Original poster: malfoypotter) Title Meh 9 Author Jess Rating PG Disclaimer I have the british part down right, and the first inital, but I dont own the boys :( Notes Can be read as a stand alone like all the others, although its probably better if you read at least number 8beforehand....dedicated to my Ruth (as usual) because she knows where Ilive and makes me do bad thinks like compose musicals to BattlestarGalactica Summary Ding Dong Wedding Bells are Ringing There were three things which Draco Malfoy noticed upon apparating backto his house one fine June morning. The first being that apparentlyapparation whilst being extremely hungover was not particularly welladvised and the resulting vomit clashed dreadfully with his carpet. Thesecond that, after a quick glance in the mirror adorning the entranceway, someone (and he suspected that someone’s name to begin with B, andend with Zabini) had drawn a bright red cock and moustache on his facein felt tip. The third and final thing was noticed upon his mad rush tothe bathroom to wash off the offending graffiti.
It was thus:
ThatLady Narcissa Malfoy, Nee Black, somehow managed to look every once ofthe regal aristocrat she was whilst vomiting head first down the toilet.
The bitch.
Thenafter spending his first waking hour on his wedding day franticallyscrubbing his face free of juvenile doodles and coxing his own bloodymother away from the toilet she was frantically clinging too, Draco wascurrently to be found glaring under his large four poster bed.
“Blaise,” he growled, “I know you are under there, I can fucking see you, you bloody coward! Now get out so I can kill you!”
To which Blaise’s only reply was:
“Eeep!”
All in all, not a very good way to start the day.
************
Ittook an hour and a half before Draco was able to pry Blaise from hishiding place and a further twenty minutes for him to undo all the hexeshe had thrown at him. After all it wouldn’t do for his best man to begreen and yellow with five tentacles and a distinctly fishy smell tohim, would it? Just think of the photos!
After this littleadventure it dawned on Draco and everyone else in the house that he hadexactly twenty-five minutes to get ready for his own wedding.
Fuck.
DracoMalfoy was notorious for the fact that he could take half a day to getdressed, carefully selecting each piece of clothing one by one,changing his mind about the socks, and then having to change histrousers because the new socks clashed, and well, if he was going tochange the trousers he’d have to change his shirt, and well, wherethose actually the socks he wanted? Luckily for him, the outfit he wasto wear today booked no argument from him, and there would be nochanging it, even if his socks did clash.
It took him less thanten minutes getting ready, the majority of the time being spent on hishair. Should he have it loose or tied back? If he had it tied back itsort of made him look like his father, which wasn’t really a good idea,but then if it was loose it would get in the way. His rabid tying anduntying of his hair was stopped by Narcissa who threatened to hex offhis hands if he didn’t leave it alone. His hair ended up half tied,half down.
With a last look at himself in the mirror, he readied himself for apparating to the church.
***********
Outsidethe little church on the hill the day was breathtaking. The sun was outin its full splendour, birds where happily tweeting in the sky and theflowers where in full bloom, their colours bright and beautiful. Insidethe church was full to the brim with happy chatter filling the rafters,excited expectation running riot.
However, the idyllic scenewas slightly marred by the scruffy brunette heaving in the bushes justto the right of the church with his red headed best friend (who inreality was looking rather green himself, which clashed horribly withhis hair) looking decidedly worried and giving out useless pointerslike:
“Just breathe through your noise,” and “I’d be throwing up too if I were marrying Malfoy, heh heh!”
Luckilyfor Harry Potter, the brunette in question, his other best friend, oneHermione Granger, was in her element and was busy organizing everyonein the church.
Whilst Harry was busy dry heaving a ratherworried looking Seamus pulled Ron to the side. Too busy concentratingon wishing he was dead, the fact that his mouth tasted entirely ofvomit and wondering if anyone in the congregation had a polo mint,Harry missed the conversation and was momentarily startled when he wasman-handled by both Ron and Seamus into the church.
He managed abrief glimpse of Draco arriving as he was pushed into the men’slavatory and wondered if that could be construed as being unlucky?After all they where at the church now.
*************
Yeah, it was definitely unlucky.
“Er, Harry, don’t shout but-”
Harryglared at Ron. Surely to any sentence beginning with “don’t shout” hewas going to want to shout, the stupid prat. This was not going to begood he could tell, and on top of this the plant pot which was locatednext to his best friend was looking prime for vomiting in.
“What is it Ron?” He asked wearily, “Why am I locked in the men’s loos on my wedding day?”
Ron just shuffled his feet and looked vaguely constipated.
“Well, it’s the priest.” He began.
“What about the priest?”
“He’s er, missing.”
Thiswas bad. Very, very bad. He had got out of bed this morning, coveredsomehow in whipped cream, which had gone all hard and crusty around hisnipples making it extremely painful to get off, to come to his ownwedding which was without a priest and Harry was pretty sure he neededa priest. The world hated him, and what was worse, Draco was going tokill him. As if it was his fault?
