person. He usually had no problem running his mouth off to anyone and everyone who would listen.

Merlin, pull it together Prongs.

"I'm sorry about your family," he finally said. They'd reached the staircase now, and James took them two at a time, turning at the bottom to frown up at Peter. "Are you going to talk to Lils?"

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p__pettigrew
2021-04-14 09:03 pm UTC (link)

This was proving to be a very awkward conversation, worse than the one with Sirius, because with Sirius there were at last words and discussions. This was very much not. "Thank you," he said and left it at that. No point in talking about Cassandra when James had no interest.

"Yeah... at least... they were okay without me around," he said as he followed James down the stairs. "My Mum thought I was dead and I never saw them again, but at least they were alive, you know?"

He stopped suddenly on the last step as Jams turned around. "If she wants to talk to me, then yes, I will. I won't push her and I want reach out to her because you've made your feelings clear on the subject, but if she wants to talk, then I will."

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_cervus_
2021-04-14 09:44 pm UTC (link)

At least they were alive.

James had to bite down very hard on the inside of his cheek to keep himself from saying anything. He hadn't known Peter's family well, but he didn't want anything bad to happen to them, especially on his behalf. That didn't stop it stinging, though.

"I'm not stopping you talking to anyone, Wormtail," he shrugged. The nickname rolled off his tongue without him even realising. "I'm sure she'll be in touch soon, anyway. You know what she's like." James' wife had never been afraid to face difficult situations; it was something they'd both learned during the war, and something he loved about her.

James thought about turning and continuing on down the corridor, but perhaps he better follow Lily's example. After all, what was the point of even meeting with Peter if he wasn't honest? Even with his flaws, James had always had that going for him - everything was out in the open. He took a breath, unconsciously reaching up to push his hand through his hair.

"I don't want to push you away, Pete," he finally said. "I mean, I wish I could move past it all and we could go back to normal."

James' brow creased in an almost pained expression. "I just don't know how, you know? You haven't even done it yet, not really, but... it's all I can think about, sometimes."

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p__pettigrew
2021-04-14 10:23 pm UTC (link)

"I know, but I want her to do it in her own terms. It's the last I can do," he answered, knowing that talking to Lily wouldn't be easy. "I owe her an explanation if she wants one."

Peter shook his head. "I don't want to go back, Prongs. I don't think any of us can. I want the friendship, but I want a better one. I want to be able to talk to you and Sirius and not be afraid that you'll put each other first. I want to have the courage to stand up for what I believe. I want to be better, but I also want you to be better. I let it go for so long until I felt that I couldn't come to you. If I had spoken up sooner, I probably would have made a different choice. I told Sirius that we should strive for more mature, less stupid Marauders."

He sighed. "Maybe that's the other problem. You grew up, got married, became an adult, who had responsibilities to people other than the Marauders, and Sirius and I- we sort of stuck around without growing up. We were the Marauders and you had a wife, but that's not it either. It's not right or fair to you or Lily, because expecting you to put us before her is... well childish." He scratched the back of his head. "I've been thinking a lot about us as you can see."

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_cervus_
2021-04-16 09:48 pm UTC (link)

Once again, James didn't know what to say. When had he stopped knowing how to talk to Peter? Was it when he'd heard about their future, or was it before that? Perhaps James had been so caught up with the wolf lurking outside his family home that he had somehow lost track of the others. It was like spinning plates - you could have most of them perfectly in the air, but look away and you might not notice one was falling until too late.

"I can tell," he finally agreed. James hesitated. "I never wanted you to feel like you couldn't come for me about anything. I dunno when that happened, maybe it was a slow thing, like you said, and I wasn't paying enough attention. After Harry was born it became harder to... that was the most important thing."

It was hard to explain. Everything had shifted on the day Harry was born. All of his priorities had realigned. The same thing had happened when he'd fallen for Lily, but this time it had felt bigger, more permanent. Like the world had tilted on its axis a little. James sighed.

"A different Marauders would be great, Pete. But... I just don't know how me and you can come back from this. I'm worried this is too big for that."

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p__pettigrew
2021-04-16 10:24 pm UTC (link)

"It was a slow thing, something that built up from school. I always felt that you and Sirius would put each other first and I thought I could live with that until my family was threatened and if I had said something earlier-" He sighed. "James, you have done shitty things since you were eleven, but focusing on your son and wife wasn't one of those things. You did the right thing. I- I guess part of it was jealousy. I was so used to you putting Sirius, then it became Sirius, Lily and Harry. I convinced myself that you wouldn't care."

He sighed. "I don't know, Prongs. Slowly, one day at a time, one awkward discussion at a time, that's the only way to do it. It's not something that you have to decide now. That's not why I wrote. I wanted to truly talk and tell you all of this. Now take your time, talk to Lily, see what she said and in the meantime we life and we grow. It seems that none of us got that chance last time around. Maybe this time we can."

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_cervus_
2021-04-18 09:14 pm UTC (link)

"I can care about quite a few people at once, you know," James sighed. "I don't get why me getting married or having a kid means giving less of a toss about you lot."

He'd always had a weird feeling of responsibility when it came to the other three - Peter included. Whether they wanted it or if it was required was another matter. Still, the fact that he and Sirius were... well, him and Sirius, and that he had Lily and Harry in his life, didn't change that.

Or perhaps it had, and James just hadn't quite noticed. Perhaps he had been too busy reacting to everything else falling apart to take the time.

He nodded at Peter's next words. It was a good thing, really, because he honestly was no closer to figuring this out than he had been at the start of the conversation. He was less angry at Wormtail, perhaps - the apology had done that much. Now, if he was honest, he mostly felt sad. And hurt; that was still simmering there, although more of a dull ache than the white hot pain it had been before.

"Yeah, maybe." He couldn't keep the note of uncertainty from his voice. There was too much to wrap his head around. He needed to talk it through with Lily or Sirius. Probably both of them.

And wasn't that what Peter had been saying?

Merlin, this was a nightmare.

"I hope you're right," he finally agreed. "I'd like that. One day." James stuffed his hands back in his pockets, half turning to continue down the corridor. "You coming?"

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p__pettigrew
2021-04-18 09:27 pm UTC (link)

"James, you never cared about me or Remus as much as you cared about Sirius. Never. It was always the two of you, through thick and thin. Sirius who moved in with you. Sirius who was Harry's Godfather. Sirius who would never be questioned. You already cared less about us and we got used to that. Having Lily and Harry just meant that there were two more people who came before us and we learned to adjust to that as well," he said with a shrug. "Okay, Remus adjusted, I resented."

Peter nodded. "Yeah, let's go find that room." The rest needed time, because he knew that one apology wouldn't change anything. James needed the time and Peter knew how important that was.

Hopefully with time, they'll finally get those smarter, mature Marauders they kept talking about.

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