InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "I'm like Jesus, in a way."

Fenrir Greyback (wolfish) wrote in hogwarts_dawn,
@ 2021-03-17 10:10:00

Entry tags:

character: fenrir greyback, character: remus lupin

Journal: Fenrir and Remus
~~Hi Remus~~ ~~Hey fellow werewolf~~ ~~Hello~~ ~~I'm a dipshit~~

Hi. Harry suggested that I talk to you about werewolf stuff, like this Wolfsbane potion I've been told about and what it's like being a werewolf because I've only been one for about five years and most of that I was just trying to survive. And I don't know what else.

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slowburn_alpha
2021-03-16 11:57 pm UTC (link)

Understandable. From my experience that sums up how most of us lived in the past. There's a lot we've been left to try and figure out on our own through talking to others or plain guesswork.

I find journals to be a poor medium for conversations such as this, however, and after that gossip columnist's entry, I'm afraid I don't trust them very much. Would you like to meet somewhere to talk? I am on the research level now. But, I could meet you anywhere you'd feel comfortable.

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	wolfish 2021-03-17 12:16 am UTC (link)
	Merlin's balls but the Ministry sucks. The old one anyway. Yeah, sure. Could we meet outside somewhere? Maybe down near the caretaker's hut? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	slowburn_alpha 2021-03-17 01:11 am UTC (link)
	You're not wrong. Luckily, we have the chance to do better this time around. Hagrid's hut, it is. I'll meet you there in a few minutes. (Reply to this) (Parent)

slowburn_alpha
2021-03-17 02:18 am UTC (link)

Remus let Regulus know he was going to take a break for a bit and then left the research level to go meet Fenrir Greyback.

Mam Sanctaidd Dewiniaid!

He had never thought he'd ever be thinking those words without also running over options for how to bring the old wolf down. But, this wasn't the nightmare of his childhood. This was a young man about his own age who had no idea how to deal with what was happening to him and who had lived the life Remus had experienced for the last several years himself between the war and it's aftermath. If he could help him and maybe steer this version away from becoming the werewolf Remus had worked against during the war, he had to try.

No matter how uncomfortable this first meeting was for Remus, personally.

Arriving at Hagrid's hut, he picked up the other wolf's scent before he turned to see him approaching from the other direction. Taking a deep breath to calm himself -- it would not be good to set Fenrir off with Remus' nerves, especially if he didn't know how to interpret what he was sensing, yet -- Remus offered him a small smile as he drew closer.

"Afternoon! I apologize for not reaching out sooner. I tend to get lost in research when I'm left to it," he called in greeting. "Do you prefer Fenrir? Or Greyback?"

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wolfish
2021-03-17 02:57 am UTC (link)

Fenrir felt a bit nervous as he made his way out of the castle. It wasn't that he hadn't met any other werewolves before but it had never been anything meaningful. Ships passing in the night, as his father might say. He'd shared food with some, given or received directions to safe places... or unsafe places as the case may be, even shared a bed a few times, not for sex really, but just for warmth or some human company.

This place was different though. It seemed more permanent. Hell, he even had a real wizarding job in the MLE now and he'd never ever thought that would happen. This place made him feel like he was actually worth something and he wasn't sure if this was going to continue when he met Remus or get worse. Because he was pretty sure there was worse. He hadn't tried to look up anything about his future and no one had mentioned anything to him, except he got the impression during meals that people knew who he was. It made him nervous and so he'd chickened out on finding out.

He took a deep breath to settle himself down and gave a smile and nod in return to Remus.

"Uh, Fenrir's fine," he said. "And that's okay. I've been settling in and making my room look like someplace I'd like to live in so I've been a bit distracted by that."

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slowburn_alpha
2021-03-17 04:41 am UTC (link)

"Fenrir, it is then." That would be easier than 'Greyback', Remus had to admit to himself. While he would extend the courtesy of asking to the other wolf, it would be much easier for him to distance himself from their shared past -- that this man in front of him had no recollection of -- if he used a different name. Harry hadn't been wrong about that part.

