"Remus said that too," Sirius said with a sigh. "Message him, that stuff, I mean. I might. Later. Not today. I can't even, I can't think about any of it or I'll get all, I'll just..."
It was getting overwhelming again, all his careful repression unraveling faster than he could pack it away. He sat up, digging the heels on his hands into his eyes.
"It's like, I still kind of hate him, because he's also a fucking asshole, but I also really really don't anymore and it's just doing my head in. It's like too many layers of complicated and I'm already a fucking onion of stupid fucking layers and I don't need his too, you know? I hate him, and I hate that I hate him, and I hate my fucking self because he did too, which is mental because I already hated myself plenty, thanks." The words were just pouring from him like the puss from a wound. "I didn't need fucking Snape in my head to know how totally fucking awful I am, you know? I've known that my whole damn life thanks but it's just that much more, and I feel fucking sorry for him too which I also know he would fucking hate, and I... Fuck. Sorry. I'm a fucking mess. Feel free to smack me upside the head or whatever."