hd365_mod (hd365_mod) wrote in hd_365, @ 2006-06-27 12:37:00 |
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Current mood: | resonably happy |
Current music: | I Can't Get Next to You -- Annie Lennox |
Danger prompt
Original poster: fireelemental79
Title: Draco Malfoy in “The Bizarro Dream”
Author: fireelemental79
Pairing: H/D
Length: At six pages, a little longer than I have been making them.
Rating: Hmmm, hard to say. Lots of innuendo. R-ish.
Warning/Author’s Notes: TOTAL SUPERHERO CRACK FIC. Sorry, I couldn’t resist. And yet, somehow appropriate since this week marks this summer’s big block busting return of Superman to the big screen. Anyway... any resemblance of these characters to DC characters is completely intentional. Also, there’s a lot of intentional repetition AND spandex. Be warned. Also, unbeted, unless you count me. But I never count. So sorry.
Disclaimer: I don’t own Harry or Draco. We all know who does. I don’t own superheros either, but if I did I’d be a happy happy girl: I’d never have to deal with spider webs on the ceiling.
On the couch, two men slept. They were mostly unclothed, having changed into pyjama bottoms after eating a sparse dinner of reheated left-overs. They’d flounced down on the couch to watch the telly... but had ended up fondling the remote with much snickering before channel surfing. Harry stopped on a Super-Hero Movie Marathon, which had seemed just as good as anything to him, and Draco wasn’t inclined to disagree, so he just gave him a wide yawn an apathetic shrug.
So there they were, thirty minutes of spandex and super-human powers passed, and bam! They fell asleep, both of them. Legs were wound about legs, hands dangled off the couch, and their heads were harshly angled against throw pillows buttressing the arm rests... The remote had long since plopped to floor from Harry’s boneless hand and the dishes were starting to crust. Still, the two men slept. One of them dreamed...
***
Danger Man woke up in his dangerously large but wondrously soft bed. The others had often told him that his rightful place was the apartment set aside for him at the Ministry of Superheros, yet Danger Man knew that unlike his many colleagues, he still had a secret identity to maintain. Draco Malfoy, his original but more and more alter ego, was still a spoiled prat of a playboy, and was thus expected to maintain a life of debauchery and women. Not that Danger Man cared much for the debauchery (after all, good wine didn’t taste like much of anything when drunk to excess, so why bother putting down the money?), and the women were all properly moronic. There wasn’t a single one of them that had ever cared enough for him that he felt comfortable giving up his deepest, darkest secret.
Which, of course, came in the form of a black and deep-forest green spandex suit with a big, stylized “D” emblazoned on the chest. It was the sort that clung tightly... and to all the pieces of his body. He had a black mask that framed his cold grey eyes, to nice effect. He liked to look at himself wearing it in the mirror while practicing scary and ferociously piercing gazes. Yes... Danger Man loved his Dangersuit and his Dangerlife. Loved it, even though, compared to the other superheros, he lacked an efficient amount of superness. Sure, he didn’t actually have inhuman powers, but he did have a brilliant utility belt filled with countless expensive but oh-so-useful gadgets and toys. So, while some might not consider his Dangergrapple or his Dangersmokegrenades all that impressive, his colleagues gave him his due respect. It was all good.
Besides, he could get laid whenever he wanted. There were always plenty of groupies around who didn’t mind if he never took off the mask. He’d long since put a utility belt space aside just for condoms.
Yet, there was still something missing in Danger Man’s life. He knew it. Hell, many of his Ministry of Superhero colleagues knew it. That’s probably why they were always telling him to hang out more, stay awhile. Take off his belt. Or maybe they just wanted to get their hands on it. He wouldn’t put it past any of them.
Especially Wonder Man.
Wonder Man. Out of the whole group, he really seemed to want to get his hands on Danger Man’s belt. Danger just couldn’t fathom why.
***
After eating a lovely and expansive breakfast prepared by his butler, Alfie, doing his morning workout regiment, showering and dressing in his Danger Man black and deep-forest green spandex and Kevlar edition Ultradangersuit, Danger Man hopped into the Dangermobile and headed off to work.
There were quite a few annoying departmental memos spin-hovering like little UFOs in the Ministry of Superhero’s lift that day. They buzzed evilly around Danger Man’s head as he tried to avoid speaking to his boss’s secretary. She was either always sour or she stared at him with a funny, almost leer. Once or twice he’d caught her staring pointedly at his Danger Man deep-forest green, bullet-proof-cup-lined spandex Ultradangerjockeys with a suspiciously pondering look on her face, as if she was wondering if his jockeys were as filled out as they looked. It made Danger Man terribly uncomfortable in a way he’d never felt before, not unlike the time he got ice cold seltzer water poured down his Dangerjockeys.