"Can't say I've done much in the way of decorating. But, my friends and I just moved into Gryffindor tower and pretended like we never left," he said with a laugh. It was difficult not to feel his spirits lifted when talking about his friends, especially now that he had them all back. Even despite the tension between the others and Peter, Remus was just glad they were all alive.

Signalling his intent with a mod of his head, he started to walk toward where Hagrid's garden used to be. It looked a bit wild now, untended and left barren for nearly a decade. "So, you said you were bitten about five years ago? Have you encountered many others? Any who could explain some of what was happening to you?" He was trying to get a feel for what Fenrir knew already. But, if he didn't know as much as it sounded like, no wonder he'd gone a little crazy eventually.

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wolfish
2021-03-17 05:28 am UTC (link)

Fenrir twitched at the mention of friends. His own friends had stopped replying to his owls and in one case, even outright ignored him when he was in the same room. But that did raise a question in his mind. "You don't mind being around people? I get... twitchy. Not always but sometimes." He shrugged. "S'why I took one of the classrooms. The one that looks like the forest. It's nice. Like having an indoor room outdoors."

He walked next to Remus, eyeing the abandoned garden with interest. He remembered the gamekeeper that used to live here. Big bloke but friendly enough. "Yeah, about that. I was over in Germany. Mum and Dad had scrounged up the money for me to take a holiday." He snorted. "I think they were hoping I'd find some direction. Instead I found a werewolf."

He shrugged a little. "I've met three or four but it was just... you know, for a few hours, if that. Pool our resources to eat or rent a room for the night. Or give directions or warnings about places. They didn't seem to know much more about it than I do." He grimaced. "Didn't like being near some of 'em for too long. Get all twitchy. Or they would. Had one actually throw a punch at me for no reason I could figure."

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slowburn_alpha
2021-03-17 01:34 pm UTC (link)

"It depends on the number of people," Remus replied, remembering his school days and the torture that had been potions classes. "It gets better, easier to deal with, the longer you deal with it. I had a rather unique experience because of how young I was when I was bitten. And I was luckier than most in a lot of ways. Mam and Tad were sure I'd never be allowed to attend Hogwarts because of it. Then Professor Dumbledore shows up on our doorstep, cool as you please, talking about how there's no reason I should be barred from an education...with precautions." Turning, he spotted the Willow in the distance. "He planted that Whomping Willow the summer before my first year. It sits over a tunnel that leads to what they now call The Shrieking Shack because the locals would hear my screams each month and thought the place was haunted. But, it was really just eleven year old me going there to transform each month. But, I had to keep my condition a secret. We'd been hiding on an isolated farm in Wales since I was bitten. I'd never even played with children my own age. Suddenly I was stuck in a castle full of children, hormonal teenagers, professors, noises and smells. I had to either learn to deal with it, or go mad, really."

First year had been terrible. He truly was surprised his friends had given him the time of day with how much he'd tried to retreat into solitude those first few months. There had been so many times he'd considered calling it off, telling the Headmaster they'd made a mistake and he couldn't do it. But, then, he'd remember the Hat telling him how brave he was just for being there, how proud his parents would be if he got a normal education...and he stayed.

"But, that brings me back to why I asked about how many you've met," he continued. "The curse changes us, more than just the monthly transformations, but the changes during the rest of the month don't seem to be well known, even amoung werewolves. I suppose because of how the curse is passed so randomly in most cases. And, it's rare in most places for werewolves to congregate in large numbers. Safer to be spread out. The Black Forest region in Germany is actually one of the exceptions, or was in eighty-three. I was on my way there, trying to learn more about the curse, when I wound up here. But, one of the things no one tells us when we're bitten -- and I assume it's because St. Mungo's doesn't really know -- is that our senses are enhanced permanently, not just when we're in wolf form. It's what makes being around people rather twitchy a lot of the time. You're picking up on scents and sounds and your brain is trying to sort out the increased sensory input. Eventually, you learn to sort it out, but if you don't know that's what's happening, or learn ways to mitigate the effects when you need to, it can drive you mad easily enough."

