InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "DARLING!"

Peter Pettigrew (p__pettigrew) wrote in hogwarts_dawn,
@ 2021-03-12 12:08:00

Entry tags:

character: peter pettigrew, character: remus lupin

Journal to Remus and RP
Hi Moony,

I thought you should have a few days before approaching you. I told James that I wouldn't bother any of you, but I wanted to reach out and say if/when you want to talk, I'm around. I haven't written Sirius yet since I'm sure he needs more time.

Wormtail

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slowburn_alpha
2021-03-12 05:20 pm UTC (link)

Peter, I'm glad you wrote. James doesn't get to hold you to any sort of promise against talking to me. I'm sorry I didn't reach out myself sooner. I meant to and then, if you can believe it, my son arrived. Sorry!

I would like to talk, though. Pick a place and time you feel comfortable and I'll come to you, if you like. I'd invite you up here, but I don't know that you'd be very comfortable with James and Sirius around.

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	p__pettigrew 2021-03-12 05:57 pm UTC (link)
	I saw the name. I wasn't sure how he was related to you, but there aren't that many Lupin around. Want to meet by the willow? I can walk out now. It's not like I have much to do. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	slowburn_alpha 2021-03-12 06:11 pm UTC (link)
	Yes. Apparently, my future self married Sirius' little cousin, Nymphadora. They had a son. Then they both died in the second war. The Willow is a good choice. I can meet you there in a few minutes. Just want to wrap up the box I'm currently cataloguing and let Regulus know I'll be out for a bit. (Reply to this) (Parent)

p__pettigrew
2021-03-12 06:35 pm UTC (link)

Peter took his journal. It was becoming a habit pretty quickly. He could see how they gained popularity, because they made you feel important and connected, even when you weren't. He could just imagine how many people like him would enjoyed it.

He walked out to the Willow. It didn't take long for Remus to arrive as well. "So you got married and have a child." It was probably not the mos important thing, but it seemed so out of character. "Did they find out that you can't pass the curse?" Remus would have never done it otherwise.

He put his hands in his pocket. "This is really strange. I think... you should ask whatever you want to know."

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Re: RP

slowburn_alpha
2021-03-12 07:22 pm UTC (link)

Remus laughed quietly as he shook his head. "Apparently. In 1998, which is just odd to even think about. His name is Teddy and you should meet him. I think Sirius adopted him before I even knew he was here. But, yes, Harry says it's common knowledge the curse can't be inherited like I always feared. Seems he and older me argued about it in the future. He just told me to research it. Wasn't counting on flesh and blood proof arriving days later."

While he spoke, Remus took a good look at Peter. He wanted to see what his friend -- were they still friends? -- wasn't telling him, about how he was getting on now, how he'd survived the portion of the war he'd come from. But, as Peter went on, Remus could only smile sadly.

"It's very strange. I...why don't we sit? Easier than standing for this." Taking his own advice, he settled on the ground, legs crossed under him. "I don't know that there's anything specific I really want to ask. Mostly, I just...want to talk to you. I've missed you, Pete. I spent the last eighteen months mourning you and James, trying to reconcile Sirius betraying James. I didn't even know it was you and not him until we got here a month ago. I know what you told Sirius in the journals and if you want to tell me about that, too, I'll listen. But, things got so...broken...between the four of us at the end of the war. I just want to be Peter and Remus for a little bit. Then, maybe we can work out how we fix what was broken?"

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Re: RP

p__pettigrew
2021-03-12 07:53 pm UTC (link)

"If you think he'd want to meet me," Peter said. "You know it's hard to give James and Sirius space and be close to you." He smiled. "I'm glad you found out. I know you aren't really this Teddy's father, but now if you want, you can have a family and children. You'd be an awesome father."

Other people would have found it strange, but Peter just sat down in front of Remus. "I missed you too, and the war hasn't even ended for me." He put his elbows on his knees and leaned forward. "I missed you so much, you were always gone. I'm not trying to justify anything, but I kept thinking maybe if you were around- I couldn't go to Sirius."