“Ron, why is the priestmissing? I distinctly remember telling the priest to be here, becauseyou know, he’s kinda important!” Harry started to ramble.
“Well, it seems that the priest is, er, very forgetful, and has gone golfing. But we have a solution.”
Asolution! Harry looked at Ron, who’s face didn’t reflect the joy offinding a solution, in fact it looked like it didn’t want to be here,that it wanted to be far, far, away, perhaps with the golfing priest onthe fourteenth hole.
“Ron, who is this ‘we’?”
“Er, Seamus and Blaise - DON’T HIT ME!” He cowered.
“Oh good God!”
“Harry!”Came the reproachful hiss from Hermione who had just slipped throughthe door, “We are in a house of God! No blaspheming!”
Harry justglared, he was doing a lot of that lately, and besides he was prettysure that Hermione being in the men’s toilets in a church was up therein the big book of bad things to do in a church according to God.
“What is the plan then?” He asked, gritting his teeth together.
“Well,” Seamus beamed, “it just so happens that my beloved is an ordained minister.”
Harrywondered briefly just when it was that Seamus had dumped Blaise andtaken up with a man of the cloth, however this flight of fancy wasdispelled quickly as Seamus continued:
“Yeah,” Seamus bounced,“we were on the internet the other day, ordering some of that new lubefrom Taiwan, you know that stuff we gave to you and Draco that turnsyour prick -”
“Seamus get on with it!”
“Oh, yeah. Anyway,we came across this site where you could be ordained as a minister ofyour own religion and well, Blaise got really excited and applied! Heis now the High Reverend Blaise Zabini of the First Church ofArseology.”
“Oh good God!” He groaned.
“Blasphemy!” Hermione snapped, crossing herself.
Harry eyed her warily and wondered if she would start throwing holy water at him at any point soon.
“Don’t you see Harry? Blaise can marry you two.” Seamus continued, ignoring Hermione’s rabid genuflexions.
Hiswhole day was turning to shit. He was about to get married into theFirst Church of Arseology and he was extremely sure that they hadn’ttold Draco yet. Perhaps they were telling him first, just to test outhis reaction. He hoped to god that when they did tell Draco they’d goin with their wands drawn.
“I suggest you stun him first,” He muttered.
“Don’tworry mate, we’ve let Narcissa tell him.” Ron said, catching on to thenon sequitur, “and Kingsley, Tonks and Mad Eye have gone with her.Three Aurors and one Death Eater’s missus, it should be ok.”
Just as Harry was about to suggest adding the National Guard to the contingent, a loud yell reverberated around the church.
“I guess he’s been told then.” He sighed.
**********
Ittook the addition of Dumbledore, Professors Snape and McGonagall andfinally Harry himself to coax Draco away from his hiding place in thewomen’s toilets to agree to continue the wedding.
Draco wascurrently standing at the front of the church next to Harry, quietlygrowling at the new bane of his existence. His growling stopped whenHarry slid his hand into his, but his glare intensified.
BlaiseZabini the First Minister of the First Church of Arseology stood infront of them grinning his head off and whistling what Draco could justmake out to be do you think I’m sexy.
“Blaise, are you sure you know how to do this?” Draco whispered.
“Don’t worry Draco; I saw it in a film once. Chill!” Blaise winked and cleared his throat.
Asmuch as Draco loved his films (he loved them so much he persuaded Harryto buy the film channel for his telly box) he doubted that he andBlaise shared the same taste. He was a Citizen Kane man, whilst Blaisewas more of a Citizen Ass Cane type of person.
“Ahem! Dearly beloved we are gathered here today to witness the union between these two people in holy matrimony.”
So far so good, Draco grimly thought.
“Ashes to ashes, funk to funky. We know Major Tom’s a junky.”
Death. Death to Blaise.
“Now do you, Harry James Potter take Draco Lucius Malfoy to be your lawful wedded wife?”
“I do.” Harry grinned, whilst Draco glared evilly.
“And you, Draco Lucius Malfoy, do you take Harry etc etc, to be your husband?”
“I do.” He ground out.
“Bloodymarvellous! Now the fun part, if there are any persons who know of anyreasons these two can not be joined in wedded bliss and all that jazz,speak now or forever hold your peace.”
Silence reigned in the church.
“Anyone? Anyone at all?” Blaise sang cheerfully “No one? Cant someone make something up?”
“Zabini! Get on with it.” Ron piped up.
“Phff!In films there is always something, such a pity, would make it a bitmore interesting eh? Fine, fine! I do pronounce you man and man! Youmay kiss, er, each other. No tongues though, we’re in a house of God!”
“Finally!” Draco moaned and all but pounced on an amused Harry.
He faintly heard a sniff and broke the kiss to see Granger dabbing her eyes.
“I always cry at weddings.” She wailed.
**********
“Move out of the way!” Dumbledore cried, “Conga coming through!”
Dracorolled his eyes and startled when a pair of arms snaked their wayaround his waist, their reception was certainly an eye opener – whoknew that Pansy Parkinson knew the actions to The Birdy Song?