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wolfish
2021-03-18 12:55 am UTC (link)

Fenrir looked over at the Whomping Willow. He'd noticed it there and wondered when it had been planted because it sure hadn't been there when he'd last been here. Then the gist of what Remus was saying sunk in and he stared at the other werewolf in horror. "Wait, you were bitten when you were a kid? Before you got to Hogwarts? Holy shit." He ran a hand down his face. "Man, the guys I met seemed to think I was the youngest they'd known of being bitten and I was eighteen. Well, nearly nineteen, but whatever." He shook his head. "Fuck."

He knew how hard his life had been since he was bitten but he was an adult and supposed to be able to handle. That he couldn't... well, that was more about him, right? He'd been a fuck up before and even more of one afterwards. He couldn't imagine what it would have been like to be bitten as a kid and have your whole world turned upside down.

He stopped and stared at Remus as he explained more about the effects of being a werewolf. "Black Forest? Yeah, I wasn't far from there," he said weakly then he ran a hand through his hair. "So... the things I thought I was smelling and hearing, being uncomfortable when there were a lot of people around, getting pissed off so easily, feeling like I just wanted everything to fucking stop, all of that, it's real?" He gave a laugh that held no mirth whatsoever. "I thought I was going nuts. I thought it was just in my head. And the werewolves I met said the same sorts of things and they weren't exactly... stable."

He swallowed hard. "One of the werewolves I met was an older guy. He'd been a werewolf for a couple of decades and he was kind of... unhinged. Kept raving on about people talking to him and shit. He was mostly okay at first and we'd pitched in together for a meal and a room at a pub but he kept getting wilder and wilder as the night went on. Eventually he just... came at me, trying to bite me and claw at me. I just punched him in the face and took off." He stared at the ground for a moment then looked back over at Remus. "I always figured that's what I'd end up being like but you're not like that. So maybe..." He trailed off, wondering if he was stupid to hope or not.

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slowburn_alpha
2021-03-19 11:57 pm UTC (link)

Fenrir's reaction was genuine, Remus could tell. It made it a little easier to think of him in the same light as Peter -- not worthy of punishment for future actions. But he also knew he had to tread cautiously, lest he accidentally be the one to convey the bad news. "I'm sure you were. From what I've learned, it's not common for children as young as I was to survive that first attack, and even less so to survive the first few transformations. It happened just before my fifth birthday. I was very, very lucky. Both in surviving and in having the parents I did. The healers thought it would be kinder to let me die. My parents disagreed. So, they hid me away until Dumbledore showed up."

Smiling softly, he nodded. "All of it is real. I've met a number of others like that as well, the not 'exactly stable' ones. Not knowing what's happening, not having anyone to explain it or teach them how to deal with it. I think the only reason I came out as well adjusted as I did was because my mother spent most of my childhood teaching me how to maintain control over myself, how to block out one sense and focus only on another. I did some travelling after the war and learned some spells created by werewolves to muffle or filter sounds and scents, similar to privacy charms but created by others with our level of sensitivity instead of normal wizards."

They were near the stump Hagrid had used as a chipping block for firewood and Remus sat down, looking up at the other werewolf. "He'd gone feral. It's what we call those who haven't learned to control it and have slipped into letting it control them. But, no, you don't have to end up like that. Once you know what's happening, how to control it, it shouldn't drive you mad. In fact, I would say that most of us don't end like that. It's why I wanted to talk with you, meet you. If there's anything I can do to help you, I want to. Eventually, you might even find you can use these skills in your position with law enforcement. I learned to combine my senses with tracking skills during the war."

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wolfish
2021-04-03 09:49 pm UTC (link)

Fenrir shuddered. "Yeah, the first transformation sucked." He looked a wistful at the mention of Remus' parents though. "I wish my parents had reacted like that. They kicked me out. Refuse to talk to me. They look at me like I'm..." He swallowed hard. "Like I'm a monster."

Fenrir followed Remus over to the stump and just collapsed onto the ground as he let all of that just swirl around in his head. It was a real revelation and it was hard to let it sink in. To really believe that everything he'd been feeling and experiencing was real.

