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Ram Easthallow (bifoliate) wrote in heureuxlake,

Benny was not Joe. The timbre of his voice was wrong, his scent, the slope of his shoulders. But he was close enough to the right height that Ram could tuck himself under Benny's arm, eyes squeezed tightly shut against Benny's collarbone. All his friends had offered physical comfort: Jani stroking Ram's hair in her lap, Giulia and Dagny fussing over him like sisters, Heidi and Frankie M letting themselves be folded into Ram's arms. Given that Frankie C's offerings took the form of knocks to Ram's shoulder, this and Rick came the closest to what Ram needed, even if it could never be the same.

At the question, he nodded, wordless because he didn't know where to begin. With the exception of Donna Russo, he'd lost track of who knew what, tending to assume that Rashmi was keeping on top of making sure the answer was 'everyone' and 'everything'. "He looks like Joe but he's not Joe and it's so -" Ram felt horrible for how much it bothered him. Under any other circumstances, he would have wanted to welcome Frankie, ask him a million questions about his life, impress this other self that lived in Joe's head passing judgement on everything. Especially because he knew Frankie was one of the past lives actually supportive of Joe and Ram together. "It feels wrong." Frankie looked at him through Joe's eyes, but not at all the way Joe looked at him.

Not even to Frankie M had Ram yet admitted aloud that he just wanted Frankie C to go away. He felt guilty for that, too. Frankie had already died once, and now Ram wanted him to give up life again? Joe was always saying that loving Ram was the most selfish thing he'd ever done. Ram was starting to understand that all too well.