What you've described so eloquently, Rainkatt is the hidden damage of the terrible events military people go through and often just can't talk about. I'm so sorry to hear that you've gone through this with your SO and your ex. My father and uncle experienced the same when they came back from WWII and it persisted for years though not so much was known about the psychological effects of those kinds of experiences. A friend's son who was in the first wave into Iraq and his family has been devastated by his PTSD. She, his mother, was against the war and was beside herself to see her son come home destroyed. It's all too sad for words.