Ambivalent Lucidity Rewrite: Ch. 13 Original poster: sakaim Title: Ambivalent Lucidity Rating: Currently R Pairings: Harry/Draco Summary:When Draco Malfoy's mental health mysteriously declines, he is placedunder the care of the only person he responds to: Harry Potter. Warnings:(Future) Violence, rape, character death, mental illnesses(Dissociative Identity Disorder, Post-Traumatic Stress, ParanoidSchizophrenia), slash, Pre-HBP As Hogwarts sank deeper into autumn, Harry found himself desperate tobegin learning the names of Draco’s personalities, but contrary toIan’s claim, he had not received one. It seemed that Draco’spersonality switches were intensifying, and often he did not even showany outside change when they changed. Harry recalled vividly oneafternoon when he had been brave enough while snogging to slide hisfingertips into the hem of Draco’s trousers, and the moment they tookthe plunge into Draco’s boxers, Harry found himself staring into theeyes of the child, who, disturbingly enough, moaned and bit his bottomlip. It had been the first time Harry had really touched Draco likethat and, he had mused furiously in the cold shower afterward, likelythe last time it would happen until Draco was cured.
Draco wasbecoming more and more upset over time concerning his situation, andthe morning they were to take a private trip down to Hogsmeade onDumbledore’s permission, Draco had spent the entire morning in bed, anutterly dead expression darkening his eyes. “Why aren’t I fixed yet?”he asked in whisper when Harry knelt on the floor beside him, and hemet his boyfriend’s gaze. “Why, damn it?” He looked completely strickenin that moment, and he scrunched his face up to stop the onslaught oftears when Harry hung his head. Draco’s shaking hand reached out andseized Harry’s robes, and he pulled him closer so he could bring hisfingers up and run them over the infamous scar etched in Harry’s skin.“I–we thought you could fix...everythin’.”
Harry paused–Draco’sfinal word was not spoken by Draco at all–and he looked up once moreinto the eyes of the little boy. “Ah, hi...” Harry said gruffly, notwanting to be visibly upset in front of this child, and he reached upto take his hand. “Guess where I’m taking you today?” He tried to becheerful, as always, with the child, since he had never had a cheerfuladult in his life. They grey eyes of the child lit up, and Harry was noprepared for the moment when the blonde launched himself out of bed andtackled him to the plush carpet.
“Hogsmeeeeade!” yelled thepseudo-Draco excitedly, and he jumped up off of Harry to bounce on theballs of his feet in utter joy. “Let’s go, let’s go now!”
Harrylaughed, unable to keep from cheering up genuinely at the boy’sexcitement, and he retrieved a nice set of robes for Draco. He was usedto helping the child get dressed now, and he did not even blink athaving to strip him nearly starkers to put on the robes, and he evenbrushed his hair for him. “Perfect,” he said, and he offered his handto his boyfriend’s possessed body.
For once, he would haveliked to have a normal relationship. He wished it were the real Draco’shand he was taking so he could pull him close and tell him thatHogsmeade could fuck off, push him back on the bed and take those robesback off again and touch him, really touch him, without beinginterrupted by sexually abused children. “Can I talk to Draco?” heasked quietly, curious if he could actually live out that fantasy, butthe child shook his head.
“No! Draco wants to talk to you, but I want to play in Hogsmeade and he can’t come out until then!”
Harrytook an angry breath and tightened his grip on Draco’s hand lightlybefore he dragged him out of their rooms and led him through thecorridors of the castle towards the Entrance Hall. He knew the childwas aware of his anger, but the blonde did not seem to care as heskipped at Harry’s side, singing to himself a made-up melody. Harrywatched him for a moment, then, “What’s your name?”
The blondefroze and looked at Harry, eyes wide, and he looked distinctlyuncomfortable for a few moments before he shook his head. “I can’tsay,” he said, his voice almost sounding like Draco’s for that splitsecond, and he pulled his hand from Harry’s. “That’s...not how itworks.”
“Well, why not?” Harry demanded, growing angrier, andthe child’s eyes suddenly brimmed with tears, and he ran ahead ofHarry. “Come back here, damn it!” Harry was so frustrated, and hechased after the blonde, taking him by the shoulders from behind andjust moving to turn him around when he whirled around suddenly and gaveHarry a blank, confused look. Harry recognised this look, this look ofemptiness, of quiet surrender, and the Gryffindor wanted to scream.Instead, he heaved a heavy, furious sigh and strode on ahead of theparanoid schizophrenic quiet/panicky Draco. The Entrance Hall doorsopened to dismiss the both of them, and Harry strode hard towards thecarriage not realising that Draco stopped short three metres away fromthem.
When he opened the carriage and turned around, he saw thesilent Draco frozen in terror with all the colour drained from hisface, and he quickly rushed to him. “Hey, come on. What’s wron–oh.” Hefollowed Draco’s petrified stare to the thestral drawing the carriage,and he slid his arm around Draco’s waist. “It’s a thestral,” he saidquietly, and he brought Draco close to the winged skeletal horse,feeling the boy cringing and wincing against him. “It’s allright...He’s harmless. They’re invisible to anyone who...anyone whohasn’t seen death. He’s not going to hurt you.”