"I think..." He swallowed and shifted so that he was sitting sort of hunched in on himself. He wasn't sure he wanted to admit this but... Remus seemed to understand more than anyone else he'd ever spoken to so maybe he wouldn't think Fenrir was a bad person. "I think I've been... getting close to that." He flicked a glance up at Remus. "Going feral. It's been getting harder and harder to hold onto my temper, to not think about doing terrible things to my par... to people. I've even thought about... not locking myself up on the full moon. I mean, I've been caught out a couple of times with nowhere to go but I never hurt anyone. Killed some sheep and chickens but never hurt anyone. But sometimes I find myself thinking about what it would be like to just... let the wolf go."

Now he looked up at Remus, his expression pleading. "This stuff you learned from your mother, the spells you mentioned, can you teach me? Because I don't want that to happen. I don't want to be the monster my parents think I am."

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slowburn_alpha
2021-04-04 12:43 am UTC (link)

It was impossible not to feel a sense of shared sympathy with Fenrir, despite the history the other werewolf knew nothing about. The face of Severus Snape the morning after Sirius sent him to the Shack flitted through Remus' mind. "I'm sorry they reacted that way. Fear was ingrained into our society, especially when it came to those with our condition. It makes people do awful things to protect themselves."

He let Fenrir talk, make his admission, without interrupting. In part, it was courtesy. But, in part it was also to give himself a chance to school his features. It didn't seem like Fenrir was too far away from becoming the werewolf who had turned Remus and, if there was anything Remus could do to prevent that happening, he would do it. When Fenrir looked up, Remus nodded. "Of course, I will. It's different, as an adult, trying to control those urges, than as a child. But, the techniques help. And the spells will help you sort out the sensory input. I wish I'd known them at school," he added with a laugh. "Teenagers with hormones in overdrive, potions ingredients, magical creatures, the boys' dorms...if there is such a place as Hell, it's being a werewolf in a school."

Growing serious again, he met Fenrir's gaze steadily. "It never goes away, that urge. I've worked very hard to maintain a calm, non-threatening demeanour. But, I'm always aware of those instincts in the back of my mind, the urges the curse nurtures. Still, it can be controlled. The only way you'll become that monster is if you let yourself. That's the first lesson my mother taught me. Just because it's there, it doesn't mean you have to listen to it. You always have the choice whether to act on the urges or not to. You also don't have to do it alone."

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wolfish
2021-04-04 02:39 am UTC (link)

Fenrir nodded. He knew that. He remembered the classes on werewolves in DADA at school and how they'd made werewolves sound. He wondered how Remus had handled that. It must have been pretty shit to have to sit there are have some teacher tell him all that. "Yeah," he said heavily. "I just thought my parents would be better than that." He snorted. "Especially after Dad called me bloody Fenrir. He loved the stories about that damn wolf, not so much when it turned out to be a fucking prophecy."

He nodded eagerly. He'd always been a mediocre student... unless he was motivated and interested in what they were doing. And he was pretty damn interested and motivated to learn this stuff. He then gave a small laugh at what Remus had said. "Yeah, I'd kind of noticed that now and that's with hardly anyone here. And I remember what our dorm smelled like at times." He smiled wryly. "I think that's why I like the place I'm using as mine. It smells like the forest but... controlled? Not sure how to describe it, just that it's nice."

He swallowed hard. "I've been drinking. A lot. I don't seem to get drunk too easy but it does dull everything down. That and..." He shrugged. "The Muggle world... there are places where you can get into organised fights with not too many rules. That's helped too. Burns off the anger and I get some money out of it. But yeah, I guess I'm not too surprised that its not going to go away."

He scrubbed his face with both hands then stared down at the grass, wondering if he really wanted to ask his next question. He wasn't sure but maybe he ought to know. "What did I do? Do you know?" he blurted out. "I feel like people know who I am and given what I am... it can't be good, can it? Do I want to know? Or am I better off not knowing?"

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slowburn_alpha
2021-04-05 04:59 am UTC (link)

Remus snorted. "Self-fulfilling prophecy, indeed. Fenrir and Remus, all we need is a Romulus and we'd have a full wolf mythology set." Further proof a lot of parents were idiots about names for their children. If there truly was magic in a name, they should be more careful in the names they chose.

