Tavin’s memories of the past were all too clear at times. He could remember the way his siblings used to look to him for protection. He remembered the fights and that need to get out of the house. The screams, the crash of objects, the sniffles from the younger kids. He remembered…and at times he thought Jerzy had it easier by barely remembering at all. But no matter how young he had been or how unfair all that weight placed upon him was, Tavin felt guilt for what happened. He felt at fault. Nothing could truly detour him from that, no matter how logic spoke against the emotions. He knew how asinine it was to think someone that young should be able to protect people. He knew that if it were any other kid or any other person he’d tell them it wasn’t their fucking fault. But it was different for him. It just…was.
Fucked as that was. He couldn’t get over the feeling. He couldn’t forgive himself even if they held no guilt against him.
And how deep that guilt burrowed into him when he spoke those words. They were harsh, a strike against the senses and yet he knew he had to say them. He had to protect the one he was able to do something for. That didn’t make him feel any less sick about the words. And it didn’t hide that look upon his features that was so rarely seen. By anyone. It wasn’t a choice he wanted to make and if he felt there was somewhere safe to send Jerzy he’d do so in order to help her. But the fact of the matter was, that there wasn’t. And trying to help her, getting his nose into that, would be dragging Jerzy into it too. So he only nodded, that was the most he could manage right now. Talk about feeling like an asshole.
Tavin had to sigh when she questioned him. It wasn’t him that was in question, if he was tied to the fucks of her past…well he wouldn’t have to be so damned secretive now would he? Since she already knew that assholes like that were around. “I’ve already told you more then most ever get to know. But want something personal as proof? Fine. Ask, so long as it doesn’t tie to the kid.” If it was really his job she wanted to know, she could ask again. But his job was hardly some important piece to the puzzle. Nothing but background, a means to get money and survive. The testing…that past…the only other that knew about it was Jerzy. Not even Jade was privy to why he was so fucking paranoid. She thought it the job, it was an easy out. A good cover for all the ways he was.
Protection to the home wasn’t enough. Protection to her office wasn’t enough. It was protection to her that counted. No one could stay one place forever and the second she stepped outside of that door she was just another vulnerable human that was an easy target. Wards and charms to ones own person were risky, of course they were, and you had to hope that the fuck creating the trinkets wasn’t a real dick. But in Tavin’s opinion it looked like the risk was worth it. Better a backfiring charm that you can take off then some fucking old ass vamp thinking your head is there personal damned playground.
“Can’t do anything about weaknesses if you don’t face the fact that they are there.” Tavin knew that look, that want to fucking argue the plain and simple truth. She was an easy target. Like it. Hate it. It didn’t fucking matter. That was the truth. It wasn’t one he liked. It was one he wanted fucking changed. But until she was willing to do what was needed he couldn’t do crap for her. Guards, no matter how damned annoying. Wards, no matter the ill affects. “I’ll be fine, I know who to go to by now. And who to not.” Some charged for an ask. Others gave up the info and only charged if you took them up on it.