“Thestral,”whispered the blonde, and Harry gave a start at hearing thispersonality speak in something other than a horrified shriek. Harryreached down with his free hand and seized one of Draco’s shaking ones,and he lifted it to press those delicate-seeming fingertips against thestiff hair of the thestral’s mane. The horse exhaled and pawed at theground but did not acknowledge them otherwise, and the trembling Dracoturned to look at Harry with a gleam of a new emotion in hiseyes–amazement. “Harry...Harry!” he exclaimed in a breath, and hegrabbed Harry’s hand to force it into the horse’s mane, and Harrygrinned full-on. He could not help it; this was the only sign ofprogress in ages.
When Draco was finished touching the thestral,Harry led him into the carriage, finding himself disappointed thatthis, the first personality he had ever met, had fallen silent again.The carriage started up, and Harry relaxed back in the seat, closinghis eyes.
He felt Draco move beside him, but he was not preparedfor the moment when the silent persona climbed onto his lap, facinghim, and he opened his eyes to look up at him, shock written all overhis face. “What’re you...” He trailed off as the other leaned in andtouched his cheek to Harry’s, and he cleared his throat a little beforehis arms came up to encircle Draco’s body. “Hello,” he breathed intothe other’s ear, and he closed his eyes again as Draco breathed againsthis skin.
“H-hi...” The voice was lightly hoarse, deeper thanDraco’s normally was, and Harry knew he would be talking and gettingresponses for the first time from this personality. Wanting toencourage this Draco, Harry gave him the gentlest squeeze and kissedhim just below his ear, feeling him shiver. “That...That feels good.”He sounded reluctant to admit such a thing, and Harry did it once morebefore he brought a warm hand up to cup the back of the pale boy’sneck. “Can...you see thestrals, too?”
Harry nodded lightly andmoved his face to look this person in the eyes, holding him securely onhis lap as the carriage bounced and rocked on the cobblestone path toHogsmeade. “I can...I saw Cedric die fourth year. I...It was you,wasn’t it? Who appeared when your mother...”
The blonde noddedsuddenly, not wanting Harry to go on. “Yes, but I...was not reallyseparate until...until bad things started happening to Draco. I...” Itlooked as though it were difficult for him to speak, and Harry urgedhim on with another kiss to the soft spot under his ear. “I can copewhen he can’t...When no one else can...”
Harry’s eyes widened,and he brought the other’s forehead to his. The carriage stopped, buthe did not move, instead looking the other in the eyes. “You’re tiredof coping, aren’t you?” Harry breathed, and he pressed his palm toDraco’s chest, over his heart, as the other nodded, tears in his eyes.“You don’t hear voices...You hear everyone else...You hear the onethat– ”
“Yes, yes,” the blonde rasped, the tears spilling over,and he gave a harsh sob as Harry kissed his lower lip. “I hear him, Ihear everyone, I...I’m so tired...I– ”
Harry kissed him full onthe lips this time and felt him melt against his chest, his handsshaking as they clutched Harry’s shoulders, and Harry let him break thekiss to bury his face against his shoulder. “You don’t have to copeanymore,” Harry claimed in the softest tone, and he petted his back.“You can go back to being the same...You can, you know.” Harry wasbegging for a name, pleading with everything he was, so when the blondepulled back and looked desperately into his eyes with the softestwhisper of, “Abraxas,” and the body in Harry’s arms slumped suddenlyand heavily, Harry thought he would cry.
“Abraxas, Abraxas,”Harry hissed, and he rocked with the blonde, feeling his body twitchingoddly. “Let go, let go, Abraxas...” Draco’s hands rose suddenly to findHarry’s forearms, and when silver eyes met green ones, Harry knew hewas looking into the real Draco’s eyes again. “Draco, you– ”
“Ican hear everyone,” Draco choked, and he grabbed Harry’s shouldersforcefully, his eyes unreadable as he got close to his boyfriend. “Ican hear...everything. Harry, I...” It seemed he could contain himselfno longer, as he pressed himself against Harry and crushed their lipstogether in a searing, wet kiss, hands tearing at Harry’s robes, andHarry’s eyes widened as he found his bare chest pressed to Draco’s assuddenly as if he’d cast a spell to make it happen. He could feelDraco’s heart pounding against his chest, and together they stared intoeach other’s eyes for what seemed like ages.
“It’ll...be okay,”Harry finally said incredulously, as though he had never actuallybelieved it. He honestly had not, he realised, felt as though progresswould ever be made, and it was apparent that the thought had nevercrossed Draco’s mind, either. In that moment, it was all so real, allso possible, and Harry knew.
It was worth it.
Theyspent the whole day together window-shopping, musing over Christmas andwhat they would get each other (horse spit and cat litter were the twoclaims), and after replenishing their stock of sweets, they returned toHogwarts with huge grins on their faces. Harry was determined that thisday could only get better, and so when they strode into the Great Hallfor dinner, Harry sat down immediately in front of Ron and slapped aChocolate Frog on the table. “I miss you,” he claimed matter-of-factly,and he leaned forward with a huge grin on his face. “A whole fuckinglot. So please...Forgive me for being such an arse, okay?”
Ronstared at him as though he had grown a new head, and he could donothing but nod, and before he knew it, his Chocolate Frog was eaten,he had a new card for his collection, and he had his best friend back.