Getting off the lift, he was thankful that the red-haired superbitch didn’t follow.
Walking down the row of supercubicles, he found himself about to pass Wonder Man’s when the blaring Red-Siren of Alert went off. Somebody’s arch nemesis was breaking out of Azkaban Asylum for the Criminally Insane. Again.
And there was Wonder Man, popping up like a jack-in-the-cubicle, his brown hair tousled, his green eyes aflame. His golden cape flapped in a non-existent wind and his chest was emblazoned with a stylized “W” in gold set against the bright red of his spandex Wondersuit. The word “Egads!” dropped from his mouth with gripping heroism and machismo.
And then he spotted Danger Man. His face went a bit goofy-delighted around the edges. “Oh, hello, Danger Man! Long time. I wonder whose escaped this week?”
“Well, I guess we’d have to track down The King’s Shadow or Man-Wolf to ask, wouldn’t we?”
“Say, did you shine up your belt last night?”
“Why yes, I did. Thanks for noticing.”
“Oh, you know me. Always interested in that belt. Can’t wait for the day I finally con it off of you.” It wasn’t anything Wonder Man hadn’t said before, and yet his tone was becoming more and more... well, today it sort of made Danger Man’s body prickle with a funny sort of heat around his Dangerjockeys. Damn his superness!
Danger Man tried to keep his smile light-hearted and his tone easy when he replied “As if that’d ever happen.” Inwardly, he sighed. Wonder Man could dodge bullets, fly, pound people into millet and was indestructible. And yet he still coveted Danger Man’s belt. Cheeky hero.
They found The KS standing under the siren, which was promptly turned off, since the noise got bloody old bloody quickly. Looking down at a stack of papers clipped to a board, he took his pen and scanned down the lists of names. “I just received a fax from Azkaban Asylum. It seems that The Foul Weather Fiend has escaped.”
Danger Man gasped. So did Wonder Man. Everyone else patiently waited around to be told that The Foul Weather Fiend was an arch-nemesis to both. As if all the other superheros didn’t already know. It was a combined effort on the part of Danger and Wonder that had tossed him into Azkaban in the first place. Their beat-routes had sort of converged that night, as it were.
“Oh yes, here we go.” The KS looked up. “It seems that this is a job for our Men. Danger, Wonder, you’ll both want to handle this one, right?”
“Yes sir, The KS... sir.” Wonder Man said, trying to dim down his big, toothy grin. Danger Man, whose suit was black, was expected to maintain a chilly sort of distant ferociousness, so he just nodded. But only once.
“Alright then. I’ll let you boys hammer out the details. Dismissed.”
The superheros wandered back to their cubicles, except for Danger and Wonder, who wandered to the lift. “Well,” Wonder said once they stepped instead and Danger Man punched the button for the Ministry’s Stronghold of Parking. “Shall we take your car or mine?”
“You don’t have a car.”
“No, but I thought you might like to put your arms around my neck, wrap your legs around my body, and then we could just fly.”
Danger Man felt his nethers prickling inside his Dangerjockeys again. It was becoming a regular Dangersense or something. He sighed. “I only fly in the Dangerwing.”
“Oh, I know. Gadzooks! It was just a suggestion, Danger. Don’t have to get your jockeys in a twist.”
***
The Foul Weather Fiend was attacking Gringotts First National Bank with his Thermamorod when Danger Man and Wonder Man pulled up in the Dangermobile.
Wonder Man started to open his door and get out, but Danger stopped him.
“Well, shouldn’t we devise a plan?”
“Holey bank vaults, Danger Man! We don’t have time to devise a plan!”
“But— ”
“I’ll come at him from the left with a few POWS! You come at him from the right with a bunch of WHAMS! And when he goes down, we’ll just kick him until he cries. How’s that sound?”
Danger Man sighed. No wonder Wonder Man seemed to want his belt so badly. He was something of a lightwit.
Getting out of the Dangermobile, Wonder Man took to the air and sort of flew/plowed into The Foul Weather Fiend, while Danger Man pulled out his Dangersmokegrenades and his light-duty Dangerbang firecrackers and began to toss them at where The Foul Weather Fiend was, except he wasn’t there anymore. He was hurtling through the air underneath Wonder Man. In fact, when they landed, Wonder Man straddled him. Danger Man caught up to them to find Wonder WHAMming, POWing, WHAPing, and BLAMming The Foul Weather Fiend’s face to his heart’s content.