He smiled. "I've always felt better surrounded by nature, too. After the attack, we moved to a remote farmhouse. I was out in the countryside a lot, just exploring, learning the sounds and scents. Especially the closer it gets to the Full, the more being outside calms that restlessness. If Sirius hadn't had his heart set on Gryffindor tower, I might have been interested in that same space. So, I get it." But, Sirius had wanted the tower and Remus had wanted to make amends for believing the worst of his friend. So, now Fenrir could have a space that was obviously doing him good. Remus figured things worked out as they were supposed to.

"Your metabolism's increased," he explained. "I'm going to guess you need to eat more than you used to in order to feel full, too, yes? The long you go, the more alcohol you'll need for that dull feeling." Remus had heard of those sort of fights, but had never wanted to risk them, himself. "We'll set up some time to meet and teach you the spells and other techniques. Those will help. But, perhaps we can set up some regular sparring sessions. Sometimes having a controlled by frequent outlet for the aggression can help. And I could use the excuse to stay in shape, anyway."

Remus had dreaded what would happen if Fenrir asked that last question. He knew Harry didn't want him to know and he could understand the reasoning. But, it was also a fine line, considering how often their kind were treated like dangerous animals, instead of people with a condition they couldn't help. "Honestly? I don't know if you want to know or not. Knowing what your future self did can mess with your head. I didn't want to know, then I got curious, and then I decided knowing didn't make anything better. It still wasn't me, it was like reading about someone in Binns' class. But, the castle hasn't brought anyone here who didn't make an impression on the world, I think. So, it's safe to say that some people here, though I don't think all, know who you are and what your future self did. For myself, I would wait until I'd been here longer, get used to new circumstances and situations, before getting curious about my past. But...if there comes a time you really want to know and can't let it go..." Remus took a breath before continuing on. "I'll tell you what I do know. It's better than reading the history books."

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wolfish
2021-04-10 11:06 am UTC (link)

Fenrir had to snort as well at that. "Why couldn't Dad have named me Thor or something? Thunder god is a hell of a lot better than the wolf who gets to essentially bring about Ragnarok." He couldn't honestly say he'd ever been all that interested in the Norse legends he'd been named after but he also hadn't been able to avoid picking up a fair bit about them.

"If you ever want to come down and hang out, let me know," he said. He looked around at the hut. "I thought about this place at first," he said, gesturing to the building. "But I'm pretty sure Savannah would have been disappointed with me if I'd done that and she's too nice to disappoint."

He nodded slowly. "Yeah, I do. And I haven't been able to eat properly since..." He grimaced. "Since I got turned really." He smiled a little ruefully. "The fights were good for learning control too. They were in Muggle areas so I couldn't seem like I was anything more than that."

Remus' answer sobered him and he wrapped his arms around his knees and stared down at the grass. It was evasive enough that he was pretty sure he'd done something pretty damn bad. He swallowed down the lump in his throat and nodded. "Yeah, you might be right there. Maybe I'm better off not knowing. Not like it'll happen here, right?"

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slowburn_alpha
2021-04-11 12:43 am UTC (link)

Remus chuckled. "I could see you as a Thor, actually. Something about it seems to suit you. I'm convinced my mother must have picked out my middle name because 'John' seems so normal and unassuming compared to Remus and Lupin, he added with a brighter laugh.

"I might take you up on that. I love my friends, I do. But, Gryffindor tower still feels like the boys' dormatory with the three of us living there." Glancing back at the hut, he nodded. It would have suited either of them, probably for similar reasons, but he didn't see anyone else understanding. "She is very nice. I'm certain there isn't a mean or cruel bone in her body." He was glad Savannah had apparently made an impression on the other werewolf. It was one thing to find others like them to commiserate with, but Fenrir would need 'normal' friends as well.

Biting back a sigh, Remus shook his head. For a moment, Fenrir reminded him of Sirius in that posture. "No, it won't happen here, if for no other reason than you won't have to face the same sort of treatment from the others. You won't have to figure this out on your own. But, I don't think that man is truly who you are. I think he's who you became after a hard life that made you angry at the world." He reached out to grasp Fenrir's forearm briefly, squeezing gently before he stood up. "It's also nothing you need to focus on right this very moment. Why don't we go raid the kitchens -- the house elves will be happy to make sure you get the right sized proportions and regular snacks once they understand your needs -- and then we can see about sparring and lessons, hm?"

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