He smiled a little. "I'd like that. Peter and Remus sounds good. Maybe we can work on some of the magic for the greenhouses together. It'd be something fun to do."

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Re: RP

slowburn_alpha
2021-03-12 11:16 pm UTC (link)

"I want you to meet him. Let you both make up your own minds about things," Remus insisted before issuing a quiet snort. "They will learn to live with it. If you give them too much space, they'll just avoid everything forever and nothing will ever be solved." He shrugged one shoulder. "I don't know what I want. I'm twenty-three and until a month ago I thought I'd be a vagabond around Europe for the rest of my life. Now? Brave new world with too many possibilities."

Sighing, he looked up through his bangs. "I'm sorry. I should have been there. I was...Dumbledore sent me to the werewolves. I mean, it makes sense, right? But I had literally nothing to offer them in the face of Greyback's empty promises. So, I thought I could go deeper, maybe at least get information. But, Dumbledore didn't want me to tell you lot. Said it would work better if no one knew. I'm so sorry, Pete. I should have been there for you. For your family. Instead we all stopped trusting each other and everything went to Hell." He frowned thoughtfully. "I know he's always put James first, but I think you could have gone to Sirius. He would have tried...in his very Sirius way," he added with a huff.

Then grinned. "Of course I'll work with you on some magic for the greenhouses. What have you already got in mind?"

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Re: RP

p__pettigrew
2021-03-13 12:03 am UTC (link)

"If you want me to then of course." He hadn't gotten the impression from James that they wanted anything to do with him, but talking to Remus made hm feel better. "I don't want to upset them. I know what I did sucked. I'm well aware of that, but Sirius manages to make me lose it, he's so easy to deal with things."

He took a deep breath. "Sorry, I don't want to put you in the middle. It sounds like we all had terrible lives, doesn't it? We were going to take over the world, instead-" Peter shook his head. "Don't apologise. I know it wasn't your fault. I knew that there was a reason. I never thought that you'd be the one to betray us."

Peter shook his head. "I couldn't. His solution was sending my family away. My mother, my grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins. We'd just change their memories and send them away. Seriously do you think that was doable? When they didn't even know about magic?" He wished that Remus was right. "You know, I told James that maybe he should have left to be safe, but he didn't want to be away. He couldn't go away, but every Muggle relative I have? Sure."

He smiled. "We want to make four or five greenhouses. Different sizes, but all connected with glass walkways. Keep the air, nice and warm."

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Re: RP

slowburn_alpha
2021-03-13 12:30 am UTC (link)

Reaching out, Remus wrapped his hand around Peter's wrist. "Here's the thing, I'm going to be in the middle whether you want to put me there or not. James and Sirius will come around. But, I'm not waiting for their stubborn heads to get out of their arses before I spend time with you. You're my friend, Peter. I haven't had any for a long time and now that I have all three of you back, well, I'm going to be the stubborn one and not let any of you go."

He took a deep breath before going on. "Do I like what you did? No. Did having to live without all of you hurt like hell? Yes. But, I also understand you were in a terrible position and didn't feel like you had a choice. I can sit here, on the grounds of the school, on a peaceful afternoon, and tell you all the things I think you should have done differently. But, it's easy to look back and see where we messed up. Not so much in the moment and those were...terrifying moments. Merlin knows I've had to do things I find reprehensible just to survive the last few years. So, I'm also in no position to be all high and mighty, judging you for the choices you had to make. It sucks. But, this is our second chance. We can make better choices. Better yet, we can build a better world, one that doesn't judge us on the things we can't change but on the things we can." He smiled, gentle and soft. "And the others will come around eventually. James is having a hard time dealing with Lily's loss, not even the fact she died, but that he's here and she isn't. His baby boy is older than he is, now, too. Sirius is dealing with finding out his brother's alive, that everyone thought he killed James, that he didn't but the little family he thought the four of us built fell entirely apart. But, neither of them actually lived through it. It's all in their head. Eventually, they'll work it out and accept that we can all move on. As the only one of us who actually had to bury their best friends, I don't care. I'd rather have you back and try to do things differently than waste our second chance being angry over things that happened in my past and will never happen in your future."