“Remind me Potter who actually let the Weasley Twins be the DJ?”
“That’sPotter-Malfoy to you now, Mr Malfoy-Potter.” Came a murmur just nearhis ear lobe, one which was currently happily being chomped on. Dracoresisted the urge to snort at the names, because honestly, just becausehe loved Harry with all his heart and soul, and just because he waswilling to die for him, til death do us part and all that, did notmean, under any circumstances was he going to have the name Pottertagged along next to his own. However, Harry did not need to know thisjust yet, as his nibbling would most certainly desist, and Draco quiteliked the nibbling. He liked it so much he was just about to suggestleaving a little earlier than planned when -
“Oh look at my baby all grown up!”
Hismother clutching her half empty champagne flute made her way towardshim sobbing. Which was weird, as to his memory his mother never cried,in fact he was 99.9% positive that she had had her tear ducts removedlast year as part of some fancy costly cosmetic treatment: Tears wrinkle darling! No tears, no wrinkles! Isn’t it just fab?
Unfortunately for him, her teary entrance had also stopped the nibbling as well and Harry was busy comforting her. Stay away Harry! He wanted to shout, Come back and nibble, run away from the evil teary witch!For all he knew her tears could burn sweet Gryffindors and honestlythat would not do! How could he be a widower before the honeymoon sex?
Fortunately,or unfortunately depending on how you viewed it, the tears did not seemto burn or melt Harry as she delicately pushed him away with mutteredthank you’s and reassurances and then launched herself straight atDraco.
Which was just not on!
“Harry!” He squeaked and gestured frantically at his once regal mother who currently had him in a death grip. “Help!”
“Mybaby is leaving me!” Wailed Narcissa, “He was such a good little boy,dutifully kicking house-elves and running about in my shoes anddresses.”
The woman was mad! Completely mental! People wherebeginning to gather around and hear her demented ravings. As if Dracowould wear her tat? And to top it all off, Harry was doing a veryunsuccessful attempt at trying to hide the fact he was laughing,
The little shit.
“There, there mother,” he stiffly patted her on the back, “there, there.”
Whatthe bloody hell was he to do? He searched frantically around the throngof people surrounding him, ignoring Harry, the traitor who wascurrently turning an unattractive shade of red with all the laughter,looking for help. Where was Zabini? Wait! Salvation!
Thanking all the deities he could think of Draco pounced into action before his mark could flee.
“Look Mummy,” he winced, “its Severus, go to Uncle Severus.”
Narcissapromptly detached and then re-attached herself to a startled Snape, whoglared at Draco and led his newfound charge to the nearest seat.
“You do know that he will poison you somehow for that.” Harry grinned at him, his laughing fit over.
“Not before I poison you, you git!” He glowered, “now get back here and continue nibbling!”
The nibbling commenced almost immediately.
************
Theevening was almost over. There where a few people on the dance floorstill, all lined up, happily following the lead of Professor McGonagallwith the actions to the Time Warp. Most of the guests where clusteredaround several tables chatting to each other, whilst a very few wherebusy under the tables doing god knows what, but blissfully keeping itquiet except for a few giggles and moans. Harry sat at the main tablewatching everyone and noting how happy and carefree they all looked.Draco was sleeping, his head on Harry’s shoulder, snoring quietly. Itwas almost time for their portkey to whisk them away to theirhoneymoon, so Harry regretfully shook him awake and was rewarded with a“mmfh Potter….piss off, m‘sleep.”
“C’mon sleepy, its time for the last dance and then off we go for two weeks of uninterrupted sun and sex.”
Itwas amazing just how quickly Draco jumped up and dragged Harry to thedance floor. Harry hoped that he was right in deluding himself that itwasn’t the word “sex” which prompted the amazingly fast response, but -Ah, who the fuck was he kidding? He chuckled as Draco snarled to theWeasley twins behind the music station to bloody get on with the finaldance!
“Well here we are ladies and gentlemen.”
“- and Professor Snape.”
Harry’sface turned a slight shade of green when Snape’s head appeared fromunder a table cloth at the mention of his name. He did so not want toknow who was under there with him. Unfortunately his wish was notgranted, and the extremely tussled head of his mother-in-law popped outnext to him.
“Oh god! Scrub my eyes out Potter!” Draco groaned and buried his head into Harry’s shoulder.
The two heads popped back under the table as the twins carried on.
“This is the last song of the night before the,”
“lovely couple are whisked off for two weeks of debauchery”
“so get yourselves on to the dance floor,”
“and dance along to the sounds of…”
Their introduction was drowned out by the bass. The dance floor filled up quickly.
Dracoshifted his head slightly so it rested on Harry’s shoulder and wrappedhis arms around his waist. They happily swayed side to side, ignoringthe rhythm of the actual music, but making their own up.
“Potter?”
“Mmm?”
“What on earth have we done to deserve the sodding Spice Girls?”