Of course, Foul Weather still had his Thermamorod, which he was raising and...
SHEEERAK! Wonder Man sailed backwards, a bolt of lightening and a blast of wind zotting from the end of the Thermamorod to hit him square in the chest. Danger watched as Wonder hit the wall of the bank. He seemed a little dazed as he began to slide down it.
Turning, he pelted Foul Weather with every little grenade in his possession. The heinous fiend began to dance around to keep the crackers from directly singeing his bright yellow, rubber galoshes. It was hard work, what with the fact that he was coughing on Danger’s Dangersmoke. Danger whipped out his Dangergrapple, twirled it three times, lashed it around Foul Weather’s legs, and with a yank, brought him down.
Rushing over to him, Danger man trussed up his hands while he was still dazed.
“You’ll never get away with this, Danger Man!” Foul Weather screamed when he finally caught a breath. “I’m privy to your kinky little games! You’ll never bugger me, NEVER!”
Raising an eyebrow, Danger he gave him a good swift kick to the face, which broke his nose. Danger smiled as Foul Weather cursed once around a sudden dribble of blood and then put his lashed hands up to stop the flow.
“Obnoxious prejudiced prick,” Danger whispered as he walked away.
He put a little alacrity into his step when he realized that Wonder Man wasn’t up yet. Some super powers. Leaning down over him, Danger turned him from his side onto his back and found him staring up into the sky, dazed.
“Danger?”
“Wonder.”
“That was some powerful rod. My world is rocking.”
“Lie still. I’ll fetch a medic.”
“No,” Wonder Man grabbed his arm. Then he whined a bit. “You were supposed to rock my world with your rod. This isn’t fair.”
“What now?”
Wonder Man turned his head, reached up, and began to slip his fingers under Danger’s mask. Danger Man didn’t pull away. His Dangersense was exploding in his Dangerjockeys... he realized it felt damn good. He found himself leaning forward as Wonder Man’s bare hand slipped over his cheek.
And then the world shifted and they were standing next to a red and gold satin bed, with a giant “W” inscribed on the coverlet and lovely golden candles casting molten light across the brassy walls... Wonder Man’s Fortress of Sleep.
“I’ve been dying to get this belt off you for months...” Wonder Man whispered, pulling at the Danger’s buckle.
“Oh... OH! That’s what you... Well, gadzooks man! Let’s not be slow about it then.” Danger Man pushed the red spandex clad superhero down onto the bed. Straddling him, he felt something LARGE and eager brush against the inside of his thigh. “Is that your Wonderstick, or are you just happy to see me?” Danger started.
But then there was the blasted music. A triumphant surge of uplifting, heroic horns and...
***
Danger Ma... Draco opened his eyes.
“Wah?” he started.
“It’s over, love,” Harry whispered back, his hand scrambling for the remote.
“Wha?”
“The movie. It’s over.”
“Oh. I thought you meant my dream...”
“Your dream.”
“Yeah.” Draco grunted unhappily and closed his eyes. “And it was just getting good. There was the Wonderstick and you were about to pull off my Dangerjockeys.” Draco closed his eyes, and half memory of what was hiding in Harry’s spandex came back to him. “Shite!” he moaned.
Harry sat up and looked down at Draco. “The what and the whats?” But his voice sounded more amused than confused.
Draco felt his face color. “Uh... I had a silly dream.”
“Hmm. Really? Did it involve the words Danger Man, Wonder Man, and Thermamorod?”
“Whu...” Draco’s jaw dropped.
“You know, we should best be getting to bed and shagging each other’s brains out. The day’s nearly done and I haven’t yet sexed you up.”
“Buh...”
“Come on. You can call me Wonder Man, if you want to... Danger Man.” Harry smiled. Draco didn’t move. “You were talking in your sleep love. But I’m definitely intrigued.”
“I need a belt.”
“Oh, Draco, I don’t know if I’m in the mood for...”
“No! You kept on saying in the dream that you wanted to get my belt off me. You never did! I need a belt. And ... and some tighter underpants. And you need a gold cape!”
“Well, we do have that bright yellow towel.”
“Get it, Wonder Man. And then Danger Man is going to rock your world.”
So Harry did. Once they were naked — excepting of course for the towel, a belt, and a strip of black cloth with some holes slit in it, tied around Draco’s face — he did. Rocked Wonder Man’s world, that is.
“Gadzooks!” Draco grunted.
“Merlin’s ghost, you need to dream you’re a super hero more often,” was all Harry said in response.