Sitting up, he did as he had with Sirius and pulled his regular journal -- the one with all his research notes -- out of his pocket, enlarging it to normal size so he could start scribbling notes on a fresh page. "I assume different plants in each one? So, you'll probably want to vary the conditions inside depending on the crop?"

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Re: RP

p__pettigrew
2021-03-13 01:10 am UTC (link)

"My brilliant plan was to leave you alone until all of you are ready. I do understand that it might be a really long time, but I'm glad that you still want to be my friends."

Peter let out a bitter laugh. "Remus, I don't like what I did. It drove me crazy every time I had to tell them something, and Bella- I swear she could read my mind. She knew when I was lying or when I was telling her the truth." He played with the grass for a moment before looking up. "I was also angry at Sirius. He was all about saving the day, never really hiding. They knew it was him. If he had been less... him, my grandmother wouldn't have risked her life. I wouldn't have been put in that position.. And I know it makes no sense, because asking Sirius to be anonymous is like asking the sun to circle around the earth, but by the time I stopped being angry, there was nothing I could do." He sighed. "You always end up paying the price, don't you? I'm sorry. I really am."

He nodded. "Cass is a druid. You were more into those things, so I guessed that you'd know what that means. She wants to do one for fruit trees. The others for vegetables and maybe strawberries and a small area for herbs. The crops need to be rotated too. Something about nutrients in the ground. I'm a city boy. I can figure out the buildings, but know nothing about crops."

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Re: RP

slowburn_alpha
2021-03-13 01:53 am UTC (link)

"You mean not-so-brilliant," Remus teased before growing more serious. "Real friends are rare, I've found. You don't throw them away just because they make mistakes. Besides, if I could forgive Sirius sixth year, I can forgive you, now."

He set his journal aside. They could talk spells and greenhouses in a minute. This was more important. "And that is why I can forgive you, Peter. If you were parading around as if you didn't think there was anything wrong, I'd wonder if we really had lost you. But, you aren't. You agonized over a terrible set of choices and you still have your heart." Echoing Peter's sigh, Remus shifted so he could sit next to him, shoulder pressed to shoulder, leaning in slightly. "Knowing Sirius is who he is doesn't mean you have to always be happy about it. We love each other flaws and all, but we can still acknowledge the flaws. We all paid the price. It wasn't just me. Yes, I was alone. But, so were you. And in hiding because everyone thought you dead. James and Lily were dead. Sirius was in Azkaban. We all paid the price and not just for your choices, but also the ones we all made that put us in that position. I should have trusted you all with my mission, Dumbledore be damned. Sirius should have trusted me with knowledge of the Secret Keeper switch. James should have taken Lily and Harry and fled for Timbuktu. We all made choices that contributed to what happened. We all suffered for those choices. I forgive you, Pete."

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Re: RP

p__pettigrew
2021-03-13 02:06 am UTC (link)

Peter stared at Remus. There was so much he could say, so many word, but instead he hugged him tight. "I'm so sorry, Remus. I'll make it up to you. I swear," he whispered against Remus' neck.

He stayed like that a little longer, before pulling back. "Who would have thought that with all our brilliant plans, Snape would have been he one to survive us all and save the day." He shook his head. "I think there's a lesson there." He had felt on top of the world while in school, but the years after had been humbling, even before Bellatrix had come to him.

"I don't want to go back to before," he admitted. "It always felt like it was the two of them and we were almost secondary, or maybe it was just me, but when things got hard, I kept thinking that I wanted you around, that I missed you around. I know you and Sirius are very close- I'm not sure what I'm saying. I guess that you're not secondary for me."

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Re: RP

slowburn_alpha
2021-03-13 03:44 am UTC (link)

Remus hugged him back just as tightly. By some miracle, he'd gotten all of his friends back and he'd be damned if he let them go without a fight. "I don't need you to make it up to me. I just need my friends."

Sitting back he chuckled. "Not any of us, that's certain. And you're probably right. Let's hope we can learn it. Although, from what I've read, Snape only out-lived me by a few minutes, thank you very much," he added with a teasing wink. He wasn't going to say anything about Peter. He didn't know how much Peter had been told. But, someday, he was going to make sure he knew he'd saved Harry in the end.

Smiling softly, he put a hand on Peter's shoulder. "You're not secondary for me, either. Just because Sirius and I are close, it doesn't mean I care about you, or James either, any less. The three of you are the best thing that ever happened to me. Even if I were to...I don't know, marry Pads or something, my life wouldn't be complete without you in it, Peter. I meant it when I said I was mourning you as well as James and Lily. You are one of my best friends. I have three and they all mean the world to me in different ways because they're different people. But, I love them equally." His smile grew into a grin. "Besides, I definitely can't talk spells to make plants grow for food with Sirius. He'd be bored in seconds."

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Re: RP

p__pettigrew
2021-03-13 04:12 am UTC (link)

"You have your friend back." He wouldn't speak for the other or include them in whatever renewed friendship he could have with Remus because he didn't think that they were interested in a friendship but this was one time that Peter hoped to be proven wrong.

"Oh well, that you can claim bragging rights," he said with a grin. "I haven't really looked at what happened. I know what I did. What I would have done is not me, can't be me I don't want to know just how terrible things god." He had no illusion that they had gotten worse."

He knew that Remus believed it and he wished that he could agree. "I know you believe it. In fact, I know you mean it, and maybe that's why I might have talked to you. I don't think it's true for James or Sirius. I didn't think it was ever really true. Am I seeing things wrong, Remus?"

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Re: RP

slowburn_alpha
2021-03-13 04:54 am UTC (link)

"I'm glad." Remus wasn't at all delusional enough to think just saying things would be enough. But, he was determined to make this work. If James and Sirius never came around...well, he wouldn't worry about that. He'd keep hoping they would and they could be the four of them again.

Nodding, he leaned back on his hands. "I only really started looking myself after meeting Savannah. She said something about me being the werewolf who caused the reforms and I had to know, you know? Especially after the fiasco of Dumbledore's assignment. I'm...really glad he came back young. It's easier to separate him from the old wizard I had a shouting match with when he took Harry away."

As was his usual, Remus stopped to think, to make sure his words were completely honest when he spoke them. "No, I don't think you are. I think that James and Sirius made a connection that first day on the train that no one else can ever come close to being included in. I've known it since day one. No matter how close I feel to Sirius, James will always be number one." And Sirius hadn't denied it when Remus said as much to him the other day. "And the same for James. After Lily and Harry, it's always going to be Sirius. I don't think it means they don't care about us. I know they do. I guess I just accepted that this is who they are and if I love them, then I have to accept their love isn't going to be the same as mine. As long as I know that they will always come first to each other, I know not to expect them to see me the same. And I'm okay with that."

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Re: RP

p__pettigrew
2021-03-13 05:04 am UTC (link)

"Leave it to you to outlive us and become famous," Peter said with a grin. "I'm glad it was you, that you got married and had a child. You got to live." It didn't sound that anyone else did even if they were still breathing. "I know what you mean. I always knew that we were disposable to him." He hadn't really wanted to join either. James had said that they hadn't threatened him and that was true, but there was never any question that he would have done it for his friends.

"I thought I could do the same, that I could accept it and it wouldn't matter, but it ended up mattering didn't it? They could mistrust you, because they relied on each other. The barely considered me to possibly betray them, because I'd do what they said. I think the war showed us that it's not really okay, because when my family was in danger, I knew what their answer would be. I knew that they would put each other first and ignore my family. I knew that I had to protect my family, because no one else would have." Peter sighed. "It wasn't okay when lives were at stake. Maybe that's why I'm okay with staying away. I don't know but if we're doing this me and you, then you should know that I will put you first. I'm done following them blindly."

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Re: RP

slowburn_alpha
2021-03-14 12:16 am UTC (link)

"What have I always said? Caution and forethought," Remus teased, bumping shoulders with his friend. He wasn't sure about the living part. From what he knew of his future self's marriage, it had been rushed, surrounded by death, and Remus knew what it had been like to be alone once. Part of him worried the wife had been more...desperation...than love. Not something he would ever say aloud. And he really hoped his future self hadn't seen Teddy that way. "Disposable sounds like a good word. It was always about the ultimate goal...and I don't think he was always forthcoming about that. There was a lot he kept from us that maybe could have helped stop the war and not need a second."

He smiled softly. "You know there's nothing wrong with that, right? That it matters? You don't have to be okay with the way things were and you don't have to accept them because I can. And you shouldn't follow them blindly, Pete. Them or anyone." With a quiet sigh, he nodded. "I appreciate what you're saying. And, if you want to stay away from them, I understand. But, put yourself first, hm? You deserve to find what works for you, the people in your life that are good for you. And, if I can help with that, I will." There wasn't any first for Remus. He'd sacrifice himself before he had to choose between any of his friends.

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Re: RP

p__pettigrew
2021-03-14 01:00 am UTC (link)

"They make for terrible Gryffindors," Peter answered, chuckling. "Maybe we aren't the brightest house, despite the high grades." It wasn't smarts they lacked, but common sense. "There were too many ultimate goals, some grand plan, but no one was looking at the people. I- hated it. I wish I had said something. I know James and Sirius would have said that I was crazy, but maybe you would have known that you weren't alone. In the end, we weren't that brave, were we? None of us."

He took a deep breath. "Remus, if either you or I had been able to put ourselves first, if we had been able to stop them, to speak up instead of following, we wouldn't have been here. Lots of things wouldn't have happened." He looked at Remus. "I'll tell you what, though. I'll try to put myself first if you promise to do the same. We do what's good for us instead of what's good for James and Sirius. What do you think? Think we can manage that?"

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Re: RP

slowburn_alpha
2021-03-14 07:58 pm UTC (link)

"Terrible Gryffindors with longer lifespans," Remus countered. "I think we need to try for that this time around...living to see middle age at the very least." Trying not to sigh again, -- there had already been enough sighing for one conversation -- he just nodded. They all had so many regrets, so many 'if only' wishes. "I don't think it had much to do with bravery, at all. War...war isn't brave. It's dirty and murky and makes all the wrong things seem right. But, it will take bravery to move past it, to do better."

Huffing quietly, he offered Peter a smile. "Touché," he replied lightly, taking a moment to silently acknowledge the other man was probably correct. He'd said that a lot of what happened was because of the choices they'd all made, after all. Only fair to admit to himself that his own choices of inaction were a part of that, too. Still smiling, he nodded slowly. "I can promise to try if you can." He might have to do it for Peter for a bit, until he got his own head around the idea of not always putting everyone else first. But, he could worry about the how later.

"So, now that we've agreed to fight our basic natures and remember ourselves first," he said, throwing a teasing wink at Peter as he reached for his journal again. "Greenhouses, crop cycles, and magical farming?"

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Re: RP

p__pettigrew
2021-03-14 08:11 pm UTC (link)

"There is true, but in the end, it didn't really help all those Slytherins either." He knew that Remus was right, though. "I'd like to have a life, more than worrying about battles and deaths. Maybe even have what James had with Lily and Harry. Have a real life."

Peter smiled back. "That's a good compromise and I know you'll keep your promise." He'd always had faith in Remus, not because he was better than Sirius or James, but because Peter saw Remus as a kindred spirit, someone who'd been glad that Sirius and James had picked them out of everyone else. You didn't betray that, and Peter wouldn't have either if they hadn't gone after his family.

He nodded. "Yes, except we need more information from Cassandra about the actual sowing. The buildings, those will be fun. Come on, let me show you where we wanted to build the greenhouses and we can figure out how to best go about."

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